41 days, work has just begun
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Nunyah, California
Posts: 132
41 days, work has just begun
I'm 39 years old and I'm currently going on 41 days of deliberate sobriety for probably the first time in my life since I was 14. My pattern was to drink daily and heavily (although never getting drunk - I was a "buzz" addict), and then to intermittently and infrequently binge on other things (vicodin when my doctor would prescribe it to me, pseudofed to stay awake, pot when I had it - I never bought it).... on top of it all was a monster caffeine habit (6-8 cups per day).
I'm married and have been with my wife for the past 17 years. She's 6.5 years sober herself and has restarted working her recovery program since I got myself sick on drugs, hospitalized, and followed by a stint in rehab (all firsts for me). Complicating things is her mom is an active alcoholic and continues to drunk dial her intermittently, something she's done for years.
Roller coaster with my wife. At first she was glad I was home, scared, nervous, but affectionate and appreciative I was back. Then she was angry, furious, resentful, talked of divorce. Now she's back to affectionate and loving again, but guarded. It's like there's something different every day.
And of course I'm like a boat bobbing in the waves that can't quite straighten itself out. I'm currently struggling with living life sober, and it's a struggle. My emotions seem on edge a lot, I seem to be even more obsessed with s*x than before (and my wife is even less interested than before, at least for now), and I just don't know what to do.
On balance, I have two beautiful young children who can only benefit from my sobriety now. My wife is very smart, talented, and capable (and extremely attractive). She's willing to stay with me and try to work things out, she wants to do this journey with me. We're both employed and professionals. I have supportive parents. Life could be a lot worse.
So there's my story in as brief a nutshell as possible.
I'm married and have been with my wife for the past 17 years. She's 6.5 years sober herself and has restarted working her recovery program since I got myself sick on drugs, hospitalized, and followed by a stint in rehab (all firsts for me). Complicating things is her mom is an active alcoholic and continues to drunk dial her intermittently, something she's done for years.
Roller coaster with my wife. At first she was glad I was home, scared, nervous, but affectionate and appreciative I was back. Then she was angry, furious, resentful, talked of divorce. Now she's back to affectionate and loving again, but guarded. It's like there's something different every day.
And of course I'm like a boat bobbing in the waves that can't quite straighten itself out. I'm currently struggling with living life sober, and it's a struggle. My emotions seem on edge a lot, I seem to be even more obsessed with s*x than before (and my wife is even less interested than before, at least for now), and I just don't know what to do.
On balance, I have two beautiful young children who can only benefit from my sobriety now. My wife is very smart, talented, and capable (and extremely attractive). She's willing to stay with me and try to work things out, she wants to do this journey with me. We're both employed and professionals. I have supportive parents. Life could be a lot worse.
So there's my story in as brief a nutshell as possible.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: canada
Posts: 44
Congrats on you great run of sobriety.
It's yet be tough to have a wife that has such a great stretch (tough for her and you to compare) but seems like the support is there, and once sober becomes the "norm" I am sure you can likely start to lean on her a bit more for help.
But congrats and good luck
It's yet be tough to have a wife that has such a great stretch (tough for her and you to compare) but seems like the support is there, and once sober becomes the "norm" I am sure you can likely start to lean on her a bit more for help.
But congrats and good luck
to SR and congrats on your sober time!
That's a great beginning to a better life. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Warwickshire
Posts: 32
I swapped my knowledge on whiskey to loose leaf tea culture and brewing. Much better than coffee and keeps the stress levels under control.
Keep working the way you are and you will find a way with your wife to work through it all. Trust is a big thing. Over time this recovers too. Good luck.
Keep working the way you are and you will find a way with your wife to work through it all. Trust is a big thing. Over time this recovers too. Good luck.
Faith and reason
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London
Posts: 941
Welcome to SR and well done on 41 days! I know this won't solve all your problems but has your wife tried going to Al-Anon? That might be helpful in terms of her relationships with both you and her mother.
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,166
Welcome doc, I feel that maybe you need joint counselling. Your wife is dealing with a lot of strong emotions regarding your addictions ( one of which could well be jealousy that you have been indulging your addiction whilst she has had to deny hers for the sake of the family) I would suggest taking a step back from an active relationship, and start getting to know ( and trust) each other. Whilst your intent is obvious, this is early days yet and your wife needs time to really believe and trust that you will maintain your sobriety. What steps are you actively taking to do this?
I'm sure that your wife does not want to end a long marriage with children involved, but it will take work from both sides and time. Be patient and give her space, let her come to you for physical comfort.
