pacificsunrise

although I've said to myself that I won't post late at night, here I am again.

after more than two years of separation from AH and no signs of any recovery on his part (which I really shouldn't even be concerned with), I am still having trouble with finding inner peace.

I am debating going to a naranon meeting which is about 1 hr away, dreading having to take all 3 kids w/ me. I got kinda discouraged last time I went to alanon b/c it seemed too strict (all the women were extremely nice and understanding). I wanted to get advice and was told that they cannot do that. and granted, I probably didn't give it much of a chance, since I never went since. also, i'm not that big on spirituality, more confused and undecided. don't mean to offend anyone, it's just that I have had some negative experiences with spirituality in the past, and thus have been skeptical.

I come to SR, try to read as much as I can, and most of the time I am ok w/ understanding that I did the right thing and am continuing to do the right thing, but after a while the old doubts still start to creep in.

I want to focus on myself more. i'm also thinking about seeing a therapist for myself (which is probably long overdue).

not sure where i'm going w/ all this, but what I am asking is some advice on how to be at peace with myself?
how to take better care of myself? with 3 little ones running around all day, it gets hard getting time for myself (that's why i'm on SR at 3 am, lol). and when I do get time for myself, I tend to do things that are really not for myself, like chores, catching up w/ work, etc.

what did some of you do to ease your mind and make yourself feel more at peace and not constantly haunted by someone elses addiction and all the drama?

now I wonder if i'm addicted to drama and just won't let myself be at peace? who knows? I need to go to bed, lol.

anyways, any and all advice or stories are greatly appreciated.

hugs and hope to everyone.

Kindeyes

Hey there
Well here I am at 2:00am responding to you. lol. Not because I can't find peace but because I had to pee and getting back to sleep is sometimes tough (sorry if that's TMI!:-)

I have had problems in my past with a specific "brand" of organized religion......as opposed to spirituality....so I think I understand what you mean. Spirituality is an issue between me and MY God...the God of my understanding....and that's very different than the God I was exposed to in my past. The God in my past was the God I was threatened with.....if that makes sense. The God I know now is much kinder and gentler.

I did find peace through working the steps of Nar-Anon and private counseling. But even with that I do still have periods of anxiety.....it doesn't make that all just go away. I simply have tools now to deal with those feelings, find serenity again quickly, and be able to focus again.

One hour is a long way to travel for a meeting with three kids. Your reluctance is understandable. If you have more Al-Anon options nearby, perhaps trying a few different meetings would help you find one that is more comfortable for you. There is also CoDA as an option as well perhaps. The nice things about Nar-Anon instead of Al-Anon is the comfort in being able to talk about the drug issue.....it is different.

I find peace in knowing that I'm not alone. Knowing that my job is to deal with life one day at a time. And knowing that I can hand my worries over to God and let them go because they are out of my control anyway. I made myself crazy for a long time trying to control things that were out of my control......trying to manage other people's drama. Heck....I cant even manage my own self created drama and I have to turn it over to the care of God....I'm not sure why I thought I could handle other people's drama too! lol

There are a lot of different ways to find peace but that's how I do it.

It is hard to focus on yourself with three kids but if I could do it all over again, I would have tried to focus on some self care while raising my two.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

Ann

I had to try several meetings before I found the one that was right for me, but that may be hard with children in tow. Are there any Al-anon meetings closer to home? They tend to have a greater numbers of meetings and maybe that would help.

I found my inner peace many places, most of all I found it walking quietly in nature as this is where I felt the presence of a power greater than me...who I choose to call God but you can call Nature, Universe...whatever you are comfortable with. Walking a beach and listening to the waves and birds and smelling the freshness in the air, walking though a forest and seeing the sun rays shine down through the trees, sitting on a hill watching clouds and feeling the breeze whisper to my heart...all places where I found my peace.

For many years I would light a candle at night and then just meditate, sometimes with quiet background music and sometimes in silence. I would try not to think, to breathe deeply and let the peace wrap itself around me.

