LONG post but appreciate your help if you can
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
LONG post but appreciate your help if you can
Oy vey, here I am again. So it’s been about 6 months since I learned that the past 4 years of AH’s “sobriety” and attending weekly AA meetings was all a façade. About 4 months since I went to my first Alanon meeting. About 3-1/2 months since AH told me the first time (this time around) that he was getting sober. I posted a while ago about how he had finally buckled down and had nearly 30 days sober, then drank and did in fact tell the truth about that. Since then, it seemed he had been doing well again; I didn’t question him regarding his sobriety status, but he was attending (as far as I know) 5 meetings a week, actually WORKING w/his sponsor instead of just blowing him off and reading his AA literature often.
We had any number of pretty good conversations on recovery-related topics, not in the sense of what specifically we each were up to but more in the sense of things that rang true for us, stuff someone had said that seemed useful, general ideas and how we did or didn’t understand them. I began to feel pretty hopeful and even said, on more than one occasion, “You know, I’d sure prefer to have 20 good years behind us, but since we can’t have that, I guess this is 2nd best, to get another chance to wake up and try again to do things right.” This past holiday weekend was particularly nice. He seemed way more “present” than I am used to, and we enjoyed some walks w/the dogs and so on.
HOWEVER—there was a sudden “emergency run” to the store for lettuce, which put up a red flag for me. Something like that usually means a booze run. It kind of stewed in my head for a few days. Then yesterday I did something I have never done before. I went and checked his liquor stash. He had told me where he kept it, and it wasn’t in a particularly concealed location, as I had told him right from the start that I wasn’t going to stoop to running around looking for his bottles (guess I lied too, at least this time). So I went there, and yep, right where he said, the bottle of blackberry brandy. I just felt sick.
I debated whether or not to say anything, finally did. He looked at me all innocent, what, what are you talking about? and sounded a little angry when I told him I had gone and checked. I asked if he was sober over the weekend and he said no, not at all. I guess I just proved to myself that I really truly cannot ever EVER tell when he’s drinking and when he’s not unless he overshoots, which doesn’t happen often. So he called his sponsor, who apparently he has been lying to also, and the sponsor told him to go to a meeting, which he did (so far as I know). This morning he informed me he’s going to do the “90 in 90” plan. I wished him well, and I even meant it, I think.
I guess what I can’t get over is the fact that it all felt so real this time. I said that to him, and he said it IS real. I said then your definition of real is different from mine, and he said no, just a different point of view. I said, no, NOT a different point of view—DIFFERENT! To me, REAL sobriety and REAL recovery do not involve drinking and lying! He then said, well, I like the AA meetings and the people there, but I guess I just don’t get it. Well, no, I guess he doesn’t get it…nor do I.
I wish I had run fast and far 20 years ago when we met, when he made a point of telling me he was a recovering A but yet we went out to the bars. I wish I had run when he started lying about smoking cigarettes less than a year after we were married, when there was no reason to lie whatsoever. I had such a pedestal built for him and so wanted him to be my savior and “the one”, I simply never thought about the veritable thicket of red flags. I let them keep on waving over the years b/c I thought being w/him was security, and I felt he was kind to me (and he was/is kind, well, at least when he’s not totally emotionally unavailable!). He has always been there for me to at least some extent for the major crises of my life, but has been almost totally absent for the day-to-day living that is really the glue of a relationship. I totally get that I was complicit in this, and I get it more and more as time goes on. Had I not let my hopes get up this time, had I not started to care again what his actions were, I would never have been so hurt by the revelation that, surprise, surprise, HE IS STILL DRINKING AND STILL LYING.
I don’t normally go to Alanon on Fridays but am making a meeting tonight, for sure. As an aside, my AH told me he is going to go to a different Saturday AM meeting instead of the Buddhist one we had both been attending. He says he needs more focus than that meeting has, and plus that will allow me to be more free in the Buddha meeting since he won’t be there. That might be good….
