New and Living with an Alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 6
New and Living with an Alcoholic
Hi everyone,
My name is Ally, and I'm here to try and get some advice and support. I live with my common-law husband of 4 years, and he is an alcoholic. He's been drinking all day, every day, as long as I've known him. He doesn't always get drunk, but he needs to drink to feel normal. He always gets drunk however, when we are out doing something and it's his day off. It's like it's nobody else's day off but his. Recently, he tells me we are on thin ice because I've become a nagging wife, and I'm no longer his friend in life. I suppose he may be right, and from the reading I've been doing about alcoholism, the nagging, getting upset, and fighting does nothing but reinforce the drinking. He tells me all the time that I'm the reason he drinks. He recently met up with an old girlfriend to spite me, although he swears nothing happened. I'm 26 years old, and we have been talking about getting married and having children for a while now, but I can't do that while he's still in this state. He absolutely refuses to go to counselling or anything, and doesn't see why he needs to stop this BEFORE we try for children. He attributes the aches and pains he has to getting old (he celebrated his 30th birthday this weekend!) Basically what I'm hoping for is this: I need ways to help him and support him without nagging. I don't know what to say or do anymore. I love him so much and I don't want to watch him kill himself. Any advice as to how I can approach the situation differently than I have been doing would be appreciated more than you know! I also suffer from anxiety, and this whole uncertainty with us is really getting to me. Thank you!
My name is Ally, and I'm here to try and get some advice and support. I live with my common-law husband of 4 years, and he is an alcoholic. He's been drinking all day, every day, as long as I've known him. He doesn't always get drunk, but he needs to drink to feel normal. He always gets drunk however, when we are out doing something and it's his day off. It's like it's nobody else's day off but his. Recently, he tells me we are on thin ice because I've become a nagging wife, and I'm no longer his friend in life. I suppose he may be right, and from the reading I've been doing about alcoholism, the nagging, getting upset, and fighting does nothing but reinforce the drinking. He tells me all the time that I'm the reason he drinks. He recently met up with an old girlfriend to spite me, although he swears nothing happened. I'm 26 years old, and we have been talking about getting married and having children for a while now, but I can't do that while he's still in this state. He absolutely refuses to go to counselling or anything, and doesn't see why he needs to stop this BEFORE we try for children. He attributes the aches and pains he has to getting old (he celebrated his 30th birthday this weekend!) Basically what I'm hoping for is this: I need ways to help him and support him without nagging. I don't know what to say or do anymore. I love him so much and I don't want to watch him kill himself. Any advice as to how I can approach the situation differently than I have been doing would be appreciated more than you know! I also suffer from anxiety, and this whole uncertainty with us is really getting to me. Thank you!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi AllyKat 
let me assure you - it's not your fault he drinks, and two, it's not your job to save him - it's his...it needs to be his decision to want to change.
what you need to consider for yourself is what will be life be like 10 20 years from now if he doesn't change? are you up for that?
and...what about your help and your support in all this? aren't you entitled to that too?
I hope you'll visit our Family and Friends forums as well - maybe even check out real life support like AlAnon?
D
let me assure you - it's not your fault he drinks, and two, it's not your job to save him - it's his...it needs to be his decision to want to change.
what you need to consider for yourself is what will be life be like 10 20 years from now if he doesn't change? are you up for that?
and...what about your help and your support in all this? aren't you entitled to that too?
I hope you'll visit our Family and Friends forums as well - maybe even check out real life support like AlAnon?
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Dee is right: you didn't cause the problem and you can't fix it. Only he can fix it if he wants to. The only thing you can do is control how you react to him and set boundaries in your relationship. How much of this can you tolerate? Not very fair to you, is it?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1,133
You asked for advice, but the advice I want to give you may not seem supportive to you.
CUT YOUR LOSSES. Easy for me to say, I know. You've invested four years in this relationship but you're still so young and this guy has apparently given you zero indication that he's ready to change. And as others have said, as much as you might want it for him, he has to be the one to want to change. Many here would quite justifiably argue that you do not even know him, given that he has been drinking 24/7 since the day you met.
I know that isn't what you want to hear, but there it is.
There is a world of support here for you no matter what you decide to do!
