He called to make amends...advice?

Old 07-05-2013, 06:44 PM
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He called to make amends...advice?

Looking for some advice. My ex bf called to make amends. We haven't talked in almost 2 years. I'm really caught off guard and not sure what to do. It definitely re-surfaced some feelings that I thought I had buried forever. I'm happy he is sober yet his call made me feel sad, happy, mad, hurt, excited...pretty much every emotion you can think of.
Has anyone else had a similar situation? Did you talk to the person? Ignore them? Did it help you or hurt you?

Thanks
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Old 07-05-2013, 07:15 PM
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I haven't personally had that experience, but I know people who have. I really think everyone's reaction is different. I know some people who wound up angry because the "amends" did not match their expectations. I know some people who felt good about it.

I think one of the key things is to keep your expectations under control--i.e., don't have any. It's totally up to you whether you want to meet with him or not. If he is working the Steps the way they are taught in the Big Book, you won't hurt his recovery if you refuse. Making the gesture is what's important to his recovery--not your reaction to it.

I'd take a few days to think about it.

Oh, and one other thing--unless you are a victim of abuse or feel that he is contacting you with bad intentions, I wouldn't ignore it. If you don't want to meet with him all you have to say is that you appreciate the gesture, but you really don't want to see or talk to him again.
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Old 07-05-2013, 07:19 PM
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Personally, it helped me clear the air. I will admit my ex's addiction really was not one of sobriety, it was another form, but it helped me a little bit. We were capable of having a sit down and actually express ourselves and what we came to realize. No one is expecting you to embrace him or even date him again. Do whatever you feel is right for you. Burying the hatchet was the greatest thing I could have ever done. The truth hurt greatly, but the world was off my shoulders to know that that person was fully honest to me for once and was able to have this conversation for me.

I hope this helped you a bit. Good luck and I support whatever decision you ultimately make. You are the only one capable of determining what is best for you.
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Old 07-05-2013, 08:02 PM
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The truth hurt greatly, but the world was off my shoulders to know that that person was fully honest to me for once and was able to have this conversation for me.
I am sorry the truth hurt you SecondMilitia, but I admire and respect your ability to go
and then let it go. (world off your shoulders)

Beth

whatisnext,

I haven't had that experience either. I am not sure I would be able to see the person
unless I had already let it go and/or forgiven them.
I agree that ignoring him would not be a good thing for either one of you, because I
would wonder what they wanted to say, and that would keep them in my brain longer.
I agree with Lexie, think about it and let him know.
and that it is entirely up to you whether you go or not.

Beth
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Old 07-05-2013, 08:38 PM
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Wow guys, thank you. All of you make excellent points and are helping me along in this thought process. If I go ahead with this, I definitely need to make sure that i have absolutely no expectations.
Beth- I have to admit that since I received his message it's all I have been able to think about. You're right that if I do not speak to him, it will just keep me wondering and keep him in my brain longer.
I just don't want to go into the conversation with any anger. It's hard not to be angry when I think of the hell he put me through. I just keep trying to remember that the only thing I would have control over in this situation is my reaction. At the end of the day, I loved that jerk and I really do want him to be healthy. I have no doubt that it's gonna hurt though. The truth always does!
I sincerely thank you for the replies. I feel a little more relaxed already.
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Old 07-05-2013, 09:59 PM
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It is very common for alcoholics to loop back months or years later with an idea of resuming a relationship. Very common.

If you have been no contact, then you cannot know for sure he is actually sober. This could be a fish line he's thrown out to you, and I would be very cautious.

And if he is sober.....I'd still be cautious. He is still in what could be called early sobriety. And his judgment and particularly his emotional maturity may not be reliable.

I have never been contacted by my exAH wanting to make an amends. But I feel no curiosity about him nor do I want any kind of conversation that seems "intimate" with someone I am certain I would not trust, no matter what he said to open a door with me. And I feel no obligation at all to hear anything he might have to say.

If you feel you need to hear an amends and want to risk the contact, then open that door only for you. You owe him nothing.
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Old 07-06-2013, 03:44 AM
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Please take sometime to think about the effect this may have on you.

It may hurt you more that help you.

I personally would not be up for hearing anything my x had to say.
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Old 07-06-2013, 07:37 AM
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English Garden and Katie Kate- THANK YOU!

