Where to begin...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2
Where to begin...
I am married (married four years, together for 10) to an alcoholic. There, I said it.
He is not abusive, verbally or physically. The drinking has cost him more than one job (he has had 12 in the 10 years I have known him, and all together has not worked for about 3 of those years). I don't know exactly how many jobs were lost because of the drinking directly, because he is not honest about things like that.
He has two children from a previous marriage and his relationships with them are starting to suffer as a result of his drinking. His ex-wife has a court order that forbids him from drinking while he has the kids, but he violates it all of the time. His older child will not visit us or speak to my husband now because he violated that order (again, he already had to go to court once for this).
He drinks at least 12 beers a day, I say at least because I have to estimate the amount (yes, I try to keep track) because he buys singles at a liquor store close to work and drinks in his car while at work. He also drinks and drives on a daily basis. His younger child is with us right now, and he drank before taking them to play golf at 10 in the morning the other day. That is what prompted me to join this forum.
He is supposed to drive his child halfway home tomorrow to meet his ex. Even though he will be at work until they need to leave, at this point I have to assume that he will have consumed several beers before making the drive. I am a mother myself (two grown children from a previous marriage) and the thought that anyone would even consider letting someone drive one of my kids while under the influence makes me physically ill. So, once again, I will make an excuse for him and drive to meet his ex.
He spends all of his time in the garage when he is home, because that is the only place he can smoke. Any attempts I make to talk to him about the drinking, end in him storming out to the garage because I can't follow him due to my asthma.
I have no one to talk to about this anymore, because my friends and family don't want to hear about it if I'm not going to leave him. The only issue with that is that I still love him, and I can't give up on him.
My husbands family think that he is in recovery and that he hasn't had a drink in years, I have considered reaching out to them, but it would mean an immediate end to my relationship with my husband. And that makes me feel selfish, like I am choosing my own "happiness" over his well being.
Thanks for the opportunity to "verbalize" what I am going through. I have read many of the posts, and it does help to know that I am not alone.
He is not abusive, verbally or physically. The drinking has cost him more than one job (he has had 12 in the 10 years I have known him, and all together has not worked for about 3 of those years). I don't know exactly how many jobs were lost because of the drinking directly, because he is not honest about things like that.
He has two children from a previous marriage and his relationships with them are starting to suffer as a result of his drinking. His ex-wife has a court order that forbids him from drinking while he has the kids, but he violates it all of the time. His older child will not visit us or speak to my husband now because he violated that order (again, he already had to go to court once for this).
He drinks at least 12 beers a day, I say at least because I have to estimate the amount (yes, I try to keep track) because he buys singles at a liquor store close to work and drinks in his car while at work. He also drinks and drives on a daily basis. His younger child is with us right now, and he drank before taking them to play golf at 10 in the morning the other day. That is what prompted me to join this forum.
He is supposed to drive his child halfway home tomorrow to meet his ex. Even though he will be at work until they need to leave, at this point I have to assume that he will have consumed several beers before making the drive. I am a mother myself (two grown children from a previous marriage) and the thought that anyone would even consider letting someone drive one of my kids while under the influence makes me physically ill. So, once again, I will make an excuse for him and drive to meet his ex.
He spends all of his time in the garage when he is home, because that is the only place he can smoke. Any attempts I make to talk to him about the drinking, end in him storming out to the garage because I can't follow him due to my asthma.
I have no one to talk to about this anymore, because my friends and family don't want to hear about it if I'm not going to leave him. The only issue with that is that I still love him, and I can't give up on him.
My husbands family think that he is in recovery and that he hasn't had a drink in years, I have considered reaching out to them, but it would mean an immediate end to my relationship with my husband. And that makes me feel selfish, like I am choosing my own "happiness" over his well being.
Thanks for the opportunity to "verbalize" what I am going through. I have read many of the posts, and it does help to know that I am not alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Hello, Lilibrad-
Welcome to this forum! I myself joined only recently and you can definitely look forward to having people to talk to now! They understand. They care. They welcome people with open arms here. I love this forum. Not only is it great for getting things off of your chest and for offering encouragement and care to others , but also, it is eye opening and enlightening just to read about the variety of experiences, emotions and actions/reactions of everyone - active or recovering alcoholic, and their loved ones. It makes you think, it makes you see things. It is a great place to learn and grow.
Keep posting here. It helps.
Maybe call the cops on him for drunk driving with the license plates. Can you bring them to the ex, is that possible? I hate doing things for my AH (alcoholic husband), but it's different when kids are involved.
Do you communicate with his ex at all? Maybe you should.
Others will be along to offer better advice I'm sure, as I've not been in your situation.
Again, welcome to this wonderful forum.
