Venting- Im starting to Hate HIM!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 112
Venting- Im starting to Hate HIM!
So I am at that point where I just don't give a damn anymore, I will say what I want to say to him not giving a damn about how it affects him, how it makes him feel. I have never been a vengeful person but look at me now. Yesterday I got home and found he never went to work, why because he was tired and decided to stay at home. I phoned him lots of times, when he eventually answered he said he overslept and I must send him some airtime so that he could phone his boss. This is a permanent job with a good salary and good career prospects. So please don't judge me for trying to help him keep his job. Anyway I phoned after that he said he received the airtime. Then I got home last night, the car was still sitting in the drive way and I knew he did not go to work. I got so angry, the angriest I have been in years maybe even my entire life.
I kept thinking how could he be so irresponsible? how could he just not go to work whilst I have to go to work, I barely sleep at night because I have a teething 15month old baby. He sleeps right through the night and he is TIRED? Seriously and that's enough reason to stay home and not go to work?
I went inside and I started yelling at him, and I told him if he thinks that he is going to sit on his behind watching me go to work each day he is making a huge mistake. I told him if he loses this job he loses his family because I refuse to work for an healthy man. We sold our car and I paid off all our debt and I think that might have triggered his stupidity. He thought ok so now we don't' have allot of debt so I don't need to work anymore.
I had to pray and really try hard to control myself because I wanted to literally kill him! I am sorry to say this but I hate him, I admit that I hate him. I told him if he loses his job he will have to find new employment in a weeks time or else he is out.
I have read on the forums when the pain of being with them becomes more that the pain of being without them, you'll be able to leave. I feel I am headed in that direction. I don't deserve this, I deserve to be with a normal guy, who can love me more that he loves himself. Who will be there for me instead of me having to be there for him all the time. I am beyond exhausted I cant take it anymore!
So he said he would go and speak to his boss today, and I phoned him and he texted me that he is in a meeting at the office. So I messaged him back, call me when your done because I think its important for me to know the outcome. He never called and when I call him, he hangs up on me. With other words, he never went to go see his boss. Another friggen lie!!! I hate his lying I hate him.
Everyone where we live knows about him, at church everyone knows. I have no friends because as soon as his addiction came to light everyone stopped inviting us over. My friends stopped coming over and now we barely ever have contact with each other. I am not blaming him but he must accept his part in all of this. I am tired of being the topic of the local gossips. I have even stopped going to church I just can't handle the stares me and my children get and the stories that's floating around. I feel so ashamed of my life, I never knew things would turn out like this. I feel ashamed of my husband I feel like somehow I failed myself, my family and most important my children.
I don't know what the future holds, but I do know I am not going to tolerate his sh;t anymore.
Just needed to vent.
I kept thinking how could he be so irresponsible? how could he just not go to work whilst I have to go to work, I barely sleep at night because I have a teething 15month old baby. He sleeps right through the night and he is TIRED? Seriously and that's enough reason to stay home and not go to work?
I went inside and I started yelling at him, and I told him if he thinks that he is going to sit on his behind watching me go to work each day he is making a huge mistake. I told him if he loses this job he loses his family because I refuse to work for an healthy man. We sold our car and I paid off all our debt and I think that might have triggered his stupidity. He thought ok so now we don't' have allot of debt so I don't need to work anymore.
I had to pray and really try hard to control myself because I wanted to literally kill him! I am sorry to say this but I hate him, I admit that I hate him. I told him if he loses his job he will have to find new employment in a weeks time or else he is out.
I have read on the forums when the pain of being with them becomes more that the pain of being without them, you'll be able to leave. I feel I am headed in that direction. I don't deserve this, I deserve to be with a normal guy, who can love me more that he loves himself. Who will be there for me instead of me having to be there for him all the time. I am beyond exhausted I cant take it anymore!
So he said he would go and speak to his boss today, and I phoned him and he texted me that he is in a meeting at the office. So I messaged him back, call me when your done because I think its important for me to know the outcome. He never called and when I call him, he hangs up on me. With other words, he never went to go see his boss. Another friggen lie!!! I hate his lying I hate him.
Everyone where we live knows about him, at church everyone knows. I have no friends because as soon as his addiction came to light everyone stopped inviting us over. My friends stopped coming over and now we barely ever have contact with each other. I am not blaming him but he must accept his part in all of this. I am tired of being the topic of the local gossips. I have even stopped going to church I just can't handle the stares me and my children get and the stories that's floating around. I feel so ashamed of my life, I never knew things would turn out like this. I feel ashamed of my husband I feel like somehow I failed myself, my family and most important my children.
