High functioning drunk
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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High functioning drunk
Hi everyone.
I have been married to my husband for 10 years. We were both basically high functioning drunks. Drinking is what we did together... I can't say we ever had much in common. I have had several periods of sobriety during our time together, including the present.
We have 2 kids together, he has a high-profile job, I'm succeeding in grad school, we own property, etc... It seems like we have it together. But the reality of our dysfunction is causing me so much trouble. I know that if I want to be the kind of person and mother I want to be, I need to commit to sobriety. Luckily for me, my alcoholism has not progressed very far. It feels more like a bad habit for me than an all-out addiction. But I don't want to take chances so I'm going to AA, coming onto SR every day, and avoiding situations that may make we want to drink.
But my husband has zero interest in quitting drinking. He is very abusive (verbally and emotionally). I've often been baffled by his rages, put-downs and tantrums. I thought maybe he was mentally ill or just seething with deep-seated anger? Now that I'm stone-cold sober, I can see how alcohol plays just a big part in this. I always knew he drank alot, but I didn't put 2 and 2 together that his alcohol abuse might be a root cause of his troubled personality.
I'm not here to bash him at all, but he has also aged about 20 years in the past 10 years (he's 53, I"m 34). He has gained probably 100 lbs, his stomach is so big he can't find any pants that cover his butt, his arms and legs seems to have atrophied, he smells like booze all the time, he never has energy for anything but going to work and then coming home to drink and watch sports and movies. He seems only happy when he's drunk and when he's not, he's short and irritable all the time.
Sorry this is getting rambling but... I would like to approach him about his drinking and personal care habits in general. But, it seems a little high and mighty for me to say so since I'm all about recovery right now. I'm just so grossed out by his appearance, smell, attitude and just about everything about him. And that makes me sad, but it's true.
He is functioning, he's not passed out or crashing his car, etc... but he is not nice to be around at all. I find myself just completely avoiding him now because I never know what will set off a temper tantrum. And if I gently try to bring up a topic his response is "what about you?? What makes you so great?" And I always seem to fall for it. I feel like I can't leave because he doesn't give me permission. If I'm unhappy, he figures out a way to turn in back onto me and make it my fault. With his drinking ("oh, like you don't drink"), with his obesity ("What about you, like you're thin?" I'm 5'4 and weigh 140 lbs). I have confronted him about his verbal abuse and he always makes me feel like the real reason I'm unhappy with him is because I have very deep problems with myself and would be unhappy with anyone.
I feel so stuck
Thanks for reading.
I have been married to my husband for 10 years. We were both basically high functioning drunks. Drinking is what we did together... I can't say we ever had much in common. I have had several periods of sobriety during our time together, including the present.
We have 2 kids together, he has a high-profile job, I'm succeeding in grad school, we own property, etc... It seems like we have it together. But the reality of our dysfunction is causing me so much trouble. I know that if I want to be the kind of person and mother I want to be, I need to commit to sobriety. Luckily for me, my alcoholism has not progressed very far. It feels more like a bad habit for me than an all-out addiction. But I don't want to take chances so I'm going to AA, coming onto SR every day, and avoiding situations that may make we want to drink.
But my husband has zero interest in quitting drinking. He is very abusive (verbally and emotionally). I've often been baffled by his rages, put-downs and tantrums. I thought maybe he was mentally ill or just seething with deep-seated anger? Now that I'm stone-cold sober, I can see how alcohol plays just a big part in this. I always knew he drank alot, but I didn't put 2 and 2 together that his alcohol abuse might be a root cause of his troubled personality.
I'm not here to bash him at all, but he has also aged about 20 years in the past 10 years (he's 53, I"m 34). He has gained probably 100 lbs, his stomach is so big he can't find any pants that cover his butt, his arms and legs seems to have atrophied, he smells like booze all the time, he never has energy for anything but going to work and then coming home to drink and watch sports and movies. He seems only happy when he's drunk and when he's not, he's short and irritable all the time.
Sorry this is getting rambling but... I would like to approach him about his drinking and personal care habits in general. But, it seems a little high and mighty for me to say so since I'm all about recovery right now. I'm just so grossed out by his appearance, smell, attitude and just about everything about him. And that makes me sad, but it's true.
