Writer74

I'm here because I am unsure if a friend of mine has a problem or not. Last week he came to my house to spend some time at the beach this summer. He brought his 4 year old son and his mother. His mother had to drive him because of a recent DUI which cost him his license.

I thought the weekend went pretty well. There wasn't any dramatic episodes that involved alcohol or anything, but he talked about it an awful lot. On the last day of his stay, we were going to see fireworks with all of us (me, my wife and 4 year old son, his mother, himself and his 4 year old son). At the last minute he decided he (and his mother) just wanted to relax and opted not to go... but he said it would be okay if I took his son along with us. I thought that was a little... rude, I guess.

When we got back, he'd been drinking the whole time with his mother and later after all went to bed aside from us, he told me he didn't go because he really just wanted to "tie one on." I figured okay, but weird.

I woke up early the morning they were supposed to leave because I forgot to take out my garbage and when I got outside (about 7:30 am), they we're all in the car and driving away. That came as a shock as I thought they would, you know, say goodbye and not sort of sneak out so early.

Anyway, I sent him a text thanking him for coming and said he was welcome back anytime. A day later he responded thanking me but pointing out that my wife was very anti-social toward him and his mother. I found that incredibly rude and off the mark entirely. I have not responded yet. Mainly because I'm not sure if all this is stemming from this problem he may have (and his mother).

We've been friends for over 20 years now, but grew apart when I went to college. I've been steadily progressing in my career and personal life while he's languished through bouts of unemployment and failed relationships. We just grew apart I suppose.

Just wondering if this all sounds familiar with a person who may have an alcohol problem.

Thanks.

Writer74

I should also point out that he recently completed a stint in rehab for opiate abuse (Oxycontin). I noticed him taking some prescription to manage it.

fedupbeyondall

I would say my first reaction would be, if you have to ask the question you already know the answer. Sounds like he was trying to play the, "poor pitiful me" routine a lot of people on this forum are all to familiar with.

FireSprite

It's impossible to guess something like this, but I would say that you obviously felt that something was "off" so whether he is or isn't an addict is kind of irrelevent. Point is - if he has acted in a way that you find unacceptable then it's unacceptable regardless of the reasons. It sounds like he was rude to your family & somehow accuses you of the same. Skipping fireworks on a National holiday & sending your 4-yr old with relative strangers so that you can tie one on? Yeah, something isn't "right" about that, IMO.

Based on this tiny bit of info, I'd lean toward addiction being at least part of the problem (especially since he had a stint in rehab recently) and limit the time I spend with this person.... but that's me.

Writer74

I honestly do not know the answer. I have zero experience with this kind of stuff.

Writer74

I'm not sure if I would classify it as irrelevant. If he was just being an ass, then I would write him off. If there is something underlying here, then I would at least consider handling it in a different manner. He is a friend of 20 years and if it's not him being rude (whether self-inflicted or not) - then I think I have an obligation to do a little more.

I don't know if that makes sense, but it did when I wrote it.

Florence

The spidey senses are tingling!

Agreed. I wouldn't respond to the email and I would just make the decision not to invite him back. He was distant, accusative, and rude to the host. Addiction or not, he sounds like a crappy houseguest.

But because you asked, yes, it sounds like he has a problem. And if he's been through rehab for prescription drugs, he has no doubt been told to quit drinking for life. Once you've crossed the line from "likes to party" to "needs rehab to manage fallout of decisions made while high" there's really no backtracking to "just hanging out with some beers."

Basically he used you for a babysitter so he could get loaded, which he would have otherwise been on the hook for morally since he was supposed to be hanging out with his son and family friends. A thing to understand about addiction is that the addiction is eventually besides the point. That's his to manage. The question for us friends and family members is: What will you tolerate in your relationship with him?

FireSprite

I get what you are saying, but WHY do YOU have an obligation to help him, exactly?

IMO - Someone who has been through rehab already isn't stumbling blindly unaware through addiction, he has MUCH greater awareness than you probably realize.

Writer74

Interesting. I remember talking to him on the phone a few days after he left rehab. I asked him if he was drinking (not in general, but right then as I was talking to him). He said he was. I asked if he was supposed to be drinking (again, did not know the answer to that). He said it was fine and that he was permitted.

Guess that was a lie.

