Hello, new and dealing with divorce
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Phoenix, #+
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Hello, new and dealing with divorce
Hello, i am new to SR. I want to introduce myself and my situation. I have married to my AH for 13 years. We have 2 school age children. I filed for divorce last week, served him papers.on.Friday. he has 2 DUI's, and was driving drunk on the weekends again, verbally abusivee, all the typical behavior. We had separated and reconciled 7 years ago. I tried to talk to him but he didn't want to deal with it. Well, he is.devastated . He cried, yelled, and. finally talked. Apparently his occasional marijuana use became a daily addiction. So this is where we are at: Iam proceeding with the divorce but he can stay in the house with me and the kids as long as he is sober and not using. But he wants to do it on his own, he has been to AA and hated it. I think it will be very hard for him without some type of AA or counseling. I feel Iam just putting off the inevitable. Please share any opinions, comments, advice or similiar experiences. Thank.you,Pandora
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Welcome, glad you are here.
You will find amazing support here.
IMHO, him remaining in the house while the divorce proceeds = recipe for disaster. Not to mention, you allowing him to stay, does not allow him the consequences of his actions, again just my opinion.
Are you serious about this divorce? or is this an ultimatum tactic?
how long do you really think he will remain sober and not use?
Alcoholism does not have an on/off switch............ it's all or nothing. He either chooses recovery for himself, or he is going to drink, and if you said no drinking, chances are he will be sneaking it behind your back.
Take care of you and your kids, he is a grown adult, he has to figure this out for himself.
You will find amazing support here.
IMHO, him remaining in the house while the divorce proceeds = recipe for disaster. Not to mention, you allowing him to stay, does not allow him the consequences of his actions, again just my opinion.
Are you serious about this divorce? or is this an ultimatum tactic?
how long do you really think he will remain sober and not use?
Alcoholism does not have an on/off switch............ it's all or nothing. He either chooses recovery for himself, or he is going to drink, and if you said no drinking, chances are he will be sneaking it behind your back.
Take care of you and your kids, he is a grown adult, he has to figure this out for himself.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Phoenix, #+
Posts: 5
MARIE1960 everything you said is true. I don't have a lot of faith that he will stay sober. I'm letting stay out of guilt: he has no place to go really, he says being apart from the kids will kill him, the kids are upset, he stood by me when I had cancer, I want to keep the family together. Co-dependency, I suppose. I AM going through with the divorce, and if he stays it will be on my terms. Which in this case clean and sober. It is probably inevitable he will drink again, but then I can tell him to leave knowing I gave him support to get sober.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Big hugs to you, pandora,
I am very sorry he is guilt tripping you. Guilt does not or cannot cure this disease.
I would allow him the dignity to address his own problems.
If you truly want change it has to begin with you.
It's going to be rough, ( for a little while) but YOU did not cause this, HE did.
Oh, and to use the 'it will kill me to be apart from my kids" sorry, but he is using his children here, and that makes me just cringe.
You and your kids deserve to live in a drug free home. In peace, and love.
Be strong, my friend
I am very sorry he is guilt tripping you. Guilt does not or cannot cure this disease.
I would allow him the dignity to address his own problems.
If you truly want change it has to begin with you.
It's going to be rough, ( for a little while) but YOU did not cause this, HE did.
Oh, and to use the 'it will kill me to be apart from my kids" sorry, but he is using his children here, and that makes me just cringe.
You and your kids deserve to live in a drug free home. In peace, and love.
Be strong, my friend
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed. This is a wonderful resource of support.
I have learned a lot from hearing and reading others experiences while dealing with a loved ones addiction. I hear others stories of how they are coping by attending local Alanon meetings. I read about others experience, strength and hope by reading the current threads on this forum; as well as reading the older, permanent posts at the top of this main page.
The permanent posts at the top are called the Sticky Posts. They contain some of our stories. I always find encouragement in reading there.
Here is a link to my favorite sticky posts. Following the steps listed in this post helped me when I was living with my alcoholic husband:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed. This is a wonderful resource of support.
I have learned a lot from hearing and reading others experiences while dealing with a loved ones addiction. I hear others stories of how they are coping by attending local Alanon meetings. I read about others experience, strength and hope by reading the current threads on this forum; as well as reading the older, permanent posts at the top of this main page.
The permanent posts at the top are called the Sticky Posts. They contain some of our stories. I always find encouragement in reading there.
Here is a link to my favorite sticky posts. Following the steps listed in this post helped me when I was living with my alcoholic husband:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR. Ok, I have to ask rather bluntly...why set a strong boundary and then allow him no natural consequences for violating it?
So what is the consequence? He gets to have everything he had before EXCEPT a legally binding contract with you? I don't understand how this has any cause/effect lesson at all.
As a matter of fact. I'd caution you from removing that legal requirement and responsibility if you intend to allow him to continue living in the home. That may not be to your best interests.
Iam proceeding with the divorce but he can stay in the house with me and the kids as long as he is sober and not using
As a matter of fact. I'd caution you from removing that legal requirement and responsibility if you intend to allow him to continue living in the home. That may not be to your best interests.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Phoenix, #+
Posts: 5
I have money for a lawyer and he doesn't. My lawyer said I would be awarded full custody of our kids, the house and child support. If I get the divorce I would get these legally. My idea is he can stay but as long as Ilet him. But really, logically, I know I need to get him out so we can both move on. I'm working on that...need to let go og the guilt and pity.
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Pandora,
I completely understand about the guilt. But please think about something. If he messes up and you allow your school age children to be around a pot smoker or alcoholic you should feel guilt about that. All your family members should rank equally, the needs of you kids to be in a healthy home not around drugs or drinking should be a priority also.
It is ok to chose the kids.
I am saying this with kindness,
4MyBoys
I completely understand about the guilt. But please think about something. If he messes up and you allow your school age children to be around a pot smoker or alcoholic you should feel guilt about that. All your family members should rank equally, the needs of you kids to be in a healthy home not around drugs or drinking should be a priority also.
It is ok to chose the kids.
I am saying this with kindness,
4MyBoys
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by pandoraxxx 
My idea is he can stay but as long as Ilet him. But really, logically, I know I need to get him out so we can both move on. I'm working on that...need to let go og the guilt and pity.
You want a sober husband, I get that. But threatening divorce and then not following through on it - all the way - shows him he can still get away with the very behaviors you say you don't want.
And feeling guilty - I think guilt is not the right word here. Guilt is what we should feel when we have done something wrong. Maybe instead what you feel is great sadness that you are in this position to begin with. Despair is also a good word. But guilt? Standing up for yourself and your kids should not make you feel guilty at all.
Pity is normal. You are watching him teeter on the edge of losing this life. That is sad. But don't let pity cloud good judgment. And don't forget that this very natural consequence of his choices may be a catalyst for change at some point.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Phoenix, #+
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Ok so I have thought about it. I asked him to go to think about AA and or counseling today and he said no. so the best thing I could do is give him until the end of August to find a place, proceed with the divorce, and support him in sobriety for the sake of the kids. I tried AlAnon once, I am going to go back.
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