He is functioning, he's not passed out or crashing his car, etc... but he is not nice to be around at all. I find myself just completely avoiding him now because I never know what will set off a temper tantrum. And if I gently try to bring up a topic his response is "what about you?? What makes you so great?" And I always seem to fall for it. I feel like I can't leave because he doesn't give me permission. If I'm unhappy, he figures out a way to turn in back onto me and make it my fault. With his drinking ("oh, like you don't drink"), with his obesity ("What about you, like you're thin?" I'm 5'4 and weigh 140 lbs). I have confronted him about his verbal abuse and he always makes me feel like the real reason I'm unhappy with him is because I have very deep problems with myself and would be unhappy with anyone.
I feel so stuck
Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Good job on your sobriety, so far! My 23 yo son is an alcoholic- he has been sober for six months.
Here is the thing: You really can't do anything to get your husband to realize he has a problem. He is the only one that can change himself- and he has to want to change. You have zero ability to control his behavior. All that you can do is continue working on yourself and your life and doing what is best for your children. As you are figuring out, its not good for them to live with alcoholic parents. Living with alcoholic behaviors can effect children through adulthood.
One thing at a time, though. Stay sober, and work your recovery and other answers will come.
Many here recommend Alanon to get support for living with an alcoholic.
Here is the thing: You really can't do anything to get your husband to realize he has a problem. He is the only one that can change himself- and he has to want to change. You have zero ability to control his behavior. All that you can do is continue working on yourself and your life and doing what is best for your children. As you are figuring out, its not good for them to live with alcoholic parents. Living with alcoholic behaviors can effect children through adulthood.
One thing at a time, though. Stay sober, and work your recovery and other answers will come.
Many here recommend Alanon to get support for living with an alcoholic.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Yes, I went through something similar. Ours was an all-out mess and two years living apart and we are trying to put the pieces back together again.
I never drank anywhere near as much as he did, but I used it as a coping mechanism.
My personal experience is that you can only tackle life one thing, one step, one thought at a time. Others may be able to shift gears all in one fell swoop, not me. It's too overwhelming and too confusing.
I am working at repairing myself, repairing my life, and repairing our relationship one baby step at a time. So is he.
This doesn't mean that we see awe inspiring transitions, although we had a couple. I think you grasp sanity one act at a time.
First I would like to say that I don't think you can really convince someone to start living healthier. They already know they aren't. It's not like they don't have the choice to. I think you can kindly say that you would love to have him around, and that you are afraid that his habits may shorten how long you have him around.
It's a kind seed planted in his head. It's not pressure though. It's not a demand. It's only a seed. What he does from that point on is his decision, but at least you will feel better knowing that you expressed your concern in a loving manner. The key is that he sees it for what it is, love for him and wanting him to be around in five years.
As far as his foul moods go, my experience is that our blow-out separation made him take a look at how he was treating me. He expressed that to me. Since you are still together, I think communication on pointing out to him what he's just said--not blanket statements! --but just said to you right one minute ago, as not very kind, well, you have to learn how to maneuver the way the two of you communicate and break the cycle.
What about you? What makes you so great? I'd answer nothing. I'd say I'm not "great". I'd say I'd just like us to be kind to each other and happy together, and learn how to treat each other better. If that's an unusual approach for the two of you, then see, it is breaking the cycle there, one remark at a time.
I think you have a load of questions in your post, and each one is a separate issue to address.
I do know that as you cut back or stop drinking, the madness of a partner that is still at it full throttle ahead becomes much more apparent.
We had to separate. I can't offer advice on how to fix it all without that because I haven't been there, but I'm sure it can be done.
My experience says that you can't change him, but yourself. For every minute that you aren't drinking, and aren't acting out, reacting, but can be calm and sane your life gets more sane with you. What path will he choose is unknown, the future isn't written. So all you can do is keep doing what makes you stronger, saner, healthier, and see if he chooses to follow.
It's not black and white between the two of you. There's loads of gray. Anything you can do to make yourself better makes you stronger and able to see the next step to take. He will follow, or, eventually, you will leave him more than likely.
I think it's important that you see progress in yourself. One step forward, then another and another. Seek out help wherever it can be found. Believe and KNOW that for each thing you do to make your life better, you will feel better about yourself and see the next step to take. It's true! Believe in it!
I never drank anywhere near as much as he did, but I used it as a coping mechanism.
