AW has upped the stakes
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 129
AW has upped the stakes
I'm at a loss of what to do next. My "RAW" is 2 weeks out of rehab and actively drinking. She has not attended a single IOP session, nor any AA meetings. I am so disheartened becasue she seemed to do so well during her rehab and spoke very positively about her follow-up aftercare. I am not sure what triggered the relapse- I have confronted her about missing her obligations, which only makes her withdraw more and then she'll make comments to me that my bugging her only makes it worse and makes her more likely to drink. i attend al-anon so i know i am not the cause, and can't control her. Over the weekend, she did the unthinkable and chucked a handful of muscle relaxers, benzos and pain pills, while under the influence. She had locked herself in the bathroom and I broke in and got her to the hospital. Now she acts as though nothing happended, and wants to come home. this is exactly what she did after rehab- came home as though everything's fine. This is an ongoing struggle in which she minimizes everything she's done. The kids, myself and the family are tired of this emotional rollercoaster but don;t know what to do. She has resisted all recommendations of counseling- i want her to leave the house, or I want to leave, but then I fear what rejection will do to her at this point. we've been married 23 years. Thanks for any words of wisdom and the support of this forum!
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Join Date: May 2013
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but then I fear what rejection will do to her at this point
It must have been terrifying to find her in the bathroom like that. She could have died, and she's acting like nothing happened. If she doesn't care about such a near-death experience, then what does she care about?
Don't be afraid to remove yourself and your family from this situation. I'm not sure about the process that you would have to go through to remove her from the home. Or, you could remove yourself and your children.
Either way, it won't be easy... but it'll be worth it.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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She had locked herself in the bathroom and I broke in and got her to the hospital. Now she acts as though nothing happended, and wants to come home. this is exactly what she did after rehab- came home as though everything's fine. This is an ongoing struggle in which she minimizes everything she's done. The kids, myself and the family are tired of this emotional rollercoaster but don;t know what to do. She has resisted all recommendations of counseling- i want her to leave the house, or I want to leave, but then I fear what rejection will do to her at this point. we've been married 23 years. Thanks for any words of wisdom and the support of this forum!
My advice, having been there, is to draw a line in the sand. Either she is in recovery, or she loses her family. You and the kids must not be held hostage to her crappy behavior and out of control habits. There is no middle ground. Considering she does not want to do counseling, it sounds like she's still strapped firmly into the roller coaster. You and the kids, though, you can get off at this stop.
Change the locks. Contact and lawyer and find out what your options are. Consider going no/minimal contact with her.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
I'm sorry to hear this story, Woodman. I have not experienced that, yet. Nor do I want to.
All I can do is make a joke at my own expense and hope that it lifts your spirits. I'm trying to lift mine as well. The weekend sucked for me.
Anyway, my AW was recovering for 2 years. During that time and if I was posting here, I happily referred to her as my RAW.
Just like any facebook status change, she's back to AW.
All I can do is make a joke at my own expense and hope that it lifts your spirits. I'm trying to lift mine as well. The weekend sucked for me.
Anyway, my AW was recovering for 2 years. During that time and if I was posting here, I happily referred to her as my RAW.
Just like any facebook status change, she's back to AW.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Wow, I'm really sorry you had to go through that. However, you say she "wants to come home", so is she still in the hospital undergoing a psych evaluation? I thought suicide attempts required a hold and an eval. What do the Dr/Nurses say at this point?
If she is still there, this may be your only source of power is to have the health care professionals give her an ultimatum (like long term rehab or something along those lines) A medical social worker can help you identify options.
If she is still there, this may be your only source of power is to have the health care professionals give her an ultimatum (like long term rehab or something along those lines) A medical social worker can help you identify options.
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Join Date: May 2012
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If she comes home you have to watch her closely. Sneaky, suicide can be. Lost someone who flat out told me what he was going to do, after a previous failed attempt. Told me rather calmly.Not trying to scare you further. Just the facts.
I'd forget her failed commitments for now and talk to her about your love for her and that you'd like her to hang around. Ask how you can help.
At this point it is about saving a life.
I'd forget her failed commitments for now and talk to her about your love for her and that you'd like her to hang around. Ask how you can help.
At this point it is about saving a life.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
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I lost my sister to suicide but I am still going to agree with everything Florence said.
I don't feel like it is your job to save her even if you could. Imagine the damage it would do to your kids if they had to find her after a suicide attempt or even worse, a success. I know that sounds harsh but it is the unfortunate and tragic reality of the situation.I think you need to make a choice here about saving yourself or going down with a sinking ship.