I don't know what the future holds, but I do know I am not going to tolerate his sh;t anymore.
Just needed to vent.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I am so sorry for the situation you are in. I can understand how it would make your blood boil to work so hard and see him throw away so much of his life.
Everyone where we live knows about him, at church everyone knows. I have no friends because as soon as his addiction came to light everyone stopped inviting us over. My friends stopped coming over and now we barely ever have contact with each other. I am not blaming him but he must accept his part in all of this. I am tired of being the topic of the local gossips. I have even stopped going to church I just can't handle the stares me and my children get and the stories that's floating around. I feel so ashamed of my life, I never knew things would turn out like this. I feel ashamed of my husband I feel like somehow I failed myself, my family and most important my children.
There is something important in here that may help you a lot. YOU didn't do these things, HE did. In what you write, you are thinking that people see the two of you as one unit - - in other words, if he did it, so did you. If he deserves to be blamed and gossiped about, so you do you.
I don't think that is true. His behavior may be so off-putting that no one wants to be around him. But I would imagine, when you see yourself as separate from him and start living your own life, regardless of what he does, people will see you and respond to you alone.
People here say:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
I'd add another one: You don't have to own it
Maybe reach out to your minister and tell him honestly what it has been like for you and your kids, and get his/her support.
If you haven't been to Alanon, I'd find several meetings and try them all and choose one where you feel at home. People here on SoberRecovery and people at Alanon know what you're going through, and for me, it was such a relief to talk with people who had been through this and survived!
We're all here for you, come often.
ShootingStar1
Everyone where we live knows about him, at church everyone knows. I have no friends because as soon as his addiction came to light everyone stopped inviting us over. My friends stopped coming over and now we barely ever have contact with each other. I am not blaming him but he must accept his part in all of this. I am tired of being the topic of the local gossips. I have even stopped going to church I just can't handle the stares me and my children get and the stories that's floating around. I feel so ashamed of my life, I never knew things would turn out like this. I feel ashamed of my husband I feel like somehow I failed myself, my family and most important my children.
There is something important in here that may help you a lot. YOU didn't do these things, HE did. In what you write, you are thinking that people see the two of you as one unit - - in other words, if he did it, so did you. If he deserves to be blamed and gossiped about, so you do you.
I don't think that is true. His behavior may be so off-putting that no one wants to be around him. But I would imagine, when you see yourself as separate from him and start living your own life, regardless of what he does, people will see you and respond to you alone.
People here say:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
I'd add another one: You don't have to own it
Maybe reach out to your minister and tell him honestly what it has been like for you and your kids, and get his/her support.
If you haven't been to Alanon, I'd find several meetings and try them all and choose one where you feel at home. People here on SoberRecovery and people at Alanon know what you're going through, and for me, it was such a relief to talk with people who had been through this and survived!
We're all here for you, come often.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Vent away......
You sound like I felt very near the end of my marriage. I felt as though I was the mother of a full grown man......not his wife. I got so tired of working and coming home to him laying around, playing his guitar, doing nothing and the house was a mess. He refused to watch our son (although I'm glad about that now) because he "wasn't a babysitter". He'd spend my hard earned money on drugs and refused to even look for a job. He was a lazy son of a gun. I was a buzz kill.
It wasn't a marriage.....it was a war. A never ending power struggle.
And yes......eventually, the fear of leaving him became less than the pain of staying with him.
I was ashamed of him. I was ashamed of staying with him for five years. I was simply so full of shame that I spent the next several years wishing he would fall off the face of the earth.....he didn't. I thought that if he would simply disappear, my shame would be gone. It took me a long time to separate my shame from his behavior.
20/20 hindsight is pretty good. So.....what do I wish I had done differently 30 years ago? I wish I had found a program that helped me unravel me from him. I wish I had found a way to deal with my own emotional state better. I wish that I had taken better care of me. I wish that I had found Nar-Anon. But I didn't. And I'm ok with the path my life has taken.
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all of this. Your post hit a memory nerve with me so powerful. The frustration and anger was palpable. Anger isn't a bad thing. Sometimes it's the catalyst for change......either change in ourselves or change in our circumstances. You're not alone. I survived and so will you.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
You sound like I felt very near the end of my marriage. I felt as though I was the mother of a full grown man......not his wife. I got so tired of working and coming home to him laying around, playing his guitar, doing nothing and the house was a mess. He refused to watch our son (although I'm glad about that now) because he "wasn't a babysitter". He'd spend my hard earned money on drugs and refused to even look for a job. He was a lazy son of a gun. I was a buzz kill.
