:( things going back to bad again. I need a friend.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2
:( things going back to bad again. I need a friend.
My boyfriend of 3 years is an alcoholic. A very mean black out drunk. We have a 10 month old son, and in the time since he was born we have had his drinking pretty well under control. Which involves me basically mothering my boyfriend because he can not be trusted at all. Well lately thats been making him mad, and I've been feeling lied to.
Tonight we were going to dinner with his alcoholic mother for his little sister's birthday. I said no at first not trusting him to be around his mother. He promised he would not drink, but then started begging for one beer. I said no but he harassed until I gave in. I ended up feeling really sick at the dinner, I actually was dehydrated and so he did not drink. When we got home he went to get me some gatorade at the store, and we agreed he could get 1 beer. He came home with A 12 PACK, and quickly put it in the fridge. He then sat with me and started explaining how 12 6 oz pabsts are the same as a 32 oz miller high life. I was realy upset and eventually he got me to let him drink 4, but he opened 5 and then 6. I kept saying thats the last one right? When I realized he drank 7 I said no way in hell can you have another, but it was past that point and he said he needed 2 more. Luckily for me he offered to pour 2 down the sink infront of me WTF was that about? I dont know,, but anyways I guess that leaves 1 unaccounted for so maybe hidden?, But he had atleast 9. Now I'm awake because of loud snoring and because he hasnt been drinking we cosleep so I'm watching the baby so he doesnt get squished. Expecting drunk ass to stumble out of the bed and pee somewhere like he used to do all the time. He is the nicest guy, the best dad how could he go back to his old ways How could he do that to us?
I see it happening, he tells me I'm no doctor but I know his patterns.
I'm completely dependent. I have social anxiety and a phobia of men so much I can't work, or drive, or make phone calls. Its scary to even post this. I need someone with me for everything and he's the only person I know, only source of income, place to live, and we have been through so much I do love him but I can't go through this with my son now.
If things get bad I will have to go live with my parents, and then what if he got partial custody of the baby? I would not have control of the drinking. Its a bad situation. I'm sorry I could go on forever thankyou so much if you read it all
Tonight we were going to dinner with his alcoholic mother for his little sister's birthday. I said no at first not trusting him to be around his mother. He promised he would not drink, but then started begging for one beer. I said no but he harassed until I gave in. I ended up feeling really sick at the dinner, I actually was dehydrated and so he did not drink. When we got home he went to get me some gatorade at the store, and we agreed he could get 1 beer. He came home with A 12 PACK, and quickly put it in the fridge. He then sat with me and started explaining how 12 6 oz pabsts are the same as a 32 oz miller high life. I was realy upset and eventually he got me to let him drink 4, but he opened 5 and then 6. I kept saying thats the last one right? When I realized he drank 7 I said no way in hell can you have another, but it was past that point and he said he needed 2 more. Luckily for me he offered to pour 2 down the sink infront of me WTF was that about? I dont know,, but anyways I guess that leaves 1 unaccounted for so maybe hidden?, But he had atleast 9. Now I'm awake because of loud snoring and because he hasnt been drinking we cosleep so I'm watching the baby so he doesnt get squished. Expecting drunk ass to stumble out of the bed and pee somewhere like he used to do all the time. He is the nicest guy, the best dad how could he go back to his old ways How could he do that to us?
I see it happening, he tells me I'm no doctor but I know his patterns.
I'm completely dependent. I have social anxiety and a phobia of men so much I can't work, or drive, or make phone calls. Its scary to even post this. I need someone with me for everything and he's the only person I know, only source of income, place to live, and we have been through so much I do love him but I can't go through this with my son now.
If things get bad I will have to go live with my parents, and then what if he got partial custody of the baby? I would not have control of the drinking. Its a bad situation. I'm sorry I could go on forever thankyou so much if you read it all
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
VingVong, Welcome to this site. I am glad you "found" us. You will find so much support if you hang around! Also, surf around the whole site as there is a section that deals with issues like anxiety and phobias, as well.
First things first---you have a very treatable condition---social anxiety (I don't know enough about the origin of your phobia of men to comment. Your husband's alcoholism is not your biggest problem at the moment--so, shelve that for the time being (detach from him). You are imprisoned by your dependence on him--and your attempts to control him will prove absolutely fruitless--you can't do it.
you appear to have parental support (lucky you), so enlist your parents to accompany you to a psychologist or psychiatrist (female) who specializes in anxiety and phobias. There is absolutely no need for you to live with this burden on your back when it can be relieved fairly quickly. This is a situation where you must put your self as first priority.
For your sake and the sake of your child.
