neddiesan

First I dont know if I am posting this is the right place but here goes. I have been sober from Alcohol for a little over a year. I had been sober for 6 years before that. Here is a recap of my last 2 years. My family moved to a new state and we thought I could try having a few drinks again to be more social. As I am a True Alcoholic it all revolved around and I was missing work, calling her names, and basically looking like a fool in front of my 7 yr old son, who had never seen daddy drink before. I ended up in a treatment center, and I see now it was more to save my job than true recovery. As you may have guessed, I relapsed 2 weeks after coming home. I ended up quitting my job before they fired me. My wife could not take anymore and moved back to her home town. I went and lived with my brother across the country. I was committed to recovery as I had essentially lost everything. After a little over a month sober I moved to be with her and our son. We discussed that she wasnt ready to live together again so I got a small apartment and got a good job. We moved back in together about 3 months later and I thought things were good. I was a little withdrawn and didnt go out much. But I wasnt drinking so I thought I was doing well. Last month she seemed a little down so I asked her what was wrong. She said "I love you but im not sure im "in love" with you". Extreme coldness ensued and I had to ask her to move out as I didn't feel comfortable living with someone who was so cold towards me. It was unreal. She went from "Love You's" to nothing. She said she needed some time to "find herself". She also told me that she has never forgiven me for "ruining" things where we used to live. Now I take care of our son and she sees him maybe once a week. Our son says he understands as daddy has gone away and always came back better. She deserves a little break but taking care of an 8 yr old for the first time by myself is very stressful to me. We never got counseling and I think that is where we screwed up.
My problem is that I am SO ANGRY with her. Even if she decides to come back how do I cope with the anger. I love her and will give her time but it's going on 2 months now and I don't know what to do to make things better. She shys away every time I try to talk to her about it. I don't know. I'm confused and I think about drinking a lot more now. Is this common for wives of recovering alcoholics?

neddiesan

Just to clarify I am angry because I feel like i'm doing everything I need to do to stay sober and now she decides to leave.

Carlotta

You were missing work, calling her names, drinking and acting nuts in front of her and she probably felt out of love with you. It's is quite difficult for a woman to get all romantic and intimate when she still remembers someone acting loud, stupid and belligerent, hardly prince charming material.
As you remain sober, things might work out and you might rekindle the spark or maybe not. It is what it is just keep working on your recovery and stay sober.

Are you in AA? If yes, have you worked your 4th step yet? Do you realize how abusive you were and how much you probably wounded her?

Soberpotamus

I think she has every right to be angry. And she has every right to leave. And I am saying this as the alcoholic in a marriage. If my husband had left, it would have been ok for him... as that is his choice, his right.

I don't understand your anger, however. And your wish to "give her time"... that doesn't make much sense, given what you did in the relationship as a result of your drinking.

That said, drinking certainly isn't going to change anything, and it will probably make things much worse and seal off any chances of repairing this relationship.

Is this common for the partner to leave? From what I hear, yes it is.

Anna

Of course she was angry. She married you and had a child with you and hoped for a normal life. And, she lost that hope. Bottom line, it sounds like too little, too late. Part of recovery is accepting things we cannot change, taking responsibility for the messes we made.

My suggestion is to stop focusing on her. You have plenty to deal with - a job, recovery and a child who needs your attention.

mfanch

Anger.

Taking the Steps took care of that for me. I would get a sponsor and get to work.

whipster

Get yourself better and give her some space. She may figure out that you are really back to being the person she loved.

You shouldn't be mad at her, she put up with a world of shyte. She doesn't know if you will suddenly relapse again. The only thing that will cure this situation is time and maybe some marriage counseling.