Twofish

I'm a mom who has two beautiful girls involved in the drug world. They are 22and 19. I think this has been going on for 6 to 9 months. It started with stealing prescription Percocet, progressed to morphine. Now, I see on her cell phone the older one has been asking certain people (drug dealers?) for $50 & $60 bags and something called a "hundo". The older one has seemed to lost her mind, this weekend we discovered she has taken some of my checks and signed my name on them and says they're for utilities, when confronted, she went crazy, fighting, kicking biting, ending up taking my car. The police were involved. Both girls signature bonded out of jail and have a no contact order with myself, husband and the girls. I am crazy with worry, can't eat, sleep I cry and grieve all the time. The younger girl is looking up to the older one and just wants to please her sister. Tough love is tough on the victim as much as it is for the one who has gone astray. Friends, as a mom, I'm lost. Do I turn in the cell phone to the police, and risk my daughters safety or not mention the incriminating evidence to the authorities? What about rehab? Is this something we should ask her to do? She has almost finished her degree at Madison, so close. The DA has not called me yet to talk about it or what the charges will be. We feel so hopeless and helpless, but I do appreciate getting this all out. Please think about us and offer any advice you all who read this may offer to me. Fondly, two fish

honeypig

Welcome, twofish, from a neighbor in Wisconsin. So sorry for the situation you find yourself in, but glad you are here at SR.

You might like to try posting here Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information to see if you can get some more specific feedback. Don't miss the "stickied" posts at the top of the section; they have a lot of educational material, suggested reading, etc., to help you learn how best to handle things.

I have found a lot of help on this forum since I've been here and I hope you find the same. Wishing you some peace and clarity today, at some point.

Twofish

Thank you honey pig for such quick caring advice. Madison and the Fox cities have a Hugh pill problem and I fear my children have been sucked into it to ease any pain they are having in their lives. Two fish

Mizzuno

I am so sorry for what brought you here, but I am happy that you are here. I am an alcoholic, but I have dealt with all kinds of horrible behaviors regarding drugs from family, and friends.
Should you turn in the cell phone? I would. If you think that your daughters life is in danger, there is no better place than to be with Authorities that can protect her.
What about Rehab? You can ask your daughter (s) to go, but you can not force her. If she wants to be off of drugs, then she has to make the commitment/resolve for herself. If she does this for others, then she will resent you and probably go back out and use.
I would not allow my daughter to be in my life anymore from this point on until she gets clean. She would have to figure EVERYTHING out on her own. No housing, no school money, cut off the cell phones. No food. Nothing will be given. You need to protect yourself, and the rest of the family. She will need to figure out how to live her life, and it should not be on your dime. I would even take it a step further and press charges on the individual that stole my checks. Is that what the arrest was? Did you press charges? I am happy that you called the police.
Maybe she will come around, and stop using you, using in general, and realize that she has a loving family. I know you are hurting. I can empathize. The whole family will need help from this type of trauma. Are you familiar with Al-ANON? How about any type of therapy?
((HUG)) to you. Please keep posting. We can be here for you.

Twofish

Mazzino, such wonderful words of wisdom, thank you and I truly appreciate the advise and care. However, I find it so very hard to completely cut her off from me. This is my baby we are talking about. She is hungry, I feed her, she needs shelter, I provide it, she needs love, I give her my heart. God gave me these girls to protect, and somehow, without a clue drugs crept into her life. Maybe I'm not at the point yet to completely cut her off. Denial by myself is so overpowering. The evidence is there but my heart and mind question it. Yes she is charged with obstruction and taking a care without the owners consent, the younger girl is charged with obstruction so far. Her cell phone keeps going off with people asking her how much she wants (they obviously don't know I have the cell phone) they are digging themselves into a deeper hole. I want so much to respond to them in a painful MEAN way, but I haven't done so yet nor has the police contacted me (all the illegal activity involving the police happened 2 days ago) I know what everybody is thinking of me right now, that I am enablaizing her, but my denial that my perfect, smart child has a drug issue, see I can't even say addict. My pain is great, the tears flow like rivers. I know I must STOP this and see the reality of my situation, but its so new and I never suspected her. I know you are right Mizzuno, but this is my baby, my first born, my gift from God. Twofish

Twofish

Mizzuno, I did forget to tell you that everything you said about cutting her off and turning the cell phone into the police my husband, thru tears in his eyes, said the exact same thing. Let her figure things out, no more school money, housing, cell phone, food money, etc. I know you all are advising me correctly, but what is stopping me from doing so? And please what is a hundo, it's all over the cell phone conversations, I just need to know what this is from anyone who might be familular with the word. Thanks, twofish

Mizzuno

I hear you loud and clear. I understand that as a mother you need to be there for her. That does not mean that you need to take her abuse, that you need to be stolen from, that you need to watch her abuse drugs, become violent, and destroy her life, along with yours. Loving your daughter means that you do whatever it takes, right? Well, in this case whatever it takes may mean that you have to let her fall on her own, and not catch her when she does. It may mean, that you set up clear black and white boundaries. It may mean that if she wants to continue using, then you will not enable and she can use on her own, with her own money, own car, own cellphone. Child or not, your spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical health are being jeopardized. She is abusing these gifts that you are giving her.