You are not alone! We will walk with you.
dandylion
First things first---you have a very treatable condition---social anxiety (I don't know enough about the origin of your phobia of men to comment. Your husband's alcoholism is not your biggest problem at the moment--so, shelve that for the time being (detach from him). You are imprisoned by your dependence on him--and your attempts to control him will prove absolutely fruitless--you can't do it.
you appear to have parental support (lucky you), so enlist your parents to accompany you to a psychologist or psychiatrist (female) who specializes in anxiety and phobias. There is absolutely no need for you to live with this burden on your back when it can be relieved fairly quickly. This is a situation where you must put your self as first priority.
For your sake and the sake of your child.
You are not alone! We will walk with you.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Personally, I can't see him wanting custody of the baby because truthfully, the baby can't get him drunk.
If you can go with mom and dad, I would HIGHLY suggest you pack you and your baby up and get the hell out of there as fast as you can because you can not control this! He is in control and he will drive you through hell and drop you off.
If you can go with mom and dad, I would HIGHLY suggest you pack you and your baby up and get the hell out of there as fast as you can because you can not control this! He is in control and he will drive you through hell and drop you off.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome.
You don't have control of his drinking NOW. You may feel like you do, because he asks for "permission" first, but eventually he gets his way. And it is going to become WORSE over time, as he decides he doesn't need your permission (which he doesn't--grown people have a right to make their own decisions, even bad ones). This is a horrible situation for you and your son. Your concern about getting "partial custody" is valid, but you may be able to insist on supervised visitation. If you stay with this man, you will not be able to protect your son from his father's drinking. Eventually he will drink the way he wants to, regardless of whether you "OK" it or not.
I STRONGLY recommend you talk to a lawyer about what your legal options might be. Life with a "mean blackout drunk" is dangerous for you and your child.
Oh, and I also strongly recommend that you find an Al-Anon meeting. You will find there many, many friends who understand EXACTLY what you are dealing with. Al-Anon meetings are very low-key. You won't be expected to say anything unless you want to. Sometimes they go around the room to give everyone a chance to share, and all you have to say is, "I'd just like to listen today," and nobody will pressure you to talk.
Al-Anon saved my sanity.
You don't have control of his drinking NOW. You may feel like you do, because he asks for "permission" first, but eventually he gets his way. And it is going to become WORSE over time, as he decides he doesn't need your permission (which he doesn't--grown people have a right to make their own decisions, even bad ones). This is a horrible situation for you and your son. Your concern about getting "partial custody" is valid, but you may be able to insist on supervised visitation. If you stay with this man, you will not be able to protect your son from his father's drinking. Eventually he will drink the way he wants to, regardless of whether you "OK" it or not.
I STRONGLY recommend you talk to a lawyer about what your legal options might be. Life with a "mean blackout drunk" is dangerous for you and your child.
Oh, and I also strongly recommend that you find an Al-Anon meeting. You will find there many, many friends who understand EXACTLY what you are dealing with. Al-Anon meetings are very low-key. You won't be expected to say anything unless you want to. Sometimes they go around the room to give everyone a chance to share, and all you have to say is, "I'd just like to listen today," and nobody will pressure you to talk.
Al-Anon saved my sanity.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
My heart goes out to you. You will find SoberRecovery an amazing source of comfort, friendship, knowledge and honesty. I hope that you come here often. For me, leaving an abusive alcoholic husband after 20 years just a year ago, this place was my salvation.
I think you've gotten some very good advice here. If you can go to your parents' house with your son, even for 2 or 3 weeks, that will give you some peace and quiet to begin to think through what you need to do next to be free of this wrenching painful situation with your ABF (alcoholic boyfriend).
It might help not to worry about the worst that could happen and instead get yourself out of the chaos. People here on SR often say the 3 C's about an alcoholic partner:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
I think there ought to be one more: You don't have own it.
There is a fulfilled, happy life ahead for you. There is a path toward healing yourself. Stick around here, and we'll all share our journeys in hopes that you can take hope from how many of us have suffered similar problems, endured, healed, and finally became truly happy on our own.
ShootingStar1
I think you've gotten some very good advice here. If you can go to your parents' house with your son, even for 2 or 3 weeks, that will give you some peace and quiet to begin to think through what you need to do next to be free of this wrenching painful situation with your ABF (alcoholic boyfriend).
It might help not to worry about the worst that could happen and instead get yourself out of the chaos. People here on SR often say the 3 C's about an alcoholic partner:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
I think there ought to be one more: You don't have own it.
There is a fulfilled, happy life ahead for you. There is a path toward healing yourself. Stick around here, and we'll all share our journeys in hopes that you can take hope from how many of us have suffered similar problems, endured, healed, and finally became truly happy on our own.
ShootingStar1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2
Thankyou all for your replies. I really appreciate it, and I'm glad I found this site. I'm going to try get therapy for myself as soon as possible. I have a lot to think about, I wish I could keep my family together and just have the good times.. but I know realistically I should take your collective advice and save myself and my son before it gets any worst.
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