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Motivation

Old 07-09-2013, 07:28 PM
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Motivation

Hi,

I need motivation to really want to not drink and stay sober. I've read books, gone to AA in the past, read scientific information etc. By reading harm reduction I've been able to get through this day without having the physical withdrawals and anxiety that I recently started experiencing this year (am 28 and have been drinking heavily since I met my current fiance in 2010 which is scary how fast I became a 2.5 bottle wine + a day on most days wine drinker). I know I am lucky to have a chance to see the light and would like to get out before another day of who knows what. Recently with my fiance actually trying to be less emotionally abusive, probably to win me back so he can then be really angry again, I've cut back to maybe 1-1.5 bottles when I drink.

My problem I think is psychologically not really wanting to say goodbye to alcohol 100% because I drink now at home to dull the pain from my relationship and old job/traumatic stress, as well as my chemical addiction to drinking now. I have a lot of resentment which I feel is deserved in these situations but definitely not doing me any good to harbor. I think codependency issues triggered using alcohol to cope, which led me to drink reality and my intuition away and continue down the wrong paths at work and in my relationship. Had I not been drinking I might not have had enough denial to allow my abusive, alcoholic, klonopin dependent, and the worst was antisocial personality disordered ex boss bully me into staying working for him while he and other coworkers conspired to commit fraud and do illegal credit card billing, and set up shell companies etc. However I did leave this situation in the fall, when it got much worse, and when I figured out how bad things really were. While I hate being unemployed and the stress of it, when I could finally afford to leave I thought it is unquestionably much better than being in jail, and I knew that job was also a really toxic trigger for my drinking due to the confusion at that job.

I left that situation, which I have it seems traumatic stress from, as in night terrors for a few months, but still am with my abusive and alcoholic/pot/sex addict fiance (who owns up to his "mistakes of the past" - the past is the part that always gets to me since it is ongoing and usually happened within the last day or two). He seems in remission mainly from going to massage parlors behind my back on lunch at work and smoking a lot of pot but even though I drink a lot I know he's drinking a lot. He loves calling me names, when he's drunk, sober, or whatever and last night again mockingly called me an alcoholic, probably because he didn't want me finishing his wine. I know I'm an alcoholic that is old news to me and like I've told him many times now would really like to stop. I cannot imagine him stopping but it is very clear that he is an alcoholic and has been since his early twenties when he had anxiety withdrawals. He only calls me an alcoholic to be mean and alternates that with I should drink myself to death and buying me alcohol

We don't have kids, thank goodness, and own a home together that is primarily mine in interest. I just feel really stuck and like I need to find passion in life. It sucks to sober up and feel great but then be put down and humiliated by an active alcoholic and abuser. I had a previous relationship for 4 years with a very abusive man but he didn't allow me to drink, which was good, but just feel kind of like no matter what things will suck or it doesn't matter and I might as well anesthetize. Also my Mom was a high bottom alcoholic and didn't drink since I was 4 and neither did my Dad. They were miserable together though, but rarely fought, were very serious, had a sexless marriage, and got divorced right when I graduated college. I want to want to be sober again but I think I just do not really believe, which is so bad I know because logically being sober is not what causes unhappiness, its the anything +codependency maybe? i also need to not get coerced back into drinking by the fiance who is going to make it manipulative hell to leave/or get him to leave for good so I need to be strong first.

Thanks for reading
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:36 PM
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Wow. Lots of thoughts here, you seem to have quite a bit on your mind.

I would try and simplify things for starters. Sounds like your own drinking habit might be the first hill to climb, and in my experience it's best to start by focusing on that. Leave the husband/house/relationship stuff out of this for now, you will certainly have time to tackle that once you become sober and can see things with a clear head.

I come from a similar drinking situation where I began consuming really large amounts every day/night on a regular basis. It was pretty scary for me, and all of a sudden there were problems with my then-girlfriend, financial issues, employment issues, etc - looming over my head too. It was pretty rough as I had some withdrawl seizures while quitting and went to the ER several times, and then was taken to treatment. It all happened very fast and it was very surreal.

In the beginning it's best to work on stopping this habit. There could be withdrawl issues (do you get night sweats or the shakes ever?), for which a doctor should be consulted. Aside from that, you've got to develop a plan to quit. That starts with reaching out and I'm glad you've done that. Any plans on how to get started?
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Old 07-09-2013, 11:36 PM
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Yikes...lots going on there. Um...I am familiar with both alcoholism and toxic/emotionally abusive relationships. Addiction runs through both really. I knew I would never get him out of my life if I remained drinking...and at 5 weeks sober it's still had its challenges. Getting free of him I mean. Sobriety, counselling and SR is helping me to transform so that I will not tolerate the intolerable.
You will not really be able to assess or change anything..unless you get sober. First things first.
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Old 07-10-2013, 12:27 AM
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to SR! Sounds like you've got a lot on your plate right now. I'd say your sobriety should be your first priority, no matter what your fiancé does or says.


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Old 07-10-2013, 05:39 AM
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Hey! Unemployed in the Bay, I'm in that club, high five!

So... I actually have a different take than the others, for what it's worth. I've left emotionally abusive men, and I've quit drinking. If I were in your shoes, I'd start with getting rid of the fiancé. Getting sober is hard, and I can't imagine doing it under the conditions you describe.

