living with an alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: almeria
Posts: 7
living with an alcoholic
When we got together Helene had very deep seated drug problems and drank heavily. She was in an abusive marriage or so she said and I accepted this as an explanation. She vowed from the first she would quit the pills. I didn't know at the time you could get addicted to aspirin and ibuprofen but felt happy she was prepared to move on in her life with me.
Her previous marriage had been a sham for years with her husband, a serial drug user with suicidal tendencies as well as being a bully. After the classic indignant husband routine with a pathetic drunken punch or two she moved in with me.
There were a lot of problems with Xavier, her 11 year old son who initially resented me. This was made worse by him living with both his parents on alternate weeks, bringing his fathers negative influence with him on his return.
About this time Helene had a breakdown. Understandably, after the life of abuse she told me about. She went to the doctor and got 6 weeks off work. She drank loads but our town was a drinking town so I thought nothing of it. After all I liked a drink too.
I'm not sure when I saw her drinking as a problem because the first year was so good. Perhaps it was the drinking indoors? Maybe it was her drinking in front of Xavier? I don't know.. I do remember saying to Helene before we were married I didn't want to have a relationship based purely on boozing like this... It was about that time Xavier and I poured a bottle of vodka down the sink together after she'd gone completely doolaley one night..
Her divorce came through and we decided to get married. This was new territory for me and I felt sure we would overcome the difficulties in time with love and commitment to each other.
3 days into our honeymoon the drink caught up with Helene and she ground me into the dirt emotionally, insulting me and generally making me feel small.
For some time it had been clear there was some deep seated unhappiness within her that no amount of love from me would assuage.
Helene worked, which kept her drinking to a minimum but she was still popping pills like no tomorrow and was always sick with something or other. Another breakdown caused her to take another couple of months off work. How she managed it I don't know but she was able to drink herself until she could barely stand up, then get up and make Xaviers packed lunch for school. I like to feel I was the sensible influence that bought some sense of normality to his life.
Helene's body could clearly not stand such a sustained amount of drinking because over the next couple of years she had a further 2 breakdowns, each involving an extended time off work. She would have visions and would drink anything up to a Gallon of beer every day... She says she spent all her money on me but in reality the cost of all that booze must have been astronomical and sucked up most of her wages.
In the 7 and a half years we lived in our small town I can say with certainty Helene only stopped drinking for 3 weeks in the early days so she could get her driving license back after a drink driving ban. Every day since she drank to a greater or lesser extent, usually the greater.
We were going nowhere fast, Helene desperately unhappy and drinking like a trooper. For years I tried to make her happy, for years I tried to temper her drinking. Emotionally I've learned to be guarded for my own protection. Nothing was more important to her than the drink. That includes me and Xavier. Her behavior was erratic to say the least and the insults kept coming.
Xavier left home having had enough of both his parents disfunctional lives. Helene as usual was so drunk and rambling she couldn't even get off the couch as he stepped out of the door with his bags.. This is how bad it was...
About 2 years before we moved to Spain my furniture was selling well and finally my life working in the arts was paying off. I was faced with a choice. Leave, because by this time I was seriously questioning our relationship,
I was questioning my love and commitment to Her.
Were all the things she'd been telling me true.
Was I the callous, loveless person she made a point of relaying to me..
I chose to stay. I made a commitment to give everything I had to our relationship. I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her come what may.
We had a house in Spain which Helene bought with her divorce settlement. It wasn't much and had deteriorated over the years to a state of near collapse. Helene had dreamed of living there as soon as Xavier was old enough to leave home. It had been just a fading dream as we had no money to work on it. I was now in a position to make it happen.
I worked tirelessly for 2 years, raising enough to restore the house to a livable condition and giving us enough to last a year or more. I felt sure that once we were there she would finally put her demons to bed and work with me to build what looked like a very bright future together. We spoke at length about our plans and she vowed to be a different person once the dream was realised.
The day of us leaving approached and Helene was having a last blast. I cleaned and packed, someone had to do it as she had no interest. She was on another planet she was drinking so much. I put it down to nerves. I had no doubts but understood how big a thing it was for her.
We arrived in Spain and our new life began. The first few weeks were exciting with a whirl of activity, buying all the things to furnish the house.. We were both and enjoying the adventure. It was when normality struck that things went wrong.
The honeymoon period ended when Helene fell over drunk and broke her rib for a second time in as many years. She'd managed to paint about 10 square feet. This was the only work she'd do on the house for the next year and a half... She went back to her old ways. Drinking heavily and being quite content to see me doing virtually everything else...
After 8 months or so her legs started to go. She wouldn't eat and was constantly ill. I was long used to it and didn't see anything different than the norm with her.
Throwing up was normal in our house,
Illness was normal
Her heavy drinking was normal
Her lack of enthusiasm was normal.
Then about 4 months ago she suddenly lost her memory. My worst fears were realised. She'd drunk herself to the point where her body couldn't take it any more and things were starting to shut down..
After a day of tests at the emergency room she was told to stop drinking right away or face death or permanent alcoholic dementia. For years she had speculated over a huge range of conditions she might have to explain her various illnesses, from MS to cancer, the doctor made it very clear her physical problems were all alcohol related. She was diagnosed as a chronic alcoholic...The only way back was abstinence.
In the early days of her memory loss it was mercifully easy with the help of medication to swap her booze with non alcoholic beer, however, 4 months on she has recovered enough to insist on alcohol again. I can't force her to stop.
She can't deny her alcoholism any more because its written in black and white. She does as she's always done, ignore the doctors.
When I challenge her she tells me to divorce her. She is depressed all the time and makes no effort to get better. She tells me she wishes she was dead and makes up story after story to compound her misery.
As far as I'm concerned I won't buy her any alcohol. If she wants it she can buy it herself.