Meetings are not the only answer, sometimes you just have to think of where you find your own peace and then make a point of going there often.

Hope you find some peace today.

Hugs

pacificsunrise

thank you both for responding. I have my up days and my down days. this whole month seemed to be a bit rough. not really sure why, but it happens from time to time. I am trying to spend less time around people that impact my life in a negative way. this is hard b/c they include my family of origin (I only have few family members in the US), but it does give me some peace from my anxiety.
I have decided that I have to take care of myself at any cost, if I want to have peace.

for me it was hard to learn the concept that just because people are your close family, doesn't necessarily mean that they will treat you the way that you need to be treated and they may not provide the emotional support that you may need. now, i'm trying to spend more time around people that actually uplift me (like here on SR) and in return, I can start feeling better about myself.

I appreciate all the kind words and encouragement. hugs and hope.

lizwig

I'm glad you are finding peace Pacific sunrise. I also find some days are simply harder than others. Someone once said (on here I believe) that the difference between a good and a bad day was a couple of days. I try to keep this in mind. I've gotten much better at sitting in my discomfort. I also had to distance myself from some toxic people. I knew they weren't lifting me up but I don't think I realised just how much they were dragging me down emotionally. Be patient with yourself. We are all a work in progress!

pacificsunrise

lizwig - thank you. I agree with what you said about not noticing how people affect us until after the fact. I often catch myself, thinking, well that wasn't that bad b/c there were no major blowouts or arguments, until I leave and a few hours later or the next day, I start feeling like *rap. and then when I think about it, I realize that it was all that negativity that accumulated and is trying to come to the surface.
thanks for the support. hugs and hope.

story74

I feel you. For me it has been two years. The majority of days are great, and then some aren't. Yesterday I spilled my guts to a friend, and I haven't been able to shake it. It made me question how far I have actually come. I think this road we are on is painful. It isn't easy. I also feel that the week before the time of my month I feel WAY more emotional.

I miss him, and I miss my family. I didn't just loose him, but I lost his family, cousins, friends, and worst of all my son lost his dad. Then, there is the money owed, the lack of responsibility, the abandonment, the cheating. It ain't easy to heal, but we are are. I feel as though this summer I have had the time to work through certain memories. A bad memory pops into my head, and I see it, hear it and then let it go. I have had a lot of bad memories. I become clearer and clearer as time goes by. And, I am sure you are too...slowly but surely. We all keep coming back to this site for a reason. Just keep letting yourself feel.

I am a spiritual person. I don't have the time to go to meetings. I heal in solitude. When I am by myself at night I think. I feel. I analyze. I heal. I also do yoga and meditate. Find what helps you. It is hard with kids. I have 1, and I have no life. He is my life.

zoso77

In my experience, inner peace is something that just happened very gradually. But what enabled me to achieve inner peace was knowing that I was done with my AXGF. After she pulled what she pulled, there was no going back.

Again, the difference between you and I is not just marriage, but children. It was pretty damn simple to wash my hands of a toxic person. I didn't have to deal with finances, or property, or children. So, yes, it's more of a challenge to find inner peace when faced with the things you're faced with.

The one thing I can share is two days after she did what she did, I decided I was going to be OK. I woke up, said "f**k this" to myself, and just decided that the days of her f**king with my head and heart were done. Didn't mean I wasn't hurt. Didn't mean I didn't feel the sting of betrayal. What it did mean was I decided to face the hurt and betrayal head on, and then do my best to get through my days. I went to a lot of meetings early on. And then three months after we split, I was in the middle of the Utah desert for work. She popped into my head, and then I simply dismissed her. I was living the life I wanted to live even then: travelling for work, playing with my band, and gearing up for my last two semesters of graduate school. There was no room for an addict with BPD in my life anymore. And when I realized I could be in the middle of nowhere, flex my engineering muscles, and be 100% at ease, I knew I was in good shape. But again, the key for me was deciding no mas.

I hope in the days and months to come, you can do things to fill your soul. Whatever those things are are completely up to you.

Best,
ZoSo