XABF said he changed and then disappeared
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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XABF said he changed and then disappeared
About 2 months ago, my XABF came back into my life one night when he called me to apologize about him heartlessly dumping me (over the phone!) this past winter with no explanation. He explained that the only reason he dumped me was because I'm not a "partier" and he thought that when his probation ended in a few months he was going to go back to partying.
Turns out, for months after our breakup, he regretted his decision. He said letting me go was the biggest mistake he'd ever made, that he hadn't had a "real conversation with anyone in months," and that he'd wished he'd met me now. He'd been off probation for a month, and said he'd only gotten drunk once and that he didn't like it much. He told me he "changed" and would still drink occasionally, but wasn't interested in getting drunk often. He said he really wanted 'us' to work out. I know this probably sounds phony, but it wasn't. I do believe he was being sincere at the time, but what ended up happening is another story.
Things between us went well for about 2 weeks. We drank together once, but neither of us got drunk. We were getting closer to each other again, and I felt like things maybe had a chance. Then, one day he stood me up and I didn't hear from him until the next day. Turned out that he'd been drinking with friends all night until 7 am, and passed out the rest of the day, totally forgetting about me and missing my calls. He apologized for the missed calls, but not for the drinking and standing me up. When we dated before he never acted like this, never stood me up and was considerate Does alcohol make people totally oblivious to others' feelings? I didn't want to give up on him, so I didn't make a big deal about it, but I did tell him he can't treat me like that.
I'd hoped things would get better, but they didn't. The next week he called me from home, drunk. Two days later, he called me drunk from a bar. That night I actually drove to the bar to pick him up (my idea, not his) and he ended up getting into a shoving match with two men. He shoved a guy onto the ground and people threatened to call the police. I was so scared...After that I drove away and left him, but ended up going back. He couldn't believe I left him, and kept saying "That wasn't even a fight! It's normal! Stuff like that happens in bars," as if I'm naive. He didn't seem to care that he had to get up in 4 hours and go to work. I told him that, in the future, he can call me to talk instead of going to the bar after a horrible day at work. He looked like he was going to cry, and gave me a big hug. The next day, he stood me up again. I stood outside his house, knocking on his door, while apparently he was passed out inside. Again, no apology.
I've never been around people who drank a lot, but I felt like something was really wrong with his behavior (aside from standing me up). He began getting irritable and defensive. He called me "judgmental" and brought up alcohol in conversation often. He'd compare himself to his friend and say "Now he's an alcoholic" because he has blackouts. He seemed like a totally different person than the one who called me a month earlier, saying he wanted things between us to work out.
He asked me out a couple weeks ago and had a whole day for us planned, but stood me up. I called him, texted, but nothing. He just vanished. I have a feeling he stood me up because he was passed out, but who knows. I also have a feeling he vanished because he's choosing to go back to drinking, even though he might justify it to himself another way (like thinking I'm 'judgmental').
Looking back, all of this sounds horrible and there were so many red flags. But believe it or not, we had a strong connection and friendship. Deep down, I think that his love for alcohol took precedence over it, in the end. I'm heartbroken over this, and wish he could see that alcohol is negatively affecting his life. He surrounds himself with people who drink like he does, so he thinks it's 'normal.' Now apparently he's choosing alcohol and the loneliness and superficial relationships/friendships that comes along with it for him. I think I was the first/only 'sober' relationship he'd ever had, and part of him wants that again, but maybe isn't ready?
Does anyone else have an experience like this, where they want you back and then just disappear?
Turns out, for months after our breakup, he regretted his decision. He said letting me go was the biggest mistake he'd ever made, that he hadn't had a "real conversation with anyone in months," and that he'd wished he'd met me now. He'd been off probation for a month, and said he'd only gotten drunk once and that he didn't like it much. He told me he "changed" and would still drink occasionally, but wasn't interested in getting drunk often. He said he really wanted 'us' to work out. I know this probably sounds phony, but it wasn't. I do believe he was being sincere at the time, but what ended up happening is another story.
Things between us went well for about 2 weeks. We drank together once, but neither of us got drunk. We were getting closer to each other again, and I felt like things maybe had a chance. Then, one day he stood me up and I didn't hear from him until the next day. Turned out that he'd been drinking with friends all night until 7 am, and passed out the rest of the day, totally forgetting about me and missing my calls. He apologized for the missed calls, but not for the drinking and standing me up. When we dated before he never acted like this, never stood me up and was considerate Does alcohol make people totally oblivious to others' feelings? I didn't want to give up on him, so I didn't make a big deal about it, but I did tell him he can't treat me like that.
I'd hoped things would get better, but they didn't. The next week he called me from home, drunk. Two days later, he called me drunk from a bar. That night I actually drove to the bar to pick him up (my idea, not his) and he ended up getting into a shoving match with two men. He shoved a guy onto the ground and people threatened to call the police. I was so scared...After that I drove away and left him, but ended up going back. He couldn't believe I left him, and kept saying "That wasn't even a fight! It's normal! Stuff like that happens in bars," as if I'm naive. He didn't seem to care that he had to get up in 4 hours and go to work. I told him that, in the future, he can call me to talk instead of going to the bar after a horrible day at work. He looked like he was going to cry, and gave me a big hug. The next day, he stood me up again. I stood outside his house, knocking on his door, while apparently he was passed out inside. Again, no apology.