It wasn't a marriage.....it was a war. A never ending power struggle.
And yes......eventually, the fear of leaving him became less than the pain of staying with him.
I was ashamed of him. I was ashamed of staying with him for five years. I was simply so full of shame that I spent the next several years wishing he would fall off the face of the earth.....he didn't. I thought that if he would simply disappear, my shame would be gone. It took me a long time to separate my shame from his behavior.
20/20 hindsight is pretty good. So.....what do I wish I had done differently 30 years ago? I wish I had found a program that helped me unravel me from him. I wish I had found a way to deal with my own emotional state better. I wish that I had taken better care of me. I wish that I had found Nar-Anon. But I didn't. And I'm ok with the path my life has taken.
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all of this. Your post hit a memory nerve with me so powerful. The frustration and anger was palpable. Anger isn't a bad thing. Sometimes it's the catalyst for change......either change in ourselves or change in our circumstances. You're not alone. I survived and so will you.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
All too often....the spouse will withdraw from activities because they are embarrassed to show up and participate.
People say something like:
"oh..they are in a bad way....she doesn't even come to church anymore"
I say....SHOW UP anyway. Do it for yourself.
The words will change to:
"Wow....look how strong she is....she still squares her shoulders and shows up at church...without him...but she still shows up"
You do not have to live in the shame of his choices.
People say something like:
"oh..they are in a bad way....she doesn't even come to church anymore"
I say....SHOW UP anyway. Do it for yourself.
The words will change to:
"Wow....look how strong she is....she still squares her shoulders and shows up at church...without him...but she still shows up"
You do not have to live in the shame of his choices.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
P.S.
Hate is not the opposite of Love.
Both are emotions that take energy to feel and act on.
The opposite of Love is Indifference.
When I hear you say that you Hate him....what I hear is Fear. Unadulterated FEAR
A feeling I have known all too well....
Hate is not the opposite of Love.
Both are emotions that take energy to feel and act on.
The opposite of Love is Indifference.
When I hear you say that you Hate him....what I hear is Fear. Unadulterated FEAR
A feeling I have known all too well....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 34
I sympathize so much with you. This sounds like my life for the last 8 years. It took me that long to say enough is enough. Yes you deserve better. Yes he should be sharing in the work of supporting a family! Listen to your inner voice. You know what is true and right.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by Angelscry 
So I am at that point where I just don't give a damn anymore, I will say what I want to say to him not giving a damn about how it affects him, how it makes him feel. I have never been a vengeful person but look at me now. Yesterday I got home and found he never went to work, why because he was tired and decided to stay at home. I phoned him lots of times, when he eventually answered he said he overslept and I must send him some airtime so that he could phone his boss. This is a permanent job with a good salary and good career prospects. So please don't judge me for trying to help him keep his job. Anyway I phoned after that he said he received the airtime. Then I got home last night, the car was still sitting in the drive way and I knew he did not go to work. I got so angry, the angriest I have been in years maybe even my entire life.
I kept thinking how could he be so irresponsible? how could he just not go to work whilst I have to go to work, I barely sleep at night because I have a teething 15month old baby. He sleeps right through the night and he is TIRED? Seriously and that's enough reason to stay home and not go to work?
I went inside and I started yelling at him, and I told him if he thinks that he is going to sit on his behind watching me go to work each day he is making a huge mistake. I told him if he loses this job he loses his family because I refuse to work for an healthy man. We sold our car and I paid off all our debt and I think that might have triggered his stupidity. He thought ok so now we don't' have allot of debt so I don't need to work anymore.
I had to pray and really try hard to control myself because I wanted to literally kill him! I am sorry to say this but I hate him, I admit that I hate him. I told him if he loses his job he will have to find new employment in a weeks time or else he is out.
I have read on the forums when the pain of being with them becomes more that the pain of being without them, you'll be able to leave. I feel I am headed in that direction. I don't deserve this, I deserve to be with a normal guy, who can love me more that he loves himself. Who will be there for me instead of me having to be there for him all the time. I am beyond exhausted I cant take it anymore!
So he said he would go and speak to his boss today, and I phoned him and he texted me that he is in a meeting at the office. So I messaged him back, call me when your done because I think its important for me to know the outcome. He never called and when I call him, he hangs up on me. With other words, he never went to go see his boss. Another friggen lie!!! I hate his lying I hate him.