Welcome to this forum! I myself joined only recently and you can definitely look forward to having people to talk to now! They understand. They care. They welcome people with open arms here. I love this forum. Not only is it great for getting things off of your chest and for offering encouragement and care to others , but also, it is eye opening and enlightening just to read about the variety of experiences, emotions and actions/reactions of everyone - active or recovering alcoholic, and their loved ones. It makes you think, it makes you see things. It is a great place to learn and grow.
Keep posting here. It helps.
Maybe call the cops on him for drunk driving with the license plates. Can you bring them to the ex, is that possible? I hate doing things for my AH (alcoholic husband), but it's different when kids are involved.
Do you communicate with his ex at all? Maybe you should.
Others will be along to offer better advice I'm sure, as I've not been in your situation.
Again, welcome to this wonderful forum.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
In the meantime, I encourage you to have a look around and read up. There is a section at the top with what are called "stickies". They have a lot of great general information.
And remember, it's not a choice between your happiness over his well being. He is a grown man and HIS CHOICES are what is getting in the way of his well being.
I get the impression that you blame yourself and let him blame you for things that are not your personal responsibility. That is abusive of him if this is the case. And ultimately you are abusing yourself by accepting the blame for his problems.
Also accepting the blame for his issues doesn't hold him accountable or give him consequences.
Trust me I'm not judging you. I know it's hard, and sometimes just so that YOUR LIFE CAN RUN you pick up his slack. He's not working? Well, you have to pick up the slack or leave, right? Because you have bills! And leaving can be hard because you wonder how much of a chance should you give them.
Only you can decide.
When my AH blames his drinking on me, I remind him that he would be drinking whether I were here or not, and that he has been drinking for almost 20 years, with (by his account as well as his family) it going from social to too often to straight up alcoholism by his early 20's. He is in his mid 30's now and we have been married only since the end of December of last year.
And remember, it's not a choice between your happiness over his well being. He is a grown man and HIS CHOICES are what is getting in the way of his well being.
I get the impression that you blame yourself and let him blame you for things that are not your personal responsibility. That is abusive of him if this is the case. And ultimately you are abusing yourself by accepting the blame for his problems.
Also accepting the blame for his issues doesn't hold him accountable or give him consequences.
Trust me I'm not judging you. I know it's hard, and sometimes just so that YOUR LIFE CAN RUN you pick up his slack. He's not working? Well, you have to pick up the slack or leave, right? Because you have bills! And leaving can be hard because you wonder how much of a chance should you give them.
Only you can decide.
When my AH blames his drinking on me, I remind him that he would be drinking whether I were here or not, and that he has been drinking for almost 20 years, with (by his account as well as his family) it going from social to too often to straight up alcoholism by his early 20's. He is in his mid 30's now and we have been married only since the end of December of last year.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
This jumped out at me:
Explain about "his well being" and how you think you are taking care of that/controlling that/fixing that????
You don't CAUSE him to drink......as you know that is what destroyed his first marriage and is now destroying his relationship with his kids and you.
You can't CONTROL it.............making excuses for him and hiding the facts regarding his drinking.
You can't CURE him.......sometimes love is not enough, pity doesn't get them sober and feeling sorry for them and turning yourself into their only, only inprisons you.
Glad you found SR, hope you stick around, read the stickies and look into codependency and enabling the alcoholic. Finding an an-anon meeting woulsn't hurt you either.
((hugs))
And that makes me feel selfish, like I am choosing my own "happiness" over his well being.
You don't CAUSE him to drink......as you know that is what destroyed his first marriage and is now destroying his relationship with his kids and you.
You can't CONTROL it.............making excuses for him and hiding the facts regarding his drinking.
You can't CURE him.......sometimes love is not enough, pity doesn't get them sober and feeling sorry for them and turning yourself into their only, only inprisons you.
Glad you found SR, hope you stick around, read the stickies and look into codependency and enabling the alcoholic. Finding an an-anon meeting woulsn't hurt you either.
((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2
Thanks for the responses!
Thanks everyone for their responses! It really does help to know I am not alone.
What I meant by "putting my 'happiness' over his well being" is that I know if I told his parents the extent of his drinking, he would end up (at least temporarily) in a program of some kind. But that it would end my relationship with him. So, I feel like I am choosing to some extent to put a potential chance at recovery for him, behind my own desire to continue to have a life with him.
What I meant by "putting my 'happiness' over his well being" is that I know if I told his parents the extent of his drinking, he would end up (at least temporarily) in a program of some kind. But that it would end my relationship with him. So, I feel like I am choosing to some extent to put a potential chance at recovery for him, behind my own desire to continue to have a life with him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Seattle WA
Posts: 134
Just wanted to say I can empathize with you, myself being with my addict/alcoholic husband for 15 years and still not able/ready to leave....always thinking that some way some how the madness of addiction will just vanish...hugs to you.
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