Mirage74

I am on day 12. Everyday I think about returning to drinking more and more, rather than less and less. The reason? Well, I am an alcoholic, and I can't get any relief. I am becoming convinced more and more that alcoholism is a result of circumstances around you rather than just an improper chemical reaction to booze in the brain. Well these are the circumstances around me, and all I want to do is go buy some beer and escape it all.

1. I'm in NC and our ****** up legislature is trying to pass a bunch of messed up laws that would take us back to 1950. They are doing it to try to attract businesses here , but are too dumb to realize it will have the opposite affect. This affects my peace of mind.

2. I like AA ok and have read some of the big book and believe it can work - if done the way it's supposed to. However, AA in my town is messed up, IMO. The people don't practice what the book says. I go to meetings as a newcomer and its like no one cares. If I share or mention I am struggling and want to take a drink, it's like they get offended. Like 12 days in everything is supposed to be great and I'm cured. If I call someone, they act like I'm bothering them. That, to me, is not AA. I've been to AA in another city and it wasn't like this. It's about to run me back out the door, which is messed up. I feel like I'm in no mans land. Maybe it's me and they just don't like me.

3. People - everywhere I go, someone, somewhere does something that irritates the hell out of me.

Bottom line, the world is a messed up place. I understand why people drink. What I can't seem to wrap my head around is, how do people get through it WITHOUT drinking.

That's my vent. If I've offended anyone, feel free to share why/how, or don't - up to you. I'm just feeling irritated and I know in the past when I felt this way, what my solution was. Thx

Tamerua

It is hard, everyday, dealing with it. But when you take out the alcohol something happens and you start to notice the things in life that aren't irritants. It does take time though.

Mizzuno

I'm happy that you shared all of this. Sharing is going to help you out tremendously. I think in early recovery it is quite normal to feel irritated. If your local AA is not working for you, and this is about what works for you, then find another solution. Maybe it will be that you drive once a week to another town to attend a meeting? Maybe it will be that posting on here is all that you need? It is okay to feel bad, grumpy, irritated, mad, upset, and all the other emotions that humans feel. Drinking over any of these things is not the answer. You will survive this.

360shoes

No offense taken here. Absolutely nothing wrong with venting in a safe place. Barf it all out. I always feel better when I do.

My friend I vent to tells me this when I feel this way...literally. I'm not kidding...she has told me this. I too have venting spells. This has nothing to do with you but me just sharing an experience I had.

She said...Yes, all the dirty rotten people out there in the world are personally out there to get you Shoes! Their very mission in life is to make you feel like cr*p and p*ss you off. It is not fair. You have every right to throw in the towel, give up and spend the remainder of your days drinking yourself into a drunken stupor. Here, let me go run and get you a bottle. It worked so well for you in the past and I'm so positive this will solve all your problems let me pick up a bottle of pills too just in case the alcohol isn't fast enough for the instant gratification you so deserve.

Then as I am peeing my pants from laughing so hard she gives me a big hug.

Hang in there Mirage. It gets better. If it didn't nobody would bother with trying and SR would be a ghost town.

(((Hug)))

mecanix

Venting is a healthier thing to do .

A lot better to do that than drink i recon .

Bestwishes, m

hypochondriac

The world would be just fine if everyone would just do things exactly as you'd like them right? I know the feeling, unfortunately it don't work like that and you will drive yourself nuts getting p;ssed off with other people. I don't really do AA anymore but I think they were spot on with this stuff, is it page 67 in the big book, about us trying to run the show all the time?

I'd be interested to know how you think drinking is going to help anyway. What impact will that have on the legislature? Will it make people in AA more helpful? Okay I can understand how it will stop people irritating you because alcohol makes us not care. From what I see you are newly sober and p;ssed off. You should be! The world is a pretty messed up place, and in my book being drunk is the greatest con ever because you don't care about stuff and therefore don't do anything about it. If you are not happy about the laws being passed in your state then campaign against them, don't sit on your behind getting drunk.

There is also a big part of this that is caused by being newly sober. I was angry as hell and my mood swings were pretty spectacular. Thing is that stuff gets better. Things will still p;ss you off but it won't be the end of the world and you won't feel the need to drink because of them. Stick with it x

Mirage74

Geez, did I just make an ass of myself? lol I realize my rant came across pretty angry, I guess I am angry, but I didn't mean it to come off that angry. Sorry

I read what you just wrote 360, and I started laughing to myself too. That's pretty funny. I guess youre right, that's how I feel. Poor me, pour me another drink, right?

If I had someone to vent to privately I would. But I can't exactly go up to someone in AA and say, "Ya know, I think something is wrong with AA in this town." My town is very conservative, so I can't exactly go around blasting the NC legislature. I guess I ended up here. Thanks for letting me vent.

visch1

Hi. life has many +s and -s. I needed to study the words and meaning of the Serenity Prayer before I started to see some of my poor mes. I wanted to drink more than I wanted to be and act sober which is work for an alky. I was told not to thing that AA was bad, perhaps being sensitive and not doing pain well I was looking for pats on the back. To this day there are meetings I don't care for but I'll be damned if that will keep me from meetings where the help is. BE WELL

Dave42001

Hang in there, Friend!! I can relate! As the other member mentioned drinking won't help resolve any of these issues only make it worst... Glad you still have your sense of humor, we have to laugh at ourselves sometimes.. I know I'm guilty of venting quite often to close friends. Glad you got it off your chest!!