She's now in a state where she relies on me for everything but blames me for all her troubles, insulting me, telling me I don't love her
I've tried, and continue to try and bring her out of it but nothing works.
She has no interest in doing anything at all except going to the bar and just sits there all day doing nothing, having no interest in doing anything positive
What can I do now except manage her condition as I have been and wait for the inevitable conclusion. If I leave she tells me she'll kill herself and I believe her. If I stay she'll kill herself with booze or worse....
The irony is despite this awful ongoing experience I love my wife and my life. I continue to work on our dream house alone, I love my garden, I have a large family and we all get on famously when I see them, and as I'm among the very best in the world at my job I love that also...
I only wish my wife could join me in this happiness.
Her previous marriage had been a sham for years with her husband, a serial drug user with suicidal tendencies as well as being a bully. After the classic indignant husband routine with a pathetic drunken punch or two she moved in with me.
There were a lot of problems with Xavier, her 11 year old son who initially resented me. This was made worse by him living with both his parents on alternate weeks, bringing his fathers negative influence with him on his return.
About this time Helene had a breakdown. Understandably, after the life of abuse she told me about. She went to the doctor and got 6 weeks off work. She drank loads but our town was a drinking town so I thought nothing of it. After all I liked a drink too.
I'm not sure when I saw her drinking as a problem because the first year was so good. Perhaps it was the drinking indoors? Maybe it was her drinking in front of Xavier? I don't know.. I do remember saying to Helene before we were married I didn't want to have a relationship based purely on boozing like this... It was about that time Xavier and I poured a bottle of vodka down the sink together after she'd gone completely doolaley one night..
Her divorce came through and we decided to get married. This was new territory for me and I felt sure we would overcome the difficulties in time with love and commitment to each other.
3 days into our honeymoon the drink caught up with Helene and she ground me into the dirt emotionally, insulting me and generally making me feel small.
For some time it had been clear there was some deep seated unhappiness within her that no amount of love from me would assuage.
Helene worked, which kept her drinking to a minimum but she was still popping pills like no tomorrow and was always sick with something or other. Another breakdown caused her to take another couple of months off work. How she managed it I don't know but she was able to drink herself until she could barely stand up, then get up and make Xaviers packed lunch for school. I like to feel I was the sensible influence that bought some sense of normality to his life.
Helene's body could clearly not stand such a sustained amount of drinking because over the next couple of years she had a further 2 breakdowns, each involving an extended time off work. She would have visions and would drink anything up to a Gallon of beer every day... She says she spent all her money on me but in reality the cost of all that booze must have been astronomical and sucked up most of her wages.
In the 7 and a half years we lived in our small town I can say with certainty Helene only stopped drinking for 3 weeks in the early days so she could get her driving license back after a drink driving ban. Every day since she drank to a greater or lesser extent, usually the greater.
We were going nowhere fast, Helene desperately unhappy and drinking like a trooper. For years I tried to make her happy, for years I tried to temper her drinking. Emotionally I've learned to be guarded for my own protection. Nothing was more important to her than the drink. That includes me and Xavier. Her behavior was erratic to say the least and the insults kept coming.
Xavier left home having had enough of both his parents disfunctional lives. Helene as usual was so drunk and rambling she couldn't even get off the couch as he stepped out of the door with his bags.. This is how bad it was...
About 2 years before we moved to Spain my furniture was selling well and finally my life working in the arts was paying off. I was faced with a choice. Leave, because by this time I was seriously questioning our relationship,
I was questioning my love and commitment to Her.
Were all the things she'd been telling me true.
Was I the callous, loveless person she made a point of relaying to me..
I chose to stay. I made a commitment to give everything I had to our relationship. I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her come what may.
We had a house in Spain which Helene bought with her divorce settlement. It wasn't much and had deteriorated over the years to a state of near collapse. Helene had dreamed of living there as soon as Xavier was old enough to leave home. It had been just a fading dream as we had no money to work on it. I was now in a position to make it happen.
I worked tirelessly for 2 years, raising enough to restore the house to a livable condition and giving us enough to last a year or more. I felt sure that once we were there she would finally put her demons to bed and work with me to build what looked like a very bright future together. We spoke at length about our plans and she vowed to be a different person once the dream was realised.
The day of us leaving approached and Helene was having a last blast. I cleaned and packed, someone had to do it as she had no interest. She was on another planet she was drinking so much. I put it down to nerves. I had no doubts but understood how big a thing it was for her.
We arrived in Spain and our new life began. The first few weeks were exciting with a whirl of activity, buying all the things to furnish the house.. We were both and enjoying the adventure. It was when normality struck that things went wrong.
The honeymoon period ended when Helene fell over drunk and broke her rib for a second time in as many years. She'd managed to paint about 10 square feet. This was the only work she'd do on the house for the next year and a half... She went back to her old ways. Drinking heavily and being quite content to see me doing virtually everything else...
After 8 months or so her legs started to go. She wouldn't eat and was constantly ill. I was long used to it and didn't see anything different than the norm with her.
Throwing up was normal in our house,
Illness was normal
Her heavy drinking was normal
Her lack of enthusiasm was normal.
Then about 4 months ago she suddenly lost her memory. My worst fears were realised. She'd drunk herself to the point where her body couldn't take it any more and things were starting to shut down..
After a day of tests at the emergency room she was told to stop drinking right away or face death or permanent alcoholic dementia. For years she had speculated over a huge range of conditions she might have to explain her various illnesses, from MS to cancer, the doctor made it very clear her physical problems were all alcohol related. She was diagnosed as a chronic alcoholic...The only way back was abstinence.
In the early days of her memory loss it was mercifully easy with the help of medication to swap her booze with non alcoholic beer, however, 4 months on she has recovered enough to insist on alcohol again. I can't force her to stop.
She can't deny her alcoholism any more because its written in black and white. She does as she's always done, ignore the doctors.