As I have mentioned in other posts, Alanon folk have told me to wait a year before making a decision about staying married. At this point, I wonder if it even matters. As I said above, I have just seen pretty irrevocable evidence that I truly cannot tell when he’s drinking and/or lying. Does it make sense for me to wait? We have no debt, we are clear on who gets what. Do I just start the proceedings (pro se, no lawyer needed) and deal w/the fallout? What will it change if I do it now versus waiting? I guess I’m not even sure if I’d insist that he leave right away, would be willing to have some sort of agreement put on paper stating his rights and responsibilities, and that I can request that he move out at any time w/30 days notice or the like (I have financial concerns, a long driveway to shovel, an old dog I can't leave alone for more than about 3 hours tops). Is THAT incredibly stupid? If I’m not willing to live w/an active AH, why would I be willing to live w/an active A roommate? Am I just reacting here? Is this all just b/c I’m feeling hurt? Do I just need to focus even more on me?
Many questions whirling in my head, many emotions. If you can spare enough time to help me clarify my thinking, after spending all the time to read this epic, I’d sure be grateful. Not doing anything rash right now, just trying to sort things out. The Courage to Change book had a reading on “The 3 A’s”—Awareness, Acceptance, Action. The main point was that we want to skip that middle A and get right to Action. I’m trying not to do that.
Again, thanks for your help, my SR friends. I’m grateful that I have a place where I can put all this down in writing and trust that I’ll hear what I need to hear from you all, whether I like the sound of it or not.
We had any number of pretty good conversations on recovery-related topics, not in the sense of what specifically we each were up to but more in the sense of things that rang true for us, stuff someone had said that seemed useful, general ideas and how we did or didn’t understand them. I began to feel pretty hopeful and even said, on more than one occasion, “You know, I’d sure prefer to have 20 good years behind us, but since we can’t have that, I guess this is 2nd best, to get another chance to wake up and try again to do things right.” This past holiday weekend was particularly nice. He seemed way more “present” than I am used to, and we enjoyed some walks w/the dogs and so on.
HOWEVER—there was a sudden “emergency run” to the store for lettuce, which put up a red flag for me. Something like that usually means a booze run. It kind of stewed in my head for a few days. Then yesterday I did something I have never done before. I went and checked his liquor stash. He had told me where he kept it, and it wasn’t in a particularly concealed location, as I had told him right from the start that I wasn’t going to stoop to running around looking for his bottles (guess I lied too, at least this time). So I went there, and yep, right where he said, the bottle of blackberry brandy. I just felt sick.
I debated whether or not to say anything, finally did. He looked at me all innocent, what, what are you talking about? and sounded a little angry when I told him I had gone and checked. I asked if he was sober over the weekend and he said no, not at all. I guess I just proved to myself that I really truly cannot ever EVER tell when he’s drinking and when he’s not unless he overshoots, which doesn’t happen often. So he called his sponsor, who apparently he has been lying to also, and the sponsor told him to go to a meeting, which he did (so far as I know). This morning he informed me he’s going to do the “90 in 90” plan. I wished him well, and I even meant it, I think.
I guess what I can’t get over is the fact that it all felt so real this time. I said that to him, and he said it IS real. I said then your definition of real is different from mine, and he said no, just a different point of view. I said, no, NOT a different point of view—DIFFERENT! To me, REAL sobriety and REAL recovery do not involve drinking and lying! He then said, well, I like the AA meetings and the people there, but I guess I just don’t get it. Well, no, I guess he doesn’t get it…nor do I.
