rry1177

I come in from work early, and he's snoring away. I didn't b*tch about it. I didn't even mention it. Did I do the right thing?

He's been drinking every day. Last night he fell asleep in the computer chair all night. I didn't say anything. I am feeling my neck getting hot so Im about to go to the store or something.

LexieCat

What would be the result of your mentioning it? An argument? So what would that do for your evening?

When he wakes up, he will know he was asleep. You don't need to mention it.

27cougar

Agree with LexieCat. Go to the store if you want, do whatever YOU want to do, and take care of yourself!

Hammer

Detaching will let him sleep and leave you in peace.

Detaching with Love may cause you to bring him a pillow and blanket.

Most days I can only manage the detaching part.

Maybe someday I / you / we all can manage the With Love part, as well.

Recovering2

Yep, let him sleep. I wouldn't make it any more comfortable for him by adding a blanket or pillow, but that's me. I've got detachment down....the loving detachment, not so much. Go enjoy your afternoon.

ZenMe

I'm not sure detachment with love is bringing a pillow and blanket. Isn't it more like detaching out of choice and responsibility to oneself vs an emotional shock detachment?

LexieCat

Yeah, I think "detachment with love" is just as opposed to detachment with hatefulness. IOW, not giving someone the "silent treatment" to punish them, but rather walking away/not engaging for your own mental health and well-being.

POAndrea

I kinda like it when he is just sleeping in the chair when I come home. No threats, name-calling, falling down, breaking things and bleeding all over the house...... I can get all kinds of things done on those evenings.

ZenMe

It would be nice to have more of those evenings wouldn't it?

firebolt

Is detachment with humor ok?

That black sharpie mustache while hes passed out on the couch makes it much easier for me to detach..it just does.

grizz

Shhhh, be vewy vewy quiet

Debrawalls

I'm ne w to this website...browsing through and found your post. I too am married to a person who drinks. It's been 25 years. I come home from work and he is either sleeping, or all of the above! I'm tired. I work all day and don't feel it's fair or right that this is what I have to come home to. He has a daeath wish and I'm involved.

Hammer

Hey Debra, welcome.

Hammer

The blanket is just a common line from some Alanon rooms.

Either way, the goal is not "fix" things and drag them to bed.

Like I say, aint a lot of love to be found in these situations, anyway.

BlueSkies1

Me...I'd be thinking there he goes, out again. Pillow and blanket? Sure, why not, nothing wrong with a little reminder when he comes to that I care for him.
A little disgusted. Not at him like a character assault, but that he keeps doing this to himself, over and over and over again, and there's no knowing why from my pov.
Then off I go to do whatever I'd like to be doing.

JustanotherWOA

Not so sure if I agree with this detachment thing. Seems to me, he is getting off way too easy. No doubt, he is not fulfilling his responsibilities in the home. I would tell him how disappointed I am in his behaviour. We have a right to be angry and express how we are affected by their bad choices and behaviour.

LexieCat

Sure, we have the "right," but it tends to amount to cutting off our noses to spite our faces. Most of us find that berating the alcoholic for typical alcoholic behavior (a) does no good whatsoever, (b) causes our own blood pressure to go through the roof, and (c) just gives the alcoholic another excuse for drinking. At best a waste of breath.

JustanotherWOA

Yes, Lexie. I get where you are coming from. Although in my experience, there is no shortage of excuses for an alcoholic to drink.

I am learning. I know that I could not successfully detach with his active drinking at home, nor do I think I want to. It took me some time, but I finally served him with divorce papers and that was my definitive way of detaching.

PippiLngstockng

I didn't go for detachment so much, either. Once I got to Al Anon and heard about detachment, i was so freaked by AH's recent behaviors already that I was just about done with him altogether. First al anon meeting in July, kept him out of the family home permanently since October, legal separation in February, and looking forward to divorce.

I am astounded by people living with an active alcoholic at all, let alone having the mental discipline to detach. Then again, I was married to my AH for a good 18 years! I can't believe that I used to walk in on him drinking in the pantry and rush out not saying a thing or even thinking much about it. Crazy!

OhBoy

I used to feel relief when XAW was passed out when I got home, then I got me time early! There was the initial thought of "way to go darling!" (insert MAJOR SARCASM) then I would realize I didn't have to deal with her, YAY for me! But thinking back I guess I didn't always feel that way. I guess I used to get really angry with her & let it spoil my mood. Then I got sick of it ruining my day so I stopped letting her alcoholic behavior dictate my life. Unfortunately it turned into ONLY alcoholic behavior. Or fortunately, depending on how you look at it.