My personal experience is that you can only tackle life one thing, one step, one thought at a time. Others may be able to shift gears all in one fell swoop, not me. It's too overwhelming and too confusing.
I am working at repairing myself, repairing my life, and repairing our relationship one baby step at a time. So is he.
This doesn't mean that we see awe inspiring transitions, although we had a couple. I think you grasp sanity one act at a time.
First I would like to say that I don't think you can really convince someone to start living healthier. They already know they aren't. It's not like they don't have the choice to. I think you can kindly say that you would love to have him around, and that you are afraid that his habits may shorten how long you have him around.
It's a kind seed planted in his head. It's not pressure though. It's not a demand. It's only a seed. What he does from that point on is his decision, but at least you will feel better knowing that you expressed your concern in a loving manner. The key is that he sees it for what it is, love for him and wanting him to be around in five years.
As far as his foul moods go, my experience is that our blow-out separation made him take a look at how he was treating me. He expressed that to me. Since you are still together, I think communication on pointing out to him what he's just said--not blanket statements! --but just said to you right one minute ago, as not very kind, well, you have to learn how to maneuver the way the two of you communicate and break the cycle.
What about you? What makes you so great? I'd answer nothing. I'd say I'm not "great". I'd say I'd just like us to be kind to each other and happy together, and learn how to treat each other better. If that's an unusual approach for the two of you, then see, it is breaking the cycle there, one remark at a time.
I think you have a load of questions in your post, and each one is a separate issue to address.
I do know that as you cut back or stop drinking, the madness of a partner that is still at it full throttle ahead becomes much more apparent.
We had to separate. I can't offer advice on how to fix it all without that because I haven't been there, but I'm sure it can be done.
My experience says that you can't change him, but yourself. For every minute that you aren't drinking, and aren't acting out, reacting, but can be calm and sane your life gets more sane with you. What path will he choose is unknown, the future isn't written. So all you can do is keep doing what makes you stronger, saner, healthier, and see if he chooses to follow.
It's not black and white between the two of you. There's loads of gray. Anything you can do to make yourself better makes you stronger and able to see the next step to take. He will follow, or, eventually, you will leave him more than likely.
I think it's important that you see progress in yourself. One step forward, then another and another. Seek out help wherever it can be found. Believe and KNOW that for each thing you do to make your life better, you will feel better about yourself and see the next step to take. It's true! Believe in it!
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IMO, "high functioning" drunk is like a oxymoron. It's not possible to be a alcoholic and functioning. Maybe the term "working drunk" is what people mean. Lots of family and friends like to dress up what the person really is, a alcoholic. It sounds as if your home life with the husband is not functioning.
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Welcome to SR, WhiteFeathers. Congrats on deciding to work towards recovery.
Even if your AH quit drinking, it may not change his personallity much at all. Alcoholism and abusive behavior may be co-occurring in some instances, but neither one causes the other. Abuse, whether it's verbal, mental, physical, or religious, is a pattern of behavior in a relationship. It's a means to gain or maintain power and control. It's far more than just occasional bouts of anger or foul moods and is generally something that discussions between partners will not solve.
I found that it didn't matter whether or not AXH was drinking before, during or after he was verbally (or otherwise) abusive. He could be just as nasty sober as he could be drunk, sometimes more so. I guess what I'm saying is please don't try to count on monitoring his drinking in order to give you clues about when to expect rages or verbal attacks. It might work in the early stages of both alcoholism and abuse, but both escalate and they both escalate at different rates.
I think that it often doesn't matter how you approach the topic of his drinking being a problem. If they're not ready to stop, they'll react the same way they would have no matter how you approach it. If they already feel it's problem for them as well, the approach might matter, it might not.
I had to sit down and think about what I was willing to 'take' from AXH in terms of his behavior towards me and our family. Was how he treated me, how our relationship was, his level of involvement and contribution to our family, acceptable? Because in staying, I was tacitly agreeing that it was, even if it was hurtful and I didn't like it. Did I want our son to think that's how a relationship should be and how he should treat women? I had to stop hoping that the future would be different; the only thing that was certain was how things were right then. I couldn't make AXH change or even help him to change, so I had to look for other things that I could affect.
Wishing you continued strength and sending hugs.
Originally Posted by WhiteFeathers 
He is functioning, he's not passed out or crashing his car, etc... but he is not nice to be around at all. I find myself just completely avoiding him now because I never know what will set off a temper tantrum.