CUT YOUR LOSSES. Easy for me to say, I know. You've invested four years in this relationship but you're still so young and this guy has apparently given you zero indication that he's ready to change. And as others have said, as much as you might want it for him, he has to be the one to want to change. Many here would quite justifiably argue that you do not even know him, given that he has been drinking 24/7 since the day you met.
I know that isn't what you want to hear, but there it is.
There is a world of support here for you no matter what you decide to do!
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by AllyKat420 
Hi everyone,
My name is Ally, and I'm here to try and get some advice and support. I live with my common-law husband of 4 years, and he is an alcoholic. He's been drinking all day, every day, as long as I've known him. He doesn't always get drunk, but he needs to drink to feel normal. He always gets drunk however, when we are out doing something and it's his day off. It's like it's nobody else's day off but his. Recently, he tells me we are on thin ice because I've become a nagging wife, and I'm no longer his friend in life. I suppose he may be right, and from the reading I've been doing about alcoholism, the nagging, getting upset, and fighting does nothing but reinforce the drinking. He tells me all the time that I'm the reason he drinks. He recently met up with an old girlfriend to spite me, although he swears nothing happened. I'm 26 years old, and we have been talking about getting married and having children for a while now, but I can't do that while he's still in this state. He absolutely refuses to go to counselling or anything, and doesn't see why he needs to stop this BEFORE we try for children. He attributes the aches and pains he has to getting old (he celebrated his 30th birthday this weekend!) Basically what I'm hoping for is this: I need ways to help him and support him without nagging. I don't know what to say or do anymore. I love him so much and I don't want to watch him kill himself. Any advice as to how I can approach the situation differently than I have been doing would be appreciated more than you know! I also suffer from anxiety, and this whole uncertainty with us is really getting to me. Thank you!
My name is Ally, and I'm here to try and get some advice and support. I live with my common-law husband of 4 years, and he is an alcoholic. He's been drinking all day, every day, as long as I've known him. He doesn't always get drunk, but he needs to drink to feel normal. He always gets drunk however, when we are out doing something and it's his day off. It's like it's nobody else's day off but his. Recently, he tells me we are on thin ice because I've become a nagging wife, and I'm no longer his friend in life. I suppose he may be right, and from the reading I've been doing about alcoholism, the nagging, getting upset, and fighting does nothing but reinforce the drinking. He tells me all the time that I'm the reason he drinks. He recently met up with an old girlfriend to spite me, although he swears nothing happened. I'm 26 years old, and we have been talking about getting married and having children for a while now, but I can't do that while he's still in this state. He absolutely refuses to go to counselling or anything, and doesn't see why he needs to stop this BEFORE we try for children. He attributes the aches and pains he has to getting old (he celebrated his 30th birthday this weekend!) Basically what I'm hoping for is this: I need ways to help him and support him without nagging. I don't know what to say or do anymore. I love him so much and I don't want to watch him kill himself. Any advice as to how I can approach the situation differently than I have been doing would be appreciated more than you know! I also suffer from anxiety, and this whole uncertainty with us is really getting to me. Thank you!
He is a jerk and you are not at fault at ALL for his drinking. Know that and do not forget it, because the only one at fault for his alcoholism is himself. He chooses to drink, he chooses to buy alcohol, and he chooses to me hurtful and mean to you. You may need to reconsider this relationship because I can see he is being abusive mentally to you, and doesnt sound like he is in touch with reality at all. I say, and I know this is tough, that you leave and never look back. Even if he wasnt a drunk, he is still a cheat..........and that will never change. You deserve more out of life, and he will only continue to bring you down. YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT, not even a little bit. He is! Never lose yourself in someone elses problems, even if its supposedly someone you are in love with. Its just not worth it, because when all is said and done, you are all you got. Be true to yourself, and leave before you really regret it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Boston
Posts: 67
You only live once - at least on this planet. You are young and sound like you are a good person. You have your whole life ahead of you. You are a pup.
RUN. Live the life you deserve. Do not settle for someone like this for security. Especially with a mean drunk. And that is what he is.
I know this is harsh and I know relationships are complicated but I have seen people settle for the wrong reasons and it leads to misery.
Stay strong. I wish you the best.
RUN. Live the life you deserve. Do not settle for someone like this for security. Especially with a mean drunk. And that is what he is.
I know this is harsh and I know relationships are complicated but I have seen people settle for the wrong reasons and it leads to misery.
Stay strong. I wish you the best.
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