I'm sure that your wife does not want to end a long marriage with children involved, but it will take work from both sides and time. Be patient and give her space, let her come to you for physical comfort.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
Hi and congratulations for starting to get honest with YOURSELF and your 41 days. As stated "work has just begun" has meant to me ON me. It's far from reading a book or attending a few meetings and pretend to ourselves we got it together, it's a never ending education and practice process. Many want only the softer route and life might be ok if we don't drink or stay dry. We have choices. BE WELL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Nunyah, California
Posts: 132
I like to hear from more experienced folks: "it gets easier." So if anyone wants to chime in with some of that, I wouldn't mind at all. 
I don't really have a problem with staying off drugs, etoh, and compulsive behaviors at this point (I had a problem with gambling and porn also - although that was mostly years ago). Life is clearly much simpler for me without these things in my life. It's the coping with life on its own terms that's a challenge right now. I am optimistic that things will get better though.
I don't really have a problem with staying off drugs, etoh, and compulsive behaviors at this point (I had a problem with gambling and porn also - although that was mostly years ago). Life is clearly much simpler for me without these things in my life. It's the coping with life on its own terms that's a challenge right now. I am optimistic that things will get better though.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Nunyah, California
Posts: 132
Originally Posted by tootsl1 
Welcome doc, I feel that maybe you need joint counselling. Your wife is dealing with a lot of strong emotions regarding your addictions ( one of which could well be jealousy that you have been indulging your addiction whilst she has had to deny hers for the sake of the family)
Originally Posted by tootsl1
I would suggest taking a step back from an active relationship, and start getting to know ( and trust) each other. Whilst your intent is obvious, this is early days yet and your wife needs time to really believe and trust that you will maintain your sobriety. What steps are you actively taking to do this?
What am I doing to win her trust? I can't think of anything else besides doing meetings and recovery stuff (2-3 f2f LifeRing meetings per week, plus chat meetings), therapy, and just trying to continue to be a helpful husband.
Originally Posted by tootsl1
I'm sure that your wife does not want to end a long marriage with children involved, but it will take work from both sides and time. Be patient and give her space, let her come to you for physical comfort.
Maybe I should bring this up in the men's room.
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,166
It wouldn't hurt to speak to other men in the same boat, but it also helps immensely to get a womans perspective. My exh was an alcoholic and was very pushy, feeling 'no was a negotiating point and would wear me down. I hated his unclean drunken smell and his demands, and found it put me off completely, women like romance, not just action! My own drinking meant that I would rather stay up late sneaking extra alcohol, than curled up with my lovely hubby. Tonight it is a gyp knee keeping my up on SR instead of in bed!
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Hey Doc!
If you remove the drugs and a few other details your story and mine ring similar. I was never a drunk but became addicted from drinking to buzz then backing down. Then I retired again and started drinking two beers an hour from noon to midnight or later as my beverage of choice. Added some wine to cut the yeasty mouth, and would also drink some mixed drinks. My tolerance crept up over a couple of years to where I woke up shaking so badly I had to get a shot or three of my wife's scotch in my coffee to be normal. I thought I was a "functional" alcoholic? No trouble with the law, no limbic disconnect, even family never saw me drunk or slur except when I was much younger and partied occasionally when in the military.
I was puking and knew it was going to kill me soon. I was Lao smoking three packs of cigarettes a day, and about ten cups of coffee a day.
I could not quit and finally did a week long in hospital medical detox and follow on rehab for 28 days. I quit rehab, joined here and later AA for about three months, did counseling and had great family support.
I had terrible PAWS. It took three months for me to not think it was safer to go back to drinking. At six months I thought I was over it and it was much better. It was but in the next year it was much better in subtle ways.
I am coming up in two months on three years sober. For me. It is only now becoming apparent that I really am healing emotionally and in dealing with life. My feelings are appropriate and I accept that feelings cannot be controlled, only how I act them out is in my control. That is freeing to choose and act, instead of reacting as I always did which was not satisfying but was predictable.
I am getting stronger as I accept my weakness and take it with a grain of salt.
It is only with time that you feel the changes that are needed. If survival was all it was about I would be back to drinking. Joy, and looking forward to tomorrow as a new horizon to be lived.
Crap! Sounds like a bunch of platitudes. Simply put the subtle changes are the most encompassing and take a lot of time to manifest in a lifelong drinker like me. Getting by isn't functional. Living comfortably still or moving. I guess it is that serenity is no fun until you are serene enough to enjoy it. It comes with time as it does indeed get better and better if you do.
