Essn1977

I've notice a trend on these boards that moat people are leaving but I'm curious is there anyone out there that is with their partner who was there through the bad and now their partner is committing to recovery? And what's the outcome?

Hammer

"We" seem to be working and holding on [to] the bad pretty hard around our end of the woods.

For my part, just got out of an Alanon meeting, and my daughter texted me that she was going to Alateen.

Your mileage may vary.

LexieCat

I'm divorced now from my first husband, but for reasons that had nothing to do with alcoholism. He got sober the year before we got married, and we were married close to fifteen years. He recovered just fine, he's a great guy, and we are still good friends. And he is still sober 33 years later, happily remarried. And yeah, I went through the bad with him for three years before he got sober at age 21 (he was 18 and a raging alcoholic when I met him).

BoxinRotz

Mine just beat his way out of a body bag last week. We're currently waiting on shovels...

I'll get back to ya in a few months to see if he's dug a hole yet!

FireSprite

Me, I stayed and we're both working through recovery. It's a process, for sure, not something that magically mends itself just because RAH is staying sober..... but we're figuring it out as we go.

CarryOn

My RAH is in early recovery - 50 days today. He relapsed about 18 months ago after 17 dry years. We've been married 10 years, together 12.

We've been living separately a little over 3 months. I've explored my options to leave but am giving things time as I'm willing to try to work things out if he shows commitment to a sober life. I'm in counseling, Al-Anon, etc. to work on my recovery. He has been doing some AA, says he will go for counseling when he returns from current work trip. Our outcome is TBD.

I know it's possible...there are some positive outcomes from members here (like Lexie's ), and we recently went to a Couples Communication 12-step meeting, and there were several couples where the A was in long-term recovery.

Dublin

My RA partner and I still together. Early recovery for both of us he's sober a few months, in AA has a sponsor is reading the literature. I'm in alanon since Dec 2011 did over a year counselling and reading some literature. We recently started couples counselling. Things are getting better. It's hard, we both struggle but I am hopeful we can come through this but only time will tell. One day at a time and always progress not perfection. Today was good and I'll take that for now, tomorrow? Who knows? So no outcome as such yet but still together.

ichabod

My RAH and I have been married for 20 years and he's in his 4th year of recovery. I've been here for the entire roller coaster ride; the highs have been really high and the lows have been in the sewer. I'm glad I stayed because our relationship is by far the best it's ever been, but many of those 20 years were really difficult and I don't think I'd repeat them if given the option.

I think we've been able to work because he was never abusive in any way and is, in general, a very kind man. We just led very separate lives for a long time. The love was always there.

KKE

My partner is in early recovery and goes to AA regularly. He stopped drinking earlier this year, relapsed for 6 days early June and has been sober since. Early days but we are both so much happier. AA has helped him so much. It's not always easy and there are things I am learning daily about committing to a life with a RA and still some resentment on my part aboutbthe past, but this is definitely better now than before he found AA.

jmartin

My AW (25+ years) has been relapsing every couple of months for the past eight years. She has been in counseling, AA, and earlier this year, in-patient rehab. It has been a roller coaster, she professes commitment to quit, but has been unable to break the cycle. Each time she relapses brings new resolve to quit, lots of tearful promises and remorse, but her pattern of isolating and relapsing every couple of months has not stopped. So while we have stayed together, it has not been easy for me, there are many many times when regret my decision to try to work through this rather than break it off and start over.

I have come to feel I am with a perpetual child rather than a life partner I can count on, and this has taken its toll - there has been no intimacy, no fun times together, very little of what I would call a marriage in the past few years. That was not a conscious process - just one of those things one realizes one day.

She relapsed again a couple weeks ago, and it threw me into another tailspin of hopelessness, I don't know if I can live with this any longer. Even if this time she does quit for good, I just don't know how or if we can rebuild. I don't trust her not to drink, I don't trust her to work her program.

I am going to Alanon, aftercare for her rehab, and we are in couples counseling, I wish I could report a happier result to staying together. Obviously, this is just our story, anyone else might have a different, better result. The main point, though, is that committing to recovery is a nebulous thing - she has committed to recovery countless times, she just can't stick to it. It is like that not-funny joke about the smoker who has quit thousands of times. For me, it has been an endless cycle of pain and hope that I am discovering - through SR and Alanon - is much more harmful to me than I may have realized, it has just chipped away slowly and relentlessly at my patience, my resolve, and my capacity to enjoy life. I can't tell you yet how the story ends, but I am nearly out of hope for us.

Probably not the "we stayed together" story of hope you are looking for, it is but one of many possible outcomes to trying work through it.

Essn1977

I have learned alot since I have posted this the lies and the deceit that is still going on he's not using or drinking that I'm aware of but the lies the god awful lies he tells and I think he believes he's telling the truth well I found out for a fact that he is not so this is my ending point I cannot continue to be lies to and then be accused of things I'm not even doing! So I'm going to seek my own recovery at al anon for myself! I need to be healthy enough to tell this man no I'm not coming back or putting up with it! He manipulates me and cries and try's to suck me back in! It usually works he keeps saying your gonna miss out on the good me the sober me you'll be sorry you'll see! Then I cave but this time I want to stay strong for myself!! Thanks for listening!!