I wish I had run fast and far 20 years ago when we met, when he made a point of telling me he was a recovering A but yet we went out to the bars. I wish I had run when he started lying about smoking cigarettes less than a year after we were married, when there was no reason to lie whatsoever. I had such a pedestal built for him and so wanted him to be my savior and “the one”, I simply never thought about the veritable thicket of red flags. I let them keep on waving over the years b/c I thought being w/him was security, and I felt he was kind to me (and he was/is kind, well, at least when he’s not totally emotionally unavailable!). He has always been there for me to at least some extent for the major crises of my life, but has been almost totally absent for the day-to-day living that is really the glue of a relationship. I totally get that I was complicit in this, and I get it more and more as time goes on. Had I not let my hopes get up this time, had I not started to care again what his actions were, I would never have been so hurt by the revelation that, surprise, surprise, HE IS STILL DRINKING AND STILL LYING.
I don’t normally go to Alanon on Fridays but am making a meeting tonight, for sure. As an aside, my AH told me he is going to go to a different Saturday AM meeting instead of the Buddhist one we had both been attending. He says he needs more focus than that meeting has, and plus that will allow me to be more free in the Buddha meeting since he won’t be there. That might be good….
As I have mentioned in other posts, Alanon folk have told me to wait a year before making a decision about staying married. At this point, I wonder if it even matters. As I said above, I have just seen pretty irrevocable evidence that I truly cannot tell when he’s drinking and/or lying. Does it make sense for me to wait? We have no debt, we are clear on who gets what. Do I just start the proceedings (pro se, no lawyer needed) and deal w/the fallout? What will it change if I do it now versus waiting? I guess I’m not even sure if I’d insist that he leave right away, would be willing to have some sort of agreement put on paper stating his rights and responsibilities, and that I can request that he move out at any time w/30 days notice or the like (I have financial concerns, a long driveway to shovel, an old dog I can't leave alone for more than about 3 hours tops). Is THAT incredibly stupid? If I’m not willing to live w/an active AH, why would I be willing to live w/an active A roommate? Am I just reacting here? Is this all just b/c I’m feeling hurt? Do I just need to focus even more on me?
Many questions whirling in my head, many emotions. If you can spare enough time to help me clarify my thinking, after spending all the time to read this epic, I’d sure be grateful. Not doing anything rash right now, just trying to sort things out. The Courage to Change book had a reading on “The 3 A’s”—Awareness, Acceptance, Action. The main point was that we want to skip that middle A and get right to Action. I’m trying not to do that.
Again, thanks for your help, my SR friends. I’m grateful that I have a place where I can put all this down in writing and trust that I’ll hear what I need to hear from you all, whether I like the sound of it or not.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Honeypig, does it make sense to you to wait?
So many people (me included back then) ask this very question and it really isn't something anyone of us can answer for you.
Based on everything you've written here - you've done a lot of introspection already. Are you ready to let this go? If you are, then do it. The only way through it is through it. If you still have doubts, wait. You'll know.
I am sorry he continues to lie. You know it is what they do, so try not to take it personally. Honestly, I felt kind of sorry for him reading this post. The guy is obviously struggling to accept he really is powerless over it all. Gotta accept and embrace Step 1 if anything else in AA is going to make sense.
One day at a time, honeypig. Trust yourself.
~T
So many people (me included back then) ask this very question and it really isn't something anyone of us can answer for you.
Based on everything you've written here - you've done a lot of introspection already. Are you ready to let this go? If you are, then do it. The only way through it is through it. If you still have doubts, wait. You'll know.
I am sorry he continues to lie. You know it is what they do, so try not to take it personally. Honestly, I felt kind of sorry for him reading this post. The guy is obviously struggling to accept he really is powerless over it all. Gotta accept and embrace Step 1 if anything else in AA is going to make sense.
One day at a time, honeypig. Trust yourself.
~T
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I don't know what to tell you. When we started the recovery roller coaster, I was already exhausted. IME, "recovery" was different from drunk-all-day, but not any better. If anything it was worse with the lifted spirits contrasted with the burning disappointments and resulting resentments. Every time I started to feel safe in my marriage, the rug was ripped out from under me. The last ten months we were together, he was sober. It, too, wasn't any more satisfying. He had no sex drive, still didn't know how to communicate, still couldn't get his life together. At some point he relapsed again and, as per my well-exercised boundary, he left until he could get his **** together. This was the time he was supposed to spend on getting counseling, attending AA, really spending time on his recovery. That's what he told me.