If you remove the drugs and a few other details your story and mine ring similar. I was never a drunk but became addicted from drinking to buzz then backing down. Then I retired again and started drinking two beers an hour from noon to midnight or later as my beverage of choice. Added some wine to cut the yeasty mouth, and would also drink some mixed drinks. My tolerance crept up over a couple of years to where I woke up shaking so badly I had to get a shot or three of my wife's scotch in my coffee to be normal. I thought I was a "functional" alcoholic? No trouble with the law, no limbic disconnect, even family never saw me drunk or slur except when I was much younger and partied occasionally when in the military.
I was puking and knew it was going to kill me soon. I was Lao smoking three packs of cigarettes a day, and about ten cups of coffee a day.
I could not quit and finally did a week long in hospital medical detox and follow on rehab for 28 days. I quit rehab, joined here and later AA for about three months, did counseling and had great family support.
I had terrible PAWS. It took three months for me to not think it was safer to go back to drinking. At six months I thought I was over it and it was much better. It was but in the next year it was much better in subtle ways.
I am coming up in two months on three years sober. For me. It is only now becoming apparent that I really am healing emotionally and in dealing with life. My feelings are appropriate and I accept that feelings cannot be controlled, only how I act them out is in my control. That is freeing to choose and act, instead of reacting as I always did which was not satisfying but was predictable.
I am getting stronger as I accept my weakness and take it with a grain of salt.
It is only with time that you feel the changes that are needed. If survival was all it was about I would be back to drinking. Joy, and looking forward to tomorrow as a new horizon to be lived.
Crap! Sounds like a bunch of platitudes. Simply put the subtle changes are the most encompassing and take a lot of time to manifest in a lifelong drinker like me. Getting by isn't functional. Living comfortably still or moving. I guess it is that serenity is no fun until you are serene enough to enjoy it. It comes with time as it does indeed get better and better if you do.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Center of Mass
Posts: 622
Congratulations on 41 days!
For me, the key word in your post is "work". Staying sober has been a lot of work. I think that's why I failed so many times before. I thought it was just willpower. It's work and there's a lot of it! I'm just starting to see the benefits. Just the tip of the iceberg.
For me, the key word in your post is "work". Staying sober has been a lot of work. I think that's why I failed so many times before. I thought it was just willpower. It's work and there's a lot of it! I'm just starting to see the benefits. Just the tip of the iceberg.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Nunyah, California
Posts: 132
What is sexy? It might just be.... recovery.
Originally Posted by tootsl1
It wouldn't hurt to speak to other men in the same boat, but it also helps immensely to get a womans perspective. My exh was an alcoholic and was very pushy, feeling 'no was a negotiating point and would wear me down. I hated his unclean drunken smell and his demands, and found it put me off completely, women like romance, not just action! My own drinking meant that I would rather stay up late sneaking extra alcohol, than curled up with my lovely hubby. Tonight it is a gyp knee keeping my up on SR instead of in bed!
So I had a mediocre day at work, tired, felt draggy and a little down (also probably spent too much time here, but oh well). When I got home my wife was with the kids, I told her how I felt, and said, "I think I need to find a meeting tonight" (feeling a little guilty to just up and leave her with the kids alone). She looked at me and said, "that's a good idea. Why don't you?" So I went and looked up a LifeRing meeting that was starting in an hour, and then I went!
It turned out to be a great meeting - I felt a lot better when I got home. When I found her on the couch, relaxing, we chatted, cuddled, and smooched a bit. She told me she loved me. Then I asked her "do you think you'll ever feel sexy with your husband again?" She didn't hesitate and immediately said "yes," looking into my eyes. It was very gratifying.
She's upstairs getting ready for bed (no, I don't think I'll get lucky tonight). I just got this distinct feeling from my wife, and I think it was.... recovery is sexy!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: South Bay, So Cal
Posts: 6,122
Hi,
Welcome to SR, coming on this site each day is a nightly ritual for me. I quit drinking 8 months ago tomorrow. My husband is over 7 1/2 years sober now. Our son is over 4 1/2 years sober ( he's 21). We all are active members of AA/CA. I did not quit for my family obviously. I feel so relieved, grateful and happy to be sober myself. I have a Sponsor and just did my 5th Step with her. It feels so good to be awake and present . Nice to have you onboard.
:-D. Bobbi
Welcome to SR, coming on this site each day is a nightly ritual for me. I quit drinking 8 months ago tomorrow. My husband is over 7 1/2 years sober now. Our son is over 4 1/2 years sober ( he's 21). We all are active members of AA/CA. I did not quit for my family obviously. I feel so relieved, grateful and happy to be sober myself. I have a Sponsor and just did my 5th Step with her. It feels so good to be awake and present . Nice to have you onboard.
:-D. Bobbi
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