sadielady

So this is a strange thing.

Not sure what compelled me to check, but just saw that my very very freshly ex alcoholic boyfriend ( I just went no contact about 10 days ago, we didn't actually officially break up, but I have realized that's what I meant) has gone back online on the online dating site where we met. (I am not online but had an empty dummy account, just used it o check and saw he's on and actively updating).

First off, I'm needing to be honest that checking wasn't the healthiest thing, and I spect why the heck I did that.

Second, my reaction is complicated. There is part of me that hurts. So easy for him to move forward and replace me, makes me question how much he loved me. BUT duh, I also know from reading here and getting real with myself that the love we had was largely fiction. Not that he couldn't or didn't love me, but it was all based on dishonesty and dysfunction, and while I know we both loved each other, he wasn't and isn't healthy enough to have a healthy relationship with me or anyone, and when I was enabling him or trying too hard to be his savior, neither was I!!

I also have this feeling of sadness. How lonely and empty I know he must feel, and how he's rushing out to fill that hole with a new woman. It feels sad to me that someone will be drawn to his charms -- and he has many -- and fall into a pattern I know I was only one of many women who had galled into with him.

I guess in sown weird way, in a half baked way I'm realizing as I type this, I feel
Some relief. This is a step towards me moving on. We are not getting back together. He is not serious about his recovery or being willing to be honest with himself and me -- the conditions and boundaries I had set for any contact.

The last few nights he sent me sweet emails that I didn't respond to. He has every right to date. It does break my heart that he just goes and does that though instead of giving a sh*t about his own health a d life and actually caring for himself and seeking recovery.

Trying to be honest as I feel a whole array of things.

AND disabling my dummy account so I do NOT check his again. ( that isn't really in the spirit of no contact anyway

Hammer

Alcoholics and Addicts are Users.

They USE people.

Just part of what they do.

Lost you? Time to pick up the next one to use.

Don't take it personal. He will not.

sadielady

I forgot to add that it's totally illogical for me to be upset when I was the one who ended it. It's so fresh though, it does sting.

acm76

Sadielady, I'm going through the exact same thing. I suspect (through the grapevine however...I have no real information), that my XABF has also moved on. It does hurt. But I take comfort in knowing that although he is not committed to recovery - and likely NEVER will be - I am. I take very small steps forward each and every day, and am not looking to repeat the mistakes that I made with him. Because I *AM* so committed to MY recovery, I know that I am in no way ready to welcome another person into my life...yet. But won't it be wonderful when both you and I, sadielady, can each commit ourselves to a healthy man once we've travelled this wonderful path to health? Surely this is why we've made our decisions! Let's celebrate that...and leave our exes to their own devices. They never really loved us anyway. They are incapable.

cr995

I know exactly how you feel - and you are not alone. Sometimes I think they don't even hurt that much because they were so absent during the 'relationship' because they were - well - drunk!
It's very hard to get over for us but at least we're going in the right direction.

I find it speaks volumes that they are ready to try so soon - obviously they liked being in a 'relationship', etc and can't wait to have another one - I on the other hand feel like I am happy enough to be alone till I die! Just the thought of never being vunerable to that ill treatment agian is such a relief and having the fear and anxiety starting to go feels so wonderful.

Hang in there ((hugs))

DreamsofSerenity

I can totally see why it upset you, but I agree with Hammer: addicts use people and now that he's realized you're gone, it's time for him to move on, the sooner the better in his alcoholic mind.

It's been six months since I broke up with my ex, and I'm on SR all the time spouting all my silly advice, but just last night I went looking where I shouldn't. I saw my ex's new art work and was very bothered by the fact that one of the pieces is called "Freed Man." I don't know what it means but I imagined all sorts of things, and it hurt like h*ll. Just seeing his dumb work hurt me. Serves me right. I feel like a complete idiot today.

So, yes, close your account and don't go looking where you know all you will find is pain. (I am talking to myself as much as to you).

Happy Independence from Alcoholic's Toxic Behavior Day to us!!!

sadielady

Oh you lovelies, you were just what I needed today. Your words and support, knowing I'm not alone with these feelings and experiences, help more than I can say.

Dreams, ugh, I can totally relate about the art and imagine how much pain that causes. Thank you for sharing, and for freedom from alcoholics day! And you're not spouting, you're incredibly wise and I learn lots from you, I always look forward to your posts!!

CR995 and ACM76, I really love what you're both saying both about how easy it is for them to move on, and mostly how important it is for us to be WAY healthier than that in actually prioritizing our own healthy behaviors, thinking and recovery. I LOVE the idea that all of us will have much fuller hearts and engage in much healthier relationships with men who can actually meet us emotionally the next time around!