This last time I made him leave was different, though. I changed the locks on the doors and told him he wouldn't be coming back until I had the time and space to really make up my mind. We were separated over the holidays, which we really didn't spend much together.
Sometime this spring, I was feeling soft-hearted and missing him, and I agreed that we could see a marriage counselor to decide how to proceed. Literally the day before we went into the marriage counselor, he lost his job for extremely vague reasons. The first red flag was up. Then it became clear in the ONE counseling session that he had never attended counseling and had stopped going to AA to "concentrate on his new job," the one he'd just lost. Second red flag. The third red flag was a couple of months later with this latest rehab fiasco -- the fourth rehab he'd attended in the last two years -- and I filed for divorce.
He'd taken me off the contact list so I wouldn't know what kind of treatment he was getting. See, he'd been telling me he was sober the whole time. Rehab this time was just a refresher course to help him "maintain" sobriety. HA!
So that was my year. I waited a year to see how I felt, who he would be when sober, and what I wanted to do in my marriage. It was easily one of the worst years of my life. On the other hand, in hindsight, I feel like I needed to do it to know, to feel it in my bones, and to surrender the fight to "get" him sober. YMMV.
This last time I made him leave was different, though. I changed the locks on the doors and told him he wouldn't be coming back until I had the time and space to really make up my mind. We were separated over the holidays, which we really didn't spend much together.
Sometime this spring, I was feeling soft-hearted and missing him, and I agreed that we could see a marriage counselor to decide how to proceed. Literally the day before we went into the marriage counselor, he lost his job for extremely vague reasons. The first red flag was up. Then it became clear in the ONE counseling session that he had never attended counseling and had stopped going to AA to "concentrate on his new job," the one he'd just lost. Second red flag. The third red flag was a couple of months later with this latest rehab fiasco -- the fourth rehab he'd attended in the last two years -- and I filed for divorce.
He'd taken me off the contact list so I wouldn't know what kind of treatment he was getting. See, he'd been telling me he was sober the whole time. Rehab this time was just a refresher course to help him "maintain" sobriety. HA!
So that was my year. I waited a year to see how I felt, who he would be when sober, and what I wanted to do in my marriage. It was easily one of the worst years of my life. On the other hand, in hindsight, I feel like I needed to do it to know, to feel it in my bones, and to surrender the fight to "get" him sober. YMMV.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 236
Originally Posted by honeypig 
Does it make sense for me to wait? We have no debt, we are clear on who gets what. Do I just start the proceedings (pro se, no lawyer needed) and deal w/the fallout? What will it change if I do it now versus waiting? I guess I’m not even sure if I’d insist that he leave right away, would be willing to have some sort of agreement put on paper stating his rights and responsibilities, and that I can request that he move out at any time w/30 days notice or the like (I have financial concerns, a long driveway to shovel, an old dog I can't leave alone for more than about 3 hours tops). Is THAT incredibly stupid? If I’m not willing to live w/an active AH, why would I be willing to live w/an active A roommate? Am I just reacting here? Is this all just b/c I’m feeling hurt? Do I just need to focus even more on me?
I'm not sure if I'm the best one for dolling out advice at this moment, but, here goes. Waiting, only you can decide when you've waited long enough. I'm in that same boat, do I stay and go later or do I go now. The writting for me is on the wall that I will have to go it's just a matter of when. You'll have fall out no matter which decision you make, if you stay you deal with him continuing to lie and drink. If you go, or make him leave, you deal with that fall out. So which one is more barable and will make you happier in the end? Why would you live with a roomie who is an active A? Well, why do you live with a husband who is an active A? Because you love them and care for them and want to make sure they're safe. It's a touch decision, at least for me, because I don't want him to end up homeless but its not my life choices that got him to that point.....I think you are indeed feeling hurt and betrayed and those feelings always make us feel like we are never going to allow our A's to make us feel that way again so the best way to do that is to remove them from the equation and move on. YES, you absolutely need to focus on yourself more. When you think you've focused enough, focus some more.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm so sorry, honeypig. I COMPLETELY understand your disappointment.