I found that it didn't matter whether or not AXH was drinking before, during or after he was verbally (or otherwise) abusive. He could be just as nasty sober as he could be drunk, sometimes more so. I guess what I'm saying is please don't try to count on monitoring his drinking in order to give you clues about when to expect rages or verbal attacks. It might work in the early stages of both alcoholism and abuse, but both escalate and they both escalate at different rates.
I think that it often doesn't matter how you approach the topic of his drinking being a problem. If they're not ready to stop, they'll react the same way they would have no matter how you approach it. If they already feel it's problem for them as well, the approach might matter, it might not.
I had to sit down and think about what I was willing to 'take' from AXH in terms of his behavior towards me and our family. Was how he treated me, how our relationship was, his level of involvement and contribution to our family, acceptable? Because in staying, I was tacitly agreeing that it was, even if it was hurtful and I didn't like it. Did I want our son to think that's how a relationship should be and how he should treat women? I had to stop hoping that the future would be different; the only thing that was certain was how things were right then. I couldn't make AXH change or even help him to change, so I had to look for other things that I could affect.
Wishing you continued strength and sending hugs.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
He's not functioning well if he's abusive and letting his appearance/health go. Sadly, there is nothing you can do about all that. It is his choice. I have learned that it's not possible to have a rational conversation about concerns with an active A. It always got turned around on me. I had to learn to detach from my A's behaviors, and focus on me. I think AlAnon could be a great resource for you. There are plenty of folks in my group who are in recovery, and also deal with an addict in their life, so they attend both AA and AlAnon.
BTW - you don't need "his permission" to leave. Just as he can choose to continue on his path, you can choose a new healthier path for you. Congrats on your sobriety!
BTW - you don't need "his permission" to leave. Just as he can choose to continue on his path, you can choose a new healthier path for you. Congrats on your sobriety!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Oakland CA
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Congrats on your sobriety!
It is very interesting to hear your observations of your husband now that you are sober. I'm sorry to hear that he has not been taking care of himself and being abusive. My fiance too has erratic temper outbursts/tantrums, sometimes sober, sometimes drunk, and I often wonder the root cause. He too has a challenging and professional job but emotionally he can be very immature and insensitive at times when he is not being needy. If I can stop drinking long enough to observe his behavior, which you've help inspire me to do, I am curious to realize just how much he is actually drinking.
When you are with someone with a tendency to blame you for things, that can be really exhausting and stifling, because it is so invalidating. My fiance has blamed me for anything under the sun and loves blaming my drinking for his emotional and verbal abuse, his drinking, and whatever else is bothering him at the time, like not being able to watch enough TV etc. I have put up with so much bs while drinking and it is not worth it! However I know he also blames me when I am not drinking which is so frustrating.
If some of your husband's abusive behaviors are more motivated by power and control, and making it so you won't leave him, instead of being mainly tied to drinking, you might want to also check out the book "Why does he do that", by Lundy Bancroft.
It is very interesting to hear your observations of your husband now that you are sober. I'm sorry to hear that he has not been taking care of himself and being abusive. My fiance too has erratic temper outbursts/tantrums, sometimes sober, sometimes drunk, and I often wonder the root cause. He too has a challenging and professional job but emotionally he can be very immature and insensitive at times when he is not being needy. If I can stop drinking long enough to observe his behavior, which you've help inspire me to do, I am curious to realize just how much he is actually drinking.
When you are with someone with a tendency to blame you for things, that can be really exhausting and stifling, because it is so invalidating. My fiance has blamed me for anything under the sun and loves blaming my drinking for his emotional and verbal abuse, his drinking, and whatever else is bothering him at the time, like not being able to watch enough TV etc. I have put up with so much bs while drinking and it is not worth it! However I know he also blames me when I am not drinking which is so frustrating.
If some of your husband's abusive behaviors are more motivated by power and control, and making it so you won't leave him, instead of being mainly tied to drinking, you might want to also check out the book "Why does he do that", by Lundy Bancroft.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Thank you all for your amazingly insightful responses.
If some of your husband's abusive behaviors are more motivated by power and control, and making it so you won't leave him, instead of being mainly tied to drinking, you might want to also check out the book "Why does he do that", by Lundy Bancroft. Yes! I have read this book and I found it amazingly helpful. I will reread it soon. I think I've already read it twice LOL!