When I challenge her she tells me to divorce her. She is depressed all the time and makes no effort to get better. She tells me she wishes she was dead and makes up story after story to compound her misery.
As far as I'm concerned I won't buy her any alcohol. If she wants it she can buy it herself.
She's now in a state where she relies on me for everything but blames me for all her troubles, insulting me, telling me I don't love her
I've tried, and continue to try and bring her out of it but nothing works.
She has no interest in doing anything at all except going to the bar and just sits there all day doing nothing, having no interest in doing anything positive
What can I do now except manage her condition as I have been and wait for the inevitable conclusion. If I leave she tells me she'll kill herself and I believe her. If I stay she'll kill herself with booze or worse....
The irony is despite this awful ongoing experience I love my wife and my life. I continue to work on our dream house alone, I love my garden, I have a large family and we all get on famously when I see them, and as I'm among the very best in the world at my job I love that also...
I only wish my wife could join me in this happiness.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Mrchees, welcome to SR. Glad you found us here but very, very sorry for the situation that brought you. I can't imagine all you have endured over the years. What a tragic story...
There is a section of this forum for the family and friends of alcoholics here Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information . You might like to try reading and posting there. At the top of the page are a lot of "stickied" threads that you may find educational and/or inspiring.
Here is a link to help you find an Alanon meeting, which is something I would strongly suggest http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/international-meetings . Alanon is not about how to get your wife sober but about how to take care of yourself; please consider at least trying it. If there are no in-person meetings nearby, you could try a phone meeting http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/electronic-meetings .
Again, so sorry about the situation you find yourself in. There are many here with much experience, strength and hope to share. I've found a lot of help myself and hope that you can find the same.
There is a section of this forum for the family and friends of alcoholics here Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information . You might like to try reading and posting there. At the top of the page are a lot of "stickied" threads that you may find educational and/or inspiring.
Here is a link to help you find an Alanon meeting, which is something I would strongly suggest http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/international-meetings . Alanon is not about how to get your wife sober but about how to take care of yourself; please consider at least trying it. If there are no in-person meetings nearby, you could try a phone meeting http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/electronic-meetings .
Again, so sorry about the situation you find yourself in. There are many here with much experience, strength and hope to share. I've found a lot of help myself and hope that you can find the same.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by mrchrees 
When we got together Helene had very deep seated drug problems and drank heavily. She was in an abusive marriage or so she said and I accepted this as an explanation. She vowed from the first she would quit the pills. I didn't know at the time you could get addicted to aspirin and ibuprofen but felt happy she was prepared to move on in her life with me.
Her previous marriage had been a sham for years with her husband, a serial drug user with suicidal tendencies as well as being a bully. After the classic indignant husband routine with a pathetic drunken punch or two she moved in with me.
There were a lot of problems with Xavier, her 11 year old son who initially resented me. This was made worse by him living with both his parents on alternate weeks, bringing his fathers negative influence with him on his return.
About this time Helene had a breakdown. Understandably, after the life of abuse she told me about. She went to the doctor and got 6 weeks off work. She drank loads but our town was a drinking town so I thought nothing of it. After all I liked a drink too.
I'm not sure when I saw her drinking as a problem because the first year was so good. Perhaps it was the drinking indoors? Maybe it was her drinking in front of Xavier? I don't know.. I do remember saying to Helene before we were married I didn't want to have a relationship based purely on boozing like this... It was about that time Xavier and I poured a bottle of vodka down the sink together after she'd gone completely doolaley one night..
Her divorce came through and we decided to get married. This was new territory for me and I felt sure we would overcome the difficulties in time with love and commitment to each other.
3 days into our honeymoon the drink caught up with Helene and she ground me into the dirt emotionally, insulting me and generally making me feel small.
For some time it had been clear there was some deep seated unhappiness within her that no amount of love from me would assuage.
Helene worked, which kept her drinking to a minimum but she was still popping pills like no tomorrow and was always sick with something or other. Another breakdown caused her to take another couple of months off work. How she managed it I don't know but she was able to drink herself until she could barely stand up, then get up and make Xaviers packed lunch for school. I like to feel I was the sensible influence that bought some sense of normality to his life.
Helene's body could clearly not stand such a sustained amount of drinking because over the next couple of years she had a further 2 breakdowns, each involving an extended time off work. She would have visions and would drink anything up to a Gallon of beer every day... She says she spent all her money on me but in reality the cost of all that booze must have been astronomical and sucked up most of her wages.
In the 7 and a half years we lived in our small town I can say with certainty Helene only stopped drinking for 3 weeks in the early days so she could get her driving license back after a drink driving ban. Every day since she drank to a greater or lesser extent, usually the greater.
We were going nowhere fast, Helene desperately unhappy and drinking like a trooper. For years I tried to make her happy, for years I tried to temper her drinking. Emotionally I've learned to be guarded for my own protection. Nothing was more important to her than the drink. That includes me and Xavier. Her behavior was erratic to say the least and the insults kept coming.
Xavier left home having had enough of both his parents disfunctional lives. Helene as usual was so drunk and rambling she couldn't even get off the couch as he stepped out of the door with his bags.. This is how bad it was...
About 2 years before we moved to Spain my furniture was selling well and finally my life working in the arts was paying off. I was faced with a choice. Leave, because by this time I was seriously questioning our relationship,
I was questioning my love and commitment to Her.
Were all the things she'd been telling me true.
Was I the callous, loveless person she made a point of relaying to me..
I chose to stay. I made a commitment to give everything I had to our relationship. I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her come what may.
We had a house in Spain which Helene bought with her divorce settlement. It wasn't much and had deteriorated over the years to a state of near collapse. Helene had dreamed of living there as soon as Xavier was old enough to leave home. It had been just a fading dream as we had no money to work on it. I was now in a position to make it happen.