I too am taking a big serious break from dating. While I know I'd like love again, I need to focus on love with and for myself right now. And my sweet daughter. And our friends. That is more than enough, we have tremendous abundance when I think about it.

Love to you all

LexieCat

Good for you for realizing this isn't healthy and for disabling the account.

I've done the same sort of thing, and it was crappy for my own well-being. Some people--including most alcoholics and addicts--have a terrible time being alone. I've come to love being alone. What he's doing is no reflection on you.

Argnotthisagain

Oh Dreams, me too.

THANK you so much for posting that. I feel really jerky when I see people doing pretty well after just a month or two, while I was writhing on the floor in pain all day every day for....a year. At least.

Ai yi. Don't tell anyone that. I'm embarrassed of myself.

But, seeing someone on here who HAS learned and grown in ways I really respect ---seeing that you do "it" too lets me know that maybe I don't have to beat myself up so much.

It hurt. Don't know if he's seeing anyone, but he was clearly over me. Seemed so, anyway. And I clearly am not.

I'm miles better than I was a year ago, but staying in contact kept me in my codie fantasy, even while I was writhing in pain.... Settling for crumbs, you know. I only went NC at Christmas. And then I did have a bit of a slip or three.

I am SUCH an addict. bleh.


But, I'm keeping at it, and it IS getting better. The grief and all. Takes quite a lot of work to keep monitoring the "sad thoughts" and changing them.


Well, I promised myself to get offline, cuz I need to go see friends, but I HAD to reply to you here.

NYCDoglvr

You're right, reading this stuff is just asking for pain. Are you going to Alanon? It's for codependents who can't let go of alcoholics no matter how badly they treat us. It changed my life because I learned to choose non-alcoholics for relationships. Just keep coming and posting, in terms of support this forum is unbeatable.

Argnotthisagain

Good comment, I like it! Learning to choose non-alcoholics for r-ships...what a concept!

sadielady

NYCDpgLovr, I'm on a trip getting back Sat, already lined up a Sunday AlAnon meeting, I'm really looking forward to it after everything I read here. I LOVE the idea of replacing my relationship-choosing skills with ones that help me choose healthier men and relationships!!

DreamsofSerenity

Argnotthisagain,

I am so glad you are feeling better about your break up. I really believe that NC is absolutely essential. (By NC I also mean no info about him from FB, or news from friends, or crap you dig up yourself.) I went looking where I shouldn't Wed. night and payed a big price yesterday. Total relapse mode. I was daydreaming about all our "beautiful moments" together and feeling very sorry for myself that I would never again find someone I connected with like I did with him. (Someone slap some sense into me, please).

The only reason I did not contact him was because I have learned despite myself that there is a strong connection between contacting him and pain: CONTACT = PAIN. I'm an effing genius.

I thought about him all night, and am still thinking longingly about him this morning. We really did have so much in common, more than I've ever had with anyone else. I know I will never find that again with someone else which makes me profoundly sad from time to time. However if he were buried in a cemetery, I wouldn't spend time wishing he weren't dead. I'm not that crazy. Wishing he were sober would be about as useful as that; he's essentially the walking dead.

The only progress I've made in six months is accepting the reality of who he is right now, and accepting that there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Along with that came the acceptance of the fact that I can't have him in my life in any way whatsoever... But I've still got so much healing to do, and I'm starting to realize that when it comes to my recovery, I'm in for a long haul.

I have writhed on the floor in pain many many times. They move on easily because they have their alcohol. We don't get to be anesthetized like that. Plus, they were our drug, so of course it hurts.

sadielady

Dreams,

The part you said about having so much in common and never finding that again strikes SUCH a chord with me, and is something that hits at my deepest ache too. My just now ex-ABF, until things went south, was someone I'd felt exactly that way about. I told all my friends he was my best first date ever, best 2nd date, best relationship, best everything. And until I realized the extend of his alcoholism (he was an expert hider, and I had my head in the sand), detoxed accidentally and convinced me it was on purpose, almost dying, went to rehab and convinced me he was all in when it was clear I was the only one all in.... I was sure I'd met the man I wanted to spend my life with. And I was sill all in until he came home and kept drinking it, hiding it from me, and got mean like we'd never experienced when I pushed him on it. Foolish me.

I don't mean to make this response about my experience. I just want to say I too feel
The wound of feeling my biggest love and deepest disappointment in the same man and relationship. I too fear I won't find love that good again, even if it was wrapped up in so much self-destruction and unhealthiness for both of us.

But Dreams, please don't think this is the best we get. It isnt. I really believe that. I really hope and DREaM and believe that as we get healthier ourselves, we can attract a mate who is also healthy and can share all that great stuff and MORE without all the anguish.

