Setting limits
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4
Setting limits
About 6 weeks ago I discovered my spouse has been smoking crack since last August. She has been emptying her retirement account to pay for her habit.
I feel I need to set some limits for her while encouraging her to get into a program.
I'd like any feedback on these ideas --
No bail if she's arrested for DUI
Not allowed to use our joint CC account or checking account, she must have her own instead.
Not allowing crack in my car or house (I know she hides stuff in the house and I can't handle the stress of trying to find it). There's probably more than one hiding place anyway.
She says she'll quit when her money runs out. I'm afraid she'll start dipping into our joint resources or selling her jewelry etc. I'm the only one with income and in my job I can't afford even a suspicion of drug use to fall on me.
She insists on trying to quit on her own. We agreed on a time limit of no more than 8 weeks. If she hasn't quit by then she goes for inpatient treatment. Of course she may refuse when the time comes, or simply lie.
Suggestions??" I'm at my wits end. And I'm afraid she will end up in a very bad way because I'm not willing to spend the rest of my life supporting a crack head.
I feel I need to set some limits for her while encouraging her to get into a program.
I'd like any feedback on these ideas --
No bail if she's arrested for DUI
Not allowed to use our joint CC account or checking account, she must have her own instead.
Not allowing crack in my car or house (I know she hides stuff in the house and I can't handle the stress of trying to find it). There's probably more than one hiding place anyway.
She says she'll quit when her money runs out. I'm afraid she'll start dipping into our joint resources or selling her jewelry etc. I'm the only one with income and in my job I can't afford even a suspicion of drug use to fall on me.
She insists on trying to quit on her own. We agreed on a time limit of no more than 8 weeks. If she hasn't quit by then she goes for inpatient treatment. Of course she may refuse when the time comes, or simply lie.
Suggestions??" I'm at my wits end. And I'm afraid she will end up in a very bad way because I'm not willing to spend the rest of my life supporting a crack head.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
Four corners, welcome to SR. I feel you are on the right track., of setting boundaries to protect yourself. Unless she really wants to quit nothing will happen and there is nothing you can do about it. My experience is that an addicts promises don't mean anything. If anything, You need to increase the urgency in protecting your self financially and get support for your self.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 152
FourCorners, *to me* 8 weeks seems like a really long time for her to try and quit on her own. Now. Immediately. Seems a more appropriate time frame if she truly wants to quit.
I don't know much about crack except it is very addictive, is a person able to stop without withdrawal? Is this a viable plan?
I am glad you're protecting yourself financially and anything that may affect your job/career. Would she be opening up her own bank account for this specific behavior? (sorry, not sure if that is what you meant)
Four Corners, even though I am really new to all of this too, this site has such wealth of voices and experiences to help support and guide you, and your wife if/when she is ready.
I don't know much about crack except it is very addictive, is a person able to stop without withdrawal? Is this a viable plan?
I am glad you're protecting yourself financially and anything that may affect your job/career. Would she be opening up her own bank account for this specific behavior? (sorry, not sure if that is what you meant)
Four Corners, even though I am really new to all of this too, this site has such wealth of voices and experiences to help support and guide you, and your wife if/when she is ready.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Welcome to SR, although I'm sorry about what brings you here. I know you asked about limits, but I'd suggest you first think about boundaries for yourself. What will you or won't you tolerate? Try to take the focus off her, and put it back on you.
Change: "She can't keep her drugs in the house" to "I won't live in a house with drugs"
You can't control what she does - you can only control what you do.
It doesn't sound like she's ready to stop, yet. You can accompany her on her journey to hell, or get some help for yourself instead. I'd really encourage you to go to AlAnon or NarAnon for support. The meetings, the program, and the people I've met there have saved my sanity...particularly during the times my son is active in his addiction.
Change: "She can't keep her drugs in the house" to "I won't live in a house with drugs"
You can't control what she does - you can only control what you do.
It doesn't sound like she's ready to stop, yet. You can accompany her on her journey to hell, or get some help for yourself instead. I'd really encourage you to go to AlAnon or NarAnon for support. The meetings, the program, and the people I've met there have saved my sanity...particularly during the times my son is active in his addiction.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR....there is so much collective wisdom here.
Unfortunately, you are bargaining with addiction. And addiction doesn't play fair. But this may be something that you have to experience for yourself.
There are a couple of very popular sayings in Nar-Anon and here on SR......
