DesperadoBlond

8 months sober.

My supposed "real" career is not working out quite yet... I have planted seeds here and there and I am waiting to hear back from one potentially fantastic employer... there are no guarantees it will result in anything at all tho.

BUT, in the meantime I am running desperately low on cash. In six weeks I will be broke. So, I am trying to find an alternative job, a whatever interim job...

I've always been enormously bad at making money. I am shy and awkward and nervous.

I don't want to be doing this. I have a ****** lump in my throat and I want to cry while I am looking at the potentially crappy jobs that are available to me. And the worst part is that financial insecurity makes me panic,. it makes me incapable of taking positive action, getting up early, even pretending to be enthusiastic.

I'm a prisoner of my negative thoughts.

Junegirl

Boy, I hear you, Desperado. Been there too.
A temp job til you get your dream job sounds like a good idea. Something to keep the cash coming in til you get the dream job. Keep on keeping on and you'll get there.

Best to you,

June

deeker

Sometimes we have to start at the bottom in all areas of our lives. Hubby is working for minumum wage at a pizza place. I am making only a little more. He was a purchasing manager for a large firm at one time making good money. We came out of a 3 bedroom home on water with an in ground pool in Florida.We both are addicts.

We lost everything home, vehicles all our stuff in storage, we were broke. I never thought life would get good again. 52 and living with my parents. But we took those minumum wage jobs and we prayed and trusted God. We just kept doing the next right thing. Our needs have always been met and today after 2 years we are moving into our own cute little, meets our needs apt.

Its everything I wanted and all I really need.. Small, clean, no outside maintenance, close to everything. I found that all that stuff never filled that hole inside anyways. What filled it was a relationship with God. When you are able to find that , it is amazing how little you actually need to be happy.

FeenixxRising

Just keep at it Desperado. Many of us here understand financial insecurity all too well.

I've always kept my nose to the grindstone, I kept knocking on doors, and somehow I've always found a way to make a decent living. You can do the same. I know it's frustrating, and not emotionally easy, but with time things will work out.

FeenixxRising

Ah, but you are capable, and you don't have to be a prisoner.

Itchy

With sobriety life doesn't get better, we do. It sucks less sober because we can deal with those thoughts and feelings sober. Running away doesn't fix them, it gives them time to grow bigger. As bad as it feels, feelings are inevitable. How we act on them defines our sobriety as good or bad. We all had to choose to go forward sober, rather than back to incapacitated and numbed. We all deserve better. We all have to earn it one step at a time. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is doing the right thing in spite of it. I can't give you courage, you have to take it for yourself. Take courage.

DesperadoBlond

Hi guys!

Thanks for the replies full of courage, experience and strength!

My professional life has been a crazy, unmanageable see-saw for the pas 5-6 years. I see people around me getting it together... It never seems to happen to me.

I'm a disaster at being sane and calm when it comes to work and financial stuff. I self sabotage, I get so insecure that I act really weird and it puts people off.

Because of this, I have previously (when in this same situation) decided to just let it all go and see what happens. LOL Obiously, when the money runs out and the bills don't get paid... well, we all know what happens.

My life is a series of crappy jobs that pay little. I honestly wish it would all just end. Give me relief for once!!!

EverySngleNight

I'm really sorry you are going through all that. Please don't give up. Do you have any family or friends that might be able to lend you some financial support? Are you eligible for any public assistance? I'm having a horrible day today, I'm writing you to remind myself too- dont ever give up. I hope things get better for you.

DesperadoBlond

Hey!

No, I am not eligible for any public support. I have mostly been working free lance and my jobs have kind of dried up at the moment.

My family... that's not really an option either. I have to make this work by myself this time.

EverySngleNight

I understand how you feel about "having to make it work." I'm there myself! You seemed really critical of yourself and honestly, it was a little painful to read. :-( I hope that you don't allow those negative thoughts stop you from reaching out for help when you need it. There's nothing wrong with that. All things I should be encouraging myself to do... Sending you positive vibes.

DesperadoBlond

Hi you!

Thanks for the positive vibes!

I'm like you! I can "help" anyone but myself!

whipster

I could have written your post, I got laid off recently, the money is drying up, and am now planning to stay at a friends house in their spare room until I get another job.

I hope things get better for you, don't give up because that will solve nothing.

Dee74

From your posts I know you're capable and personable K.

i know you'll get to where you're going, and I know you'll deal with whatever stopgap measures you need to take

Sometimes, life doesn't go the way we want and we have to adjust and eat a little... dirt for a while.

I've done a variety of menial jobs - I hated most of them at the time, but they got me to where I wanted to be, and looking back, it wasn't that bad

As denting to the pride as it is, I guarantee it won't kill you, and it just might 'learn' you something that will hold you in good stead later

D

bigsombrero

I can sure feel your pain. I am sorry to hear about those feelings - I can relate exactly. When money is not a problem, things are fine...but when I look ahead and see the numbers don't add up and there's not a solution in place, it drives me into deep depression and anxiety. I really get head-over-teakettle and can barely function, like you said even pretending to be happy is too much to ask.

Others have given you job advice, but I think people like you and me also need to develop our coping skills more. After all, we have safety nets. We might not like to ask for help (I know I don't), but in the end, it's there if we need it. Whether that's help from the state, the government, your family or other resources, it's there. You will not be out on the street in six weeks. You will probably be fine - so there's no harm in letting all those monstrous scenarios roll off your back.

As for the short term, there's a ton of things you can do - what about selling that old baseball card collection on craigslist? Maybe you can cut down on some of the luxury items you are accustomed to...in my case I had to stop eating steak and shrimp and switch to chicken thighs, rice and beans. I lost a ton of weight by default, a nice side effect - I jokingly refer to the "poverty diet" when anyone asks about how to lose weight haha.

But like I said, I think this kind of mental anguish speaks more to our lack of coping skills in this area. If things are good today, try and enjoy it. If you are working on making your situation better in the future, that is all you can ask of yourself. Good luck and again I am sorry you're dealing with this, it is a maddening feeling and you can really feel all alone because it's hard to discuss this with others.

Nuudawn

I too sooooo understand that whole "hole" you're in Desperado. I'm in my mid 40's...living with my mom...trying to make a small business...fly. The latter may come a little easier now that I've sobered up. I have a feeling...that if we stick with this sobriety thing...it will all turn around...we will spread our wings and fly : )

Threshold

(((((hugs)))))

Anna

I agree with Dee. I think that you're selling yourself short. You come across as articulate and intelligent.

When we moved here 5 years ago, I had to leave a job I LOVED so much. I was working for a non-profit organization and it was an amazing experience. But...life goes on. So, I started working at a job here that way way, way outside of my comfort level. And, it hasn't been easy, I've shed my share of tears. But, I stuck with it, and I can contribute to the family income. Interestingly, this job has necessitated me to stand up for myself, to say 'No' when necessary and to not be a people-pleaser. All those lessons I learned from my recovery and they have come in handy.

I know the job market in so many fields is difficult and I wish you well in your job search. Try to stay positive.

IWillWin

Desperado - I can relate. I am in the very early stage of consideration for a dream position and I'm on pins and needles about what comes next. Luckily, I am more than gainfully employed at the moment and this would just be an excellent career step but the uncertainty is what I share most with you. I hate having my fate in the hands if others. Gee, an alcoholic who wants to control everything? What a shocker. Lol!

Stay positive and focused - I firmly believe that the promises of sobriety will come to us both. We deserve it. We are worth it. And these employers would be lucky to have us!