The book points out that abusive guys have a pattern of behavior that they find serves themselves very well. They like controlling the women in their lives. IIRC, the book also points out that drugs and alcohol are not to be blamed for abusive behavior. Once abusive guys get sober, they will probably still be abusive because their problem is ABUSE.
Yesterday was a great day, though. We were all in the car, H was driving and our kids were in the back. He needed to get in touch with his assistant but he was having connection issues and he started FREAKING out. He was screaming awful names about his assistant out loud (not to her), his anger was starting to skyrocket. Our kids were getting really scared because he was starting to lose control. But I just... ignored it. In the past, I'd get upset and tell him to calm down, that he's scaring the kids, that it's not appropriate to scream the word "c*nt!!" in front of the kids.
But, I just didn't let it get to me. I calmed the kids down and told them daddy's angry at something at work and that it's fine and it doesn't concern them. And I realized that my husband is like this hurricane. I can't change his behavior or explain to him why screaming at me, at the kids, at his assistant, or the valet parking guy or whatever is scary and hurtful. All I can do is get out of he way. It's all I can do.
I've found it hard to leave him because of the usual things... money, the kids, our property and stuff we'll have to divide up, etc... But I also find it hard to leave because it will make me out to be the bad guy, which I get is a codependent nightmare! I want him to agree that he's been abusive and a bad husband and that I should just be able to walk away easily.
That's not how it will play out. In his mind, he's great. When I leave him the hurricane will be in full force, but all I can do is walk away.
Originally Posted by karakyle
If some of your husband's abusive behaviors are more motivated by power and control, and making it so you won't leave him, instead of being mainly tied to drinking, you might want to also check out the book "Why does he do that", by Lundy Bancroft.
The book points out that abusive guys have a pattern of behavior that they find serves themselves very well. They like controlling the women in their lives. IIRC, the book also points out that drugs and alcohol are not to be blamed for abusive behavior. Once abusive guys get sober, they will probably still be abusive because their problem is ABUSE.
Yesterday was a great day, though. We were all in the car, H was driving and our kids were in the back. He needed to get in touch with his assistant but he was having connection issues and he started FREAKING out. He was screaming awful names about his assistant out loud (not to her), his anger was starting to skyrocket. Our kids were getting really scared because he was starting to lose control. But I just... ignored it. In the past, I'd get upset and tell him to calm down, that he's scaring the kids, that it's not appropriate to scream the word "c*nt!!" in front of the kids.
But, I just didn't let it get to me. I calmed the kids down and told them daddy's angry at something at work and that it's fine and it doesn't concern them. And I realized that my husband is like this hurricane. I can't change his behavior or explain to him why screaming at me, at the kids, at his assistant, or the valet parking guy or whatever is scary and hurtful. All I can do is get out of he way. It's all I can do.
I've found it hard to leave him because of the usual things... money, the kids, our property and stuff we'll have to divide up, etc... But I also find it hard to leave because it will make me out to be the bad guy, which I get is a codependent nightmare! I want him to agree that he's been abusive and a bad husband and that I should just be able to walk away easily.
That's not how it will play out. In his mind, he's great. When I leave him the hurricane will be in full force, but all I can do is walk away.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
WhiteFeathers, i have just almost finished reading a book: "Not to People Like Us--Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages" by Susan Weitzman (amazon.com).
A real eye-opener. Upscale marriages often presents special obstacles for women with abusive husbands. This is contrary to what most people assume.
You might find this interesting. Influential and financially upscale men are frequently abusive behind the scene.
Just saying......
dandylion
A real eye-opener. Upscale marriages often presents special obstacles for women with abusive husbands. This is contrary to what most people assume.
You might find this interesting. Influential and financially upscale men are frequently abusive behind the scene.
Just saying......
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Originally Posted by dandylion
WhiteFeathers, i have just almost finished reading a book: "Not to People Like Us--Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages" by Susan Weitzman (amazon.com).
A real eye-opener. Upscale marriages often presents special obstacles for women with abusive husbands. This is contrary to what most people assume.
You might find this interesting. Influential and financially upscale men are frequently abusive behind the scene.
Just saying......
dandylion
A real eye-opener. Upscale marriages often presents special obstacles for women with abusive husbands. This is contrary to what most people assume.
