sadielady

I just read this quote on fb and it is something I've been thinking a lot about, as I know how much I love being in a close relationship and am purposefully not going to date for a while, and focus on myself after just ending things with my exABF. I know there is strength in solitude, and a huge opportunity for growth, and I don't need to be *alone* because of good friends, and can really recharge and learn and heal before engaging in love with a man again.



“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.”
~Bell Hooks

It seems this is a theme for a bunch of other posters -- I'm enjoying so much learning from all of you and getting support, and wanted to share in case this resonates with any of you like it does for me.

alia

You have it right on the money - you need time to heal and process what you experienced. Being alone does not mean being in isolation. It means being able to stand on your own two feet so that you are not always leaning on others. That way, when someone comes into your life, you can not only analyze if it is a healthy relationship, but you won't be scared to walk away if it isn't. Too often we look for validation from others and define ourselves according to their beliefs. Love yourself!

DreamsofSerenity

That is an awesome quote, Sadie, and SO true.

I had to change how I thought about being alone. The fact that my ex keeps accusing me of seeing someone else, and being incapable of being alone, made it easier for me--I've got the motivation to prove him wrong. Honestly, I am proud to be alone because I am finally giving myself the space I need to do some healing.

I'm glad SR is giving you comfort and support. You are a wonderful addition here.

Argnotthisagain

Great post, sadielady!

I'm a lovejunkie...seems the only time I feel happy and safe is if I have someone, even have some crumbs that I can build a fantasy around.

I've worked on this stuff before but now I guess I get to go deeper and change some of the really deep fears and behaviors....

The insights I get from the conversations here, and the support and safety.....priceless

BoxinRotz

I'm getting a CRASH COURSE in being alone right now.

I think it p!ssed me off to know my A-hole was coming home yesterday because truthfully... I'm not ready for him. I think he's coming home tomorrow though.

sbrchk

Thanks...sure is a subject I think we're all familiar with. As im letting go of old relationships. ...I can't talk about letting go of love...im lucky enuf to have kept my husband thru all...thank god! But being alone more after giving up my bar buddies. Being alone more has made me be able to think clearly, listen to my true inner feelings and reflect on what it is I really want! I hope that you find the same

DreamsofSerenity

Arg, I was total love junkie too! I still can't watch romantic movies or read anything with a love story in it because I get really triggered.

I've always used love as a drug--for the high and the escape--but when I was younger the relationships were more sane, and I could pretend to myself more easily that I didn't have a problem. Then I got into the harder stuff (abusive guys) until I got to the point where I guess I just bottomed out. My last guy did me in. I never want to be that hurt again.

Being a love junkie has really screwed my life up. The amount of energy I have poured into relationships instead of into myself is staggering. So it does make me feel good to be focusing on myself now. I'm not used to it but for once, I'm not ashamed of myself.

BlueEyes68

I am a recent widow and have to remind myself that the healthier and more content I am alone...the better partner I will be to someone decent later. I have to stay away from unhealthy relationships and lowering my standards so that I'm not alone. It's tough sometimes. I need to develop ways to have fun without a male companion.

BoxOfRocks

I'm re-learning how to be alone again too. Funny, when I am single it is easy to be alone--but when I am in a relationship, being alone feels like torture. That's the codie in me talking I'm sure. There's a great Youtube video called "How to be alone" by Andrea Dorfman/Tanya Davis. I can't post links yet but it's an awesome poem/video...really speaks to me right now.

izzyrose05

Argnotthisagain....."Lovejunkie" Awesome! I'm so addicted to being in love as well. Hard as heck for me to do this alone thing. Thanks for giving me yet another name for my long list of fabulous dyfunctions. Muahhhhh

Sadielady.... I imagine many of us are taking the same healing journey you are. Nice to know we have supportive friends in the process!!

Rosiepetal

We come into this world alone & we leave it alone.
Being alone is a part of life.

Hammer

Dunno.

I do not see so much for it. The alone stuff, that is.

