BlueChair

Im not really someone who joins in internet chats but I am feeling desperate for some hope right now from people who have been through something like what Im going through right now. Im sorry if this is written badly, I am very tired, Ive been crying a lot for a couple days and my eyes just burn right now.
My husband had problem with drugs in the past but I thought it was all long over. About 3 months ago after a trip to las vegas with some of his guy friends he started acting different. About a month ago, one of these friends showed up and needed his help and my husband left with him. He didn't come home for two days. I was going insane. No answers to calls, texts, no one could reach him or his friend. Police wouldn't help and acted like I was a obsessive nut. His parents were concerned but had no luck tracking him down either. We all knew it was bad news with whatever was going on with this friend. He came home looked awful, crying he said he had been using and shooting up. Barely crawled out of there he said and he begged me for understanding and he would make it all right. He was better for a couple weeks. Then he disappeared again. This time the police got involved, we found his car. His friends place was like a crack house you see in movies. The friend was arrested for drugs, my husband was not there. His friend said he went off with someone and didn't ever come back, another drug guy. He called me after about a week and said his car was missing, he made no sense in much of what he said. Ended up just stopped talking into the phone but didnt hang up on me. The police wrote all this up to drugs and wouldn't help us find him. His parents hired an investigator, and no luck with that. Finally earlier this week we found him outside of our city in some guys apartment, other druggies there including women trading favors for drugs. I didn't go there but I was told this. His parents arranged for him to be admitted to a drug rehabilitation facility. He went there without much fight I guess because he was wasted. Blood test showed cocaine, heroin and he was injecting both by the needle marks. Probably sharing dirty needles, unprotected sex. They found a bunch of types of drugs in his blood. I'm sick, heartbroken, disgusted. I had not seen him until early today. He was asleep when I went in, they have him on some sort of medications. I know this sounds crazy, but his wedding ring is gone. I started bawling my eyes out. He looks so sick, and I'm so scared. They ran tests for HIV and Hepatitis and they came back negative but said they would have to recheck later. I can't face him when he wakes up. I can't stop crying, can't eat, tried, can't keep it down. We are all staying in a hotel right now near this place. Last night I too sleep medicine to help me, and I rested a good 6 hours. I feel like he can't come back from this. He is an addict, he will never be well, the road is long right now, and at this minute I don't have the strength to walk it. He looks terrible, his skin color, his face is drawn, he has track marks, so many on his arms, I don't know him like this. His mom said someone probably stole his wedding ring, or he gave it away for drugs because the investigator helped us freeze up any money so he had none except whatever cash he had when he left and I doubt it lasted long.

what are the chances a later test will be positive for HIV or hepatitis. The doctor said unlikely but it happens.

I need someone to tell me my husband can come back.

I forgot to say that he was transferred to the hospital from the rehab place right after he arrived because they said he was dehydrated, and he was throwing up blood. We dont know how long he will be here yet.

AnvilheadII

oh goodness BlueChair, your whole world has just been turned upside down. i'm so sorry. that's too much for any one person to take. i'm glad you found SR, because you are NOT alone.

addicts can and do recover. can YOUR husband recover? only time will tell. he got himself in a bad way in a hurry. as the dr said, there is a need for future tests on the stds.

today he is in the best place possible to get the help HE needs. so now it becomes about YOU. reaching out here is a good start.

drunkyjules

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I don't have experience with what your going through but it sounds like a horrible place to be. I guess I would take it a day at a time, or a minute at a time if you have to. Know that you can't fix him, its something he has to do. People do come back from the edge but it has to be from their true desire to live a sober life.

Try and take care of yourself and know that you will make it through this. I'll be praying for you!

BlueChair

My parents are supposed to be here tomorrow. My mother in law is trying to take care of me and acting brave but none of us are doing very good right now. We still dont know where the blood is coming from, but the doctors think there may be some kind of perforation and they did one test but plan on doing another one tomorrow I think. I am just scared I guess and I feel weird asking for help online, but its all iv got right now is access to this while I sit here.

BlueChair

Your right, all I can do is just wait and see, one minute at a time. If anyone has can share some stories of people getting better that would be really good about now.

allthatsgood

Bluechair, I am so very sorry for what you and your family are going through right now. As Anvil mentioned, your husband is in the best place he can be right now and hopefully this will bring you some peace. It all comes down to whether your husband chooses to work on recovery. Unfortunately, there's nothing that you can say or do to make that happen. He has to want that himself. I am the mom of a 23 yr old recovering addict son. The road to recovery was not an easy one for my son. It took several attempts but he finally made the decision and has a little over a year clean. Recovery is possible but it takes hard work. You have come to a good place and will find a lot of support here. Take the time to educate yourself about addiction. The stickies at the top of the page are a good place to start. Prayers being sent your way.

