Hurt and Angry!

Old 07-12-2013, 07:31 AM
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Hurt and Angry!

Hi everyone!
I'm new to this forum, and what sparked my interest for support is that my sister was just released from prison yesterday. My sis has been an addict for the past 15 years now. I've tried to have a relationship with her, but to no avail. It has gotten to the point where I have so much animosity towards her I can't even stand being in the same room.
She has stolen from everyone in the family including my blind dying grandmother, used my name to get out of tickets (I had to file charges on her the last time due to me losing my license), neglected and ignored her children (both fathers now have custody), and so much more. Too many horrible crazy things to list. I think the hardest thing for me is the constant roller coaster of she's clean then she's using.
It's hard to have hope for her, but that's just what my mother wants me to have. My mother is her enabler. She picks her up every time she falls. She seems to think that it is her fault my sister is the way she is. She even admits that my sister is her burden that she will carry until she gets better or dies. This makes me sad. I know my relationship with my mother has suffered because of my sister. She has basically chosen her over me every time. She does not give me the same attention as her and I have to admit I am insanely jeleous of my sister. My father has told me that is not that my mom doesn't love me, but that I am not a problem that needs to be fixed therefore I do not need her attention. It hurts. My mom takes my sister's children every other weekend but she has only watched mine about 5 times (in over 5 years). I almost feel like I have to start beating my kids or something for her to want to see them. (I would never do that, don't worry!)
I guess my dilemma is really should I maintain a relationship with her now that she has gotten out of jail to keep my mom happy or do I leave my sister be until she has gotten a job, apartment, and stays clean now that she's out. Every time she gets out of jail I feel like everyone forgets why she was in there and we all have to rush to her side to help her get back on her feet. Yes, I know she's clean now... but that's because she was in jail. I don't know. Should I give her her fifty millionth chance or should I wait until she has proven she can be a useful member of society? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks guys.
Vanderbandit is offline  
Old 07-12-2013, 08:01 AM
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I have told my addicted brother that I will not be in his life, 100% no contact, unless he is living a clean life AND in a recovery program. He is such a negative person, even sober doesn't mean he is healthy to be around. So he is in jail now, clean because he is behind bars, but still manipulative and miserable to talk to, so I am still no contact. I have chosen to stay that way in order to put my health and balance first. Just because he is my brother does not give him the right use me.

My mother is not an enabler, she is too caught up in her own issues, but she puts those issues in front of me as well. I have put some distance between my mother and I because I used to get so upset when she was never there for me. I came to realize she was an addict (functioning alcoholic), she was selfish, she just doesn't have the capacity at this time to make me a priority at all (and at this point I never see that changing). Rather then get angry at her not including me in her life or being concerned about me, I have kept her at arms length and I just have no expectations anymore. Instead, I foster the healthy relationships in my life.

Sounds like your mother is co-dependent...it is her addiction.

It is your choice what boundaries you put in your life so that you can remain healthy and happy.
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Old 07-12-2013, 08:09 AM
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Hi Van,
As hard as this sounds I would wait, sounds like you have beat yourself against the rock to many times already, my 64 year old father was just having the same conversation about my 83 year old grandmother and my dad's 55 year old brother, he is once again back at home with them and she is locking her door at night yet always has to bail him out, even after all the theft and abuse. We all understand that at her age we will never get her to see she is an enabler and sadly when she passes he will probably end up homeless or dead.

First thing I would do is pat yourself on the back, enjoy the fact you are not the burden your mother carries, try and have the best relationship you can with her, in our case we do not visit my grandparents when my uncle is there, and I do not bring up the topic anymore and I believe most of the family does not either. It is hard, and it sucks, and you want to grab your mom or grandma and say " Stop it" but I have found that reality is much like the user can not admit or see they can't help it anymore, an enabler this long and this deep can not see it either and they can't see that it is not their failure as a parent.

Enjoy your children and your life, if your mom is not open to therapy or al anon or the ideals of how she is enabling then all I can see you being able to do is picking the best moments possible to visit with her and make the best of what you got, but I would halt your sisters damage in your life for now, I know that is not easy, it breaks the heart and soul, but I believe you need to step back sooner rather than later before you hit the point of no return even if she does stay clean long term someday and you will not be able to reconcile even then because of to many disappointing chances you have given her. Stabilize yourself first, no matter how hard we try it seems the worry and angst we have for the A in our life will manifest in our daily lives and affect others around us, and in the mean time see what time hands you to work with is my opinion.

Stay strong, you probably heard this before, but you didn't cause this, you can not control this, and you surely can not cure this! I am sure everyone on here wish they could though, because it sure isn't easy on anyone. I wish you the best on everyone's journey in your life.
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Old 07-12-2013, 10:42 AM
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I feel like I could have written a lot of your post. I have the same situation: my sister is a heroin addict, my mother enables her to continue using and at this point spends the entirety of her life completely enmeshed in my sisters ongoing drug-related drama. My mother also pays little attention to me. How could she? She is completely consumed by my sister. Whether it's bailing her out, getting her cars to use or retrieving cars from impound, making excuses about why she can't ever get or keep any job ever (even in an industry that is extremely felony-friendly), court appearances, complaining about how the system is out to get them, and on and on and on. It never stops. When I first came here I was at the point where my anger at both of them was having a visible negative impact on my life and my personal relationships. Anytime I engage with them I always end up feeling worse, so I have had to limit my contact not only with my sister (who basically rarely contacts me at this point once I stopped helping her out of her various consequences), but also with my mother.

It hurts to not have as good of a relationship with her, but what I am starting to accept is that our relationship wasn't ever that great to start with because it always revolved around my sister's actions and chaos. At first I tried to maintain the same rate of communication with my mom and just not continue the conversation when my sister came up, but it turns out almost everything she has to say is about my sister or situations that are a direct or indirect result of my sister's actions. So I have started to limit my contact with my mother. It was really hard at first to greatly reduce my contact with her, and it still is, but almost immediately I began to feel better about myself, my life direction, and where I'm at. I'm spending way less time worrying and investigating and stalking my family online, etc. and much more time fostering relationships with people in my life that are healthy and make me feel healthy and good about myself.

This went on much longer than expected, but basically I encourage you to allow your sister to make the decisions she makes without getting involved, but also to pay attention to how you feel when you engage with your mother, as well. Just as your sister will continue her path as she sees fit, so too will your mother. Your job is to make sure that you and your kids are okay regardless of whether either of them chooses recovery or not.

Keep posting and reading here, it really does help. I'm sorry that you're in this situation, but you're not alone anymore.
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