I dream that for you, Dreams.

You are so lovely here, you have been an inspiration to me. I believe you are not oy worthy of but can find a heart that meets yours in an even fuller way

I think the key for me is stopping seeking any men at ALL and working on my own stuff, and letting the rest take care of it, in the ha da of the universe and not something I have to stress so much. Cause I have all those same fears.

Please don't give up on love for yourself that's even better.

DreamsofSerenity

Thanks, Sadie. That's so kind of you. I didn't mean to hijack your thread but wanted to answer Argnotthisagain.

My relationship to men in general might be too screwed up to ever be salvaged. I have used relationships in the same way an alkie uses booze for my entire life. I used to think that when I was old, I'd be able to have a healthy partnership with some nice man because sex wouldn't really be a part of it. A friend of my mom's who is kind of a senior sl-t (in a cute way) just told me that men want sex forever! And with Viagra, there's nothing getting in their way. I was like "OMG, I am DOOMED!" haha

About losing the love of our lives, I still maintain that the love was not entirely real, and that the fantasy man was DEFINITELY not real. The connection seemed so incredible because it was not a sober connection. It's like a heroin addict who says the sensation of being on heroin is such an intensely incredible experience, that being straight will never ever compare. I really feel like loving an alcoholic is the same type of deal.

Sadie, if you keep working on yourself, you will definitely find a healthy and wonderful relationship. It may not feel as intense as the relationship with the alkie, but you won't have all the negative intensity either. It will be different, like laying on a sunny beach as opposed to bungee jumping.

Thanks for your sweet words.

whiskeyman

Let go

wicked

Hello lovely Dreams of Serenity,

I know I will find that special someone again, that one and only connection. How do I know that? Because I will be open to it.

I understand how you are hurting now, I have been there in the abyss of depression
and rejection. The pain is bad. I would just like to ask you to consider sending another
message out to the universe.

You really just said that you would never have that experience again because you had so
much in common, but now you know that the connection was not real.

If it has been six months (you say only, I say that is a short time to recover from not
just the breakup, but the breakup and the realization that it wasn't the great connection
you thought it was.

That was exquisitely painful for me. He was not even an addict, I just conjured up this
nice guy who cared about me. Even when he acted in ways that were contradictory
to my "nice normal guy" I assured myself it was OK.
It hurt that I was so damn blind and it was my near sightedness that kept it going,
and me dreaming of something that was never going to happen, because he was incapable of being that guy.
He was rude, selfish, and I think maybe had a personality disorder,
I sure know how to pick em.
I am okay, I still kinda shudder a little over my willful blindness to his problems, but, I wanted it bad,
Now I learned many things from that mistake.
I feel more informed and better able to make a decision next time someone
tells me who they are, I will have the blinders off and my eyes open.

I am worth it. All of it. I am willing to give my best, and my partner should
be able to give his best and not excuses.

Beth

did i misquote someone? I am sorry if I did.
My message is keep your hopes open to a real connection, you will get it.

sadielady

Beth, I love every word you just said. You are magnificent. Thank you.

wicked

You just made my day!
Thank you so very much.

Beth

ZenMe

I thought about this a lot yesterday actually. Went on a hike and met this girl, single, cute, my age, likes to hike, probably likes to ski, etc. Where I live this girl is extremely rare. When I mean rare I have met 3 of them in 9 years.

I met her at the turn off before the first falls and showed how to get to the first falls which was right around a hidden bend. I then offered that if she wanted to join me on my way to the second falls I would be glad to show her the way (it's tricky to find). I said it would be an additional hour and that I would wait at the turn off. When she got back from visiting the first falls she said thanks for the offer but that she was going to go back down. Np I said, have fun and I grabbed my pack and headed up. I was mad for so many reasons lol.

-girls like these are like unicorns, I should have asked her number, maybe I was just weird, I was also angry because of how long will it take me to meet someone like this? I finally meet one and I let it go, arg.

Anyhow here's the real deal. I have been at my current location 9 years. 5 with one ex 2 with another ex. So that leaves 2 years that I have actually been single. So factor in moving here, lots of work, not having many friends at the start etc. I would say 1 real year of meeting people.

My point is that a person that is really good for us may not be the first one we get hooked on. Now that we make better decisions and get better at "dating" we won't get detoured or lose time and energy with the wrong person. It may take 6 months, a year , 2 years, 50 dates , 100 dates, who knows. As long we are growing and making better decisions we are on the right track!

Most of us have had more than 1 SO, so logic states that we will meet someone else again. Just have to be patient and get better at the game.