I worked tirelessly for 2 years, raising enough to restore the house to a livable condition and giving us enough to last a year or more. I felt sure that once we were there she would finally put her demons to bed and work with me to build what looked like a very bright future together. We spoke at length about our plans and she vowed to be a different person once the dream was realised.
The day of us leaving approached and Helene was having a last blast. I cleaned and packed, someone had to do it as she had no interest. She was on another planet she was drinking so much. I put it down to nerves. I had no doubts but understood how big a thing it was for her.
We arrived in Spain and our new life began. The first few weeks were exciting with a whirl of activity, buying all the things to furnish the house.. We were both and enjoying the adventure. It was when normality struck that things went wrong.
The honeymoon period ended when Helene fell over drunk and broke her rib for a second time in as many years. She'd managed to paint about 10 square feet. This was the only work she'd do on the house for the next year and a half... She went back to her old ways. Drinking heavily and being quite content to see me doing virtually everything else...
After 8 months or so her legs started to go. She wouldn't eat and was constantly ill. I was long used to it and didn't see anything different than the norm with her.
Throwing up was normal in our house,
Illness was normal
Her heavy drinking was normal
Her lack of enthusiasm was normal.
Then about 4 months ago she suddenly lost her memory. My worst fears were realised. She'd drunk herself to the point where her body couldn't take it any more and things were starting to shut down..
After a day of tests at the emergency room she was told to stop drinking right away or face death or permanent alcoholic dementia. For years she had speculated over a huge range of conditions she might have to explain her various illnesses, from MS to cancer, the doctor made it very clear her physical problems were all alcohol related. She was diagnosed as a chronic alcoholic...The only way back was abstinence.
In the early days of her memory loss it was mercifully easy with the help of medication to swap her booze with non alcoholic beer, however, 4 months on she has recovered enough to insist on alcohol again. I can't force her to stop.
She can't deny her alcoholism any more because its written in black and white. She does as she's always done, ignore the doctors.
When I challenge her she tells me to divorce her. She is depressed all the time and makes no effort to get better. She tells me she wishes she was dead and makes up story after story to compound her misery.
As far as I'm concerned I won't buy her any alcohol. If she wants it she can buy it herself.
She's now in a state where she relies on me for everything but blames me for all her troubles, insulting me, telling me I don't love her
I've tried, and continue to try and bring her out of it but nothing works.
She has no interest in doing anything at all except going to the bar and just sits there all day doing nothing, having no interest in doing anything positive
What can I do now except manage her condition as I have been and wait for the inevitable conclusion. If I leave she tells me she'll kill herself and I believe her. If I stay she'll kill herself with booze or worse....
The irony is despite this awful ongoing experience I love my wife and my life. I continue to work on our dream house alone, I love my garden, I have a large family and we all get on famously when I see them, and as I'm among the very best in the world at my job I love that also...
I only wish my wife could join me in this happiness.
Her previous marriage had been a sham for years with her husband, a serial drug user with suicidal tendencies as well as being a bully. After the classic indignant husband routine with a pathetic drunken punch or two she moved in with me.
There were a lot of problems with Xavier, her 11 year old son who initially resented me. This was made worse by him living with both his parents on alternate weeks, bringing his fathers negative influence with him on his return.
About this time Helene had a breakdown. Understandably, after the life of abuse she told me about. She went to the doctor and got 6 weeks off work. She drank loads but our town was a drinking town so I thought nothing of it. After all I liked a drink too.
I'm not sure when I saw her drinking as a problem because the first year was so good. Perhaps it was the drinking indoors? Maybe it was her drinking in front of Xavier? I don't know.. I do remember saying to Helene before we were married I didn't want to have a relationship based purely on boozing like this... It was about that time Xavier and I poured a bottle of vodka down the sink together after she'd gone completely doolaley one night..
Her divorce came through and we decided to get married. This was new territory for me and I felt sure we would overcome the difficulties in time with love and commitment to each other.
3 days into our honeymoon the drink caught up with Helene and she ground me into the dirt emotionally, insulting me and generally making me feel small.
For some time it had been clear there was some deep seated unhappiness within her that no amount of love from me would assuage.
Helene worked, which kept her drinking to a minimum but she was still popping pills like no tomorrow and was always sick with something or other. Another breakdown caused her to take another couple of months off work. How she managed it I don't know but she was able to drink herself until she could barely stand up, then get up and make Xaviers packed lunch for school. I like to feel I was the sensible influence that bought some sense of normality to his life.
Helene's body could clearly not stand such a sustained amount of drinking because over the next couple of years she had a further 2 breakdowns, each involving an extended time off work. She would have visions and would drink anything up to a Gallon of beer every day... She says she spent all her money on me but in reality the cost of all that booze must have been astronomical and sucked up most of her wages.
In the 7 and a half years we lived in our small town I can say with certainty Helene only stopped drinking for 3 weeks in the early days so she could get her driving license back after a drink driving ban. Every day since she drank to a greater or lesser extent, usually the greater.
We were going nowhere fast, Helene desperately unhappy and drinking like a trooper. For years I tried to make her happy, for years I tried to temper her drinking. Emotionally I've learned to be guarded for my own protection. Nothing was more important to her than the drink. That includes me and Xavier. Her behavior was erratic to say the least and the insults kept coming.
Xavier left home having had enough of both his parents disfunctional lives. Helene as usual was so drunk and rambling she couldn't even get off the couch as he stepped out of the door with his bags.. This is how bad it was...
About 2 years before we moved to Spain my furniture was selling well and finally my life working in the arts was paying off. I was faced with a choice. Leave, because by this time I was seriously questioning our relationship,
I was questioning my love and commitment to Her.
Were all the things she'd been telling me true.
Was I the callous, loveless person she made a point of relaying to me..
I chose to stay. I made a commitment to give everything I had to our relationship. I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her come what may.