visch1

I'm sorry for your situation and I understand your love and protection you feel. What Maxxino says is right on though so difficult. Alanon would be a good face to face place to go as they have "black belt experience" with all the BS parents get from addicts. It's hard but better than later saying I should have............ I think what parents do is called enabling among other things and addicts need to want to stop and get honest with themselves. BE WELL

Mizzuno

I think it means $100.00. I tried looking it up. Hmmm...... Your husband knows the severity. As much as you are hurting, it is hurting your daughter more by enabling this behavior. She will continue to use you and others as long as she can, and this means that she will fall deeper into her addiction. If you cut it off, she may come around a lot quicker. The idea is to have her come to the realization that she is on her own if she uses drugs. No one wants to be alone. So, I will quit using because I love my family and need their support. I will quit using because I need my family.....Geez, this life stuff is hard. I realize now how good I had it.

Hugs to you!

BabyJane

Maybe this will sound harsh but when I was out there drugging I really didn't have a concept of how much it hurt my parents nor did I have the capacity to care much. The deeper into my habit I got, the less I could sympathize with others and the more I lied and stole and cheated everyone out of desperation. You are correct that its an "insane" state of mind - unfortunately, in the eyes of the legal system, your children are adults and you can not force them into rehab or get them to do anything else they don't want to do. Tough love is needed. Trust me a bit here. Given an inch they will take a mile, if you know what I mean. Whatever you do, don't give them money, don't lend your cars or allow them to be around your expensive possessions unsupervised and don't let them manipulate you by using your house as a crash pad in between benders! They will only have the motivation to sober up when things get really bad and it might end with jail or a being on the street (lets hope not) but that's what it took for me. I didn't go to prison but I got arrested and lost my job, my home and had to drop school in my last semester. Only then did I begin to recognize that I needed to stop using and drinking. My parents were like you at first but they had pretty much cut me off after multiple relapses. When I finally got serious about recovery, I found a state funded rehab and went there. It was certainly not luxury, but it was a start. I went to meetings. I had no car so I rode the bus. I made it work because I actually wanted it. Just my experience. Sorry you're going through this. I see someone mentioned Al-Anon - that's a great idea too. You need to look out for your own well-being! I know as mothers we forget about ourselves but this is a battle for you too, so prepare and get help from others.

Wishing you and your family happiness in the future. It is possible. Recovery can happen but they have to choose that path. Until then, don't enable. Protect yourself and remember that you've done the best you could. Don't beat yourself up.

Twofish

Thanks babyjane reality is slowly sinking in. I just went for a ride around our small town, looking at her old elementary, high school grocery store, the park I used to play with her in, the swing we had so much fun on. I miss her laugh, her smile, her kindness towards animals and little children, her love for Jesus. I don't feel much better, I wish tough love meant kind love. I know she is hurting and perhaps ashamed of what she is doing to herself, sister and our family. I don't feel much like a mother at the moment, but I still for some reason think this is a bad nightmare and I want to desperately wake up from. I know it's true and I have to distant myself from her until she agrees to sober up. Everyone out there in cyber land please say NO to drugs, the pain I feel as a mother are undiscribable this is not what a mom should feel, I so want my baby back, like she was 6 months ago, a mother should cry tears of happiness, for pride in their children not sadness from sickness and addiction. Think twice on that urge, that craving. This is just the beginning for me and my family. The road to sobriety I fear will be a long painful one. Wish me luck and I will keep reading these posts and keep all of my new friends I have met today updated on my daughters ride back home. Twofosh

Mizzuno

I really hope that you are able to make the appropriate decisions to help yourself, and the remainder of your family. Please know that you are not to blame for this, and only your daughter can change her course. The best thing for you to do, is to seek out and receive help for yourself. Learn all that you can, and be armed with healthy tools. Have you had an intervention on your daughter?

Twofish

No, we just found out two days ago that she has been dabbing and experimenting with drugs. The stealing of medications (which her sister has been taking the blame for) missing and forging checks, constantly asking for money, money for books, taking the car without consent all just came to a head this past weekend. The police took her from the car by gunpoint. There is a do not contact order in place, so I haven't spoken to her, this is why I jhave a hard time believing this is true. All I have for evidence is what her old roommate, who enjoyed the stolen meds with her, lied and stole from me, and the overwhelming convo on her cell phone, bruised veins, bad experiences, $50 & $60 bags. To me and you, does this sound like she may be trying drugs? I wish I was terribly mistaken, totally wrong...am I?

Mizzuno

Wow, so this weekend is when everything came out into the open? Holy crap! I do not think that you are wrong. All of this sounds drug related, and the necessary steps have been taken to ensure that you are alright. No contact order is appropriate. You have been hit with a brick, so it is hard to think in times like this. When all of this dies down, and you are not shocked from the situation, you will know how to proceed. I am so happy that you found us.
And the younger sister? Is she still living with you? Is she forthcoming with information?

