friend of alcoholic needs advice
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
friend of alcoholic needs advice
I have a friend, 55, who is an alcoholic and has been for many many years. I've known him 18 mos. or so. I tried to be supportive but he sucks the life out of me and I have had enough. I cant be his leaning post all the time, and he seems to want that. He's verbally abusive, negative, demanding, he whines, he cries, he yells, he tries to manipulate me, which doesnt work.
I've been backing away from him, I cant handle it anymore, it's too stressful for me. I've been avoiding him but now he's emailing too much. I've tried to explain how I feel and that his alcoholism is killing our friendship but he is not the least bit interested in trying to get sober. He will not consider AA.
I need some advice for myself, he is going to do what he's going to do, but I need to take care of me.
Thanks,
Funkynassau
I've been backing away from him, I cant handle it anymore, it's too stressful for me. I've been avoiding him but now he's emailing too much. I've tried to explain how I feel and that his alcoholism is killing our friendship but he is not the least bit interested in trying to get sober. He will not consider AA.
I need some advice for myself, he is going to do what he's going to do, but I need to take care of me.
Thanks,
Funkynassau
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi funkynassau (nice name!) and welcome to SR! I'm glad you're here but very sorry for the difficult circumstances that led you here.
If there is someone in your life that is making you miserable with their actions, does not listen when you tell them how hurtful they are being, and doesn't show any interest in change, then I think you can be confident that you are doing the right thing by removing yourself from the line of fire. You have tried to be supportive and received abuse in return. You do not deserve that. Your friend knows where help and support are if he ever gets serious about recovery, but you do not need to take a front seat for the drama in the interim.
I would consider blocking all of his access to you so you can get some peace and distance from the chaos. We call this going "No Contact" and is often a first step in recovering from an abusive relationship.
Best of luck to you -- please stick around!
If there is someone in your life that is making you miserable with their actions, does not listen when you tell them how hurtful they are being, and doesn't show any interest in change, then I think you can be confident that you are doing the right thing by removing yourself from the line of fire. You have tried to be supportive and received abuse in return. You do not deserve that. Your friend knows where help and support are if he ever gets serious about recovery, but you do not need to take a front seat for the drama in the interim.
I would consider blocking all of his access to you so you can get some peace and distance from the chaos. We call this going "No Contact" and is often a first step in recovering from an abusive relationship.
Best of luck to you -- please stick around!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Welcome Funky. My situation is a little different as my A is my husband, but I'll give it a go!
Standard suggestions - read the stickies at the top of this forum, consider attending Al-Anon for yourself, and its time for some soul searching. Have you heard of the Three C's? You did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it.
What led you to this friendship & when did it come into your life? I'm wondering if your friend was an A when you met & became friends or if the alcoholism developed over time after you had been friends for a while. You may want to consider setting some boundaries for yourself. What are you prepared to enforce? Maybe it is "I will not spend time with you when you are drinking", or "I will not continue to nurture and develop a friendship with an active A." You have seen your words are not making a difference to your A...it's a difficult lesson in so many ways but many of us have been there.
I hope this helps you...keep reading and posting as you can learn a lot from everyone's experiences.
Standard suggestions - read the stickies at the top of this forum, consider attending Al-Anon for yourself, and its time for some soul searching. Have you heard of the Three C's? You did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it.
What led you to this friendship & when did it come into your life? I'm wondering if your friend was an A when you met & became friends or if the alcoholism developed over time after you had been friends for a while. You may want to consider setting some boundaries for yourself. What are you prepared to enforce? Maybe it is "I will not spend time with you when you are drinking", or "I will not continue to nurture and develop a friendship with an active A." You have seen your words are not making a difference to your A...it's a difficult lesson in so many ways but many of us have been there.
I hope this helps you...keep reading and posting as you can learn a lot from everyone's experiences.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
Hi Sparklekitty, you have a nice name too!
Thanks for your reply, I appreciate your thoughts and I am doing as you say, going no contact. He's already unfriended me on facebook so that's pretty telling right there, that he's annoyed with me. I have his emails going to my junk file. Hubby wants me to print them out so I have a paper trail should anything get really out of hand with him, and I will do that. I dont expect retaliation, he's not a violent person, but you never know and I understand that.
My chief concern is we live in a rural area where it's not possible to avoid him all the time. I have been doing that successfully for weeks now but one of these days I am going to see him somewhere. How do you suggest I react? I can nod and keep moving, I dont want to stop and talk. I'd prefer to have zero contact with him forever, but there's this nice side to me who is friendly and I would have to resist the urge to say - hi, how are you? I really dont want to do that! I wish I'd never met him, to be very honest.
Thanks for your reply, I appreciate your thoughts and I am doing as you say, going no contact. He's already unfriended me on facebook so that's pretty telling right there, that he's annoyed with me. I have his emails going to my junk file. Hubby wants me to print them out so I have a paper trail should anything get really out of hand with him, and I will do that. I dont expect retaliation, he's not a violent person, but you never know and I understand that.
My chief concern is we live in a rural area where it's not possible to avoid him all the time. I have been doing that successfully for weeks now but one of these days I am going to see him somewhere. How do you suggest I react? I can nod and keep moving, I dont want to stop and talk. I'd prefer to have zero contact with him forever, but there's this nice side to me who is friendly and I would have to resist the urge to say - hi, how are you? I really dont want to do that! I wish I'd never met him, to be very honest.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Hi Funky,
Agree about the name.