I know he is not calling to get back together but I am scared of how the conversation will make me feel. We have had no contact and I've come such a long way. I can't go back to that dark place. I feel like having a conversation with him will either make me feel really good or really bad. There will be no in between. I don't know if its worth the risk of possibly feeling bad again.
You are so right...I owe him nothing!!! Not sure if it is worth the risk. I'm sooo confused!!! I just don't know what to do.
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Old 07-06-2013, 07:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Katiekate View Post
Please take sometime to think about the effect this may have on you.

It may hurt you more that help you.

I personally would not be up for hearing anything my x had to say.
I don't know, I think if my ex said, "Hey, here's $50K toward everything I cost you financially with all the crap I pulled during our years together..." I might agree to listen to him. LOL.

On a more serious note, an ex-best friend left a message on my phone about a year ago that she was calling to make amends. She has made "amends" to me before. She is so insincere it would be laughable if it weren't so sad. She bounces in and out of rehabs and AA pretends to go through the steps, but she simply does not really want to quit drinking.

Amazingly, she did once--for seven years. She had a life--a good job, an apartment, a savings account--and then developed an illusion that she could have one drink with dinner like everyone else. During those seven years, we had great times--she was there with me through my divorce, we took trips to the Bahamas and Puerto Rico, did a lot of fun stuff. Eventually after she went back to her drinking I had to cut her off completely after she became so wet-brained she didn't make sense anymore. It's as if I had a friend who died, but as far as I know, she's still alive somewhere.
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Old 07-06-2013, 08:10 AM
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Whatisnext.....My observation, for what its worth. (I'm a newbie around here). You're already tormenting yourself. You're already in a negative space with mounting negative energy swirling around you.

Put it to bed. Lay it down. It seems it's already causing you the pain you don't want in your life. I think you have your answer if you observe your feelings right now.

Just my two cents. Goodluck!!
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Old 07-06-2013, 08:35 AM
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There are NEVER any guarantees any particular experience will turn out to be good or turn out to be awful. So my suggestion is this. IF you decide to hear him out, agree to meet in a coffee shop or someplace. If it gets too uncomfortable for you, all you need to say is, "Look, I honestly wish you the best, but this conversation is becoming uncomfortable for me. Best of luck, please don't contact me again." And then leave. If you are talking on the phone, same thing, and then hang up.

It might actually be healing for you. I'm not pushing you to agree--that obviously is something you have to decide for yourself. I'm just saying that it doesn't have to hurt you if your head is in the right place, and you go with an open mind and a willingness to do what you need to do for yourself if it is getting too uncomfortable.
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Old 07-06-2013, 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by izzyrose05 View Post
Whatisnext.....My observation, for what its worth. (I'm a newbie around here). You're already tormenting yourself. You're already in a negative space with mounting negative energy swirling around you.

Put it to bed. Lay it down. It seems it's already causing you the pain you don't want in your life. I think you have your answer if you observe your feelings right now.

Just my two cents. Goodluck!!
I like it, no new contact no new pain. Protect yourself.

Will his sponsor be there, does he have a sponsor???
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Old 07-06-2013, 08:52 AM
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Sponsors don't accompany people doing an amends. Ideally, the Step is worked with the assistance of a sponsor, who will provide guidance on how to do it. They always stress the part about "except when to do so would harm them or others."

And, really, a lot of people try to get out of attempting an amends on the theory that "it will harm the other person." Sometimes that is simply looking for an "out"--so usually, unless it really seems likely to cause harm, it is recommended that the attempt be made. If the other person says "no" that should be the end of it.
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Old 07-06-2013, 09:00 AM
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Originally Posted by whatisnext View Post
Looking for some advice. My ex bf called to make amends. We haven't talked in almost 2 years. I'm really caught off guard and not sure what to do. It definitely re-surfaced some feelings that I thought I had buried forever. I'm happy he is sober yet his call made me feel sad, happy, mad, hurt, excited...pretty much every emotion you can think of.
Has anyone else had a similar situation? Did you talk to the person? Ignore them? Did it help you or hurt you?

Thanks
Maybe it is good, even though it was painful in some ways, that his call helped resurface feelings you "thought you had buried forever". Burying isn't always the best thing. Sometimes airing them out, while uncomfortable, gives you a new perspective. Maybe examine those emotions in the light of who you are now instead of who you were then.