I guess what it comes down to is how much this will eat at you--the never knowing for sure. I don't know that filing and then staying together makes much sense. Have you talked to a lawyer? I don't know that an "agreement" that he would move out on 30 days notice would be enforceable. My own feeling is that unless you NEED to stay in the same house pending divorce (I did it for several months with my first husband because of his schedule and childcare issues--though I was the one leaving and I told him that I would stay PROVIDED he did not make it too uncomfortable for me), then just making the break makes the most sense. Gives you both a chance to move on with your lives instead of living in some artificial roommate situation.
I would talk to a lawyer to get some info, but maybe let it sit for a bit. Right now you are reacting to your (understandable) disappointment. I do think it's best if he focuses all his recovery efforts in AA for right now. Other recovery ideas can always be added later, but sometimes it is best to do AA as an all-or-nothing proposition at least until on solid ground. It can be confusing or distracting to have too many ideas floating in your head when you are dealing with a life-or-death thing like alcoholism, and if you happen to be one of those people for whom AA was designed (the ones who can't do it any other way). And it sounds like he may be in that category.
Hugs,
I guess what it comes down to is how much this will eat at you--the never knowing for sure. I don't know that filing and then staying together makes much sense. Have you talked to a lawyer? I don't know that an "agreement" that he would move out on 30 days notice would be enforceable. My own feeling is that unless you NEED to stay in the same house pending divorce (I did it for several months with my first husband because of his schedule and childcare issues--though I was the one leaving and I told him that I would stay PROVIDED he did not make it too uncomfortable for me), then just making the break makes the most sense. Gives you both a chance to move on with your lives instead of living in some artificial roommate situation.
I would talk to a lawyer to get some info, but maybe let it sit for a bit. Right now you are reacting to your (understandable) disappointment. I do think it's best if he focuses all his recovery efforts in AA for right now. Other recovery ideas can always be added later, but sometimes it is best to do AA as an all-or-nothing proposition at least until on solid ground. It can be confusing or distracting to have too many ideas floating in your head when you are dealing with a life-or-death thing like alcoholism, and if you happen to be one of those people for whom AA was designed (the ones who can't do it any other way). And it sounds like he may be in that category.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Honeypig,
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know that feeling of finding out they have been drinking when you believe they've been sober. It's so bad, I haven't yet found the words to adequately describe it. "Disappointment" just doesn't do it.
I get the impression that you are really hurt and are reacting from that hurt place, instead of a centered place. Instead of getting the wheels in your head spinning out of control about things that might happen ten steps down the line, I would try to slow down and deal with this moment only.
I am unclear about the "Action" part of the 3 A's. I think for the moment you should forget about whether you are going to leave him or not, forget about the financial concerns, the driveway, and the beautiful Basset Hound (I adore those dogs BTW). All that stuff can be dealt with later--in a week, or a month.
For the moment, I would just try to work through this hurt and disappointment about finding out he was drinking again. Go to Al Anon and work your program. You know you will find comfort in the steps as well as from the people on SR. When you feel better, you can then work on figuring out what your boundaries are going to be regarding your AH and his drinking.
It isn't that I don't agree with taking action. I just think you need to take action from a strong place rather than a hurt place. In my life, I do better when I break things down into pieces.
You could also pick up a book on Buddhism.. Have you read "The Buddha Brain"? I have not but keep hearing it is wonderful. Try to look at this latest incident with a Buddha brain (as an opportunity for growth, etc.)
I don't know what else to say Honeypig. Take what you want and leave the rest. Hugs!!!!