I am always so impressed with people like you who recognize all the signs early, and then quickly and decisively get out.
You made the right decision. Relationships with alcoholics are toxic and dangerous to our own health, and become moreso the longer we are in them.
If you run into him, I would just say hi as you would to an acquantance, and go on your way.
Agree about the name.
I am always so impressed with people like you who recognize all the signs early, and then quickly and decisively get out.
You made the right decision. Relationships with alcoholics are toxic and dangerous to our own health, and become moreso the longer we are in them.
If you run into him, I would just say hi as you would to an acquantance, and go on your way.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
Hi CarryOn, thanks for your reply. I have emailed al-anon for either a phone # to speak to someone or a location near me. So far no reply but from asking around there doesnt seem to be one in our small rural area...that's why I am here. I do know about the 3Cs, I get them, completely.
This guy has been an A for 30 yrs maybe more. I've known him 1.5 yrs. We met because we are both into music and he was looking for someone to jam with. He plays guitar, I play bass, so we jammed together last summer several times but he spent most of our time drinking rather than playing. I am a music student and needed some direction and I got none. The beer got in the way, so I quit jamming with him a year ago now, and continue to go to the local music school. He's pretty much begged me to come to his place and jam but it truly was a waste of my time, so I dont do it.
My words have gone totally unheeded so now I need some actions. I dont answer the phone if he calls, and he has stopped calling. We have emailed and I have spelled out that I cant handle his drinking, it stresses me out, and that that part is my problem not his. I need to look after me and having someone like that in my life is way too stressful and irritating for me. He's got all those negative factors like arguing, whining, crying, trying to manipulate, super negative, fly off the handle, and denying he's got a problem. I have told him I am not a shrink, he needs more than I can provide, but he's not to the point of seeking out help. So honestly I dont want to be around him.
This guy has been an A for 30 yrs maybe more. I've known him 1.5 yrs. We met because we are both into music and he was looking for someone to jam with. He plays guitar, I play bass, so we jammed together last summer several times but he spent most of our time drinking rather than playing. I am a music student and needed some direction and I got none. The beer got in the way, so I quit jamming with him a year ago now, and continue to go to the local music school. He's pretty much begged me to come to his place and jam but it truly was a waste of my time, so I dont do it.
My words have gone totally unheeded so now I need some actions. I dont answer the phone if he calls, and he has stopped calling. We have emailed and I have spelled out that I cant handle his drinking, it stresses me out, and that that part is my problem not his. I need to look after me and having someone like that in my life is way too stressful and irritating for me. He's got all those negative factors like arguing, whining, crying, trying to manipulate, super negative, fly off the handle, and denying he's got a problem. I have told him I am not a shrink, he needs more than I can provide, but he's not to the point of seeking out help. So honestly I dont want to be around him.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I think you be cordial in person without engaging, but I don't think there is anything wrong with allowing him to initiate any conversation. And I second the admiration for spotting the red flags. So many of us couldn't for so long!
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Hi DreamsofSerenity, another good name!
He is indeed toxic. I knew there was a problem early on but I thought I could handle it but I cant. He's too clingy, he used to phone all the time and if I didnt answer he'd keep calling til I did. Very annoying. It's been the last 1-2 months I've come to realize I cant stand this any longer, and I've done a lot of thinking and soul searching because it's not like to to back away from people but this time I have to, for myself.
I appreciate all the posts here, you folks make me realize I'm doing the right thing by severing contact. Thanks! I will stick around for sure.
He is indeed toxic. I knew there was a problem early on but I thought I could handle it but I cant. He's too clingy, he used to phone all the time and if I didnt answer he'd keep calling til I did. Very annoying. It's been the last 1-2 months I've come to realize I cant stand this any longer, and I've done a lot of thinking and soul searching because it's not like to to back away from people but this time I have to, for myself.
I appreciate all the posts here, you folks make me realize I'm doing the right thing by severing contact. Thanks! I will stick around for sure.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
Sparklekitty I've never known anyone like this before, so those red flags came up fast, probably the second time I encountered him, it just took longer than I should have let it for me to back away.
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Join Date: May 2012
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I think if we run into people in life that we don't care to talk to, then we don't talk to them. We don't have to. We don't have to make them feel badly about themselves by ignoring them either.
We don't have to give them the impression that we are snooty and/or pretending they don't exist. We can acknowledge they are there right in front of us with a simple wave and a little smile, but without breaking stride.
A small enough smile that says "I see you" but isn't big enough to say "Come over and talk to me".
If they come up to me, I know how to keep it short, or cut it off if they pursue something longer. Probably will be a natural instinct that will kick in for you.
We don't have to give them the impression that we are snooty and/or pretending they don't exist. We can acknowledge they are there right in front of us with a simple wave and a little smile, but without breaking stride.
A small enough smile that says "I see you" but isn't big enough to say "Come over and talk to me".
If they come up to me, I know how to keep it short, or cut it off if they pursue something longer. Probably will be a natural instinct that will kick in for you.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
BlueSkies1 - thanks for your reply. I dont want to be rude to him, that's not my nature, I just want to avoid unpleasantness. I think the first time I run into him will be the hardest and I think it's possible he'll just ignore me, which would be fine with me. If he does talk to me I will try to just say hi and keep going. This fellow has no friends, he alienates everyone. It's sad and pathetic, but I know I didnt make him this way.
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