gubersbunny

My husband had been sober for 24 years before I met him and for 2 years after we started dating. We moved to a town where drugs were easier to find than litter on the street. We did not know this when we moved, I had just gotten a new good job which is the reason why we moved. Over the last two years he has struggles with slips and a relapse which landed him in legal trouble. He had been going to meeting and doing really well except when I was having some difficulty working my steps as a spouse. I have some long standing issues with self esteem and after a meeting need to just tell someone what I was feeling to get it out and the person I trusted that say to do this with was my husband. He misunderstood the intent of me talking about feeling stupid or inadequate and got mad. The next day he came home for his treatment meeting with news that his counselor wanted me to start attending some family/spouse oriented meetings (which I want to do) but the suddenness of it caught me off guard and I asked if there was any information on the program that I could get familiar with and he blew up he had only been in it for 2 days so he didn't know much how to explain it either. The next day I came home and he was drinking and going on about how I blamed other people for my feelings and he went out of his way to get me help too and I didn't appreciate any of if. As far as I know he hasn't gone back to meth or anything other than alcohol this time.

Unfortunately I didn't handle it well and he got more pissed off and well we got into it somewhat physically (no he doesn't beat me) he was so out of it he was swinging in air but has convinced himself he hit me when he didn't. Now he's been drinking off and on for 3 days saying none of it matters anyway and he's be better off back in jail or just gone out of my life and every ones life. How do I help mend my part of the bad behavior and help support him until he can get back on the right path of sobriety again? I yelled and screamed and hit the beer out of his hand which I know was not the best way to handle the situation but I had just the right buttons pushed to make me mad and I didn't step back and look at the whole picture of what was going on. How do I make it through this time knowing what I did an show can I support him and get him back working on his goal of sobriety?? I don't want to make decisions for him but I want to be there along with him having our individual recovery

allforcnm

I can share some from my experience because my husband and I both did individual therapy, and also marriage counseling at the same time. In fact the rehab that he was in suggested the marriage counseling and considered it part of his recovery experience. In our case we had been separated for a while due to his drug addiction, and we had many issue to work on in order to restore our relationship. Part of the goal was also to make sure my husband was coming home to a stable environment where we did not have all of this tension between us, unresolved past issues and the like. The goal was also to make sure we had a healthy interdependence between us. (I have to mention one thing however; his rehab was non-12 step and it really did not believe in as much of the “hands off” approach that I feel alanon encourages between spouses).

But anyway, a couple things I see from what you wrote; first would it be possible for you to attend some private therapy in order to work on some of the issues that you identified within yourself as being a concern? Your husband sounds like he is having trouble coping with his emotions and knowing how to process his feelings in regards to you. Im glad to hear that he is involved in an outpatient program as this should help him if he sticks with it. I would definitely attend the sessions with him through the program. My husbands rehab had joint sessions with both patients and family also; I found them very helpful and it helps you gain perspective and see through the other person’s eyes a little bit.

Overall – I would just be honest with your husband. When he is not drinking, I
would explain you want to do the sessions with him, you were caught off guard, are having a bit of trouble yourself processing all that has been going on. And then whatever else comes upon your heart to tell him. If you have concerns over how to support your husband’s recovery, while working on your own codependency issues then I suggest talking to one of the counselors at his outpatient program. Explain your own feelings and thoughts, and see if they can help you feel more comfortable with your role.

A couple of other suggestions; my therapist recommended this book: Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening by Robert J Meyers Ph.D. and it basically is very good at helping you learn communication techniques, changing unhealthy patterns of behavior between both of you, looking at your part, his part, setting healthy boundaries, etc. I used principles in this to help me navigate my husbands first year of recovery; its really just a lot about healthy communication and support of recovery. ( You can also go to amazon and look up reviews, and read a part of the first chapter). Might be helpful in some of what you are dealing with. And don’t let the title fool you, it is really not about thinking we can “get” them to stop drinking or using; as we all know regardless of what we do – only they have the power of self control in regards to their own body.