We had a house in Spain which Helene bought with her divorce settlement. It wasn't much and had deteriorated over the years to a state of near collapse. Helene had dreamed of living there as soon as Xavier was old enough to leave home. It had been just a fading dream as we had no money to work on it. I was now in a position to make it happen.
I worked tirelessly for 2 years, raising enough to restore the house to a livable condition and giving us enough to last a year or more. I felt sure that once we were there she would finally put her demons to bed and work with me to build what looked like a very bright future together. We spoke at length about our plans and she vowed to be a different person once the dream was realised.
The day of us leaving approached and Helene was having a last blast. I cleaned and packed, someone had to do it as she had no interest. She was on another planet she was drinking so much. I put it down to nerves. I had no doubts but understood how big a thing it was for her.
We arrived in Spain and our new life began. The first few weeks were exciting with a whirl of activity, buying all the things to furnish the house.. We were both and enjoying the adventure. It was when normality struck that things went wrong.
The honeymoon period ended when Helene fell over drunk and broke her rib for a second time in as many years. She'd managed to paint about 10 square feet. This was the only work she'd do on the house for the next year and a half... She went back to her old ways. Drinking heavily and being quite content to see me doing virtually everything else...
After 8 months or so her legs started to go. She wouldn't eat and was constantly ill. I was long used to it and didn't see anything different than the norm with her.
Throwing up was normal in our house,
Illness was normal
Her heavy drinking was normal
Her lack of enthusiasm was normal.
Then about 4 months ago she suddenly lost her memory. My worst fears were realised. She'd drunk herself to the point where her body couldn't take it any more and things were starting to shut down..
After a day of tests at the emergency room she was told to stop drinking right away or face death or permanent alcoholic dementia. For years she had speculated over a huge range of conditions she might have to explain her various illnesses, from MS to cancer, the doctor made it very clear her physical problems were all alcohol related. She was diagnosed as a chronic alcoholic...The only way back was abstinence.
In the early days of her memory loss it was mercifully easy with the help of medication to swap her booze with non alcoholic beer, however, 4 months on she has recovered enough to insist on alcohol again. I can't force her to stop.
She can't deny her alcoholism any more because its written in black and white. She does as she's always done, ignore the doctors.
When I challenge her she tells me to divorce her. She is depressed all the time and makes no effort to get better. She tells me she wishes she was dead and makes up story after story to compound her misery.
As far as I'm concerned I won't buy her any alcohol. If she wants it she can buy it herself.
She's now in a state where she relies on me for everything but blames me for all her troubles, insulting me, telling me I don't love her
I've tried, and continue to try and bring her out of it but nothing works.
She has no interest in doing anything at all except going to the bar and just sits there all day doing nothing, having no interest in doing anything positive
What can I do now except manage her condition as I have been and wait for the inevitable conclusion. If I leave she tells me she'll kill herself and I believe her. If I stay she'll kill herself with booze or worse....
The irony is despite this awful ongoing experience I love my wife and my life. I continue to work on our dream house alone, I love my garden, I have a large family and we all get on famously when I see them, and as I'm among the very best in the world at my job I love that also...
I only wish my wife could join me in this happiness.
Im sorry you have had to deal with all of this, that is pretty unfair. I think you may want to re-evaluate why you are with her at this point? I know your heart was in the right place when you initially took her in, but what is it you are getting out of this arrangement now? If you are with her just for the sake of not being alone, then you are using each other............which is not a good way to live, nor is it a healthy relationship. You do NOT have to live this way. I think its time for some serious self reflection and decision making, but only you can do that. Good luck!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Wow! My heart is truly aching for you.
I agree with Nighthawk. What are you getting from this? You can still love her with all your heart and, at the same time, choose to be apart from her and the chaos she is creating. You do not have the power to stop her from killing herself with booze. Only she can stop.
You say if you leave she will kill herself. Again, this is so tragic, but this is out of your hands. She is making a choice to live in denial. You deserve better than this.
Check out the Friend and Family section. You will find so much support there.
I agree with Nighthawk. What are you getting from this? You can still love her with all your heart and, at the same time, choose to be apart from her and the chaos she is creating. You do not have the power to stop her from killing herself with booze. Only she can stop.
You say if you leave she will kill herself. Again, this is so tragic, but this is out of your hands. She is making a choice to live in denial. You deserve better than this.
Check out the Friend and Family section. You will find so much support there.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I'm sorry for the situation that brings you here. I too wonder what you're getting out of this relationship other than emotional abuse. I hope you can get to AlAnon and get some support for yourself. You need it. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: almeria
Posts: 7
I think all your answers are right. I have come to the end of the line with her.
Her own dream was to move down here to Spain where we could build our dream house together, I'd buy her the horse she always wanted and we would go on holiday for a month each year to all the places she'd dreamed of going. We could stand by the pool looking at our finished house hand in hand and say 'we did this together'.
This is what I wanted with her. I'm a driven person and would have made that happen for her.
I still have hope, I can move down the road to my brothers house and pop in to feed the dogs and give her medication every day. Maybe, just maybe in the lonely evenings she might reflect on what she's throwing away and come round but in my heart I don't really believe that..
Her own dream was to move down here to Spain where we could build our dream house together, I'd buy her the horse she always wanted and we would go on holiday for a month each year to all the places she'd dreamed of going. We could stand by the pool looking at our finished house hand in hand and say 'we did this together'.
This is what I wanted with her. I'm a driven person and would have made that happen for her.
I still have hope, I can move down the road to my brothers house and pop in to feed the dogs and give her medication every day. Maybe, just maybe in the lonely evenings she might reflect on what she's throwing away and come round but in my heart I don't really believe that..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: almeria
Posts: 7
Alcoholic wife cont...
Still here and still with her. Why I don't know.. Perhaps its the situation we're in..