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know that feeling of finding out they have been drinking when you believe they've been sober. It's so bad, I haven't yet found the words to adequately describe it. "Disappointment" just doesn't do it.
I get the impression that you are really hurt and are reacting from that hurt place, instead of a centered place. Instead of getting the wheels in your head spinning out of control about things that might happen ten steps down the line, I would try to slow down and deal with this moment only.
I am unclear about the "Action" part of the 3 A's. I think for the moment you should forget about whether you are going to leave him or not, forget about the financial concerns, the driveway, and the beautiful Basset Hound (I adore those dogs BTW). All that stuff can be dealt with later--in a week, or a month.
For the moment, I would just try to work through this hurt and disappointment about finding out he was drinking again. Go to Al Anon and work your program. You know you will find comfort in the steps as well as from the people on SR. When you feel better, you can then work on figuring out what your boundaries are going to be regarding your AH and his drinking.
It isn't that I don't agree with taking action. I just think you need to take action from a strong place rather than a hurt place. In my life, I do better when I break things down into pieces.
You could also pick up a book on Buddhism.. Have you read "The Buddha Brain"? I have not but keep hearing it is wonderful. Try to look at this latest incident with a Buddha brain (as an opportunity for growth, etc.)
I don't know what else to say Honeypig. Take what you want and leave the rest. Hugs!!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity
Yikes. I just realized I gave you the opposite advice to everyone else.
Unless someone is in danger--physically or emotionally or financially--there is no rush about these things.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity
Yikes. I just realized I gave you the opposite advice to everyone else.
Thanks so much to all of you for your wisdom, time and kindness. I'll be reading and processing throughout the day. Off to the CSA farm for a few hours to wash lettuce and beets--THAT should help to clear my head too!
((((HUGS)))) to all!
ETA: Lexie, your "produce emergency" post made me laugh really hard, seeing as I'm off to deal w/some produce of my own here!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 236
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Oh, and keep an eye out for those produce emergencies. Today it's lettuce, tomorrow it might be avocados.
Today it's lettuce, tomorrow it might be avocados.Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Honeypig that level of deception, lying coupled with the amount of time it spans is definitely a deafening kick in the gut.
We all have our unique way of making decisions on difficult subjects. Once you have had a breather how about taking some white paper and drawing a timeline of your years and highlight how things went and how you felt. Also on another sheet list out what you want out of life regardless of the AH. Anything goes!
Then ask yourself if the path you have been on, the "timeline" leads you to what you now want out of life. If it's a no well then how do we change our path to end up where we want to be and get what we want?
I'm sure you have had tons of light-bulb moments, and "i can't do this anymore moments". I would put those aside in your case for now and focus on what is going to make your future self happy.
Just an idea.
We all have our unique way of making decisions on difficult subjects. Once you have had a breather how about taking some white paper and drawing a timeline of your years and highlight how things went and how you felt. Also on another sheet list out what you want out of life regardless of the AH. Anything goes!
Then ask yourself if the path you have been on, the "timeline" leads you to what you now want out of life. If it's a no well then how do we change our path to end up where we want to be and get what we want?
I'm sure you have had tons of light-bulb moments, and "i can't do this anymore moments". I would put those aside in your case for now and focus on what is going to make your future self happy.
Just an idea.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 73
Honeypig, I am so sorry for what you are going thru. No one can TELL you what to do. Only YOU can make decisions for yourself. If you are ready to make a change and not be married to an alcoholic anymore (as I am) then only you know that. I fully support you.My husband is the same way. Gotta go get cigarettes (theres a carton in the cabinet). Gotta go get milk (theres 2 gallons in the fridge) and on and on and on. The lying, sneaking around, hiding alcohol (they think its hidden) never stops. at least in my experiences. I do love my husband, but i must wonder that if he ever loved me, why would he have put me thru what he has and continue to do so? Unfortunantly in life, sometimes things come along that we absolutely can not handle either physically or mentally. Its then we must make a decision to make a change. As I have. Its never easy. Had i known him better 3 yrs ago-id still be running too. I cant tell you what is right for you, but you must think of yourself and thats not being selfish. its survival. of course you are feeling hurt and disappointment. you've been let down yet again. until an alcohol is ready and willing to change, they wont. only you can change things for yourself and a better life for you. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Oh, (((((((honeypig)))))))....