Everyone where we live knows about him, at church everyone knows. I have no friends because as soon as his addiction came to light everyone stopped inviting us over. My friends stopped coming over and now we barely ever have contact with each other. I am not blaming him but he must accept his part in all of this. I am tired of being the topic of the local gossips. I have even stopped going to church I just can't handle the stares me and my children get and the stories that's floating around. I feel so ashamed of my life, I never knew things would turn out like this. I feel ashamed of my husband I feel like somehow I failed myself, my family and most important my children.
I don't know what the future holds, but I do know I am not going to tolerate his sh;t anymore.
Just needed to vent.
I kept thinking how could he be so irresponsible? how could he just not go to work whilst I have to go to work, I barely sleep at night because I have a teething 15month old baby. He sleeps right through the night and he is TIRED? Seriously and that's enough reason to stay home and not go to work?
I went inside and I started yelling at him, and I told him if he thinks that he is going to sit on his behind watching me go to work each day he is making a huge mistake. I told him if he loses this job he loses his family because I refuse to work for an healthy man. We sold our car and I paid off all our debt and I think that might have triggered his stupidity. He thought ok so now we don't' have allot of debt so I don't need to work anymore.
I had to pray and really try hard to control myself because I wanted to literally kill him! I am sorry to say this but I hate him, I admit that I hate him. I told him if he loses his job he will have to find new employment in a weeks time or else he is out.
I have read on the forums when the pain of being with them becomes more that the pain of being without them, you'll be able to leave. I feel I am headed in that direction. I don't deserve this, I deserve to be with a normal guy, who can love me more that he loves himself. Who will be there for me instead of me having to be there for him all the time. I am beyond exhausted I cant take it anymore!
So he said he would go and speak to his boss today, and I phoned him and he texted me that he is in a meeting at the office. So I messaged him back, call me when your done because I think its important for me to know the outcome. He never called and when I call him, he hangs up on me. With other words, he never went to go see his boss. Another friggen lie!!! I hate his lying I hate him.
Everyone where we live knows about him, at church everyone knows. I have no friends because as soon as his addiction came to light everyone stopped inviting us over. My friends stopped coming over and now we barely ever have contact with each other. I am not blaming him but he must accept his part in all of this. I am tired of being the topic of the local gossips. I have even stopped going to church I just can't handle the stares me and my children get and the stories that's floating around. I feel so ashamed of my life, I never knew things would turn out like this. I feel ashamed of my husband I feel like somehow I failed myself, my family and most important my children.
I don't know what the future holds, but I do know I am not going to tolerate his sh;t anymore.
Just needed to vent.
Story but with 2 kids. It gets better, I promise.
I don't know when or if you'll leave but for me that's what it came to. I pulled a U-haul in front of the house and told my ex, go to AA, or I start loading. He chose the latter. It was a long and rough road. He's still an alcoholic and I still have to send my daughter there every other weekend. Thank goodness for his new wife
she took over what I did, cleaning up his messes.Focus only on you for now. Start saving money. Spend time with your child. Control your reaction to his issues. If you're angry, take the baby to the park. Distance yourself. You can make a silent statement.
Believe me I tried everything. I even tried to drink with him!! I nagged, raged, cried, silent treatment.
But what worked for me and drove me to my decision was going through the motions on my own. Parenting my kids, making dinner, going to work, etc. If he had a good day and joined, fine. If he didn't, fine.
You have to stop the enabling behaviors too. Like the airtime minutes. He's a grown up. Don't pick up alcohol for him. Don't clean up his messes. (My ex would pee on the floor in the bathroom - I'd just keep the door shut and use the other, disgusting!!!)
PM me if you like. I know how hard it is and how you cover for them until you can't. I also stopped going to church toward the end of my marriage, I was afraid people knew and would judge me.
You will be ok. I promise. Focus on you and your baby!
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 80
I've not been here long AT ALL.
Hang in there do what you feel you need to do. I say you are blessed in some ways that you are the bread winner because... you know that financially you can make it. At least that is what I think.
For whoever talks about ^^^^ the spouse withdraws because of embarrassment in social situations, or something to that affect I say Amen (me at least) I've dropped all friends. ALL. And I dread just dread functions/holidays.
My husband does not use every day or night, he works hard. But-- he is annoying.
You say hate-- oh my gosh. I thought it was just me.
Hang in there do what you feel you need to do. I say you are blessed in some ways that you are the bread winner because... you know that financially you can make it. At least that is what I think.
For whoever talks about ^^^^ the spouse withdraws because of embarrassment in social situations, or something to that affect I say Amen (me at least) I've dropped all friends. ALL. And I dread just dread functions/holidays.
