Kimmieh

My ABF is still in the U.S. while I am in Canada. It has been almost a year that we have been separated physically and he has been coping ok (seriously cut down on alcohol, supported himself financially, took care of bureaucratic things, etc). A few days ago he moved out from a relative's house (which was a temporary solution) into a room and yesterday he called me crying. Let me add that he can be very manipulative, but this was real despair. He had an appointment with the social security office and couldn't find the paperwork (which he still had the day before and which had to be there somewhere). He talked about wanting to die and just being so tired.

I urged him to call 911 or go directly to the hospital. We agreed that he would get something to eat (he hadn't eaten in a while) and I would call him again 30 minutes later. He promised not to do anything stupid. A few hours later he called me from the hospital. He had gone to eat something, it didn't help, and he decided to take a cab. When he called he had just been admitted and was waiting for him to move him to the psychiatric ward.

I am so proud of him. I don't know where things will go from here, but he is safe. I did say that it would be a perfect time for rehab, but didn't push the issue. I hope this is his bottom - he has so many traumatic life events to work through and just cannot quit alcohol and deal with his mood swings by himself (his mother is bipolar, so perhaps there is some mild form of that going on, I don't know).

I am also proud of myself for not dropping everything and driving down there because then he would not have admitted himself. Once again I can see how my "support" for him did not help him at all. It's much better when I keep things stable on my side and let him take care of his life.

But please send him some good thoughts. I have complained about him a lot, but he has really tried for the past year and now is the time for him to be in a safe place with people who know what they are doing.

ichabod

I am so glad for both of you that he has reached out for help. I hope this is a wonderful, huge first step for him. And good for you for not running to the rescue!

OnawaMiniya

I hope this is the beginning of him getting it together. You seem to have boundaries and have good reason to be proud. If it were me, I'd be proud but have reservations, I wouldn't want to get my hopes up. I of course am with a different alcoholic, don't know much about your situation. Or him. Or you. Just a gentle reminder, because it is funny how even if we know something logically or rationally, sometimes out heart can still get wrapped up in it all and we get hurt more. The thing is you never do know. You can be supportive while guarded. I truly hope this is his bottom as you say and that he's serious. Definitely in my thoughts. good luck. Peace.

Kimmieh

Your post couldn't have come at a better time...I just got off the phone with him (well, he hung up on me) and I am in tears and frustrated and hopeless and so sick of feeling this way. He wants to leave the hospital, he is in a crappy mood (because he can't smoke there), he talks about the hideous room he has to go back to and when I mentioned rehab (it's the perfect time), he said "why, I don't have a drinking problem." When I said "yes you do, you need to work on the issue that make you drink," he hung up on me. Perhaps it's for the better. We were talking about me visiting him next week, but right now I don't know what to do.

I can't take the drinking anymore and I won't move back together if doesn't get treatment for it. But can I really tell someone this days after he admitted himself for being suicidal? If only I could rid myself of this guilt. I have to remind myself what I have dealt with for seven years:

- stayed up all night to make sure he is still breathing
- cleaned up mattresses, couches, carpets countless times after he peed himself while drunk
- was peed on twice
- found him passed out in the apartment complex hallway and talked the cop who was called out of taking him
- woke him up so he could get to work
- drove him to DUI day reporting twice
- watched my poor dogs hide when he went into drunken rages when I dared to speak up (before I learned better)
- had the police outside of my door because he threatened the apartment complex manager with a knife (it was an ambiguous situation, but it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been drunk
- got drunk (although he promised not to drink) when he met my friends (they all live far away) and when my sister and her kids visited us (he went into a drunken rage and argued with me. I had asked him to please not drink because my sister's ex is an alcoholic and I wanted the kids to get a break. Didn't happen)
- on numerous occasions we were invited to events or parties and he was too drunk to go
- I have waited night after night after night because he didn't come home and didn't answer his phone and then turned up totally wasted

He doesn't currently drink much, but that makes him angry. I can't live with that anger anymore than I can live with the drinking. At the same time I feel guilty because I know it's a rough time for him. But nobody forced him not to take care of important things to make sure he can take care of himself.

I am so confused right now. He can't call me (since I am in Canada) right now and I have no desire to call him. I want this to end. I am so tired from taking care of someone. So right now I am just crying to get stuff out of my system I guess.

dandylion

Kimmieh, Maybe the geographic separation of being in Canada has been a good thing. It is harder to be enabling or get as entangled from that kind of distance. so, he has been forced to rely on himself without sucking you back into the vortex.

I can see that he has made progress and made the wise decision to admit himself. There is still the sticky wicket that he has "cut down" but no committed to working a program of recovery. Alcohol is a depressant which cannot be helping his already difficult situation in that regard. It he is to have a chance at becoming in control of his own life, he will need recovery from alcoholism. Without recovery--alcoholism remains in charge.

I hope the best for him and for you. Your recovering process remains as important as his.

dandylion

Kimmieh

Thank you dandylion. You are spot on - he is not committed to working a program. And that means nothing will change and I am still looking for bread at the hardware store. The distance is a blessing. I have to work on ridding myself from the belief in the potential, but it really breaks my heart.

Sauerkraut2

Unfortunately, you have as big as a problem as he does and your guilt is miss placed. If you really want the enabling and your personal hell to end, then end it. Walk away, change your phone number and don't contact him.

Please re-read what you wrote and think about how pathetic and sad your situation is. You are responsible for your hell as he is for his.

You deserve better.

OnawaMiniya

I'm sorry. My AH will act like he's going to stop or even promise to. But then will say or do something that shows he's absolutely not mentally there yet, maybe he never will be. He hasn't even had a drink in a few days (that I know of....I'm so sick of it all that I put nothing past him as far as deceit about drinking), and honestly, though he hasn't been as unpleasant as usual (which is one reason I'm not dropping my guard as he tends to act like a dry drunk when not drinking) I'm not excited about it. I know he will go back. It's just when. Next week or money situation will improve. I'm sure it'll be right back to drunken nastiness. Even though there are some deeply painful things going on right now. It's all about him.

Just wanted to say I understand the disappointment.

Hugs to you.

Post here lots.

dandylion

kimmieh, I posted before I got to read your LATEST "report".

Unwarrented guilt is a stumbling block for many a co-dependent--I believe is for you, right now. You must remember the nature of alcoholism and how the alcoholic typically responds. He appears to be in denial about his alcoholism. Most alcoholics will not surrender the fight to hold on to their ability to drink until the pain becomes so bad that sobriety looks like the only option. It just doesn't sound, to me, like he is there yet.

You can't control how this is going to go--how he is going to handle his life and decisions. Your over inflated sense of guilt will not help him, either. When guilt motivates your actions---I think you have to analyze that verrry carefully.

Being in a relationship with an alcoholic is like a trip through the netherworld. It is painful and dangerous---as alcoholism hurts everyone that it touches. No one gets a break.

You could really use some extra support from alanon, or a sponsor, or a therapist, right now.

You have us. You are not alone.

dandylion

Kimmieh

Thank you all so so much for the support! I looked for Al-Anon meetings and there are many as I live in the big city.

I feel much better now. I spent the day outside in sunny weather on walks with the dogs and outside reading. When I get out of that emotional bubble, the guilt is not so much of a problem as long as I remind myself that I really have nothing to feel guilty about (sounds so easy, eh??!). I did not call him back (fought the urge successfully) and won't call. One day at a time. No contact today, no contact tomorrow. Baby steps.

You are the best!