I guess my view sort of matches this one . . .

You may likely know the source.

"It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion for him who corresponds to him."

I am just thinking some of us are trying to partners out of the wrong product.

AnvilheadII

next month hank leaves for his home state for a week or so to visit family and be in his buddy's wedding......I will stay here and take care of the house and the dogs. AND I CAN'T WAIT. we get along fine, great in fact, joined at the hip for 11 years....but good god almighty I look forward to the hurricane known as hank being away for a week.

I love my alone time in the car during my commute. I've taken up audiobooks to listen on my ever lengthening commute, my own little universe.

alone does not mean lonely. we can be lonely WITH someone. in a crowded room. lonely means need. alone means independence.

fluffyflea

It,s important to know how to be alone and happy.

jerect

I divorced my ex 7 months ago.. Before him I was married for nine years to another jerk.. I maybe spent three months between those two relationships and felt like I was going to jump out of my skin because I didn't like being alone.. Ironically when I was married to my second husband ( the addict ) I was alone and there is nothing worse then being with someone and being alone...

So here I am now 7 months out of a marriage and this is the longest I've gone without being in a relationship and I hope to keep the record going for a while.. Yes it's uncomfortable at times but mostly it's my time to heal and regroup and to get myself healthy again so that when the time is right and if the time is ever right, I will attract healthy people into my life...

For the first time in 20 years I'm learning to love myself and not to seek out validation and reassurance from others...

Not2Old2Learn

I have learned (albeit the hard way) that I'd much rather be alone by myself then feel alone while with someone else. That's the worst in my opinion. I often felt alone when with my XABF and it hurt a lot.

Argnotthisagain

Yep...the amount of energy poured into r-ships.....
Thanks, Dreams, for talking about it.....
It's not easy to deal with. The emptiness is just overwhelming sometimes.

Yes, it IS true that facing my reclusiveness and all is what I need to do. I actually was single for 7 years, and with my reclusiveness and misery, I'm afraid. I don't want another 7 years of being alone! I'm 55 now!! I'm already undesirable. (I don't have the slightest idea of "loving yourself". Will definitely talk to the therapist about that.)

Ugh......Sure am looking forward to my new therapist getting back from vacation. Until she does, I'm trying my best to work on myself on my own.

There's no chance of attracting someone decent when you're so screwed up about not having anyone.

Also, it just occurred to me---everyone has a hard time losing love. Even if it was a very screwed up love, if it ended and we still loved that person, still clung to hope, then it's really painful.

One thing I really need to do is, I have got to shift my thoughts on being alone...Hopefully, I'll have more success with that once the Prozac kicks in.

I hate to say it, but I AM ashamed of myself for being soooo pathetic about it. I know everyone who knows me thinks I'm pretty pathetic and for godssake wasn't that over a long time ago?? Why are you still.....blah. blah. blah.


sigh. OK. Just needed to whine incoherently for a bit, I guess.....

THANK you Dreams....your awareness is kind of a target for me so I can see where I'm trying to go.

Hammer

Would not just not choosing Alkies/Addicts be the simpler, saner path?

Argnotthisagain

Yeah, Not2Old2Learn........I know what you mean here. It DID feel awful when he was raging, and later, it became horrible and threatening and lonely almost all the time.
I was miserable towards the end with him....I know that because I wrote it out and screamed and cried into my journal.

But, that awareness goes right out the window when all I want is for the pain of loneliness and affection-hunger to stop.... I feel like those little monkeys in the experiment who had a choice of food/wire mesh to hang onto, or no food/warm cloth "mother" to "hold" them.

Trying once again to let go and trust the process, the Universe...... OK, going to bed and NOT bringing the laptop to bed with me!!! HA!

A dear friend is coming over tomorrow and we will hang out. So, I AM doing some good things for myself every day.

EverHopeful721

^^^^^Yes, exactly THIS!!! Thank you, Dreams, for posting such a helpful, insightful description of my love life up to four and a half months ago - you hit the nail on the head!!