First, I'm so very sorry. I too would be whirling with so many emotions and thoughts. The devastation you feel comes through in your writing. I wish there were something I could say that would magically stop the pain.
I agree with those saying basically to let your thoughts and feelings settle a bit before you decide exactly what to do and how to do it.
I know it must feel so...Ugh, just so awful to find that something was a facade. To begin to put yourself out there, let your guard down...what a slap in the face it must feel like.
You are strong. You will make it through this. And like you said, you can always be here.
Is it possible to do something nice for yourself, something you enjoy that is relaxing to you? I really hope so. I know that's not going to make your pain disappear, but, it might help to center you and relieve some of the stress you must be carrying.
Take good care of yourself.
First, I'm so very sorry. I too would be whirling with so many emotions and thoughts. The devastation you feel comes through in your writing. I wish there were something I could say that would magically stop the pain.
I agree with those saying basically to let your thoughts and feelings settle a bit before you decide exactly what to do and how to do it.
I know it must feel so...Ugh, just so awful to find that something was a facade. To begin to put yourself out there, let your guard down...what a slap in the face it must feel like.
You are strong. You will make it through this. And like you said, you can always be here.
Is it possible to do something nice for yourself, something you enjoy that is relaxing to you? I really hope so. I know that's not going to make your pain disappear, but, it might help to center you and relieve some of the stress you must be carrying.
Take good care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Thank you all so very, very much for the time, effort and wisdom you put into reading my post and replying. The community here will never cease to amaze me!
I feel better after 4 hours up to my elbows in freezing cold water with lettuce, beets, chard and sugar snap peas (there was a suspiciously high rate of shrinkage in the sugar snap pea department, and I probably weighed at least a pound more going home than I did when I came in!). Time and perspective are oh so valuable, as many of you said. Just doing something else and getting out of your head helps. Also, I ride to and from the farm w/a gal who lives near me, and today, talking about something completely else, she said "well, I never make a plan, b/c if I don't have a plan, then I can't be disappointed when it doesn't work out." It seemed to me there was something in that for me...
Hub is off to his Friday night meeting and then to his model airplane club meeting after that (so far as I know). I'm glad to have some time and space tonight. I plan to go to the local high school pool for a swim, which I don't do often, and then to a meeting very near there. Doing my best to back off, relax and trust that I'll be shown what to do or not do next if I can keep my mind and heart open.
Thanks again to all of you, so very very much--and all 3 hounds send their regards as well, along w/lots of nose smoodgies and globber.
I feel better after 4 hours up to my elbows in freezing cold water with lettuce, beets, chard and sugar snap peas (there was a suspiciously high rate of shrinkage in the sugar snap pea department, and I probably weighed at least a pound more going home than I did when I came in!). Time and perspective are oh so valuable, as many of you said. Just doing something else and getting out of your head helps. Also, I ride to and from the farm w/a gal who lives near me, and today, talking about something completely else, she said "well, I never make a plan, b/c if I don't have a plan, then I can't be disappointed when it doesn't work out." It seemed to me there was something in that for me...
Hub is off to his Friday night meeting and then to his model airplane club meeting after that (so far as I know). I'm glad to have some time and space tonight. I plan to go to the local high school pool for a swim, which I don't do often, and then to a meeting very near there. Doing my best to back off, relax and trust that I'll be shown what to do or not do next if I can keep my mind and heart open.
Thanks again to all of you, so very very much--and all 3 hounds send their regards as well, along w/lots of nose smoodgies and globber.
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