I've never been around people who drank a lot, but I felt like something was really wrong with his behavior (aside from standing me up). He began getting irritable and defensive. He called me "judgmental" and brought up alcohol in conversation often. He'd compare himself to his friend and say "Now he's an alcoholic" because he has blackouts. He seemed like a totally different person than the one who called me a month earlier, saying he wanted things between us to work out.
He asked me out a couple weeks ago and had a whole day for us planned, but stood me up. I called him, texted, but nothing. He just vanished. I have a feeling he stood me up because he was passed out, but who knows. I also have a feeling he vanished because he's choosing to go back to drinking, even though he might justify it to himself another way (like thinking I'm 'judgmental').
Looking back, all of this sounds horrible and there were so many red flags. But believe it or not, we had a strong connection and friendship. Deep down, I think that his love for alcohol took precedence over it, in the end. I'm heartbroken over this, and wish he could see that alcohol is negatively affecting his life. He surrounds himself with people who drink like he does, so he thinks it's 'normal.' Now apparently he's choosing alcohol and the loneliness and superficial relationships/friendships that comes along with it for him. I think I was the first/only 'sober' relationship he'd ever had, and part of him wants that again, but maybe isn't ready?
Does anyone else have an experience like this, where they want you back and then just disappear?
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Ok, for argument's sake, I'm going to take his belief that he is not alcoholic. Fine. Not an alcoholic, just someone who likes to drink.
So...where does that leave all these times he stood you up? Is that excusable? I lost count reading your post how many times he did this.
Is standing you up for dates acceptable? Drunk or not?
I don't think it matters whether he is an alcoholic, or someone who drinks a lot, what matters is that he stands you up, and apparently this last time, for two weeks straight so far MIA...AWOL on the relationship.
That, for me, would be unacceptable and I would be done with him, even if he could chemically/clinically prove he is not an alcoholic.
Where exactly do you appear to fall on his priority list?
And how are you on your own priority list? Meaning...what would you tell a friend that told you of being stood up this many times?
So...where does that leave all these times he stood you up? Is that excusable? I lost count reading your post how many times he did this.
Is standing you up for dates acceptable? Drunk or not?
I don't think it matters whether he is an alcoholic, or someone who drinks a lot, what matters is that he stands you up, and apparently this last time, for two weeks straight so far MIA...AWOL on the relationship.
That, for me, would be unacceptable and I would be done with him, even if he could chemically/clinically prove he is not an alcoholic.
Where exactly do you appear to fall on his priority list?
And how are you on your own priority list? Meaning...what would you tell a friend that told you of being stood up this many times?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hi, Trixie, & welcome to SR.
But he'd broke up with you over the phone without explanation; that wasn't very considerate either.
I had a hard time reconciling the drunk, nasty guy with the sometimes sweet and attentive guy that is my now-ex-husband. I made excuses for his behavior, blamed it on his drinking, but it was all him. Alcohol doesn't make people into something they're not. AXH tended to be quite remorseful about his nasty behavior when he wanted me to stick around. If he had stopped doing the things that were hurtful, his remorse might have meant something; however, he kept doing the same things over and over, and over time his behavior got even worse.
Oh, and shoving matches where some one says they're going to call the police is not nothing, it's something and no, it's not "normal."
Sending hugs. Trust your instincts: if they're telling you this doesn't feel acceptable, then it's probably best to listen to them.
Originally Posted by trixie56 
When we dated before he never acted like this, never stood me up and was considerate Does alcohol make people totally oblivious to others' feelings?
I had a hard time reconciling the drunk, nasty guy with the sometimes sweet and attentive guy that is my now-ex-husband. I made excuses for his behavior, blamed it on his drinking, but it was all him. Alcohol doesn't make people into something they're not. AXH tended to be quite remorseful about his nasty behavior when he wanted me to stick around. If he had stopped doing the things that were hurtful, his remorse might have meant something; however, he kept doing the same things over and over, and over time his behavior got even worse.
Oh, and shoving matches where some one says they're going to call the police is not nothing, it's something and no, it's not "normal."
Sending hugs. Trust your instincts: if they're telling you this doesn't feel acceptable, then it's probably best to listen to them.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
seems like the only thing that CHANGED is that this time he didn't even bother with a phone call.
it's up to YOU how YOU want to be treated and the type of treatment you are willing to accept. IMHO, this guy fails EVERY test.
it's up to YOU how YOU want to be treated and the type of treatment you are willing to accept. IMHO, this guy fails EVERY test.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by theuncertainty
Oh, and shoving matches where some one says they're going to call the police is not nothing, it's something and no, it's not "normal."
Sending hugs. Trust your instincts: if they're telling you this doesn't feel acceptable, then it's probably best to listen to them.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
He explained that the only reason he dumped me was because I'm not a "partier" and he thought that when his probation ended in a few months he was going to go back to partying.
Feeling like you are 4th and 5th in someone's life when alcohol is 1, 2 and 3 hurts and is a place where I would not wish anyone to be. Somehow I missed the shoving part, I'm sure you never want to get caught up in that, or be the one being shoved.
Life defining moment, for the good of your future self. Get out.
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