Just throwing this out there--feel free to discard what doesn't apply, of course!

I still have feelings I wish I could bury about the years I spent with my ex. We are still somewhat in touch because we have a now-grown daughter. That's why I'm still stopping in on this forum occasionally so many years after my marriage ended.
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Old 07-06-2013, 09:21 AM
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DAMN! ur lucky you got that...(i still get the finger pointing..)

what you do with it of course is YOUR CALL...
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Old 07-06-2013, 10:07 AM
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First thing I thought of when I read your post is a weird "amends" I got, in a WEIRD situation, many years ago.

to make a long story short, I ran into a woman under really unexpected, bizarre circumstances. SO unexpected and weirdly synchronistic.......


Anyway, I knew her from grade school. She was the class bully and led all the kids in a sustained attack on me, for 6 years, till I left for public school.

She made my already hellish life even more hellish. I don't want to hijack your thread any more than I already am, so I don't want to go explaining that mess, but-- let me just say, it was on the extreme end of the Rotten Karma spectrum.

oy vey!

Anyway, her amends was an on the spot thing---there she was at the door, and when we realized who we were looking at, she did her amends.

Problem was, it really didn't acknowledge me and what my experience might have been. It felt more like a self-justification. Her words were, "I need to make amends to you. Sorry. I was going through a hard time" (her parents were divorcing). I felt like she wanted ME to comfort or excuse HER. I sure didn't see any concern for me, that's for certain.

So, I froze. Couldn't think of what to say, but she had no idea what "a hard time" means.


Sigh...didn't mean to hijack (well, maybe I'm not hijacking tooooo bad--you did ask if anyone else had an amends experience), but the REASON I went into it is that, I guess I want to say, there are many kinds of amends. That kind of amends that she did felt more like getting used all over again. She felt virtuous, I'm sure, but there was no awareness of the fact that her actions truly harmed another person.

So, he might or might not be "real" in his amends to you. How would it affect you if it was superficial, and self-serving like that? How would it affect you if it was sincerely remorseful-- aware of you and the harm done?

How fragile are you still feeling over this?

I guess those are all questions to consider. And as izzyrose said, you are *already* bunched up about it. That's kind of a hint, there.
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Old 07-06-2013, 02:22 PM
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step 9 says to make direct amends to those we have harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others. if YOU are not in a place to accept his amends, that is OK, say so. and leave it at that. if you are uncomfortable or unsure, honor that and decline. if you aren't up to face to face, consider asking him to write a letter. if you aren't up for a letter....let it go.
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Old 07-06-2013, 02:43 PM
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What's in it for you? Really. There are times to be selfish, this is one of them.
If you would like to hear amends from him, it would probably contain some parts that you would have liked to have heard two years ago, and fall short of your wishes also.
If it is going to trigger you to see him, then kindly suggest he write you a letter, or as Anvil said, state that you are not in a comfortable place to accept amends from him.
Do what is best for you. It won't be painful for him to not have to follow through. If hearing his amends would bring you relief, or a sense of validation, then listen to them.
All that above can be summed up in--go with your instinct on this.
I have heard amends. They were validating, which was important to me. They were not thorough, that would take days or weeks. But each person is different, and his amends might possibly be simply awful, as another person posted.
So if you listen, do that for yourself.
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Old 07-06-2013, 06:54 PM
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Originally Posted by izzyrose05 View Post
Whatisnext.....My observation, for what its worth. (I'm a newbie around here). You're already tormenting yourself. You're already in a negative space with mounting negative energy swirling around you.

Put it to bed. Lay it down. It seems it's already causing you the pain you don't want in your life. I think you have your answer if you observe your feelings right now.

Just my two cents. Goodluck!!
JMO. I have to agree with this member's post.
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Old 07-06-2013, 07:20 PM
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You are so right...I owe him nothing!!! Not sure if it is worth the risk. I'm sooo confused!!! I just don't know what to do.
I agree with the others that said maybe you could just leave this for now.
You do owe him nothing at all.
If you are in any way upset worried or anxious, then no is the best answer,
it would be for me.
I had let go of all the angst against my ex when he wanted to do that,
and sadly, he still did/does not get it.

"No, ex husband, what you owe is between you and the state, I can do nothing.
I did not cause it, I can not control it, and I can not cure it. Pay the money,
then get your license!"


first is always you, take care of and love yourself first.

Beth
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