myjourney4me

I just got out of treatment and that very afternoon I picked up some booze and drank. I haven't been able to forgive myself and feel terribly embarresed and alone. The treatment I went to was quite a ways from my house and I don't have any AA close by. I think I felt I had no one and my insurance would not cover aftercare. I have been trying to get back on the horse so to speak but my AV is giving me a lot of trouble in feeling good about myself for what I have done. I just can't forgive myself and have told no one. One side of me is saying just keep going with my sobriety and another feeling like a liar and a fraud. I would have 90 days Tuesday and it just breaks me heart. My sponsor is in another state right now and will be there for a few months. I have a lot of trouble with social anxiety but put myself out there and got a phone number and called and she never called me back so I feel ackward around her. The friends I had in recovery before have already went back out...I'm just trying to keep my head up but it's very hard. I just need some recovery friends to feel better about my new life but finding it so difficult. I have PTSD also and my antidepressants don't feel like they are working. But I have to find another doctor because I can't go to the one I was going to since I'm not going to aftercare because insurance won't pay and the cost of it. I find it easy not to go to meeting because they are so far and I felt so self conscious anyway. I really don't have much to say to them anyway because I have no life....any help and input would be greatly appreciated and thanks for letting me share(much easier online to do instead of in the rooms) I have had a long history of drinking and quitting..I'm 59 and still trying to get this...
Myjourney

ersatzmatriarch

hey journey...

you can choose to stay down, or you can choose to go to any lengths to get back up and recover. it's your choice, and yours alone... but i for one hope you choose recovery.

please don't give up... it's never too late to wake up each morning and choose life...

MeSoSober

Please at least give yourself credit for those NINETY SOBER DAYS.

Ninety days during which you did not hurt or humiliate yourself or anyone else because you were drunk. Ninety days during which you did not get stopped for driving drunk or thrown in jail for some alcohol-related incident. Ninety days of not actively harming your physical health by drinking. Ninety days of not digger your hole any deeper. Ninety days during which you proved to yourself and those around you that YOU CAN DO THIS.

You say you have a long history of drinking and quitting. Can you tell us if you took anything away, lesson-wise, from this latest fall? Something you (or someone else here, myself included!) might use to avoid it in the future?

You've done the right thing by coming here!! So many others have drank again and not come back to SR to talk about it, so please give yourself credit for that much, too!

myjourney4me

What I took from the last fall was just how bad I feel now. Angry at myself, angry I gave into it, angry I didn't talk to someone first. I know I needed to talk to my counselor before I was discharged but I didn't have an appointment until after I was released from treatment. I knew I wasn't ready and I knew I had no support where I live in AA meetings over here where I live which is only one. I plan to meet someone Monday that is still in treatment that reached out to me before I left. I used to go to the women's meeting their before treatment and they were very good....I guess I will just have to travel quite a ways...at least I liked these and felt pretty comfortable.

deeker

I would travel a liitle ways, its so worth it and you will feel a lot of hope once you start going to AA. SR is good too! Check out 12 step forums here too. Also check out the 24 Hour club we commit to staying clean for 24 hours at a time . Or join class Of July. You'll get those days back one day at a time.

Carlotta

If you do not have local AA meetings, In The Rooms has video meetings twice daily and you don't have to go on cam, you can just watch In The Rooms
Also Opivotal facilitates a wonderful meeting twice a week in the SR chat room on Tuesday and Friday. I wish I could attend more often. It is not exactly AA format but it is a great place to listen and share.

least

I'm sorry you relapsed but glad you're back trying again.

myjourney4me

Thanks so much everyone...it means so much to me to share with others in recovery.
Carlotta...I will check that out but I know I have to go to in person also. If fact I'm going to leave in a few minutes to go to the closest to me....don't care for it to much(not much long term sobriety) but I'm going anyway
myjourney

tabasco

I think sometimes you do have to a field trial to see if everything you learned is true. You did a field trial, and you got your answer. If you now can go forward safe in the knowledge that you shouldnt and can not drink, it was worth cementing tha treatment programme.
You must stop right now, and go through what will be a very mild hangover compared to others you have had. Then the treatment will have worked, you have checked for a final time that you can not drink and Yippeeeeee. A sober life. Look back on this in 30 days and be happy you know the answer for such a small price.
If you carry on drinking, well.....you know the answer, it says on one side of the bottle makes you feel good, and on the other side of the bottle it says, this will kill you , but before it does it will make feel worse than ever have in life. Would a sane man drink it?

myjourney4me

Thank you Tabasco....yes I did get my answer....I know I can't drink. It still puzzles me that it happened right after treatment...I guess I let fear take over. Fear of not having the support of the others in the group.
myjourney

Nuudawn

I'm glad this post got bumped back up. I saw it earlier..meant to read it ..and then got distracted and it disappeared. You know sometimes being alone can be pretty scary. It's like my mind can be a bad neighborhood that I shouldn't venture into alone. When overwhelmed with loneliness..it's like there are addiction gang members on every corner...jeering and catcalling "I got something that will fix ya up good!!"...or the addiction streetwalker across the street telling me she's "loved me long time" ; )

Glad you're back.

myjourney4me

Thanks Nuudawn.....that must have been my fear....it least I see it for what it is. I went to a meeting and plan on going tomorrow with a girl I was in treatment with
myjourney

Nuudawn

Keep us posted okay?

myjourney4me

Today I went and met one of my recovery friends while in treatment. It was nice being around someone that is in the program. I couldn't bring it to her that I had already relapsed....I feel so bad about it. Went to a meeting also which was good. Feeling better today but still battle the lonliness of my recovery friends I used to have that went back out and don't plan on changing. I keep reaching out to other recovery people but I either don't get a call back or now it wouldn't let me make the call on my phone...said something about my phone carrier wouldn't also this call to go through....I don't know what to think. It's so hard to keep sticking my neck out their so to speak and not getting anywhere...but I will keep trying. Wondering if their is something wrong with me. Do you think that since I used to go to the meeting with this other girl that hasn't had any sobriety even though keeps going to AA that I'm like her. I really do want this but feeling a little lonely and frustrated. Meeting new people isn't the easiest thing for me to do anyway...Oh well today is better that it has been the last few days. Thanks for letting me share
myjourney