Do you have friends or family you can stay with? I think the best possible thing you could do right now would be to find someone you trust, tell them that you need to leave your fiancé, and go stay with them. You need accountability. The last abusive guy was the only one I ever left successfully without moving to a different state or country, and the only way I did it was because I had a whole lot of friends who would have been horrified if I'd taken him back. I really would have if it had been just me.

It was embarrassing, it was awful, I was lonely and miserable, but I just stayed at my friend's place and was a lump of a human being for a little while until I could start to feel again.

Even if it means flying to another part of the country for a while, I think you need to leave him and sort out the house from somewhere else. It needs to be done. Rip the bandaid off. Every day that you're with an abusive man, it gets harder to dig yourself out. And every day it does damage to your well-being.

Don't give him a chance to be manipulative. You're unemployed, you can do this now, you're not stuck like you would be if you had a job! This is the perfect time. Pack some bags while he's out of the house and go.
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Old 07-10-2013, 07:28 AM
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I am on the same page as fantail. Get the relationship sorted first - and soon, like immediately. I filed for a divorce after 10 years and it wasn't even as bad as your situation sounds. My ex was only verbally abusive when drunk (which by the end was daily though). We both drunk a lot, I drank more as I can handle more and do not have blackouts. I think we were in a way trying to connect via mutual drinking as there was nothing else left in the marriage to hold on to or to link us. There is no way I would have even considered attempting to quit for good while in that relationship.
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Old 07-10-2013, 01:49 PM
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Thanks everyone. I appreciate your thoughtful replies!
Big sombrero- I had night sweats and insomnia before, but no night sweats and just mild sleeping problems last night, thank goodness. I now have 38 hours sober. A couple months ago, I had a scary panic attack/shaking feeling and anxiety from stopping drinking, after having stopped and restarted. I didn’t expect that reaction from the amount I had drank or the time I’d been drinking though at all.
You guys are right that I need to make a specific plan for what needs to happen first and when it needs to happen by asap. I’m going to make a few different potential plans while simultaneously not drinking, which will include potential ideas for where to go. My brother and one of my best friends are in nyc so am considering that.
I think my reasons for not leaving yet have been because of worrying that the fiancé will self-destruct, taking responsibility for him acting out if I’m not there, and having our relationship have addictive pull from the emotional fights (huge waste of time and meaningless), bonding over drinking, as well as some physical violence which I never thought I would ever put up with and have tried to block out, although I don't really have black outs, sometimes fuzzy though. Clearly I am useless to him or anyone else if I don’t take care of myself.
I’m finally starting to see how these thoughts of being afraid to leave him for what he will do to himself, or because I start thinking all of the problems we had are my fault, keep me stuck and feeling very confused. I now think he may have intentionally and manipulatively instilled these ideas that I need to be responsible for him and that he is prone to making mistakes that are not his fault as a means of controlling me and putting the responsibility for his disrespectful and humiliating behavior on me. Several months into our relationship I got hooked by identifying with him being ashamed of acting out but the impact of him telling me I’m the only one to help him with these behaviors just served to isolate me and have me further cater to his needs.

Congratulations to all of you for being sober and also for those of you who left bad relationships! I admire your strength and persistence.
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Old 07-10-2013, 01:50 PM
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Thanks everyone. I appreciate your thoughtful replies!
Big sombrero- I had night sweats and insomnia before, but no night sweats and just mild sleeping problems last night, thank goodness. I now have 38 hours sober. I had previously a couple months ago had a scary panic attack/shaking feeling and anxiety from stopping drinking, after having stopped and restarted. I didn’t expect that reaction from the amount I had or the time I’d been drinking though at all.

You guys are right that I need to make a specific plan for what needs to happen first and when it needs to happen by asap. I’m going to try to make a few different potential plans while not drinking which will include potential ideas for where to go. My brother and one of my best friends are in nyc so am considering that.
I think my reasons for not leaving yet have been because of worrying that the fiancé will self-destruct, taking responsibility for him acting out if I’m not there, and having our relationship have addictive pull from the emotional fights (huge waste of time and meaningless), bonding over drinking, as well as some physical violence which I never thought I would ever put up with but do not remember that well. Clearly I am useless to him if I don’t take care of myself.
I’m finally starting to see how these thoughts of being afraid to leave him for what he will do to himself, or because I start thinking all of the problems we had are my fault, keep me stuck and feeling very confused. I now think he may have intentionally and manipulatively instilled these ideas that I need to be responsible for him and that he is prone to making mistakes that are not his fault as a means of controlling me and putting the responsibility for his disrespectful and humiliating behavior on me. Several months into our relationship I got hooked by identifying with him being ashamed of acting out but the impact of him telling me I’m the only one to help him with these behaviors just served to isolate me and have me further cater to his needs.

Congratulations to all of you for being sober and for those of you who left bad relationships! I admire your strength and persistence.
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Old 07-10-2013, 03:47 PM
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Hi Karakyle - welcome

lots of good advice here - I think you have too things you need to sort out - your drinking and your relationship - I wouldn't drag my feet on either change, personally.

Your addiction will use anything....your fear and discomfort - even your sense of responsibility to an abusive partner - to stop you from making any changes.

Fight that.

Your new life can begin as soon as you want it too, y'know?

D
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