WildImpala

I lived with my abusive alcoholic mother from age 9-19, but since then I've lived away at university and for the last year I've lived abroad in Mexico. I've lived in perhaps 6 or 7 different houses/apartments always shared with other people.

I find that I can never feel truly comfortable at home, and always on edge (anticipating the next fight or argument). I always naturally start to find things I hate about my flatmates or try to placate them endlessly, and quite a few house-shares with previous friends have ended badly. The best case scenario is that I become overly-polite with my flatmates and we don't really talk and the friendship just withers.

But I'm really social and rarely have problems with people I don't live with. I usually end up staying/going around another friend's house most days of the week - a place where I don't live, and therefore feels 'safe' and I can relax.

The other problem is the constant peer pressure to drink now I've quit (from people I live with). I tried to quit in uni, but was berated endlessly (I went to university in England) into drinking again. No one seemed to understand I 'loosened up' maybe 50% of the time, and got really angry and aggressive or depressed the other 50%.

Then after pressuring me into it, everyone would act offended when it happened! Despite me telling them it would happen.

Other people tell me everyone argues with their flatmates, and a lot of it wasn't my fault (they have their own problems) but I think it feels different for me.

I also have a terrible trait of listening in to every conversation in a paranoid manner to see if it is about me. I know I get this from my teenage years, where I'd have to listen in to my mother to avoid her, or to intervene if she was harassing my younger brother or sister.

I often feel physically scared, getting really twitchy if people touch me or just spend a lot of time trying to avoid other people (listening out for the door to the bathroom to close, so I know I can walk to work without having the stress of interacting with them).


Which is ridiculous because I'm 6 foot 3 and often my flatmates are half my height or weight, and often their friends I've known for a few years before, so I should have no reason to feel that way.

I dunno, I just joined and read through some of the stickies on this page and they really hit home. I feel like I'm trying to guess what the 'correct' behavior is and really stress myself out in the process.

Any thoughts? Has anyone had anything similar?

Kialua

Sound familiar? Yes. Look at this link if you haven't already and see if it applies
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-children.html
Have you looked into any resources yet for Adult children of alcoholics? I'm glad you are not with your parents any longer. Now is the time to get to know yourself and what works for you and what doesn't work for you. Read through the stickies above and take what works for you. You are the captain of your ship, don't let others tell you what you should be doing. These are all things you have to realize before you can start to "fix" them. You can't read enough, there are many books suggested in the stickies above as well. You are young, it will get better, but it never goes away. We learn to deal with it. Keep posting

WildImpala

Thanks Kialua

I only glanced at the stickies but they seemed spot on, I'll try and give them a long read through now. Really wanted to get that off my chest, I already feel a little calmer.

Kialua

It really does help to keep posting. Sometimes venting to people who know how you feel can make a difference. And reading too.

Yes dig in to the stickies, then write how you feel about them, if one hits a note with you and resonantes. You can post or you can make your own blog here. The blog can be open to comments or closed to comments and just somewhere to sort your thoughts. That's how mine is, I was really surprised at how much it helped.

Mracoa

I've noticed I have the bad habit of not saying when something is bothering me. I hold it in, and think it's just me. Unfortunately this has the undesirable effect of reinforcing the behavior that bugs me. The person notices that I'm not disturbed by it, therefore it must be okay, or even worse, the person begins to escalate the behavior figuring that because I don't react negatively.

Eventually their behavior gets to be more than I can ignore and I snap. It's not fair to them. If I had sent out signals early that I wouldn't tolerate it, they would have stopped earlier and it wouldn't have escalated to blow up levels.

MMkM

If you have roommates something they do is going to bother you. Letting them know this at the get go would be good. Have you read any of the books of communicating with people, verbal judo, assertiveness or any books about dealing with people - this is something I am working on. And it is even harder if you are their roommate.

I will also just add to that being in a university it is not about partying like a lot students do. You are there to study and make good grades, not learn about what is the best mixed drink. Sure have some social time. But with the expense of universities now you get more out of them if you stay away from the party people.

