RunningRaces

Hey everyone, last time I posted I had been doing great. I was going to AA meetings and doing all the right things. Leading up to this past sober time, I had hit what I thought my rock bottom to be. But, Friday night came around and a friend invited me to go grab a beer and I said yes. It was as if all my sober time never happened, and the rational part of my brain was turned off. Leading up to this, I had invites, like on the 4th of July that I rationalized and said, "no I don't need to be around alcohol". But this time, it just happened.

I started out at 530 and by 930 I was so drunk that it was clear I needed to get home. My friend was great and got me in a cab. On the way home, I had the cab stop early so I could walk the last couple blocks home. Someone walking towards me punched me, and took my wallet and keys (including my car key). My glasses got broken and I got a black eye. I walked another block, then passed out in someone's back yard and woke up at 5AM. Fortunately, I was lucky enough that nothing else bad happened to me being that I passed out a block from where I was mugged.

I spent all of yesterday trying to make sense out of what happened and I absolutely cannot believe what happened. I did get myself to an AA meeting but my brain has been in such a fog since that night that it wasn't until today that I felt like coming here.

The thing is, I absolutely know, I simply cannot drink. Ever. And I love the AA program, and it works for me. But, what do you do when your brain seems to shut off and you make a dumb horrible decision to go out and drink? I don't even feel like I made a decision, because my brain just said "okay". Don't get me wrong, I take full responsibility for what happened to me, and I know I got myself in a dangerous situation.

I just feel like such a defeated person today, it's overwhelming and I don't know what to do.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear that, glad that you escaped relatively unharmed though, it could have been much worse.

I am not in AA, but I know you must have numbers to call, correct? The second you have thoughts of drinking like you did, you should have them on speed dial. For me, I log on here with my phone, I keep SR loaded as my browser homepage.

It does get better with time too. Dust yourself off as best as you can and move forward.

Anna

I'm not in AA either, but I did know I had learn to pay attention to my brain/thoughts before it shut down and went on auto pilot. I would also question how great your friend is if he invited you to go out drinking, but maybe he didn't know you were an alcoholic. It's usually necessary to change people, places and things in our lives to make recovery work.

I'm sorry you got hurt.

shellbellz

Hope you find the answers you are looking for.
Posting here is a good choice - letting it all out.

LadyBlue0527

What you do is whatever you need to do to ride the urge and get past it. I'm 48 days in now and I look at most of my posts and they're "pink cloud, puppies, kittens, pretty flowers, I'm so happy that I'm sober" posts. Not sure why I chose to post at the times that I do, when things are good with me because believe me, there are some really ugly and rough rides.

I've sat with my urges gritting my teeth a little and have to have a power talk with myself. I have even removed the choice to drink from myself and have given it to my higher power. I talk to my parents who have both passed away and ask them to please give me strength. I think about the hard work and time that I've put into this. That's some of what I do. Finally, I remember that if I can just get my mind active and doing something else that this feeling is not going to last forever. This too shall pass.

So pick yourself up, dust yourself off and know that this is not the end of the world. YOU CAN DO THIS. MAKE A PLAN for the next time that this happens.

You came back here instead of giving up, that's HUGE.

Nuudawn

Exactly. I feel like I have finally learned that the panic button has to be pushed as soon as we "entertain the thought" of drinking. That's the code yellow..that's when you need to call in the troops. And that's actually late stage, I think you start to drift...or disconnect from your sobriety a wee bit before that. Something starts eating at ya...pressure is building somewhere. That's my take.
Sounds like you paid a pretty wicked price being robbed and all. Thankfully it wasn't too much worse.
Glad you're here. Learn the lesson from this one...and keep on keepin' on.

DrSober

RunningRaces I completely appreciate your post because it reminds me that my urge to drink won't come to me in some obvious fashion, it won't be a discrete "craving" episode, it will probably just sneak up and pounce on me. I need to be prepared all of the time. Scary. Thanks for your post.

RunningRaces

Thank you everyone for your comments, I really appreciate it. I can't believe how I can go from this responsible person to someone who gets into things like this. I know I just cannot take a drink, but what happened right before I drank seems like I just had pressures building and someone in my head I made the wrong choice. Its my fault 100% what happened. Today all I want to do is bury my head in my pillows and just fall asleep, but I can't. So, I decided to do some writing in my journal about what happened and looked up my meeting list for today. I feel like the biggest loser on the planet.