My sister tried to kill herself in my mom's bathtub while my 2 year old child was there. Luckily my grandmother was there at the time and was able to stay with my child in another room behind closed doors while the paramedics came for my sister. After that, we made a family decision that my sister needed to live alone in her apartment and we took shifts watching her.
She ended up killing herself on the third attempt while she was alone. This was after she had been doing a lot better and both my parents thought she was no longer a suicide threat. (The first two attempts were while she was living with my dad and mom respectively.) I honestly do not believe we could have stopped her, and with her in her own place, at least my parents and children were spared the gruesome experience of finding her. She left a note on her door saying not to enter. My step mom knew what had happened and was able to deal with the situation so we wouldn't have to.
I can totally appreciate that some people think the priority should be to save your wife's life right now, no matter what the cost to you. I can't say they are wrong. I just think the kids should come before her.
Take what you want and leave the rest..
I don't feel like it is your job to save her even if you could. Imagine the damage it would do to your kids if they had to find her after a suicide attempt or even worse, a success. I know that sounds harsh but it is the unfortunate and tragic reality of the situation.I think you need to make a choice here about saving yourself or going down with a sinking ship.
My sister tried to kill herself in my mom's bathtub while my 2 year old child was there. Luckily my grandmother was there at the time and was able to stay with my child in another room behind closed doors while the paramedics came for my sister. After that, we made a family decision that my sister needed to live alone in her apartment and we took shifts watching her.
She ended up killing herself on the third attempt while she was alone. This was after she had been doing a lot better and both my parents thought she was no longer a suicide threat. (The first two attempts were while she was living with my dad and mom respectively.) I honestly do not believe we could have stopped her, and with her in her own place, at least my parents and children were spared the gruesome experience of finding her. She left a note on her door saying not to enter. My step mom knew what had happened and was able to deal with the situation so we wouldn't have to.
I can totally appreciate that some people think the priority should be to save your wife's life right now, no matter what the cost to you. I can't say they are wrong. I just think the kids should come before her.
Take what you want and leave the rest..
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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Yeah, I should add that having lost several someones to suicide -- friends and family members alike -- I believe there isn't much you can do to stop them. Like with addiction, you can't cure, control it, and you sure as hell didn't cause it. You have to put the fear of losing her aside and do what's best for the children. She will either get it together or she won't. If she's serious about suicide and refusing counseling, you can expect this to happen again no matter what you do.
I will also say that in the case of my AH, a suicide attempt was the thing that caused me to back off and stop asking questions and making demands on him. I was drowning in responsibility, begging him for relief, and he responded by trying to hang himself in the garage. This terrified me so much that I stopped asking for help, and started flitting around him and his depression and handling even more on my own.
By the time I put together that the suicide attempts and depression were ALL ABOUT the alcoholism, I was shouldering everything, he was barely employed, and he was addicted to the point he would seize on Sunday if he ran out of alcohol on Saturday night (my state does not sell alcohol on Sundays).
But again, the primary issues were not depression and suicide, it was all about the alcoholism. The rest sprung from there.
I would not approach this from an exceptionalist angle. I would approach her as an alcoholic using every card in her deck to maintain her addiction unfettered by you and your pesky needs.
I will also say that in the case of my AH, a suicide attempt was the thing that caused me to back off and stop asking questions and making demands on him. I was drowning in responsibility, begging him for relief, and he responded by trying to hang himself in the garage. This terrified me so much that I stopped asking for help, and started flitting around him and his depression and handling even more on my own.
By the time I put together that the suicide attempts and depression were ALL ABOUT the alcoholism, I was shouldering everything, he was barely employed, and he was addicted to the point he would seize on Sunday if he ran out of alcohol on Saturday night (my state does not sell alcohol on Sundays).
But again, the primary issues were not depression and suicide, it was all about the alcoholism. The rest sprung from there.
I would not approach this from an exceptionalist angle. I would approach her as an alcoholic using every card in her deck to maintain her addiction unfettered by you and your pesky needs.
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Yeah, I agree with Florence. If someone truly wants to end it all, they will find a way to do it. If it is merely manipulating, then it shouldn't be rewarded. A direct threat should be responded to by qualified mental health experts.
You and your children should not be held hostage by her threats. If you want to leave, or want her to leave, you can follow through with a clear conscience. You aren't the cause of her problems, and you owe it to your kids to give them a drama-free existence.