EnglishGarden

William Moyers' first book--I think its title is "Cracked"--might be on Kindle, if you are searching something to read which can describe the reality but also give you some hope.

He is the journalist Bill Moyers' son and he was a severe crack addict who came back from the edge. I hope it will help you.

I'm very sorry for your profound grief and this sudden shock to your life. Structure will be what both you and your husband and your husband's family will need once he is stabilized. It helps brings order out of the chaos, it helps people regain their rational faculties, and it can bring a feeling of security.

Structure comes in many forms, but one way addicts find it is in multiple 12-Step meetings per week and at least one weekly session with a therapist (after the addict has stabilized and is ready to begin this). And I found in my own life that that is exactly what I needed as the codependent spouse.

I hope he gets the help he needs to get enough solid ground under him to begin the daily work of staying clean and sober.

And I hope you get the help you need to be able to take yourself out of that picture, for it will be his challenge, his plan, his choices, his recovery or his lifelong drug abuse. It is all his.

You have a life, a divine and sacred life, and your challenge will be to live it fully and with all your heart and mind, no matter what he is doing with his.

irisgardens

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through...and glad that you know and are willing to take it one minute at a time. Right now, it sounds like that is all there is.

There are a lot of wise words written above...and no one can write his story but him. I am going to read the book cracked...as I have had two addict daughters who are now functional...although one has a horrible and negative personality towards me (thorough charming and fabulous to everyone else) and currently have my youngest daughter as an active heroin addict who is living in the streets...trying to locate her as she chose to cut contact on April 7th and we cannot locate her with certainty...and I am just worried sick.

I had to get back into naranon, alanon and here and another support group to be able to make it through just one minute at a time. I am breathing, got myself a job from the foreign country I had moved to to semi-retire with hubby, am starting over from scratch, and the daughter who I supported for the previous 12 years has chosen to be horribly negative and bonded with my family of origin to continue the scapegoating...so I am in a different area...continuing in my long-term recovery with detachment and surrender and taking care of myself.

I have made lots of progress over the years, but it is even more important this time, as I allowed the addicts in my life to spend my savings, my energy, and my life...and when I needed a hand up...they turned their backs...two generations now. So, PLEASE take care of yourself...and let him take the steps he has to take on his own...sometimes by caring so much we just get in their way. It is so scary, but I have learned that it is the only way.

God bless and gentle huggs.

incitingsilence

One day at a time, for you.

Now that you know, you need to understand that he is in the best place he can be. So take solace in that, he will get the help he needs and whether he is willing or not to learn, he will. Also, you can’t at all save him, but in that you must take steps to take good care of you. Yes he should be retested, you should be tested as well now and then again as protocol suggests for your own peace of mind if nothing else. No matter what you believe...


This by English Garden.
The above is it in the easiest form to understand. If you can always keep present that this is his journey and you can’t help him … Helping in this madness always has the total opposite effect. And take the time for you, get educated on addiction, on enabling, on codependency you will give yourself the best gift possible.

Sadly none of us have a crystal ball. He is the only one responsible for if he makes it. And you will be responsible for how well your life is as well within it all. Are there stories of hope and success, sure tons of them, but it will be your success story that will be most important.

Believe in you … Have faith in you … detach, find acceptance as it goes a long way and pray lots for him.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......I hope you find hope and comfort here. We were all like you at some point. Frightened, overwhelmed......and we reached out....just like you. You are not alone.

Is it possible for your husband to recover? No one can read the future for you or your husband....good or bad. Unfortunately, we (the loved ones) often foresee only the "bad" in their future. Addicts won't stop using until they are ready....not one minute sooner.....that's just the way it seems to work.

My son was homeless off and on, using (meth was his DOC but he also used heroin---up down up down) for a period of about 4-5 years (his addiction began at the age of 14 with alcohol and he is now 32). At one point he was beaten badly (pistol whipped) and shot at (the bullet went through the collar on his coat). He had lacerations all over his head requiring stitches and had emergency surgery to save the hand (defensive wounds) as the bones in the hand and index finger were shattered as he tried to protect his skull from the beating.

I had no hope of him ever recovering. I thought he was in way too deep.

Fast forward......last November, he checked himself into the Salvation Army Adult Rehab Center in a nearby city and stayed for the full six months of the program. He will be 8 months sober this month.

I didn't see recovery in his future a year ago. But here we are.

Will he stay clean and sober? I don't know. I simply don't go there. God has proven to me that I'm a really lousy fortune teller so I turn things over to Him and take it a day at a time.

