Vici

Hi, I need help/guidance/advice....my hubby is currently on rehab and checked himself in. His doc is synthetic pot...he would smoke the real thing fortunately his work makes random, mandatory alcohol & drug testing due to the nature of his job. This is not his first stint, in fact less than two months ago he checked into a facility for 21days but less than 48hrs later he smoked again. Last year he went in for 21days in a different facility and stayed 'clean' for at least 6mths. The latest commitment made me very angry and I just want us to end BUT with children I realise that it's not black and white. It's the weekend and he wanted to see the kids, I told him that I don't believe it's a good idea as they do miss him but it gets worse when we have to leave him behind. I also requested that he do not call us- I feel that I do not want to listen to him make promises or say anything along the lines of, 'this time I will change'. I do love him very much BUT I know and realise that this has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with. I'm working full-time, with primary school kids and a mortgage - I have BS at work - is it wrong to ask for serenity at home. I feel that I'm in limbo and that I'm being hard on my husband. Please advice if not allowing my children to see their father, for now, is the right thing? Pls share your thoughts/ideas/advice.

AnvilheadII

actually with children it IS that black and white. the other adult is fully capable of figuring things out for themselves...the children? they have no choice but to be at the mercy of the adult's decisions. shift your focus from what your husband "needs" to what your children need. what provides THEM with a safe, sane and drug free household and life? would you allow a drug addict to waltz thru your classroom?

he's done the rehab thing, multiple times. he KNOWS what he needs to do to be sober. he has a wife, a home, children, a life. and YET...

subordinary

@Vici - I felt the same way when my addict wife first went into treatment. Her drug of choice is different but she has been through the same treatment and relapse cycles as your husband. I was so angry with her to be going through yet another relapse and now another treatment that I didn't want to talk to her or visit her in treatment. Don't get me wrong, I was glad she was in treatment instead of out getting high. But I didn't want to deal with her.

She has been in treatment for 3 weeks today and much of my anger is gone. We just started talking on the phone with each other again. I am even thinking of going to visit her in the next few days. We have 4 kids and they have not talked on the phone with their mom and I don't plan on taking them to visit her in treatment (they are ages 3-12)

We've mutually agreed on separating, even before she went into treatment, but the time apart has allowed me to come to terms with the end of our marriage and be ok with it.

allforcnm

I think taking the kids for a visit is something that you just have to judge based on the impact it has on them, how you feel about seeing him, and the value it has for him also. It sounds like right now you are dealing with a lot of emotions. So think about how you would be able to relate to him right at this time. Would it be helpful to either of you?

As you said in your post, he has a lot of issues to deal with, and usually there is more going on behind the addiction. Its not a lot of comfort maybe, but it is common for people to need multiple treatments. Hopefully this time will meet more of his needs.

When my husband was in rehab, I did some work with a therapist and it helped me deal with a lot of my own emotions, later on we both did marriage counseling and that helped us too. Our son was just an infant when his dad went into rehab, so I didn't have as much worry over the emotional impact. I know it is a lot harder with older children. You will make the right decision, just trust your instincts and listen to that little voice inside.

cynical one

I think you've answered your own question about whether or not to take the children to see him. Why traumatize them more than they have already been?

What he WANTS should be a very distant 3rd behind what is best for the children, and what you need for you.

Vici

First I am grateful for the feedback. I value and appreciate everyone who posted. @Anvil you are right, it is black and white with children. I DO know what to do and HE is an adult who is causing the chaos in our lives and the children are the pawns. I feel angry with myself that I was so naive...but it is true you only know what you know and I have said to him before he went in that if he feels that he can't be sobre or deal with the reality of our lives then I do not want him to come back. Aaagghh...I am full of anger more towards myself that I failed to see things for what it was. Thank you all.

OneNightAWeek

This is so true: we only know what we know, and there is no point blaming ourselves for what we didnt realize, or how we acted when we were unaware. I think Im just exiting this stage right now. Im not angry at myself anymore, only happy that my eyes are open.

Vici

I feel so grateful that I found this site and this forum. A couple of hours ago I spoke to my hubby and he expressed his anger towards me that I'm not allowing our children to visit. He sees me as doing it to be vindictive - then he went on to say that I'm not supportive. The things he says cuts me deep that I'm now wanting to just visit him but after reading through posts from this site- (and speaking to his brother) I know that I am not doing it for the reasons he wants to believe. I am just over this roller coaster! I look at my gorgeous children and I pray for change.