Acheleus

So I am 41 days without drinking or smoking and I asked a girl out who lives in my building. I asked her if she wanted to go out later, and she said to come to her door later on. So now I am worried that I will go out with her and drink. So I wanted to post here before I go out and have beers and try to seduce this woman. She is moving in 20 days and I have talked to her lots of times before but never asked her out. I feel good around her though, she is a nice person. Anyways, advice? Should I just not go to her door? Just ask if she wants to get dinner instead of a drink? It's raining here so we can't go to a park or something. Help!!!

FlyerNation

Sorry but If you're asking out of fear of what might happen with your drinking then you're not ready.

Olive1

Hi Acheleus,

Congrats on 41 days! And good on you for asking someone out!
Go to a coffee shop. Go somewhere where no alcohol is served.
I think that if you go out with her and have a drink, you may spend the evening thinking about drinking and not thinking about being in the moment with someone and having a nice time.
Just go somewhere with no alcohol.
That would be your best bet.

Soberpotamus

Congrats for asking her out!! I grinned really big when I saw the thread title

So... just make sure you have in your mind where you want to take her... to a benign spot, no alcohol. Simple. Just figure out a spot, maybe coffee shop, or restaurant that doesn't serve alcohol.

No need to worry really, if you plan it beforehand.

Congrats!! And good luck.

sassu78

I heard that we shouldn't date the first year of sobriety...At least this is the advice that I got...I'm really not telling you what to do, please don't get me wrong...Just wanted to share what I heard/read.

I'm 50 days sober and I don't even know the real me yet so I know that I'm not ready to meet somebody, eventhough I would love to have someone to love

I wish you the best. Whatever you do, be selfish and put your sobriety first!

-----
Most recovering addicts have a long history of dysfunctional and destructive relationships. Early in recovery, relationships are one of the leading causes of relapse. Although the Big Book of AA doesn’t offer guidelines on dating in recovery, addiction counselors strongly advise waiting until a person has achieved one year of sobriety.
Tanya Desloover, MA, CADCII, a marriage and family therapist intern at The Rose, a women-only addiction treatment center in Newport Beach, California, also recommends waiting one year.
“It is commonly recommended in the recovery community to avoid romantic relationships for the first year, because most of us are just beginning to get to know ourselves and to define our values,” Desloover says. “We have to learn to love ourselves before we can love someone else.”

Nuudawn

I too grinned when I saw the subject line Ache. Be prepared. Be courageous..look at this as a sober adventure..be you..be real..be the awesome young man you are. You have soooooooo much to offer. Please don't hide...please, please, please don't hide your light. Everyone is nervous with new people/situations..and alot quell it with alcohol..but don't take the coward's way out. The first 20-30 minutes you will feel awkward and uncomfortable (that is freakin' normal!!!!)..but it PASSES..it does. Be strong soldier. You can do this. Be you...please, please, please..be you.

ScottFromWI

Taking the initiative to get out there is definitely commendable Ach - as you've posted before about your social anxiety/fears and previously needing alcohol to do so in the past.

Having said that, if you have any doubt whatsoever that going out will lead to driniking i'd just cordially decline the offer. Or make sure that your plans only include places that have no alcohol available.

You have been doing great and you don't want to lose what you've worked so hard for just to talk to a girl.

Leshar

Hi A, I agree with some other responses, go to a cool cafe, or ice cream place, definitely not a bar, anywhere alcohol is served.
I would make that suggestion to her when you see her, rather than asking where she would like to go, because then she might suggest a bar, and you might become anxious having to give reasons why you don't want to do that.

I'd keep it light, I wouldn't get into a discussion about your sober journey, just my opinion, so much else to talk about!

Have a nice time!

Acheleus

Thanks guys. The rain cleared so maybe I can see if she wants to walk around the nature center and then get ice cream. It will be like damn sixth grade again. Also something has been bugging me. My dad is a controlling alcoholic and he yells at me for going to see a counselor and psychiatrist about my depression. He keeps jabbering away for me to come down to his house and see a family doctor there. My counselor made me realize how messed up my parents lives have been, and she said it would be best for me and my sobriety to stay away from my dad. But he is the only family I have and he will not leave me alone. Maybe he is afraid of me becoming strong?