Helene has got steadily worse and is currently drinking a case and a half of beer every day..The worse she gets the harder it is for me to leave..
As she does nothing except drink, it falls on me to do everything from earning us a living to cooking, washing and cleaning.
Her short term memory means that she asks me the same questions again and again and again. She also have many false memories that usually take the form of me denying her something. I keep telling her she is free to do whatever she likes but she always puts barriers in front of herself to justify her views..
I don't know how common it is but I find myself giving up on her. I've tried everything to make her stop. You'd think her memory loss and diagnosis would have had some effect but it hasn't.. I now buy her booze to stop her going into melt down.. I've also had to move my workshop out of the house so she doesn't destroy my work..
If I leave her she has nothing. She can't work anymore and would have to go back to England and start all over again because she tells me she hates it here. After years of saving up to move down here to Spain I love it and have told her I won't be joining her if thats what she wants to do.. I might of considered it if she was happy there or I thought she'd be happy there but I can see she is just living in denial...
I had a gambling problem for many years which I managed to overcome with no help from anyone. I simply thought it through and realised if I won a fortune I'd just gamble it away again so could never win. From that 'eureka' moment on I could see how pointless it was and the problem was gone. That was maybe 20 years ago.. I moved from one place to another trying to get away from my problems but they always resurfaced so I recognise whats going on with Helene..
As the illness progresses her mood swings become more extreme.. She feels trapped here and because she won't go out without me. It's usually difficult to get her out of bed to do anything anyway and I've lost count of the number of times I've waited all day for her to get up so we can go out..
I've tried to get her help, rehab, counseling, more rehab but nothing seems to get through to her. 'The doctors are wrong, where we live is ****, I don't show her enough love', you name it she uses it to justify what she is doing to herself.
I look at her now and she is a shell of the woman she once was.
The sad thing about all this is despite my loyalty toward her I actually feel quite detached from her now. I've tried and failed to make her see how wonderful life is. I almost wish she won't wake up and put an end to this torment..
Maybe I should give her the choice. Me or the booze, then I can leave, knowing the booze means more to her than me?
Helene has got steadily worse and is currently drinking a case and a half of beer every day..The worse she gets the harder it is for me to leave..
As she does nothing except drink, it falls on me to do everything from earning us a living to cooking, washing and cleaning.
Her short term memory means that she asks me the same questions again and again and again. She also have many false memories that usually take the form of me denying her something. I keep telling her she is free to do whatever she likes but she always puts barriers in front of herself to justify her views..
I don't know how common it is but I find myself giving up on her. I've tried everything to make her stop. You'd think her memory loss and diagnosis would have had some effect but it hasn't.. I now buy her booze to stop her going into melt down.. I've also had to move my workshop out of the house so she doesn't destroy my work..
If I leave her she has nothing. She can't work anymore and would have to go back to England and start all over again because she tells me she hates it here. After years of saving up to move down here to Spain I love it and have told her I won't be joining her if thats what she wants to do.. I might of considered it if she was happy there or I thought she'd be happy there but I can see she is just living in denial...
I had a gambling problem for many years which I managed to overcome with no help from anyone. I simply thought it through and realised if I won a fortune I'd just gamble it away again so could never win. From that 'eureka' moment on I could see how pointless it was and the problem was gone. That was maybe 20 years ago.. I moved from one place to another trying to get away from my problems but they always resurfaced so I recognise whats going on with Helene..
As the illness progresses her mood swings become more extreme.. She feels trapped here and because she won't go out without me. It's usually difficult to get her out of bed to do anything anyway and I've lost count of the number of times I've waited all day for her to get up so we can go out..
I've tried to get her help, rehab, counseling, more rehab but nothing seems to get through to her. 'The doctors are wrong, where we live is ****, I don't show her enough love', you name it she uses it to justify what she is doing to herself.
I look at her now and she is a shell of the woman she once was.
The sad thing about all this is despite my loyalty toward her I actually feel quite detached from her now. I've tried and failed to make her see how wonderful life is. I almost wish she won't wake up and put an end to this torment..
Maybe I should give her the choice. Me or the booze, then I can leave, knowing the booze means more to her than me?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,062
I am so sorry that nothing has improved. So very sad...
It does seem apparent though that she has already made the choice between you and the drink....
Only she can choose to stop; only you can choose to be free from the chaos.
Have you ever sought out an Alanon meeting or some support for yourself in dealing with this? It sounds exhausting!
It does seem apparent though that she has already made the choice between you and the drink....
Only she can choose to stop; only you can choose to be free from the chaos.
Have you ever sought out an Alanon meeting or some support for yourself in dealing with this? It sounds exhausting!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
It seems apparent that she cannot stop, and is refusing any chance of getting the help she needs. What are you doing for your own welfare? Have you hooked up with Alanon or some other support group yet?
What are the scenarios if you divorce or separate? If she hates Spain, will your finances allow you to stay in Spain while she returns to the UK? That would at least remove the need for you to look after her on a day-to-day basis, and might just force her into treatment.
All I can suggest is that you look carefully at the different scenarios should you separate/divorce, preferably with the help of a lawyer. Would you have to sell up in Spain and could you still stay there and be financially viable? Would you be able to let her go her own way?
What are the scenarios if you divorce or separate? If she hates Spain, will your finances allow you to stay in Spain while she returns to the UK? That would at least remove the need for you to look after her on a day-to-day basis, and might just force her into treatment.
All I can suggest is that you look carefully at the different scenarios should you separate/divorce, preferably with the help of a lawyer. Would you have to sell up in Spain and could you still stay there and be financially viable? Would you be able to let her go her own way?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: almeria
Posts: 7
I have joined the alanon site but haven't worked it out yet...