Twofish

It was and still is a very hard brick...the 19 yr old is living in Madison with her sister in an apartment that I pay for. This is the last month on the lease so I had already paid for it. She is the sensitive, emotional one, like myself, however, her loyalty is broken. She is very angry that the police had been called, (I called them) and I have caused some pain in her life. Kinda like the blame game. She txt my 14 yr old son that they were raped when they got out of jail, which didn't happen. I sent her some food money and she got angry that the no contact order was violated. I didn't personally speak to her, tho I desperately need to, I just put the $40 in her acct. you see, I'm doing it again! I can't let go and do the tough love thing. I think she should be away from the older girl, totally approachable girl. But she is 19 and while in the police car, she said she hates me, three days before had said she loved me, so another stab in my heart because of the drugs. According to the cell phone covos she had tried her first iv drug and had a bad experience, bruised veins, this upset her, so the dam drug supplier said he would "hit" her up next time. I truly want to give this cell phone to the authorities because of this. I don't want the girls harmed because of something I did. I'm so confused, being blamed, so saddd, what should I do? ANY advice is welcomed. This is such a drama, but its not, it's my life, my babies and the horrible world of drug addiction. Yes, this is 4 days old, and I'm a mom almost broken. Twofish

Eve13

Twofish, I am new to the legal system and recognizing my son's drug abuse. Actually, we are 7 months into it. For me, it was a blessing that the legal system could step in and establish sanctions that my son is accountable for. (He can't do it yet but that's another story) You're 4 days into this nightmare. One day at a time. And I am sure AlAnon is a good resource, but if you are able, a private substance abuse counselor may be able to give you and your husband the 1:1 you need. I utilized my job's Employee Assistance Program. That helped a lot. Realize this is a moment in time, not the rest of her/your life.

Lyoness

It sounds like they are both using drugs intravenously. I'm sorry, wish it wasn't true, but as an IV addict myself I instantly recognize this from what you have posted.

Please, please do as above posters suggest and check out alanon as well as being here on SR. You need all the support you can get and you need to hear from people who have been on your side of the equation. Do check out the Friends and Family forum as well as this one.

I will keep you and your family in my healing thoughts and prayers.

Twofish

Thank you everyone. I feel your caringness for me and my family. This is going to be a long road for my family. I will seek our alanon in my area. I'm blocking the shame I feel from my mind and heart. What's important is to go forward, not feel guilty and not to blame or let the girls blame me for their health and legal problems. Why are you people so caring? It's amazing in such a selfish world, there are still people who will care for a stranger. Thank you SR. Twofish

gigi123

Twofish, I am truly sorry that you are going through this. As a mother, I can understand your pain and reluctance in letting your daughters find their rock bottom.

As an alcoholic, I strongly recommend you allow your daughters to go through the legal system and face the consequences of their actions. The kind of love you want to continue showing their daughters is the kind of love that kills. Please, please, back away and start taking care of yourself, your son and husband.

There's a forum here for families of addicts. I don't know how to post the link. Hopefully someone will point you to it.

((((((Twofish))))))

wolfpackfan45

Hi Twofish. So sorry to hear what you're going through. My son is a 22 year old recovering alcoholic ,so I know how much it hurts to watch your child destroy their life. He's my youngest child, and when we learned of how serious his problem was I was beside myself. I got to the point with my worry, anxiety, and fear that I had to help me. I didn't think I could get through it all, and I didn't know what to do. Believe me when I tell you that going to AlAnon meetings helped me. More than you'll ever know. Please try to go to some meetings if you have one in your area. They recommend going to at least 6 before you decide they're not for you. We have several couples in the meeting I attend that have kids who are drug addicts ,so it's not just for family members of alcoholics. I realized through Al Anon that I can't make my son get better, he has to do it himself. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to accept because it goes against everything I knew to do as a mom. I didn't understand at first that addiction is a whole different ballgame than other illnesses. I had no clue because I'd never had to deal with it before. You can't approach it the same way as you would if your child had diabetes or cancer. Addiction and addicts have to be treated differently. It's a very cunning disease and I had a whole lot to learn. I also realized after awhile that I was also sick in my own way. I tried to control it, and control the power it had over my child. It was ruining my own life because I couldn't make it better, only my son could. Al Anon changed the way I react with my son and myself. I know this is horrible for you. But you can get through this. I've learned not to enable my son in any way, shape or form. If he relapses and ends up in trouble, the consequences of his actions are something he'll have to live with and deal with. It's hard, but it is what it is. In the long run that is what will truly help addicts. I've learned that his alcoholism is his demon to deal with. It's not mine. And he is dealing with it now with the help of AA. I hope you try to go to a meeting. I hope you are good to yourself. You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you sure can't cure it. It's up to your girls. God bless and keep us updated on how things are going. You are NOT alone.