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
-and-
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
What I have learned about dealing with addiction is that I cannot change another person, I can only change myself. I can't simply bargain with the addict and expect them to do what I tell them to do. It ticks them off...they go more covert and I'm left frustrated.
Addiction is like nothing else.....it defies logic. We can't "out-think" it.
I hope you stick around. Read. Participate. Learn.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Unfortunately, you are bargaining with addiction. And addiction doesn't play fair. But this may be something that you have to experience for yourself.
There are a couple of very popular sayings in Nar-Anon and here on SR......
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
-and-
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
What I have learned about dealing with addiction is that I cannot change another person, I can only change myself. I can't simply bargain with the addict and expect them to do what I tell them to do. It ticks them off...they go more covert and I'm left frustrated.
Addiction is like nothing else.....it defies logic. We can't "out-think" it.
I hope you stick around. Read. Participate. Learn.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 81
Hello FourCorners,
Sorry to hear you're dealing with this. It's great that you've come here for advice. You're in a very tough spot right now and you're going to need support to get through it.
So your spouse is smoking crack? Mine did too. I spent 6 years of my life going broke. Financially, emotionally and spiritually broke. That's where I was when I finally reached my bottom.
One day, She alone will have to realize that she is powerless over crack. She wont quit when hers, or even your money runs out. My partner didn't, instead she sold her body. She wont stop because some self imposed time limit runs out. What after the 2 months are up she's going to put it down? When ever my partner set a time limit, come dead line she would go nuts with the drug as though it were her last days on earth.
Crack is such a disturbingly powerful drug.
Your job here is to take care of you. Your emotional, physical, financial and spiritual well being. In my opinion that's what is most important here. You are powerless over her addiction, her whole being, just as she is powerless over crack. You can set limits and rules for her. It may bide your time but most likely it will only prolong the agony of your situation. Addiction is an animal that doesn't respect or follow limits and rules. It attacks them in an effort to stay alive.
"I'm afraid she will end up in a very bad way because I'm not willing to spend the rest of my life supporting a crack head."
I lived in that fear for a very long time. When I did finally decide that I was ready to let go, and get out of her way, she hit her own bottom very quickly in a very bad way. As hard as it was for me to see it was where she needed to go.
You're standing in front of a freight train and your best bet may be to get off the tracks.
Sorry to hear you're dealing with this. It's great that you've come here for advice. You're in a very tough spot right now and you're going to need support to get through it.
So your spouse is smoking crack? Mine did too. I spent 6 years of my life going broke. Financially, emotionally and spiritually broke. That's where I was when I finally reached my bottom.
One day, She alone will have to realize that she is powerless over crack. She wont quit when hers, or even your money runs out. My partner didn't, instead she sold her body. She wont stop because some self imposed time limit runs out. What after the 2 months are up she's going to put it down? When ever my partner set a time limit, come dead line she would go nuts with the drug as though it were her last days on earth.
Crack is such a disturbingly powerful drug.
Your job here is to take care of you. Your emotional, physical, financial and spiritual well being. In my opinion that's what is most important here. You are powerless over her addiction, her whole being, just as she is powerless over crack. You can set limits and rules for her. It may bide your time but most likely it will only prolong the agony of your situation. Addiction is an animal that doesn't respect or follow limits and rules. It attacks them in an effort to stay alive.
"I'm afraid she will end up in a very bad way because I'm not willing to spend the rest of my life supporting a crack head."
I lived in that fear for a very long time. When I did finally decide that I was ready to let go, and get out of her way, she hit her own bottom very quickly in a very bad way. As hard as it was for me to see it was where she needed to go.
You're standing in front of a freight train and your best bet may be to get off the tracks.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
So very sorry you are going thru this.....
Kind Eyes said it best ^^^^ (above)
Whatever seems perfectly logical to you.....will not work with an addict.
Addicts have "time" misperception.....ie: they always think they have more time to do
XYZ and that includes putting off sobriety.
8 weeks means she will wait 8 weeks and 4 days and then come up with a string of excuses as to why she needs to keep using.
When my husband became addicted to prescription pain pills I moved all of the money to an account in my name only.
I moved all of the valuables (jewelery,etc) to a safety deposit box in my name only.
Larger items.....I put in a storage unit...in my name only.
In short....I protected everything I possibly could. I did it quietly....and methodically....and I did NOT share with him that I was doing it.
