walkingwithgod

Today is day 106, and intimacy has been nonexistent with my wife. I know that she is learning to believe in me again, but how can I get over the frustration. Does anyone have any advice? I love my wife, and feel bad that my alcoholism forced her to be so independent that it seems that she got used to being emotionally alone.

MeSoSober

Have you sat down and had a heart-to-heart with her about this? Told her in a completely non-accusatory way how you feel and how you fear that your alcoholism has put her at a distance but that you want to be close to her emotionally and physically again? Billy Joel was right on when he said "TELL HER ABOUT IT."

I say TALK to her -- I think communication is key to being -- or getting -- intimate again. Good luck!

mfanch

In my house, couples counseling started immediately after I finished treatment. Intimacy started creeping back in around 9 month sober. We are celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary on Aug 2. It takes a lot of work and a lot of time. Give time, time.

walkingwithgod

We are both 35, and we are rebuilding our relationship. We talk about the issue, but I still feel that she is somewhat resentful of how I was when I was drinking. I was just a jerk, and not very attentive. She says that she has forgiven me for putting drinking first, but I guess it takes time to get the trust back.

BlueSkiesAhead

Hello WWG,
I struggle with this as well. I have worked the steps and #8 and 9 deal with making amends when possible to all we have harmed, but once the damage has been done it is very difficult to get the trust and respect back in a relationship. As addicts we cannot guarantee we remain sober, at least that is where I struggle. I have gone as long as 10 years sober, only to lose all of it. I am on about 6 weeks now after having gone 9 months, and trouble in the relationship seemed to set me off after 9 months. I am committed, and working a program, but I cannot seem to ever regain that trust, respect and intimacy again. My partner is bitter, and very resentful, often abusive verbally, and not real supportive/understanding of my recovery. I may need to worry about myself only? I need direction here, because I struggle with this everyday. My partner cannot move forward, and forgive me, even though I have tried repeatedly. The 9 months sober meant nothing to her, nothing. I was married to the gal I was with when I maintained 10 years sober, and that remains the best time of my adult life.
I could use some guidance here as well. Congratulations on 106 days. That will be the key for you regaining the trust in your relationship. I agree with MeSoSober above, communication is the best approach,and it should make your bond even stronger. It did not for me, I continually had my shortcomings and imperfections pointed out to me, while I maintained sobriety for 9 months. I believe I just need a different supportive partner, and for now, remain committed to my sobriety. Any suggestions?
Thank You.

Lionhearted1

Do you not think that we are too hard on ourselves?? you was sober 10 years wow and then 9 months well done, if a womem can not trust you or forgive you when you are trying to be the best you can be LEAVE HER and find a partner that will.

Iam tired off always hearing how bad and sick and diseased alcoholics are, how perfect the partners are!! everybody has issues!!!!

Trust me you could be a lot worse a person that just being an alcoholic.... lots of people are addicted to all sorts of bad & strange things when they stop they are heroes when an alcoholic stops he is doomed to drink again he is still a dry drunk or has some malady etc etc.....

when I stop drinking iam no longer an alcoholic..... SIMPLE!

Anna

I'm glad you talked to her, but the result is that you think she is still resentful? That could be. If so, I'm sorry that this is happening. How about if you start of slowly by making some small, romantic gestures, with no strings attached. Try focusing on showing her your love and appreciation. Hopefully the physical intimacy will be a follow-on.

Threshold

I have mixed feelings about this. On both sides of the issue?

Well, what does a marriage vow mean? Sickness and in health?

My ex divorced me because he didn't want to deal with my mental illness issues...said he hadn't signed on for them. Those are his exact words.

My now BF has been sober three months and our sex life is non existent...because HE doesn't want to be intimate...so...if I walk out then I'm the non understanding bad guy who doesn't want to give a recovering alky the benefit of the doubt and room to recover...

I'm a recovering alky too...

So, what is love? What do we deserve in life? in relationships?

I just watched a couple I am friends with go through the wringer. After a three year battle with cancer the husband passed away. I am quite sure there was no sex going on there for a long time...but physical intimacy...oh yes, she took care of his dying body for many many months in the most intimate of ways.

We want someone to have our back...but are we willing to return the favor? Is sex a sacred area unto itself?

106 days of no sex...I wonder how many times our partners experienced 106 consecutive days of no....all sorts of things that are critical to the health of a relationship.

I don't think there is an answer to this. It's whatever silent "contract" the couple has made with one another. Whatever personal priorities each of us has.

Alcoholism or lack there of is never the only issue, on either side.

sober4myboys

I am a year sober but husband still drinks. He is great and understanding when sober but when he is drinking he is just flat a jerk. Lately he seems to be sober more often and there is not an intimacy problem when he is, but when he drinks I want him as far away from me as possible.

Maybe she had felt that way for so long, the stay away because your drunk feeling, that she hasn't learned that it is okay again. Maybe she is afraid that you will go back to drinking again and doesn't want to set herself up for hurt by getting back into a healthy routine?

I don't know but like an above poster said, communication is key. Tell her what you told us with the hopes of her understanding.

Nuudawn

I agree that talking with her is your best option. It is possible that her intimacy issue is an issue of her own...and has little to do with your drinking or recovery. I know that when I have struggled with depression or unacceptance of myself..I don't feel too sexual. Often those who love addicts have to face their own recovery as their are reasons they fall for the emotionally unavailable (which most of us are when using). Counselling would be dollars well spent. My two pennies..

walkingwithgod

We talk about it, but nothing happens. I think that she got so used to not wanting to because I was drunk, that she just doesn't think about it. I am doing the best I can, but I guess more time is needed.

walkingwithgod

I am in therapy, FYI. My wife is also a Super Career Woman and Mom, and I think that has something to do with it. I just stopped trying to initiate any activity sexually as I am always denied. I buy her flowers once a week, cook, clean, but I need to be a better husband emotionally.

Threshold

(((((Hugs)))))

Part of my pain associated with my boyfriend being uninterested in intimacy is that I need to feel loved, attractive, close, bonded. So I know this is NOT just that you want to get off.

I too am the one who cooks, cleans, brings him little surprises etc etc. Am I trying to buy love? I feel like I am trying to express love and getting turned down hurts worse than not "going there" at all. So I have stopped "going there", in that I no longer suggest making love. I still show my love other ways. But I still resent it at times. And it hurts so badly at times that I have to go into another room, blink back my tears and regroup.

upandup

Well, the suggestion for single newly sober people is to wait a year before getting involved. That's without having to clean up a relationship. How many actually wait that long, I don't know. I wonder if there's a length of time for couples?