For myself I'm a former chef so eat very well. Also my work is going from strength to strength but at a time when I should be making the most of it, I find myself losing my inspiration because of the stress.. I can easily look after myself financially and if she insists on selling the house from under me I could possibly raise enough over a period of time to buy it off her.. This would give her a start back in the UK..
She won't leave me because she's terrified of being on her own so I'll certainly have to force the issue..
In many ways her reliance on me allows her to do as she pleases and take no responsibility. Perhaps it might be the kick up the ass she needs...
I grew up with an alcoholic father and had to watch my mum suffer her whole life because she didn't have the guts to leave. I'm not going to suffer the same fate
For myself I'm a former chef so eat very well. Also my work is going from strength to strength but at a time when I should be making the most of it, I find myself losing my inspiration because of the stress.. I can easily look after myself financially and if she insists on selling the house from under me I could possibly raise enough over a period of time to buy it off her.. This would give her a start back in the UK..
She won't leave me because she's terrified of being on her own so I'll certainly have to force the issue..
In many ways her reliance on me allows her to do as she pleases and take no responsibility. Perhaps it might be the kick up the ass she needs...
I grew up with an alcoholic father and had to watch my mum suffer her whole life because she didn't have the guts to leave. I'm not going to suffer the same fate
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by mrchrees
In many ways her reliance on me allows her to do as she pleases and take no responsibility. Perhaps it might be the kick up the ass she needs...
Of course she's terrified of having to look after herself; with you doing everything she's free to drink as much as she wants. She will never have an incentive to recover while there are no consequences for her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: almeria
Posts: 7
I just came home from a very successful exhibition in London yesterday where I had the opportunity to think things through without my wife being around...
I was away for 2 days and she went into meltdown. The back door was locked the way I'd left it and the dogs messed all over the house because they couldn't get out, and she hadn't fed them either. I went mad and laid it all out for her. If she doesn't make some progress toward recovery and at least try to sort herself out I would move out in a week..
Its strange that you hear of husbands being control freaks who want to dominate their wives but in my case its the reverse..I'm being forced to take control of everything because of her complete lack of interest in anything..
I'm worried that her total, almost obsessive reliance on me for everything makes walking out difficult.
I'm thinking I could move out and visit every day to give her meds and deal with our dogs. That way I can still look out for her but she'll be facing the reality of her situation alone in the house.. If she wants to live in squaller she can..
I have very little faith in anything I do having a positive outcome after everything I've gone through with her, but I do retain hope that she just might surprise me and come back from the brink.. I want to give her every chance to prove me wrong..and I also want to do the right thing..
I was away for 2 days and she went into meltdown. The back door was locked the way I'd left it and the dogs messed all over the house because they couldn't get out, and she hadn't fed them either. I went mad and laid it all out for her. If she doesn't make some progress toward recovery and at least try to sort herself out I would move out in a week..
Its strange that you hear of husbands being control freaks who want to dominate their wives but in my case its the reverse..I'm being forced to take control of everything because of her complete lack of interest in anything..
I'm worried that her total, almost obsessive reliance on me for everything makes walking out difficult.
I'm thinking I could move out and visit every day to give her meds and deal with our dogs. That way I can still look out for her but she'll be facing the reality of her situation alone in the house.. If she wants to live in squaller she can..
I have very little faith in anything I do having a positive outcome after everything I've gone through with her, but I do retain hope that she just might surprise me and come back from the brink.. I want to give her every chance to prove me wrong..and I also want to do the right thing..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: almeria
Posts: 7
Apart from these pages I have no support. If I try to speak to her doctor because of confidentiality which leaves me very much alone to deal with this insanity..
I know I shouldn't buy her booze and I am backing away from it now. She has to get it herself and as I keep telling her 'if you can't get it you shouldn't be drinking it'.
When I take her out, it becomes very obvious she is far from well. She has an alcoholic gait and I have to insist she puts on fresh clothes as she just wears the same stuff day and night... Getting her to shower is neigh on impossible.
I'm seriously starting to doubt if its now possible for her to be left alone.. I have another exhibition in Chicago in a couple of months and she's said she'll kill herself if I leave her alone for 5 days...
Right now she is completely out of control and rehab is not something she will even consider. Her memory is declining and she asks me the same questions again and again for days at a time. Her demands are completely unreasonable. She'll suddenly decide she wants us to go on vacation at a moments notice and has no concept of money or responsibilities anymore.. She doesn't really know the difference between night and day ..She also wails and moans in some kind of torment, frequently becoming aggressive..
I really feel she is getting close to the end and I feel I must do something.. My emotions are all over the place. Should I take her to the hospital? Should I try and cut her drinking down? Or do I have wait until she inevitably suffers some collapse of some kind...
If I was wealthy I'd book her into some residential clinic but I'm not. I could take her back to England and book her into hospital but I don't see her being treated any differently than here.
I know if I leave she will try to kill herself. Its easy to say it's her choice but I can't abdicate myself from responsibility. I already hide pills from her... How would I feel if I found her dead? Could I have done more, could I have been a better husband? Have I done the right thing?
I know I shouldn't buy her booze and I am backing away from it now. She has to get it herself and as I keep telling her 'if you can't get it you shouldn't be drinking it'.
When I take her out, it becomes very obvious she is far from well. She has an alcoholic gait and I have to insist she puts on fresh clothes as she just wears the same stuff day and night... Getting her to shower is neigh on impossible.
I'm seriously starting to doubt if its now possible for her to be left alone.. I have another exhibition in Chicago in a couple of months and she's said she'll kill herself if I leave her alone for 5 days...
Right now she is completely out of control and rehab is not something she will even consider. Her memory is declining and she asks me the same questions again and again for days at a time. Her demands are completely unreasonable. She'll suddenly decide she wants us to go on vacation at a moments notice and has no concept of money or responsibilities anymore.. She doesn't really know the difference between night and day ..She also wails and moans in some kind of torment, frequently becoming aggressive..