Avra

Thanks for posting this runninraces. My cravings pounced on me yesterday too, after being resolute Other days and not giving in. I am not sure what was different yesterday but I too drank. I agree you need a plan, and that when we start entertaining drinking we enact that plan. i am going to take that advice too.

Glad you are Ok and nothing worse happened.

Tamerua

You're not a loser. You can't drink. And in that, you are certainly not alone!

Do you have a sponsor? If not, work on getting one: then when a friend calls to grab a beer and if you say yes, you call your sponsor right after. You'll get through it.

MIRecovery

I go to AA meetings so I never forget. Cunnig baffling and powerful. I never under estimate what Im dealing with

quitforme79

As soon as I have a thought to drink I call someone from AA. And then I call 2 more people. By the time I have spoken to 3 AA's I feel much better and have been talked out of doing anything rash. You can also tell your friends to not ask you to go have a drink anymore. This may not stop them from asking but it's worth a shot.

aw58

Aw no that's awful are you ok, what a rotten horrid low life person to punch someone in the face. Have you done the practical things like cancel your bank cards etc.
Does your friend know you have a drink issue and you don't want to drink , maybe tell him ?
I think what happens is sometimes we just plain forget we don't drink anymore and really its the nasty AV tricking us . Don't beat your self up I think you wont be in a hurry to do it again

RunningRaces

I'm okay, I have a black eye and a cut under my eye from where the guy punched my glasses into me. I have cancelled my banking information and I should have new cards issued by Tuesday. I get paid on Wednesday thank God because I need to buy new glasses. I don't have spares and my contacts are long gone. I'm only 30 but I have horrible vision and I can hardly see anything right now. And, to add insult to injury, I have had to call a locksmith to make new keys for my car, and my apartment because those were attached to my wallet that got stolen.

I think my friend knows now, he is aware I had been sober but I need to own up to myself, I accepted the invite. Maybe part of it is that I've been extremely lonely lately and I needed some social activity,but I gave up a lot this time and if I could go back and prevent it I would.

I consider myself lucky in so many ways, it could have been much worse, so many other things could have gone wrong. I'm a professional in the area and live near colleagues in my field and it could have ended me, or I could've gotten in legal trouble. Even though I know it could have been worse, I am not mitigating what happened-normal people just don't get into this kind of thing. I look back on Friday night and the insanity of it all continues to shock me. I'm embarrassed as heck and trying to keep putting my best foot forward.

tabasco

You're higher power came down and punched you for being so stupid and to remind you, you can never drink again. Seems like a bargain if you listen. A lot less painful for one punch and in exchange, a lifetime of happiness and hope. x

mfanch

Before taking the steps, I had no mental defense against the first drink. I was insane. The bb talks about the seemingly non-thinking decision to pick up. The strange mental blank spots, etc.

I needed a solution pronto. The solution/program is the 12 steps. Once I took them, I was safe from that mental obsession. I became spiritually fit and mentally sane. I have an inner resource that handles that in case my brain "shuts off". lol

I was at a friend's wedding anniversary party last night. The booze was flowing and it didn't even cross my mind to drink. It was like there was none there. I was completely indifferent to it. What a nice change. I left around 11. That was the time that folks started getting stupid.

You don't have to make those decisions anymore.

aw58

Hi RR can you get some glasses off the shelve for a few days just to tide you over. Did you report it to the police or would that be a bad thing to do with your job. How you going to explain your black eye (Im so practical lol)
Im glad your friend now realises, its so not easy, you really have learnt the hard way and expensive.

DesperadoBlond

Hi RunningRaces!

So happy to hear you are alive after that one! Geez! Getting mugged sucks! I know!

I am 8 months sober and I am worried that I may do just what you did. I once started drinking again after 3 months sober. Just like you describe it, I got invited to a party and my brain just said "Okay". I guess some call it a mental "blind spot".

Since you are in AA, this may interest you: I asked my sponsor how to avoid relapse. I told him I am scared of it "just happening". My sponsor pointed me to the "MORE ABOUT ALCOHOLISM" chapter in the Big Book. Thereäs a story about a guy named Jim who relapses just like that. And my sponsor pointed out to me that, according to the book, Jim relapsed because "he failed to expand his spiritual life". He didn't do any "work on his recovery". No stepwork.

So basically, my sponsor suggests: work the steps, keep busy working the program. He thinks just going to meetings isn't enough "to maintain our arrestment".

Dee74

Welcome back RunningRaces

D

RunningRaces

Thank you again everyone for your replies and help. I've just asked for help to get a sponsor so I can have a safe person to call on. I'm finally calming down over the whole episode but can't keep feeling disbelief and shame.