Writer74

You're right. I worded that poorly. I don't feel like I have an obligation to do so - I suppose that it is something I would want to do. At least once.

FireSprite

I would urge you, strongly, to reconsider that opinion unless this is someone that you love very, very deeply. And even then, stop & consider again. This is not an easy task or a path filled with gratitude and love.....

The good news is that you've stumbled into one of the most amazing forums filled with unbelievable amounts of information & experience. Before you consider your obligations (or lack thereof ) read around this forum, especially the stickies at the top of the page.... there is SO MUCH knowledge being shared here.

I thought I knew a LOT about alcoholism & addiction when I found this place but I found that I barely knew enough to scratch the surface. You may decide that this is a battle you want to avoid instead of volunteering for.

Writer74

So it looks like the consensus is to just cut ties and forget it happened - without another word. Avoidance. Is that the best option? How is anyone to know the cause of the strife and separation if there is no communication on it?

Florence

If you're not that close anymore, the most I would say is that the weekend kind of sucked, you were shocked at his behavior and worried about his health. And not to call you until he's clean and sober. I'd keep it that simple and uninvolved, yes.

atalose

Given the facts you presented, DUI, rehab, prior pill addiction that YES in fact there is a problem…..HIS PROBLEM.

If only there were MORE then offering positive support for recovery that we could do for our loved ones and friends who suffer from addiction, but there is not.

You were kind, you allowed him and his family to stay in your home yet his behavior upon leaving was not nice or appreciative. Neither was placing any kind of blame on your wife for HIS behavior.

If this were me, I wouldn’t be opening up my home and family to this person any time soon again.

I also wouldn’t text him back regarding his ill statement…… active addicts have no logic and it’s a waste of your energy.

You may have known him for 20 years but you both walk down different paths in life and sometimes when those paths cross, feeling get hurt…….cause that’s what addicts do.

SparkleKitty

Well, there is already a little bit of not-being-quite-upfront going on here, as you've described it. Despite his rude and questionable behavior during the visit, you texted him to welcome him back any time. I wonder why you did that? Was the motive to truly welcome him back, or were you looking for a thank you? An apology? A deeper understanding of what's going on with him?

I can understand any of those motives except the first. If I find someone's behavior unpleasant while they are a guest in my home, I generally don't invite them back. Especially if they then proceed to complain about the hospitality they have taken advantage of. It wouldn't make much difference to me if they had an addiction problem or how long I had known them -- life's too short to spend time with people who, for all intents and purposes, don't appear to want to spend it with me.

If you would like to offer your support for anything he may or may not be going through, you could just do so directly. And you know, be prepared for him to not accept your offer, as is his right. In which case, you can move on with a clear conscience.

FireSprite

No one is saying that - but that is definitely the cleanest, fastest way to eliminate your involvement in something you have no control over.

You can certainly verbalize what your issues are, it's just very unlikely that he's going to cop to it & say, yeah, ok, I have a problem - I'll get help now.

Generally speaking it sends the addict into Defense Mode, starts breeding resentments on both sides & leads to a lot of circular talk where the addict will do anything to deflect the attention away from their DOC. (drug of choice) If this is someone you deal with every day, have an intimate relationship with, are related to, etc... then it's understandable why you would want to sign up for the discussion.

It's like signing up for a losing battle..... it works great if you go into it with zero expectations of any results, but otherwise, it is typically a colossal waste of energy for everyone involved.

You've already seen it in a teeny, tiny way.... you sent him a kind text letting him know he was welcome back & without mentioning any concerns and YET, he responded by blaming your wife for treating him badly.... likely because he ALREADY knew he had behaved poorly and needed to justify it out loud. Justify, deflect, ignore. It CAN'T be his fault in his mind, he HAS to assign blame.

Writer74

His behavior while he was here was odd, but it wasn't something that really got me angry. He's always been a bit of an eccentric, so I just take his oddities with a grain of salt. His comments about my wife were what really cut deep and I didn't get those until after I left the door open to other visits.

Writer74

Very, very interesting indeed.

Justfor1

His 4 year old probably wanted to watch the fireworks with his dad. Instead he "tied one on" with his mother. Plus, you saw him taking prescription meds??!! And then he sneaks off early in the morning. Yes, the guy probably does have a serious problem.

Writer74

By the reaction of his son, I honestly believe the child had never seen fireworks before.