My husband does not use every day or night, he works hard. But-- he is annoying.
You say hate-- oh my gosh. I thought it was just me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 112
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1
I am so sorry for the situation you are in. I can understand how it would make your blood boil to work so hard and see him throw away so much of his life.
Maybe reach out to your minister and tell him honestly what it has been like for you and your kids, and get his/her support.
ShootingStar1
Maybe reach out to your minister and tell him honestly what it has been like for you and your kids, and get his/her support.
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 112
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
Vent away......
It wasn't a marriage.....it was a war. A never ending power struggle.
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all of this. Your post hit a memory nerve with me so powerful. The frustration and anger was palpable. Anger isn't a bad thing. Sometimes it's the catalyst for change......either change in ourselves or change in our circumstances. You're not alone. I survived and so will you.
ke
It wasn't a marriage.....it was a war. A never ending power struggle.
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all of this. Your post hit a memory nerve with me so powerful. The frustration and anger was palpable. Anger isn't a bad thing. Sometimes it's the catalyst for change......either change in ourselves or change in our circumstances. You're not alone. I survived and so will you.
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 112
Originally Posted by YearForMe
All too often....the spouse will withdraw from activities because they are embarrassed to show up and participate.
People say something like:
"oh..they are in a bad way....she doesn't even come to church anymore"
I say....SHOW UP anyway. Do it for yourself.
The words will change to:
"Wow....look how strong she is....she still squares her shoulders and shows up at church...without him...but she still shows up"
You do not have to live in the shame of his choices.
People say something like:
"oh..they are in a bad way....she doesn't even come to church anymore"
I say....SHOW UP anyway. Do it for yourself.
The words will change to:
"Wow....look how strong she is....she still squares her shoulders and shows up at church...without him...but she still shows up"
You do not have to live in the shame of his choices.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 112
Originally Posted by Katt1825
Start saving money. Spend time with your child. Control your reaction to his issues. If you're angry, take the baby to the park. Distance yourself. You can make a silent statement.
Believe me I tried everything. I even tried to drink with him!! I nagged, raged, cried, silent treatment.
You have to stop the enabling behaviors too. Like the airtime minutes. He's a grown up. Don't pick up alcohol for him. Don't clean up his messes. (My ex would pee on the floor in the bathroom - I'd just keep the door shut and use the other, disgusting!!!)
PM me if you like. I know how hard it is and how you cover for them until you can't. I also stopped going to church toward the end of my marriage, I was afraid people knew and would judge me.
You will be ok. I promise. Focus on you and your baby!
Believe me I tried everything. I even tried to drink with him!! I nagged, raged, cried, silent treatment.
You have to stop the enabling behaviors too. Like the airtime minutes. He's a grown up. Don't pick up alcohol for him. Don't clean up his messes. (My ex would pee on the floor in the bathroom - I'd just keep the door shut and use the other, disgusting!!!)
PM me if you like. I know how hard it is and how you cover for them until you can't. I also stopped going to church toward the end of my marriage, I was afraid people knew and would judge me.
You will be ok. I promise. Focus on you and your baby!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Drugs...these days....are rampant.
Most churches have some kind of spiritual program for people trying to get off drugs.
If your church is not holding you up spiritually, or if they are gossiping and condemning....then.....HERE GOES>>>>YEAR FOR ME IS GONNA SAY IT>>>>>>
WRONG CHURCH
Find a new one.
Most churches have some kind of spiritual program for people trying to get off drugs.
If your church is not holding you up spiritually, or if they are gossiping and condemning....then.....HERE GOES>>>>YEAR FOR ME IS GONNA SAY IT>>>>>>
WRONG CHURCH
Find a new one.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Charleston, WV
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Angelscry
Another lesson learnt, people at church know, before the drugs he was on his way to becoming a minister can you believe that? we were so happy he was a real spiritual leader in the house and it all changed and that is why the whole church is all up in my business. I think its hard for everyone to believe that someone like him who had so much going could go and choose drugs.
Good to hear that he is going to the meetings, etc. But - if it appears to be a constant band-aid to fix what's going on and he stops going, but only going when you get onto him - might be time to start working up a financial plan for you and your young ones. Looking back, I can say that my second marriage ended because of an addiction to video games. He wanted play all the time, I did all of the housework, yard work - shopping - you name it. Figured I it would be better if I only had to do all of that for me. At least if I made the mess, I could fuss at myself for not cleaning it up.
Good luck!
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