Tuffgirl

I think this above is a perfect example of the trend you mention seeing that many people choose not to stay in relationships where there are addictions. It's not just a trend on this forum; its also a trend in real life. Trying to have intimate relationships with people who are addicted is next to impossible. You will never be his #1 priority as long as he is drinking/using mind-altering substances.

We all want to believe the "good me, the sober me" is in there somewhere and often it keeps us attached and enmeshed far longer than we should. When I realized myself that I was hanging onto potential, out of fear of missing the miracle that was always 5 minutes away, I did the right thing and let the relationship go. It sucked, but it wasn't fair of me to continue to find him coming up short and failing any more than it was fair of him to never be able to meet my needs.

Keep reading, education is empowering!
~T

Essn1977

Thank you that's exactly what I feel like I'm doing holding hoping for the "sober" man with his promises of what he can and will do for me I'm beat down and exhausted I can't do it any longer

FireSprite

The lies were difficult for me too - I don't handle deception well at all. Even after becoming sober, RAH struggled with the knee-jerk reaction to lie all. the. damn. time. It had become so ingrained in the way he handled things he didn't even realize he was doing it at times. It was always silly, ridiculous, not-worth-lying-about kind of stuff too - not big things, but little stupid crap.

Stick around, keep reading, go to Al Anon if it's for you - it sounds like you are WAY overdue for some support. (((HUGS)))

Essn1977

Thank you everyone and yes I'm beyond over due it's been 3 years worth of this and it's time for me to get up and do for me! I'm going to an al on meeting Sunday evening it will be my first I need to heal! It's my time!

Hammer

YEAH. Go. Alanon. Go.

Or make that Yeah, go to Alanon.

Been great for me, so that is good for the kids, and I guess not too harmful for Mrs. Hammer. But my Mother-in-law hates it -- for me. She sort of lost her Co-Enabler (me) to Alanon.

MIL will not go. But I very nicely invite her from time-to-time. It is less than a 1/4 mile from where she works and is open after her work day every week. Really nice clean Catholic Church, wonderful people, and probably half of that group is Parents of A's. God makes things easy for us when we will. She (all of us) can make things hard. Oh well, God is patient and will be ready when she is.

And the Lying Stuff. Oh God. As in I turned THAT mess over to Oh God. So I am NOT taking it back. We (daughter in Alateen and I) wrote our list of 100 Lies in 100 Days (sort of a mock of 90 meetings in 90 days) after Mrs. Hammer came back from rehab and was lying about everything.

When she started skipping meetings and telling folks that I was not letting her go (along with lies about anything else imaginable) . . . we did the list. And turned it over to God. I am sure He will know what to do with it.

Hammer

Found myself saying that at an Alanon story night

That, too.

I do remember that Hope is not a Plan.

Not that I have a Plan, either.


Just don't know, do we?

Wishful133

I have chosen to stay with my DH who is in early recovery. It is very hard, he's relapsed once already and last night had a huge King Baby (sober) tantrum. But at least he's open to conversation after, we had a talk and I tried to stay as detached as possible while I told him my boundaries and how his behaviour was affecting our family.

It's a hard journey, it's tough. Right now I'm looking at it as I would any other disease - my dad died of cancer and that was a hard journey filled with ups and downs and emotions and hard decisions. This is no different, except that DH ultimately has a choice - and I do too.

I'm trying to follow the path from my HP. Right now I know I am where I should be, with DH and our little family. In the future, I don't know where my HP will lead me. A week ago I finally turned my life over to my HP, I can't control it anymore and I need to just *trust*. SO hard, but SO necessary.

Springs

My path is undetermined - RAH is in early recovery. It's not clear to me where this will lead but al anon is clearly the most important thing I can be doing for me right now and I think will help lead me to where I need to be - wherever it is .

trixie56

This is all so true and really hit home for me. I gave my XABF a second chance to show me he'd "changed," and that only lasted about two weeks. After that, I was always left feeling hurt, disappointed, confused, etc. almost whenever we interacted. I tried being a friend, told him he could always talk to me instead of drinking when he had a bad day. He never took me up on it. I hung in there, for too long, because I know his potential, how he can be when he's sober. Honestly, I probably would've hung in longer had he even acknowledged the fact that he was back to drinking, and wasn't as "changed" as he'd told me. No acknowledgement though, and never any apologies. All that, there's no way I could handle.

I realized, and am still realizing, that he just isn't that person right now and maybe never will be again. It's heartbreaking, but looking back at what I was dealing with, I can see that it was just going to get worse (because it already was). And right now, even though I miss our days together when he was sober, I'm feeling much safer at this distance.