I really feel she is getting close to the end and I feel I must do something.. My emotions are all over the place. Should I take her to the hospital? Should I try and cut her drinking down? Or do I have wait until she inevitably suffers some collapse of some kind...
If I was wealthy I'd book her into some residential clinic but I'm not. I could take her back to England and book her into hospital but I don't see her being treated any differently than here.
I know if I leave she will try to kill herself. Its easy to say it's her choice but I can't abdicate myself from responsibility. I already hide pills from her... How would I feel if I found her dead? Could I have done more, could I have been a better husband? Have I done the right thing?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
You seem to be in a lose-lose situation. I'm sorry your life is being put on hold while you wait for her to do something for herself. If it were me, I'd just tell her I'm going to the exhibition and let her fend for herself. (I'd put the dogs somewhere they'll be taken care of tho)You cannot continue to exist this way. It's eating you alive.
I hope you can find some peace in your life. Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
wow.... what a challenging and terrible situation.
This may sound extreme and perhaps it's even inappropriate; but to me it seems that your love and caring has long ago crossed over into classic enabling.
Perhaps the 'wake up call" that she needs is for you to leave and cut yourself free and focus only on yourself and caring for your needs.
In your story of her, I see the co-dependent story of your own downward spiral. It seems like you harbor a sense of guilt for your growing need to care for your own needs.
You have tried, you have given, you have gone from trying and supporting and giving into desperation and enabling, you have surfaced from that with a resolve that you need to be free of it.... and yet even in that resolve you are highlighting the rationale and logic to continue enabling her.
Moving OUT will solve nothing if it only means you still have to make daily alcohol runs, administer medications, cook and clean and care for an adult who is so deep into addiction that she is effectively a child.
It would no doubt be heart-wrenching to simply say "I cannot continue this. It is unhealthy for me and for you. If you should make a choice to turn your life around and become healthy, I will be there to support you in the ways I can as you pursue that journey - but for now, I must care for myself as this has become a toxic situation for me and has only allowed you to become more deeply unhealthy."
This may sound extreme and perhaps it's even inappropriate; but to me it seems that your love and caring has long ago crossed over into classic enabling.
Perhaps the 'wake up call" that she needs is for you to leave and cut yourself free and focus only on yourself and caring for your needs.
In your story of her, I see the co-dependent story of your own downward spiral. It seems like you harbor a sense of guilt for your growing need to care for your own needs.
You have tried, you have given, you have gone from trying and supporting and giving into desperation and enabling, you have surfaced from that with a resolve that you need to be free of it.... and yet even in that resolve you are highlighting the rationale and logic to continue enabling her.
Moving OUT will solve nothing if it only means you still have to make daily alcohol runs, administer medications, cook and clean and care for an adult who is so deep into addiction that she is effectively a child.
It would no doubt be heart-wrenching to simply say "I cannot continue this. It is unhealthy for me and for you. If you should make a choice to turn your life around and become healthy, I will be there to support you in the ways I can as you pursue that journey - but for now, I must care for myself as this has become a toxic situation for me and has only allowed you to become more deeply unhealthy."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
as for abdicating yourself.... no matter what you have convinced yourself; it is not yours to protect and 'save' her. You cannot. That much is clear.
Your efforts to 'save' her thus far - what have they wrought? You've told us yourself it's all just gotten worse.
As much as you want to help protect and help her - we cannot control another's behavior.
You must speak your truth and do what is necessary to protect and save YOU.
Tell her your fears if you want... tell her your hopes for her... tell her that you wish it weren't this way - but take care of YOU.... trying to save her is NOT WORKING.
You might consider picking up the book "Co-Dependent No More" as well.
Your efforts to 'save' her thus far - what have they wrought? You've told us yourself it's all just gotten worse.
As much as you want to help protect and help her - we cannot control another's behavior.
You must speak your truth and do what is necessary to protect and save YOU.
Tell her your fears if you want... tell her your hopes for her... tell her that you wish it weren't this way - but take care of YOU.... trying to save her is NOT WORKING.
You might consider picking up the book "Co-Dependent No More" as well.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
AA and rehab in Spain are not as efficient as in the UK in my opinion, as I found out. Hospitals are second to none for surgery and other things but they don't seem to have so much of a grasp on anything to do with mental health in my experience. Well, they didn't when I was there anyway. I would get her into treatment in the UK by force and intervention, even if it means getting her sectioned to give her one last chance, and if that fails, you may have to consider going alone because I don't think you can do much more and it will destroy you too. I got better luckily, but it sounds like she is beyond repair, if she (or you) doesn't act now. So sad reading your story. She sounded just like I once was. Good luck xxxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
Is she getting her own alcohol now that you have said that you no longer will.?
It is really important that you look after yourself and do things that are important to you.
I understand the chaos in your life and understand that your wife is awfully ill.
With your wife's emotional blackmail and threats of suicide it must feel like you are stuck.
Have you spoken to a health professional and do they have a mental health there?.
It is really important that you look after yourself and do things that are important to you.
I understand the chaos in your life and understand that your wife is awfully ill.
With your wife's emotional blackmail and threats of suicide it must feel like you are stuck.
Have you spoken to a health professional and do they have a mental health there?.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I know if I leave she will try to kill herself. Its easy to say it's her choice but I can't abdicate myself from responsibility. I already hide pills from her... How would I feel if I found her dead? Could I have done more, could I have been a better husband? Have I done the right thing?
My own (then) wife used to make it (she was bipolar not alcoholic) but I left ...and she is still alive and well.
Naturally, you know your wife better than I do, 15 years later and I still remember well the sick feeling I had for a long time afterwards.
You have a few big decisions to make.
If SR is your only support, I recommend you also check out our Family and Friends forum - but look for other support for yourself as well.
There's no need for you to go through this alone.
D
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