spiderqueen

Hello - I have finally joined SR after months of reading posts, and marveling at the incredibly wise, terrifying & moving, and sometimes hilarious things everyone else shares.

Here is my sad story: After my long-term marriage ended, I contacted an old boyfriend (the "love of my life"), and we fell madly back in love. Little did I know he had become an alcoholic in the intervening 20 years, whose pattern was to binge dangerously for days, in isolation, drinking whiskey by the quart, to the point of black out, etc. He naturally hid this from me for as long as he could, and when I finally wised up, made dozens of attempts to achieve lasting sobriety, to no avail - the pattern continues unchecked: He will be clean for 2-4 weeks max, followed by an uncontrolled binge.

I attended AlAnon for a while, and am in therapy for myself. We have been together now for 3 years, with periods of separation, and even tried "no contact" once, to try to save our relationship. I always take him back when he begs me to "give us another chance."

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that the only thing left now is to end it, for my sake, and perhaps even for his sake. We don't live together, so it's simply a matter of saying, "I AM DONE.", and meaning it. My heart is broken for us both. I need help to strengthen my resolve and move on. I hope to hear from you all soon.

Florence

Welcome! This sounds familiar to me. My AH was a "love of my life" from high school who seemed to have his ducks in a row. The alcoholism was well hidden and when he finally tried to sober up, it was a roller coaster.

Seren

Hello spiderqueen, Welcome to SR! I'm glad you finally decided to share your story. It is one that is very familiar to us.

I have learned over the years that alcoholism is so powerful...it is stronger than our love.

Please make yourself at home here, you will find this a very supportive place

bigbasscat

Change the gender and I'm in exactly the same situation.

I wish I had any sort of wise words for you, but all I really can tell you is that you have a right to your own life, and the ABF has absolutely no claim on you or your life.

How hard or easy that will be for you to reclaim your life is an unknown, but you need to have the courage to do those things required to take your life back from the ABF.

trixie56

I'm new to SR as well, and I've found so much inspiration and help here. Before I recently got back together with my XBF and discovered he was an alcoholic, I'd never been exposed to alcoholism. In the relatively short time we were back together, I saw how heartbreaking it can be to be with someone who has this addiction. I wasn't with him nearly as long as you were with your guy, but I also had faith that this time around he was really "changed." I'm sorry to hear your story...I hope that here on SR you'll be able to find some peace.

Rosiepetal

Welcome to SR spiderqueen.
There is loads of support here for you.

bobbysocks

Hello and Welcome! Im new here too. This is a very supportive group. No one can tell you what to do, or how you should/should not feel. only you can do that. But i too love my husband. But I can not save him. I've tried. Now I have to save ME. I had to say NO MORE! And mean it. Whatever comes of this marriage is his choice. Its the alcohol or me. Plain and simple. If he chooses the alcohol- then I'll know for certain I am MUCH better off alone! Good luck and God bless.

wiscsober

to SR

Boon44

Welcome to SR...moved out 3 months ago after relationship ended with my EXABF of 7 years. I tried all the DO's & DONT's before really knowing the 3 C's...I didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. I'm sorry you are facing this situation and I know the pain of the choices you are weighing...it is a difficult thing to face. My heart goes out to you and those with a lot more experience and knowledge will be along to help soon...this is a great place to talk things out and to get support.

spiderqueen

Thank you all for the warm welcome, and the deep understanding. It's been 48 hours since I've heard from ABF - I ended the last conversation (phone) when it was obvious he was loaded, and haven't heard from him (or tried to contact him) since. He could be dead for all I know. When in the midst of his godawful binges in the past, he has suffered bad falls, nearly burned his house down leaving the stove on, etc. It's still a big step for me to not frantically try to reach him, or drive the 20 miles to check on him... Sad to say, that's major progress on my part. :codiepolice

Boon44

I know the NC is difficult and sone days easier than others..stay strong. Caring for each other doesn't appear to be a mutual priority so you take care if you

Springs

Welcome. My RAH was someone I also knew and loved earlier in life and got back together with not knowing about the problem that had developed in the intervening years. He outwardly seemed so together as well. Nice to know I'm not alone in that. Much support as you set boundaries and stay strong.

wolfpackfan45

Welcome. I know what nc feels like and how it is to worry over someone. My 22 year old son would drink to blackout too. He had constant black eyes, cuts, bruises and burns on his body. I used to worry he'd fall down the steps at his apartment or burn the place down. He's 8 months sober now, but I still worry at times about relapse and all that can happen. The best advice I can give to you is to go to AlAnon and start working the steps. Once I really turned it over to my Higher Power I found some actual peace. It takes work, but it's so worth it. We just can't control it. What's weird is that they don't even worry. We do. Hang in there.

spiderqueen

It's 3 days now, not a peep from ABF. I broke down and sent a quick email to his mom, asking if he's alive. They talk every day. Yeah, I know I know. Get thee to a meeting!!