Nar-Anon has been instrumental in my own recovery from the emotional, psychological and spiritual injury from the shrapnel of my son's addiction. Addiction is a family disease. It affects, not just the addict, but approximately 5 - 10 people around them. Nar-Anon is a sister program to NA (Narcotics Anonymous) and we learn how to cope with addiction and to live our lives fully.......whether the addict continues to use or not. The added bonus is that if/when the addict does pursue recovery, we are armed with a full tool chest of coping skills and a common language that can best support the addict in recovery.

You've done a brave thing to reach out to a bunch of strangers on this forum. You are in the midst of tremendous chaos and finding support is so important. I'm glad you have the support and love of family. The folks on SR have become an extended family for me.......I hope that you'll continue to reach out. We'll walk with you.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

eggdogg1234

I extend the love that is offered here and understand to the best of my abilities what you are going through and where you are at. In some form all of us have been there or are still there. For me the combination of SR, a counselor and alanon is what has given me the tools to reshape my thoughts and relationships allowing me to live day by day with a sense of happiness and serenity. I am not perfect even if I try to be but those three tools have been a godsend for me.

The addict in my life was my exwife. I met her when she was already in the throws of active addiction. She was homeless and I helped her get off the streets. When I kicked her out of our home she told me she was going to kill herself because of me. I told her I loved her and wished her luck. After 7 years of living together she was homeless again. She had track marks all the way up her arm, she was strung out, she had trashed the car we bought her, she had no money, she had no hope, she had no light.

I watched her go in and out of rehab for years. I watched her put the pieces together and then take them all apart over and over again. She had/has hep C from being an IV user. Her drug of choice was drugs, in particular meth, heroine and oxy. Her drug use had gotten so bad that she would pop some pills and literally wander around for 24 to 48 hours with absolutely no clue what was happening and then not remember anything that she had done the next day. She got a DUI, when the cops showed up she was wandering around the car she crashed with zero idea what day it was, what time it was and what had happened. She did not hurt anybody in the crash and was only going about 5 mph.

Today she has just over two years of sobriety, actual sobriety. She just got a job that she has been trying to get for many many years working at the school for the blind and deaf. She is happy and protects her sobriety with her life because she is deathly afraid of what would happen if she uses again. Everyone is different, no one can tell the future...but people do have the ability to pull themselves out of holes that are seemingly bottomless (this goes for the addict and the co-addict). There is always hope for the addict but there is no guarantee about anything. One of the first things my counselor asked me was "are you prepared for her death?" She did not set herself straight until I got out her way completely which was the hardest thing I have ever done.

Do your best as you walk through this. Take it one day at time for a long time. Turn your addict's life over to the care of god because you cannot provide it. Be kind to yourself and get an ice cream cone every once in a while and eat it with a smile.

GardenMama

Dear BlueChair,

My heart goes out to you right now.

I am the mother of a 19yo daughter who overdosed by iv heroin and nearly died in her bedroom a year and a half ago. We were in the hospital for 5 weeks with her. She made a full physical recovery against great odds, but did not admit to regular heroin use until 6 months later when she relapsed. She was in rehab for 28 days last summer and has been clean now for many months, at least to my knowledge. She worked an intensive outpatient program, got back into college, and then recently left our city with her much older BF who used for 15 years. I am still worried about her sobriety but I am learning to take each day as it comes, to love her as much as always. My work is to worry & control less. (I have found I am better at letting go of control than I am at letting go of worrying.)

I understand your sadness, shock, fear, confusion and anxiety. This is a great place to be for support, so please keep coming back here. Besides Moyers' book, I can recommend Beautiful Boy by David Sheff and his latest, Clean. Read as much as you can here, too, especially the stickies at the top of this forum.

If you only do one thing next week for yourself, find your way to a NarAnon meeting! They are incredible for support and context -- real people who have gone through or are in your situation. But please do more than one thing for yourself. Get some rest, eat, have a bubble bath or a nice swim. Take care, BlueChair. We are here for you.

mooselips

Good morning BlueChair,
My heart hurts for you.
I have walked in your shoes with both of my sons.
Thank goodness my H.P led me to this website, so I could get the
answers I needed, and at the same time, help ME.

One thing I learned in the very beginning was
to find a Alanon/NarAnon meeting group A.S.A.P. !
Sober Recovery is wonderful, but we need face to face support too!

One more thing is to be kind and gentle with myself.
Another persons addiction has nothing to do with me, it's Their choice to go down that path.
I needed support to keep myself strong, and sane...( okay, somewhat sane...lol)

I cannot guarantee your hubby will get better any time soon,
addiction is an ugly disease, but we're here for you...

hugs sweetie...........

