My older sister is a meth addict.

Old 07-06-2013, 05:18 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1
My older sister is a meth addict.

My older sister is a meth addict and has been in and out of jail since I was 14. I am now 24. My older brother was the first to cut her off years ago and my parents and I just cut her off last year. For years and years my parents and tried to help her recover, from taking her back in every time she relapses or goes to jail to help her get back on her feet, to bringing her to various rehabs, to many interventions. Still, she always went back to the drugs.

I try not to be but I feel I am very resentful of her. Ever since i can remember, she's been very abusive towards me, used various amounts of drugs in front of me, and has not been what an older sister should be. I guess I feel like she's chosen drugs over her family. The last time my parents and i cut her off we gave her a choice, either you go to rehab and we support you and become a family again, or you choose the drugs and we cut you off completely. She chose the drugs.

I just got engaged and had a daughter and now my sister wants to pop back in my life. This is normal for her. Every couple of months for the past ten years she tries to pop back into our lives, never addressing the problem, just acting like nothing ever happened. Like she doesn't have a drug problem. Never once has she acknowledged that she has a problem or that she's done anything wrong. She always tells my parents and I that we send her away every chance we get but we only send her away every time she relapses. She says the we are the ones with the problem. She is in complete denial. She was recently pregnant while I was and was all over her social network boasting about it, then a couple months later told everyone on there how she got an abortion because nobody cares for her. My cousins saw her high on the street recently after that.

I know I shouldn't but sometimes I go on her social network to see how she is and sometimes she mentions is in some of her posts and how yes turned our backs on her. This makes me extremely angry because she is trying to act like we abandoned her for no reason. I message her sometimes saying that I love her but I do not support her drug habit and whenever she's ready to change all you have to do is call. But she doesn't call or she'll avoid what I said and just try to start asking me how things are with me and brings up old good times we had then I begin getting angry Because she never wants to address the problem and we end up arguing.

Anyway, if there's anything I learned the past 10 years, it's that you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. But I still can't help but feel upset. Since the last time we cut her out last year my parents and I have been doing much better moving on with our lives.

Now she wants to meet my daughter but I don't want her around her at all. I don't want my daughter to grow up seeing or being around what I did. I don't want to explain why her auntie is in and out of jail or why she is acting weird (drugged up) and talking to herself (which she does while she's high). I also don't want my sister coming and leaving my daughters life whenever she feel is convenient for her. There is no stability there and I don't think it would be fair to my daughter or my family. My sister called me a snob on her social network for everyone to see after I told her all of this through a message. She still does not get it..

Are my parents and i wrong for cutting her out of our lives completely? Does it make me a bad person for being resentful towards her for all that she's put me and my family through? Am I wrong for not wanting my daughter anywhere near her?
Jabe is offline  
Old 07-06-2013, 05:53 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
The sun still shines
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
No, no and no. This is your life and you get to choose who you want in it and you get to protect your daughter. In spite of how your sister is trying to shift blame, she gets to take responsibility for her actions and the consequences.

One of the most manipulative behaviours of addicts is to try and let you feel that you are a bad and uncaring person. You are not. You are simply a normal human being with enough clarity to know that you had enough.
Sunshine2 is offline  
Old 07-06-2013, 06:19 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Mountainmanbob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Jabe View Post

Are my parents and i wrong for cutting her out of our lives completely? Does it make me a bad person for being resentful towards her for all that she's put me and my family through? Am I wrong for not wanting my daughter anywhere near her?
the life of an addict is a sad one
seems you and your daughter could meet her at a neutral place
such as Mac Donald's for a simple bit to eat

truth is
addicts may die at any time
some (((light protected contact))) with her
may not be a bad thing for the both of you

you'll miss her when she's gone
Mountainmanbob is offline  
Old 07-06-2013, 07:41 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: In bizarroworld
Posts: 94
I think what you and your parents are doing is exactly what you need to do for YOU all. You are right in not wanting your daughter to be around her, in and out of her life. Should she have to go through the stress you all are going through?

My sister died from drugs on New Years Eve 2 years ago. I was, for a moment, upset. Then I realized that I knew it was going to end that way sooner or later. Now she is at peace. But I had cut myself off from her drama several years before, only to have to live through it with my exab. I finally cut him out on July 4th because, after 4 years, I refuse to watch HIM kill himself with drugs, too. I had to turn him over to God.

Only you know whats best for you but it doesn't sound like your sister is ready to take responsibility for her actions but is still willing to drive you all nuts. I think you're doing the right thing, as hard as it is to do.
terryr97 is offline  
Old 07-06-2013, 08:30 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Unfortunately what you are experiencing is very typical addict behavior. They try to make their loved ones feel guilty for disconnecting from the their irrational and often dangerous behaviors. When we disengage......detach with love, it doesn't mean that we don't love them but I'm sure it looks that way from their perspective.

At some point in time, self preservation comes into play. We have to do what is best for us. The reason that her words sting is because there is an element of truth to them. You and your parents HAVE pulled back....but you've also made it extremely clear that she will have support if/when she decides to seek recovery. And at that point (when she makes that decision) I do believe that family support and encouragement becomes very important.

Just because your sister says something doesn't make it true. The "my family has abandoned me" is a method of gaining sympathy from others (including the family members who desperately want to prove to the addict that they are loved).

Do what you need to do for you and your family. Setting boundaries is important. You can say what you mean (state the boundary clearly), mean what you say (your boundary is not negotiable) and not say it mean.

gentle hugs
ke
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 07-06-2013, 09:29 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 15
Jabe, I feel for you. That's a tough spot to be in.

I think what you're feeling is completely normal. Setting boundaries is extremely difficult, especially when you haven't set them before.

I also don't know if I agree with others that light contact, in a supervised setting (or public) is a good thing.

The mother of my newborn (25 days old today) is an addict, and immediately after birth, she went missing and we can only assume she's been homeless. She somehow made it to visitation hours, but had lost an incredible amount of weight, had a black eye, numerous bruises/cuts/scabs, and track marks. I'd rather not see her like this and have that be the last memory of her if she chooses to go down this path.

I want to remember her as the beautiful, smart, caring and sweet mother of my gorgeous son, sister to 3, and friend to many. That's the woman I've chose to welcome back into my life. Until then, my boundaries are pretty set and I will only cross paths during court ordered visitation.
sleepy22 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:11 AM.