Soberpotamus

Yeah, I'd listen to your counselor regarding your Dad. My mom was like that, Acheleus. She had a way of pushing me down every chance she could, whenever I showed any sign of strength... I doubt she even realized she was doing it sometimes... so ingrained.

It's just crazy when the family closest to us doesn't have our best interest at heart.

It makes sense for you to see a doc where you live... you know? So you could tell your Dad, hey, thanks for the suggestion... but I need a doc close by.

Olive1

My mother has always been a controlling person in my life. The doctor who saved me told me that I would need to put some space between us if I wanted to recover. She and I got in a big fight when I was about two weeks out of rehab. We stopped talking for a few months. I think we inadvertantly set up a boundry between us, because when we finally started talking again and slowly seeing each other again, it was a different relationship. I love my mother more than anything, but if I hadn't had that six month break from her I might never would have continued my sobriety.
The boundries we set in the beginning were tall and wide, but the walls later began to slowly come down. We have a wonderful relationship now.

Acheleus

Thanks guys. Ohta and SJ my mother locked herself in her bedroom the day I left for college for the first time, then a few months later I asked her to send me booze because I couldn't buy any where I was and I got a box in the mail full of brandy, gin, whiskey...so yea I quit talking to her years ago, she never cared about me. My dad, he is very angry for some reason about me seeing a psychiatrist. "You are just wasting your money and you don't have any thing wrong with you. You don't need medicine for depression." So yea this is hard, plus he lives a block from the beach and I really want to see the ocean. Maybe some time later, I don't know. I start working in a few weeks and going to school so maybe just staying here and exercising, being sober, doing good things will help more than being around him and he drinks everyday anyway, he always has, and I don't need to be around a drunk. Why can't he be supportive in my attempt to get help for my alcoholism and depression? It makes him very angry and says it is a waste of money, but my life is worth more than any amount of money.

Acheleus

He even told me to list my permanent address at his house in Florida. I used to say I was going to kill myself if he tried to make me live with him. Sometimes I used to think of checking out just to get away from him, and I used to wish he would die. Man a drink sure sounds good right now...This really looking at how sick your parents were/are is stressful.

ScottFromWI

That's probably an impossible question to answer Ach. Can you give a definitive answer as to why you are an alcoholic?

There are probably many issues at work, and not many of them that you can change anyway. Your best bet is to work on your sobriety and find as much support as you can find, rather than worrying about those that won't support you for one reason or another. It's not easy to be sure, but it's in your best interest.

Anna

Walking and ice-cream sound perfect for a first date. It's casual and minimal pressure, just relax and enjoy. Be proud of your sobriety and be proud that you pushed yourself to go out with this young woman. Enjoy.

Soberpotamus

Breaking away from that dysfunctional connection with your parents... that is what you are doing. I am still doing it too. Even though my mom is dead now. "Joined at the hip" is a good expression to describe it.

You aren't him. He isn't you. Just remember that Keep doing what is good for you.

Acheleus

Yea I can tell he is scared when I tell him I don't want to be depressed or drink, he only cares about me not smoking. He drinks every day but used to yell at me for smoking. My counselor even said that was crazy. Oh and for the date I will see if she wants to go to a botanical garden and then ice cream. And I won't have to talk about sobriety.

Nuudawn

You are a reflection of him in his eyes..kind of what it sounds like to me. I am reminded of something Dr. Phil said that his father said "something about that boy I don't like about myself". He doesn't smoke... so you shouldn't. You are your own being...you're own man. Our relationships with our parents...hmmm...well...there's a whole lotta layers to that onion. Good for you for doing what's right for you.

Nuudawn

Oh I should add...just came from my therapist's office. When I told her I wanted to meet someone new...well, she was NOT supportive of the idea at all. She was with the camp of no new emotional/physical relationships until after at least 12 months of sobriety. She was pretty clear that I needed to figure out me and sobriety...and not be coming from a desperate lonely place when approaching relationships.

Had to say it. I'm bummed...but she's probably right..at least for me

Soberpotamus

Botanical garden sounds great... romantic too. And I doubt any girl would not want ice-cream.