Sally3127

I just feel I can't do anything right anymore. I am still beating myself up over the mistakes I have made at work. My self confidence is just zilch. I'm trying to enjoy my 4 day weekend but I keep playing last week over and over in my head with "if onlys." Ugh. The only thing I feel good about is that I'm not drinking. How does one build up their self confidence?

Soberpotamus

It just takes time, Sally. I was sitting here thinking, wow I'm down and depressed today... it's raining... I don't feel like doing anything... wanna go read in bed... etc. But I guess when all around me feels pretty uninspiring, and I am having those odd flashbacks of memories, and feeling down about things... the one thing that keeps me going, and feeling some sense of being emotionally charged, mentally charged (dare I say, even spiritually charged) is this knowledge or conviction that my sobriety is what all the good things hinge on... from here forward, staying sober and growing into that sobriety is the only thing that's going to bring me the self-confidence, the self-esteem, the possibility of making new good memories, new healthy relationships, new income prospects, the big life goals I still want to pursue... all of that.

So, just hang on for now, even though you are feeling down, because it just won't last.

Doing a series of little things... one or two things each day... and adding to them over time... that can help build up self-confidence. For me, I try to do a few things every day... I even keep a geeky spreadsheet to mark off when I do them They are: meditation, exercise, dishes, flossing my teeth (I have braces right now so it's a pain), and creative writing.

And you'll have to let those old mistakes at work go... no use in hanging onto that. We all make them. As long as you don't make the same ones, bosses can get over it!

Nuudawn

You know I was struggling with some useless mind buzzing and dwelling about a work incident a couple days ago. It sucks. I'm not sure how much sober time you have ..I'm only just over a month so in very early sobriety. We have to learn things all over again...mostly who the heck we are and how to process things and develop coping mechanisms. Early sobriety is the "ugly duckling" phase before you can glide across the pond like and elegant swan...or perhaps another metaphor, the caterpillar or larvae before the butterfly. That's how I look at it. I've been feeling incredibly dorky and awkward lately. I figure its because my senses aren't dulled by alcohol nor am I apathetic in hangover. Takes time to figure our life when we're "keepin' it real"..lol. We have a lot to learn and process...and our brains have some repairin to do. Happy to be in the awkward ugly ducklin' stage with ya.

Nonsensical

I find someone who is feeling down and ridicule them for all the mistakes they have made. Tear them a new one and let them have it.

You wouldn't do that to someone else?

Then don't do it to yourself either.

Do something today that will make tomorrow better. Take a run, plant a tree, donate your time. Just quit picking on my friend, Sally. She deserves better.

Get after it. You can do this.

Nuudawn

See! We're all a little dorky.
Just joshin SJ..beautiful and inspiring post.

Sally3127

Wow, you guys are great. I'm just sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I don't know what I would do without this forum. SJ, I'm so glad you are sticking around.

I just need to get over myself. I'm my own worse enemy. I have a tendency to iolate myself which doesn't help the old alcoholic brain. I'm going to take a much needed nap, then take a walk and go to a meeting. Thanks again everyone.

Soberpotamus

Isolation was my big thing too... I think it is for a lot of us. It STILL is for me really... it's the one thing I have to really keep an eye on... so that is why this forum is so invaluable. And I have to literally force myself out the door some days to meetings and such

Nuudawn... yeah I had that awkward thing going on too. Sort of still do. Seems to be going away now. But I'd sort of reel and lose my balance when standing up, not bad... but just a weird feeling. And the brain is working differently now, thankfully. Not the same sense of urgency, the fight or flight thing is going away... so I think that's amazing that now I can choose to act and not just react to things.

2granddaughters

I go to meetings, Sally.

All the best.

Bob R

Steven567

Hang in there Sally, things will get better

Dee74

For a month or two after I quit I still thought in the same old ways - thats how deep the roots went.

All that self loathing and beating myself up used to be good as excuses to drink, but didn't really serve much purpose to me sober - once I finally realised that, and once I accepted that I had changed from being that person, I began to feel better about myself - you will too Sally

D

Nuudawn

Oh how I want to get there! Thanks SJ : )

Bubovski

Try changing that annoying negative self talk into positive self talk assertions using acronyms. That's what I do!
For example A.S.I.A. ..A saint I ain't, D.I.D. ..Do it differently. ( Worn ways produce the same results) B.I.C. Blame is counter productive etc.

Based on cognitive behavioural therapy and I use over 200........very bad case to begin with (lol).

neferkamichael

Sally on the 10th I'll be 3 years sober, in September 2 years no cocaine, and now 1 year 1 month no cigarettes. Been doin pretty good without too much coffee with too much sugar as well. I too feel good about my chemical independence but there is something missing and I just can't figure it out. If ya find out how to build self-confidence please let me know. Rootin for ya.

Anna

Sally, I was also my own worst enemy, by far.

I expected perfection of myself, but not of anyone else.

Finally, I accepted that, at the end of the day, what matters is that I did the best I could do that day. No one else's opinion really matters.

Nighthawk8820

Hey Sally,
I think building up confidence takes a lot of time, especially since most of us have let alcohol or drugs hold us down for so long. It can take a while to find yourself and to start feeling good again. I still have some days where I feel just lost and everything seems wrong, but I stick with it and press on. This last few days I have been yelled at for driving too fast by my apartment manager, keep tripping on things, feel tired, has a user on here say some harsh things to me, hit an old man with a door cuz I had my headphones on, found out my friends had a 4th of July bonfire and I wasn't invited, and am not the most confident right now. I know this is temporary and I will bounce back, because I am determined to do so. That whole first year or so of sobriety is all about figuring out who you are, what works for you, and what you want to do now that you are free of your addiction. Your confidence will ebb and flow through your trials and errors, but it will build slowly. We all have to learn to deal with life now without using, and it can be trying. I promise you though, you will begin to feel better the longer you stay sober and clear headed. Stick with it, you are doing great. The past will get further away with time, and then it wont be such a big deal.

bigsombrero

I think it helps when you stop allowing shame to dictate your existence. Regret, guilt, those emotions are okay. But don't be ashamed about yourself, your current or past situations, etc. You did some bad things, but you are not a bad person. In my experience, this has been a major breakthrough in self-confidence.

There is a really good video called "The Power of Vulnerability". Do yourself a favor and watch 20 minutes of it. Good luck.

The Power of Vulnerability - YouTube

Soberpotamus

She's great! I watched this video a few weeks ago. I've also got one of her books and haven't started on it yet. I've gotten way too many books lately and don't know which one to pick up next!

Notmyrealname

I have a mistake that I made as a restaurant manager on a delivery order in .. 1996? And that one still salts my nut roll to this day.

But most of them simply fade over time. You keep trying hard to be virtuous and hardworking in everything you do, and new accomplishments pile up and squeeze out memories of yesterday's mistakes, like grass growing up to throttle the weeds.

Sally3127

Wow. Just watched the video The Power of Vulnerability. Thank you so much for sharing that Sombrero. It was extremely enlightening and informative. I plan to watch it again.

bigsombrero

Right??? I don't normally buy into this "watch-a-video-and-change-your-life" type stuff, but this was seriously intelligent stuff and it totally made sense. I think the link to the addiction community was spot on as well.

We constantly worry about how we fit in, how we can "get back to normal", etc - and when you realize you are just building up your armor and defenses so that you can gain acceptance...and that NOBODY is really immune to these feelings, it really helps you gain perspective and approach things differently.

Glad you and SJ both watched the vid and can relate, I think it's worth watching again and sharing with anyone in the community as well as friends and family!