I would easily be very firm about that.

Those that waste their years just doing the party going are not going to have the needed effort to make the best use of their time there.

Maybe find the people who are studying in the library. I would always find a study buddy. Even if we discussed class topics on phone or made sure we had notes right it still was a little bit social, productive and got us grades.

Liberator4EVA

I went to University twenty years ago, as an AcoA, but lived in shared houses till very recently (5 odd years) so this thread is of some interest.

The drawback to letting people know when one of their habits bothers you, i often wonder if it's a valid concern or if it's some other inner conflict finding an outlet. Then there's the question as to whether the other person's going to be reasonable or not. If not, i suppose it's best to find out early.

My first year at uni, there were 3 houses of 5 students each next door to one another. Over time, like minded people distilled out of the group. There were only 3 guys, including myself, one was on his last year, the other i had very little in common with. I basically got on best with two of the girls who showed heavy codie traits (one was actually an ACoA) and later ended up sharing places with them and their friends.

Those house shares worked , a bit too well really, in that i ended up developing romantic feelings for one then the other but had to keep stuffing them away because i wasn't their type ! There were a couple of other house shares over the years that didn't involve these two ladies that weren't happy ones. However, both persons concerned had substance abuse problems (as everyone in my social circle was either a codie or an abuser) so nothing particularly remarkable about that fact.

For an example of a house sharing conflict, this is from my last house share :

The issue - Urination with seat up, door open.

The other guy was basically a HFA, but would be needing to drain the lizard every 15 minutes or so in the evening. What goes in must come out yes? Also, my bedroom was right next to the bathroom. So I got a detailed account of each call of nature in audio form.

Now here's an unsual thing. I was raised to go number 1 sitting down. Maybe because we lived on the continent at the time. Of course, on company time i'll use the urinal provided and stand up. If i'm at another house and only the sit-down facility is available, then it all depends on the condition of the equipment in question. If it's nice an clean i'll sit down and try keep it that way. If it's filthy, then i'm standing up and going from as far back as possible, preferably with my back against the door. I just don't like my own toilet stinking of pi$$, and if i did stand up over my own loo it's me that's going to have to deal with cleaning it and it's not my favourite job. Far better to take my time and leave hands free for other important bodily maintenance tasks like picking the nose or scratching the family jewels.

Also, i'm somewhat unused to dealing with the sound of water falling from a height because of mostly having female housemates. So anyway, my AHo (Alcoholic Housemate)'s frequent, loud and inacurate urination a few feet from my bedroom with the bathroom door used to drive me crazy. The bathroom always used to stink of stale p$$$, and since it bothered me far more than him i was always cleaning it (for him to mess up a few hours later). To be fair, he more than pulled his weight cleaning other areas of the house, but that was something under his radar. I took to staying in my room playing very loud music over my headphones so i couldnt hear it, which is asocial. In the end i think my asociality offended him.

But i could never mention it. Why? Well, the thing i really wanted him to do was keep the door closed and sit down like i did and keep the damn place clean. But asking men to sit down for a p$$$ is a bit wierd in this country (though i understand it's more the norm in Germany) plus if you're having to go every 15 minutes, it's going to seriously cut into your evening. So, i could have just asked him to close the door.

Even then, it's a very personal thing to criticise about, things relating to bathroom activities, and i just felt it was harder to say than , for example, to request that someone closes the lid on the bread bin so it doesn't go stale.

There was also an incident shortly after we moved in together where i did mention one of his tics. It seemed it all passed off lightly and in good humour, but later that night when he got drunk he went bezerk over it, yelling and slamming doors. I am bigger than him so didn't feel physically threatened but it's not really something you want in your own home after a stressful day at the call centre. So, in future i was inclined to keep opinions about irritating habits to myself.

I ended up staying there another 4 years because I didn't want to bring up the fact that i wasn't happy. I was saved in the end by the landlord asking us to move out as he wanted to do something with the house. Perhaps if i had moved out earlier our friendship might have survived in some form though.