The progression in addiction can happen in the blink of an eye....that is the moment when they go from, what looks like "managing" their use.....to where the wheels have totally fallen off the bus and they are like crazed beings....the drug, it's use....and obtaining it is the only thing that matters.
They can clean out a joint bank account in one fell swoop. Leaving you with $-0-
and they won't care....because they have what they need.
It is really sad....but it will end up like a tornado swept thru your house, your finances and your physical, mental and spiritual well being....
Options:
you can go to the root cellar....or you can stand on the front porch and watch it.
Kind Eyes said it best ^^^^ (above)
Whatever seems perfectly logical to you.....will not work with an addict.
Addicts have "time" misperception.....ie: they always think they have more time to do
XYZ and that includes putting off sobriety.
8 weeks means she will wait 8 weeks and 4 days and then come up with a string of excuses as to why she needs to keep using.
When my husband became addicted to prescription pain pills I moved all of the money to an account in my name only.
I moved all of the valuables (jewelery,etc) to a safety deposit box in my name only.
Larger items.....I put in a storage unit...in my name only.
In short....I protected everything I possibly could. I did it quietly....and methodically....and I did NOT share with him that I was doing it.
The progression in addiction can happen in the blink of an eye....that is the moment when they go from, what looks like "managing" their use.....to where the wheels have totally fallen off the bus and they are like crazed beings....the drug, it's use....and obtaining it is the only thing that matters.
They can clean out a joint bank account in one fell swoop. Leaving you with $-0-
and they won't care....because they have what they need.
It is really sad....but it will end up like a tornado swept thru your house, your finances and your physical, mental and spiritual well being....
Options:
you can go to the root cellar....or you can stand on the front porch and watch it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
former crackhead here...there ARE no limits with crack. here's what she heard out of the entire thing....SMOKE ON. she WILL go thru all her money, she will access any and all of your money she can, she will pawn anything pawnable...the monster will GROW in 8 weeks. sounds like she's already smoking daily, has it in the house (you will NEVER find all the stash).
she's dealing with a very shady element to get her dope. these are not nice people. they've probably been to the house. or she's going off where crack addicts go....crack takes over the brain. and makes people do REALLY bizarre sh*t,
she's already in a bad way. and it WILL get worse.
she's dealing with a very shady element to get her dope. these are not nice people. they've probably been to the house. or she's going off where crack addicts go....crack takes over the brain. and makes people do REALLY bizarre sh*t,
she's already in a bad way. and it WILL get worse.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Originally Posted by FourCorners 
She says she'll quit when her money runs out.
She will take everything you have if you let her. And when you run out of resources she will find them somewhere else. Addiction is powerful, it can and will make her do things that you are absolutely certain she would never do. I'm sorry that you find yourself in this terrible circumstance, please protect yourself.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I agree with the others. Close your joint bank account, if you own cars or house, hide the tittles so she won t be to borrow against them behind your back and if you own any jewelry or valuables, get them to a safe place.
Also, you might want to consider checking Nar Anon out. It s a F2F support group for families of addicts.
Also, you might want to consider checking Nar Anon out. It s a F2F support group for families of addicts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4
New limits
Thanks to everyone for your input! I've followed some of it at least.
I closed one account and shut down her access to another. That got her attention and she agreed to a time limit to quit completely or else enter a residential program. I was disappointed that the deadline was 10 September, but I felt it was better than no agreement at all. Since then she has decided to quit "now", by which she means as soon as she has smoked everything possible out of the steel wool in her two pipes. I'm thrilled that she has decided to stop "now", but I'm concerned because she insists on getting every bit of high out of her resin and whatever crumbs of crack she may have lying around. She swears it will all be gone, and the pipes destroyed, before she sleeps again --however, that could be a day or two
.
She now realizes she looks like she just got out of a concentration camp. Her friends and I have been telling her that for months. At least I can feel fairly sure that she's quit if she starts gaining weight.
I closed one account and shut down her access to another. That got her attention and she agreed to a time limit to quit completely or else enter a residential program. I was disappointed that the deadline was 10 September, but I felt it was better than no agreement at all. Since then she has decided to quit "now", by which she means as soon as she has smoked everything possible out of the steel wool in her two pipes. I'm thrilled that she has decided to stop "now", but I'm concerned because she insists on getting every bit of high out of her resin and whatever crumbs of crack she may have lying around. She swears it will all be gone, and the pipes destroyed, before she sleeps again --however, that could be a day or two
.She now realizes she looks like she just got out of a concentration camp. Her friends and I have been telling her that for months. At least I can feel fairly sure that she's quit if she starts gaining weight.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
Sounds wonderful. I wish her well.