You and your children should not be held hostage by her threats. If you want to leave, or want her to leave, you can follow through with a clear conscience. You aren't the cause of her problems, and you owe it to your kids to give them a drama-free existence.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 129
Thanks everyone for the words of comfort and encouragement. Fortunately, the kids are older- one leaving for college and the other in high school.
Right now, my AW is in the hospital and will have a psychiatric evaluation. I am not sure what follows after that, but agree with many of the sentiments epxressed here that the ultimatum will be for her to work an active recovery program or the relationship is over.
I guess this is part of the denial complex, but it's uncanny how she acts like nothing has happened despite all the carnage left in her alcololic/overdose wake. She talks to us about day to day things and in no way acknowledges the pain and sadness she has caused. Dreadful disease this is.
Right now, my AW is in the hospital and will have a psychiatric evaluation. I am not sure what follows after that, but agree with many of the sentiments epxressed here that the ultimatum will be for her to work an active recovery program or the relationship is over.
I guess this is part of the denial complex, but it's uncanny how she acts like nothing has happened despite all the carnage left in her alcololic/overdose wake. She talks to us about day to day things and in no way acknowledges the pain and sadness she has caused. Dreadful disease this is.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Well I see my opinion of trying to help her isn't popular. But since I have lost someone to suicide that was drinking heavily at the end, severely depressed, and did follow through, I know one thing for sure-react in a way you can live with for the rest of your life should she follow through.
The last time he told me he was going to kill himself, I didn't take him seriously enough. It was hard to work through it to forgive myself.
If her threats had no seriousness to them, she wouldn't be in the hospital right now.
I believe we have an altruistic obligation in a humanitarian compassionate way to try to help. Saying we can do nothing is shrugging it off. If someone threatens suicide repeatedly, I think seeking involuntary commitment is an option.
Hopefully her evaluation expert will force it if she is still a risk to herself.
The last time he told me he was going to kill himself, I didn't take him seriously enough. It was hard to work through it to forgive myself.
If her threats had no seriousness to them, she wouldn't be in the hospital right now.
I believe we have an altruistic obligation in a humanitarian compassionate way to try to help. Saying we can do nothing is shrugging it off. If someone threatens suicide repeatedly, I think seeking involuntary commitment is an option.
Hopefully her evaluation expert will force it if she is still a risk to herself.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
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Hi BlueSkies,
Please know I fully understand and respect your position. I also freely admit you might be right. I know in my family there are those of us who think we did enough to save my sister, and others who don't.
I am very sorry for your loss.
Please know I fully understand and respect your position. I also freely admit you might be right. I know in my family there are those of us who think we did enough to save my sister, and others who don't.
I am very sorry for your loss.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 129
BlueSkies1, please know that I am not dismissive of your suggestions (and also very sorry for your loss)- quite the opposite. I do (and have) professed my love for her and wanted to do everything/anything to help her. Of course, this was even before the suicide attempt. And certainly, I maintain that feeling now and will again tell her how we all want her in our lives- but she needs to take a step forward herself. Our whole family has enabled her because she is so vocal about how "she's fine" and wanting to be independent and do everything on her own.
I do want her home, just not right now. I cannot be there to watch her closely, and I do not want the kids 'handling' her at this moment. So much more damage would have been done to them if they found her the way I found her the other day. She needs to be in a supervised, safe environment. the only way I know to motivate her to take these steps at this point is to not let her waltz back into the home to continue her set ways. something must change.
I do want her home, just not right now. I cannot be there to watch her closely, and I do not want the kids 'handling' her at this moment. So much more damage would have been done to them if they found her the way I found her the other day. She needs to be in a supervised, safe environment. the only way I know to motivate her to take these steps at this point is to not let her waltz back into the home to continue her set ways. something must change.
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Join Date: May 2012
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It sounds like you are making good decisions, woodman. I wasn't dismissing your boundaries either, just to let you know! The conversation turned somewhat into a general convo about suicide attempts.
Hope you keep us updated and stay strong!
Hope you keep us updated and stay strong!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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If you say it, stand by it woodman. That's easier said than done.
I'm praying for you and your situation. I hope that when she realizes that there is no coming home without getting herself well, that she will step up and take the responsibility of herself, her health and her life back and be the woman I know you want her to be. She has to do it though. We can't force our loved ones. All we can do when faced with this time after time is say, I'm done with this madness.
I'm praying for you and your situation. I hope that when she realizes that there is no coming home without getting herself well, that she will step up and take the responsibility of herself, her health and her life back and be the woman I know you want her to be. She has to do it though. We can't force our loved ones. All we can do when faced with this time after time is say, I'm done with this madness.
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