360shoes

You did NOT make an ass of yourself Mirage!!!

You vented to your friends who understand how you feel. You ain't alone sweetie. Tomorrow may be my turn.

If you can laugh, there is always hope.

Dee74

The world can be pretty messed up.

Drunk, all I do is help it stay that way or make it worse.

Sober I at least have a shot at making sure my own personal world is not messed up - and a good chance of making a positive difference in other peoples lives too

D

sicknote

I've had the same problems here in UK! I've been to some horrible meetings with horrible people!! I've come out feeling worse than when I went in. I've been getting to any I can though.

I've got a list of meetings and I'm making it my mission to tick them all off my to-do list, and new meeting everyday until I find one that fits me. Then at the very least I am trying.

Someone asked me if I'd go to any length to stay sober, and the answer for me is yes. So I'm going to keep going.

I traveled outside of my area about an hours drive away and found a good meeting! I'm a bit gutted they are so far away, but I might try to do that sometimes and try to speak to them there as they might have advice. I'm going to keep going to what ever I can for a bit because everyone says you've got to keep going as things will get better. So I'm holding onto that hope that I might be ok one day if I keep going. :0)

The world and my head is messed up

GreenEggsAndHam

You sound like me.

I get very irritated very easily, and often feel hostile toward others (especially when people are inconsiderate, and SO many are these days, at least where I live). I have major road rage. I have asked for sponsors at AA and no one will bother with me.

But, after relapsing the other day, one epiphany I had is that I can't blame any one or anything for my drinking. I'm still irritated when I drink - even more-so, actually. Nothing and nobody changes when I drink. And, really, my being ticked off at people and situations are excuses. The truth is that I can drink for no reason, even when happy.

I'm trying to let go of things more but it's hard. My mother was a rager, a screamer, and an abusive bully and I think some of it is learned. I'm trying to unlearn it. =)

Mirage74

II can relate. I like to blame others for my drinking. And I really believe it, I mean, IT'S THEIR FAULT. If they would just quit acting that way. I actually got into an argument with a family member (in AA) about this the other night. They said that I can't blame others for my drinking, that they can't make me drink . I said, yea, you can't make me drink, but you sure as hell can make me WANT to drink. Anyway, I struggle with this. Thanks for posting

ScottFromWI

I"m not an AA member but i do pay a lot of creed to the Serenity Prayer. And the way other people act and go about their lives definitely falls under the category of "things we cannot change".

It sounds like your real issue is letting things go that you have no control over. It is hard to do for some, but it's a futile effort and colossal waste of your time to worry about things you cannot change. Do you feel that the earth makes you drink because it rotates around it's axis in a direction that irritates you? Do you drink because you would prefer that red and yellow would mix together to create purple instead of orange? Do you feel that the sun rising in the east rather than the west is the source of your binges?

I'm just being tongue and cheek with the examples above of course, but in all reality changing the way other people act and being "irritated" with the world is just as futile as trying to make the earth rotate around it's axis in the opposite direction.

Perhaps using the serenity prayer as a guide could help. Take a step back or a breath and really think - is this something I can change? And if not, just move on.

Mirage74

I was being slightly tongue in cheek with my post too. Those things you mentioned, you're right we can't change (and no I don't drink over those things , I am perfectly fine with the rotation of the earth, etc). But some things we can change. If I don't like the way someone is acting, I can do something about it - tell them, avoid them, sue them, whatever, etc. The last line of the serenity prayer is "And the wisdom to know the difference"

ScottFromWI

Yes, you can do something about how YOU react to them, but you cannot change how they act. There will always be people in the world that do horrible things or act in ways we cannot fathom or understand. But you have no control over that - only the way you react to them.

And the most important thing you can control is whether you choose to drink or not as your reaction.

Mirage74

In going to have to respectfully disagree. Look at society as a whole. If someone is a thief, and they get caught, society doesn't say, "Well, we can't change how they act". No, we send them to jail. There, they can't rob anyone anymore, we have prevented them from continuing to act that way. You're right, I can't control how someone acts, but there are consequences to certain actions. People can't just go around acting however they want to without consequences. If someone is doing something that I don't like that affects me, there are ways for me to ensure that they don't continue to act that way. It's called living in a civilized society.

ScottFromWI

Yes - there are consequences. That's why we have laws and societal norms. But we don't live in a perfect world where everyone follows all the laws or the norms. We never have and we never will. Nothing you, or I, or anyone else can do will ever change that - period. So you can spend your life worrying about it ( and not being able to change it ), or you can accept that while you can be a good person and affect those around you to a certain extent, you can't fix everything. And there will always be people who don't follow the rules.

Apply the same reasoning to our alcoholism: in a perfect world there would be no such thing. We'd be able to moderate or abstain from drinking because doing otherwise doesn't make any sense. Drinking to the point that it causes you problems is counter-intuitive to our being. But what's the first step for most to stop drinking? Accepting that they cannot control their drinking. It doesn't make sense to non alcoholics, and it's not fair. But it is what it is - and if we don't accept it, we are doomed.

Mirage74

Ok, you're right. You brought up the serenity prayer, and that's why I think that last line is so important. Some things we can't change, some we can, and the tricky part is figuring out which is which.