fluffyflea

Hi All,

Feeling like I need a refresher course in co-dependent behaviours?

What are the signs when we are enabling and being co-dependent?

firebolt

I could use these answers too - feeling like I have good and bad days, but most lines are semi blurred to me. Getting out is seeming WAY easier that finding a way to deal in a healthy way.

4MyBoys

For me the simple answere is it is doing things for someone that they could and should do themselves.

Because my ex was drinking most of the time I just started doing all the things he should be doing because it was easier, quicker, done the right way, etc.. There were a million reasons I would give why I was doing it. But the truth is I was doing things for a grown man that as a contributing member of our marriage, duties as a Dad, whatever, he should have been doing himself. I was covering for him.....

4MyBoys

wolfpackfan45

I agree with 4myboys. If I'm doing something for my son that he's capable of doing himself then I'm enabling. Like if he hasn't paid a parking ticket he got and I mail it in for him, then I'm enabling. If his clothes are dirty and I go in his room and do his laundry for him. If he has spent all his money by frittering it away and I give him cash for a money. If I wake him up every morning for work instead of letting him wake up with his own alarm clock. Of course, there are time when I choose just to do something nice for him. Like on his birthday we took his car in and had it cleaned. He popped some buttons off his shirt and I offered to sew them on for him because I was just sitting around. Sometimes though it gets confusing and I have to thinks before I do something, I have to ask myself it what I'm doing is healthy for him in the long run. Sometimes it's hard to figure it out.

theuncertainty

Making excuses in order to help AXH avoid negative consequences, even if the negative consequences affect me, too. As examples: calling AXH in "sick" so he doesn't get canned for not showing up for work because he's hung over (or still passed out). Telling family that AXH is not feeling well, and that's why he's/we're not attending the family gathering.

Taking care of the paperwork for the insurance for his rehab stint for him so it gets done and he doesn't get stuck with the full bill rather than just the deductible or whatever isn't covered.

After being out of the immediate area of the the alcohol / enabling circle, I found that quite a lot of the times I felt resentful about his behavior and lack of responsibility, felt like he was being more a teenager than 30-40 yo, it was because my actions were enabling his behavior.

POAndrea

I know I'm acting codependent when I do something for AH he is still able to do that is not something I do for all adult members of the household. FOr example, I will wash and put away everyone's clothes when the hamper is full, but I really shouldn't strip the bed and wash the sheets when he soils himself. I still struggle with not making excuses to others for him "G isn't feeling well today and is so sorry he's missing your anniversay, mom" and getting defensive when others criticize his use. I still feel guilty and personally attacked when friends and family say bad things about him, although intellectually I know it's not about my shortcomings. (And believe me, those who love me have no problems pointing out when I myself am doing wrong and what I should do with him instead!)

ZenMe

Not being able to say "no" to very reasonable things.

Tuffgirl

To me, codependency also includes a strong desire to please others, to the detriment to ourselves and our own needs.

DreamsofSerenity

Fighting with him about his drinking.

Thumper

Doing for others what they can do for themselves because I feel obligated or like I can do it better.

Feeling resentful about decisions I have made or what I have done for others.

Feelings resentful when others do not meet my expectations - especially when even I can see my expectations were unlikely to be met.

Feeling victimized.

Feeling powerless.

Feeling panicked to fix someone else's uncomfortableness.

Not even realizing I have a feeling about a situation and/or not being able to identify what my feelings/thoughts about the matter are.

Not thinking things through and/or not listening to people - just jumping in with my 2 cents. (advice or strategies etc either because I feel like I know more or that I need to fix it for them)

Those are some things I watch out for.

4MyBoys

Thanks Thumper!

That is one that I still need to work on for myself. I don't even realize I am doing it until afterwards.......

Flicka57

I see myself acting co-dependently not when I do something for someone or to help someone but when I am doing in regularly for one person who does not appreciate it, nor are they willing to do the same for me. Of if I am always putting my scheduled and interests on hold for another and focusing on them instead. Just my personal take on it!

Brokentapestry

For me it is about control. If I'm trying to control how someone else feels through my actions, then that is being co-dependent. I can usually spot when I'm trying to control how someone acts. But manipulating feelings is sneakier, and so I don't always recognize it.

ZenMe

I'm going to take this one step further. If your well-being, the way you are feeling that day and actions depend on what the other person is doing, when they will be home, go out, do whatever...that's another sign.

KKE

Thinking I know what he needs to do to sort his life out and make him happy. Thinking if he took my advice all would be good in our world.

JustanotherWOA

Really like the last few posts by KKE, ZenMe, Brokentapestry. Makes sense to me. I've often read that arguing with the alcoholic about their drinking was an indication of co-dependent behaviour, and I never quite understood that. But into the context of control, it makes perfect sense. I think to argue, disagree, express how we are impacted by another's behaviour is fair. Ideally, it should be done with emotional detachment, however that is not always possible or realistic. We can't be too hard on ourselves.

Thumper

This has become very ingrained. I have to watch it too, especially with my kids now.

LexieCat

Again, sure, arguing and expressing how we feel is "fair" but it is POINTLESS. It wears us down, it does not HELP us, it does not REGISTER with the alcoholic. It isn't that we should do those things with detachment--if we are detached we don't NEED to do it.

Failing to argue every point (or to argue at all), or failure to express disagreement is not the equivalent of agreeing. Dropping the rope in the battle of wills with someone motivated to protect an addiction is one of the very best ways to regain our sense of self and our dignity.

LifeRecovery

My "behavior" often means less then how I feel. It has taken me years to get to that place.

If I am trying to quell my own anxiety or the anxiety I can sense in someone else (which I don't have any say over), my behavior is usually not coming from a place of health.

fluffyflea

One thing I need to do I realized from reading everyones threads is feel some feelings.

Identify them and feel them,be honest about how I,m feeling.