What do you do if/when she can't quit and needs a new future deadline?
In your first post you said no drugs in the house.
What will you do if she brings them back in?
If she does get them, how will she have paid for them?
Basically, will you be setting any meaningful boundaries or will there only be the threat of forced rehab?
What do you do if/when she can't quit and needs a new future deadline?
In your first post you said no drugs in the house.
What will you do if she brings them back in?
If she does get them, how will she have paid for them?
Basically, will you be setting any meaningful boundaries or will there only be the threat of forced rehab?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by BeavsDad
What do you do if/when she can't quit and needs a new future deadline? What will you do if she brings them back in? If she does get them, how will she have paid for them? Basically, will you be setting any meaningful boundaries or will there only be the threat of forced rehab?
I'm protecting myself by watching accounts like a hawk. Internet banking is wonderful for this. The banks don't care how many times a day you access your account info. The VISA people will let you let alerts for transactions of certain types or over certain amounts. And, they will actually let you LOWER your credit line; something I'm doing as I pay off remodeling debt.
Unfortunately, I can't take such measures with my credit union; they simply aren't available. So I watch closely. Short of deleting her from the account, that's all I can do there.
I still believe she can beat this because I've seen her do some very difficult things once she has decided she wants to. But that's the key -- she has to WANT to quit. She is totally dependent on me financially and the fact that I was willing to cut off her finances for even a short time scared her. Her worsening health and her emaciated appearance are scaring her and I think she is sincerely wanting to quit. BUT..... the proof will be what happens when the cravings get really bad in about 3 days or so. Will she be able to overcome, or will she give in? She is not only an addict, but bipolar, so I know the odds are bad. But I love her and have to give her the chance while looking out for myself at the same time. I won't let her ruin me should she fail, but she knows I have set limits and that a lawyer could well be the ultimate step if she does fail and refuses to go to treatment. I am prepared for that eventuality also should it become necessary.
As for her bringing drugs in the house, how would I know? There are so many places to hide it and I refuse to start looking. Short of bringing in a trained dog I'd likely never find it.
It's a crap shoot alright. I know the odds are against success, but I still have to try because I know she'll wind up on the street if I pursue a divorce.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by crazybabie
I hope she is serious but it sounds like she possibly got scared and is saying/doing what she feels she needs too right now to appease you while she figures her next step out.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
My husband has been in the hospital, and we have been looking at different rehabs and what they offer. I think you should start looking at what is out there because it is really confusing and I think it would be better if you had a lot of time to sort it all out. We have had a doctor here helping us, but it is a big decision.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 35
FourCorners- so sorry you are going through this. I am glad you managed to get her attention. Please keep reading here and believing what you read. It is easy to think that "my wife" or "my daughter" or whoever is different/stronger than other addicts. It certainly can happen that they can kick the habit themselves but it is exceptionally rare.
Hope for the best but by all means PREPARE for the worst. You have taken good first steps. The most important thing to realize is that you can't control her. No matter what you do or what restrictions you place, you can't control her. Only yourself. Saying that and really understanding it are two very big things. Believe me I know as a mom of an addict daughter.
I hope it doesn't come to lawyers and her being on the street, but you have to be emotionally preparing yourself for that possibility should it come to that. She'll be able to smell it if you aren't serious. And by all means, take BlueChairs advice because Rehab is really confusing and the insurance part of it is really confusing. If she should agree, you want to be ready to go ASAP.
I hope for the best for you and again, so sorry for your pain. You'll find lots of support here.
Hope for the best but by all means PREPARE for the worst. You have taken good first steps. The most important thing to realize is that you can't control her. No matter what you do or what restrictions you place, you can't control her. Only yourself. Saying that and really understanding it are two very big things. Believe me I know as a mom of an addict daughter.
I hope it doesn't come to lawyers and her being on the street, but you have to be emotionally preparing yourself for that possibility should it come to that. She'll be able to smell it if you aren't serious. And by all means, take BlueChairs advice because Rehab is really confusing and the insurance part of it is really confusing. If she should agree, you want to be ready to go ASAP.
I hope for the best for you and again, so sorry for your pain. You'll find lots of support here.
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