BlueChair

I was reading all the replies to me. I am speechless at your kindness towards me. My family is here with me now and it is helping me a lot. I cnt believe how many friends and family have come here or have called and offered to help in any way they can. Im feeling a little more hopeful that we can get through this, but I am still so scared. My husband is being detoxed here at the hospital because of his physical condition. The doctors think the bleeding was coming from stomach ulcers, but he has an infection and is anemic. His color is looking better now. The doctor said if he had continued at the rate he was going he would be dead. Doctor also said this has probably been going on for longer than any of us knew. My husband is still sedated and we haven't had a proper talk yet. I held his hand and he knows I am with him here. His eyes looked so sad, but he said I love you. I really appreciate the posts from people telling me about how their person has got better. I need to hear these the most right now I think. Thank you to all of you who are worried about me, right now Im leaning big time on my family and some close friends. Thank you all so much, and I am very glad that I found this site and I will come back and read and post more as soon as I can.

Katiekate

This is the first time I have read this thread.

My God, how horrible for you BlueChair.

I am so glad you found us, as you can see above, you are in good hands.

Some of the words written above have me in tears.

Your fear is our fear. I am so glad you are with family and friends, keep them close, they will continue to lift you up.

I hope you have a chance to think about your healing in all of this, because you are so important, and getting some support and guidance for yourself is essential.

Please keep us posted, we care .

sending love to you and yours Katie xo

mooselips

Here's some hope

My son who will be 40 in Sept. is now sober, and working a FULL TIME, actually ON THE PAYROLL..(big thing 4 me ) job!
He started using drugs at age 14, and was in prison 4 times.

My other son, who just turned 35 is sober...well he's on a work release from prison right now, so I'm hopeful (but not holding my breath.) time will tell with that one. This is his first prison stint, sometimes it takes a few. Until they realize they're not smarter than the average bear, or police. hahaha

Miracles happen.
But, I still encourage you to put YOU first.

Hugs to u honey.....

BlueChair

I wanted to thank you again for the positive stories, and the book suggestions. I could use more positive if it is out there. I decided to read Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. I finished it already, and am going to start on his next book called Clean. I picked that one because he is from an area that is close to where we live, and it felt like there was a connection. I thought it would be good to hear all he learned. I was reading one night while sitting in my husband hospital room, and he asked me what it was about. I told him, and he asked me if he got better. I told him yes, but left out how many times he had to go through rehab. Puts this weight on my heart. We think he will be released next week, but they have had trouble getting the problem with his stomach and the infection under control. He keeps spiking fevers, and is still withdrawing from the drugs he had been taking, but seems to be a little better now. They have him on medications to help, but he has been very sick. He wants to come home and says he will be alright. The doctors told him he needs help, and his parents have told him he cant go home, and will be going to a rehab. They are a little upset because I wont flat out tell him he is not coming home. But he is not ready to be released yet, and he seems so scared and sad that I haven’t had the heart to have a full blown discussion with him about it.

I was wondering what length of rehab people have had the most success with? The doctor told us because he has been injecting the drugs that he is going to need intensive inpatient rehab and the longer the better. The one he was set up for was only a month long. The doctor gave us some other options, but I am so scared to have him sent away for months at a time. I want to do whatever is best for him though.

mooselips

What I have found, through experience of the 2 son's addiction was....you can lead a person to Rehab, but you can't make them sober.

IF your husband does not want help, does not ask for help, then don't bother.

Everyone unfortunately has a different bottom, for one of my son's, being on deaths door didn't deter him from continuing on drugs...........my other son finally said enough After I backed off and minded my own business, and he did 4 stints in prison. For today he is sober.

Prayers for you sweetie, I know how your heart hurts.

P.S. I'm not sure, IMO, if I would keep the news from him that he is not returning home. Actions=consequences.
Maybe he needs to come to terms with his actions and the consequences he has now incurred. (jmho)

pravchaw

I am so sorry for you. I am a father of a 21 yo marijuana addict who is (I hope) early recovery. Addiction is basically insanity. You cannot argue with an insane person. The drugs hijack the brain and trick it into thinking that they are essential for survival. The addict starts to recover when the pain of staying addicted becomes greater than the pain of getting sober. Once sober, he stays sober when the benefits of sobriety outweighs the benefits of addiction. The road for you and your husband is very hard. I hope you will focus on your self first.

allforcnm

Very sorry for all that you are going through. My husband went into a 90 day inpatient rehab, and while it seemed like a long time, it actually went by pretty fast. If you have found a good doctor at the hospital that has been advising you, then I would try to follow their advice as close as possible. Personally, I think that 30 day rehabs are too short for many people especially those with advanced addiction, or other problems that need attention (things behind the addiction). My husbands rehab offered lots of 1:1 counseling, and it was very helpful to him. I would suggest that you look at a rehab that offers as much personal therapy as possible. People do recover from addiction, so please don't lose hope. I would however brace myself because it could be a long process. Not necessarily but possibly. My husband now has 14+ months clean from a mixture of drugs but primarily opiate based pain meds. He is back home with me and our son and is doing well. Prayers will be going up for your family tonight.