You might find this interesting. Influential and financially upscale men are frequently abusive behind the scene.
Just saying......
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
You said you cant leave because he doesnt give you permission. Why do you need his permission?
I'm happy to hear you are turning your life around, good for you. I am here because of an alcoholic friend I cant handle anymore, so I am learning a lot. I totally get it that it's hard to overcome alcoholism but it doesnt sound like your husband is interested in trying. I guess it's easier to keep doing what he's doing.
I wish you well.
Funkynassau
I'm happy to hear you are turning your life around, good for you. I am here because of an alcoholic friend I cant handle anymore, so I am learning a lot. I totally get it that it's hard to overcome alcoholism but it doesnt sound like your husband is interested in trying. I guess it's easier to keep doing what he's doing.
I wish you well.
Funkynassau
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Originally Posted by funkynassau
You said you cant leave because he doesnt give you permission. Why do you need his permission?
I'm happy to hear you are turning your life around, good for you. I am here because of an alcoholic friend I cant handle anymore, so I am learning a lot. I totally get it that it's hard to overcome alcoholism but it doesnt sound like your husband is interested in trying. I guess it's easier to keep doing what he's doing.
I wish you well.
Funkynassau
I'm happy to hear you are turning your life around, good for you. I am here because of an alcoholic friend I cant handle anymore, so I am learning a lot. I totally get it that it's hard to overcome alcoholism but it doesnt sound like your husband is interested in trying. I guess it's easier to keep doing what he's doing.
I wish you well.
Funkynassau
Other relationships break up mutually--both parties agree it's not working and move on. In my marriage, my husband actually thinks it's working (??). In his opinion, if I leave, I would be ruining everyone's lives--his, mine, the kids'. If I tell him I'm unhappy with him/his behavior/the marriage, he says it's actually because I'm a) a depressive person who would be unhappy in any situation, b) I have no perspective to see how good I actually have it, c) I shouldn't blame him for being unhappy with myself and that I should get a job and get a life.
BTW, I'm halfway done with a master's degree. I'll be done with that in June and then I'll be looking for work.
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WhiteFeathers, I must say, your husband sounds like he might be very high in the narcissism scale. His reaction is very typical of those who look at other people as objects to be used for their own needs--but, do not care about or recognize that other people have feelings.
You might want to read up on narcissism (the personality disorder), and see if you find any patterns here. A word of warning--narcissistic personalities are very difficult to change and are typically very resistant to treatment. Beware of the narcissistic personality.
Yes, that you feel that you want his permission is a problem for you--but, not uncommon in co-dependency. You can overcome this, though. Alanon would help you. Also an individual therapist can help. You will also learn a lot from others on this forum.
dandylion
You might want to read up on narcissism (the personality disorder), and see if you find any patterns here. A word of warning--narcissistic personalities are very difficult to change and are typically very resistant to treatment. Beware of the narcissistic personality.
Yes, that you feel that you want his permission is a problem for you--but, not uncommon in co-dependency. You can overcome this, though. Alanon would help you. Also an individual therapist can help. You will also learn a lot from others on this forum.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
Congrats on working on your Masters!
Your hubby seems to be trying to sabotage you with his comments of you cant get by without him, that you'd be breaking up the family etc. Well, what does he think he's doing? He's hurting you and the kids, and kids should never have to live like that and experience such toxic behaviour. Dr Phil says kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. That makes good sense to me!
He says you should get a job and get a life? Sounds like a plan to me, one that does not include him. Dont let him brow beat you into staying in such an unhealthy relationship.
Your hubby seems to be trying to sabotage you with his comments of you cant get by without him, that you'd be breaking up the family etc. Well, what does he think he's doing? He's hurting you and the kids, and kids should never have to live like that and experience such toxic behaviour. Dr Phil says kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. That makes good sense to me!
He says you should get a job and get a life? Sounds like a plan to me, one that does not include him. Dont let him brow beat you into staying in such an unhealthy relationship.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by WhiteFeathers
Yesterday was a great day, though. We were all in the car, H was driving and our kids were in the back. He needed to get in touch with his assistant but he was having connection issues and he started FREAKING out. He was screaming awful names about his assistant out loud (not to her), his anger was starting to skyrocket. Our kids were getting really scared because he was starting to lose control. But I just... ignored it. In the past, I'd get upset and tell him to calm down, that he's scaring the kids, that it's not appropriate to scream the word "c*nt!!" in front of the kids.
But, I just didn't let it get to me. I calmed the kids down and told them daddy's angry at something at work and that it's fine and it doesn't concern them. And I realized that my husband is like this hurricane. I can't change his behavior or explain to him why screaming at me, at the kids, at his assistant, or the valet parking guy or whatever is scary and hurtful. All I can do is get out of he way. It's all I can do.
I've found it hard to leave him because of the usual things... money, the kids, our property and stuff we'll have to divide up, etc... But I also find it hard to leave because it will make me out to be the bad guy, which I get is a codependent nightmare! I want him to agree that he's been abusive and a bad husband and that I should just be able to walk away easily.
That's not how it will play out. In his mind, he's great. When I leave him the hurricane will be in full force, but all I can do is walk away.
This incident in the car with your children really hit me. I'm in my late 20's, and I grew up in a home with a verbally, emotionally abusive father who had anger issues like this. His anger especially surfaced when driving. To this day, I can barely be in a car with him. In general, I keep my distance and barely have a relationship with him. Growing up in that environment has affected my self esteem and definitely impacted my issues with men/relationships. I put up with men who treat me horribly. I am afraid of being abandoned. In general, I give more love than I get, because when I was little my father gave me none.
I can't imagine how hard it would be to leave him, but in time, I really hope you do. For the sake of not only you, but your children. Hurt children often don't say how they feel. They don't tell you they're scared, but they are. Later in life, those moments like that one in the car, will strike them as hard as it did that day. Please, get out.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
He is functioning, he's not passed out or crashing his car, etc... but he is not nice to be around at all.
When did "not nice to be around" become a component of "functioning"? Alcoholics like myself never got a DUI, never lived under a bridge. You seem to be making excuses for him. He's got a drinking problem, he's not pleasant to be around, he is making you worried....but that's okay, 'cause he's "functioning".
When did "not nice to be around" become a component of "functioning"? Alcoholics like myself never got a DUI, never lived under a bridge. You seem to be making excuses for him. He's got a drinking problem, he's not pleasant to be around, he is making you worried....but that's okay, 'cause he's "functioning".
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by WhiteFeathers
I obvious don't NEED his permission. I just feel like I do so I don't feel like the bad guy. That's my issue to resolve. That's my madness.
I keep wishing for a magical, mutual letting go; we would both be terribly sad, but somehow keep the good will and love intact.
Anyway, I wish strength and courage for us both, WhiteFeathers - and a lifting of the FOG!!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I can't imagine how hard it would be to leave him, but in time, I really hope you do. For the sake of not only you, but your children. Hurt children often don't say how they feel. They don't tell you they're scared, but they are. Later in life, those moments like that one in the car, will strike them as hard as it did that day. Please, get out
I was very frightened of my father, especially behind the wheel.
He was mean and would purposely try to terrify us.
Hearing the c word from their father?
That is disturbing, and your children are learning from him
(their most powerful male model)
what women are worth.
Did you hear that word from your father? Ever?
He says you should get a job and get a life? Sounds like a plan to me, one that does not include him. Dont let him brow beat you into staying in such an unhealthy relationship.
BTW, I'm halfway done with a master's degree. I'll be done with that in June and then I'll be looking for work.
And, most importantly, congratulations on your sobriety!
I say most importantly because as a recovered alcoholic,
I know the only way to continued good life is staying sober.
Take care of yourself WhiteFeathers, and guard your sobriety.
Keep yourself in good shape emotionally, spiritually and work on financially.
While going to AlAnon you will get the tools you need for your relationship
with others who are alcoholic.
But I don't want to take chances so I'm going to AA, coming onto SR every day, and avoiding situations that may make we want to drink.
You will need it in your new life.
And, what is so great about you?
You are great already. You were born great. You stopped drinking and
want the best for your children.
You are the greatest.
Beth
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
Dr Phil says kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. These words came to mind as I read all the posts here. Please think about your kids! What their dad is doing is beyond wrong.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by wicked
Hearing the c word from their father?
That is disturbing, and your children are learning from him
(their most powerful male model)
what women are worth.
Did you hear that word from your father? Ever?
That is disturbing, and your children are learning from him
(their most powerful male model)
what women are worth.
Did you hear that word from your father? Ever?
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