Is is my fault this time
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 8
Is is my fault this time
My spouse wanted to go out yesterday -hadn't been drunk for almost a month--got very belligerent ( again) because he started drinking-then he wanted to go to another restaurant. I said no, but by this time he was out of it though he claimed to be fine. He got totally smashed and now is blaming me for dropping him off at the 2nd restaurant saying I shouldn't have listened to him and should have him straight home-i have been through this a lot and even though he really does not want to drink anymore, I did the same thing i have always done-let him do what he wants, he was yelling at me and cursing me in the car so I really wanted to let him have his way-horrible-
However this time, because he probably won't do this again, he is choosing to blame me!?? Saying I didn't love him and was not protecting him-
I will take responsibility-maybe I should never have gone out in the first place then none of this would have happened!
However this time, because he probably won't do this again, he is choosing to blame me!?? Saying I didn't love him and was not protecting him-
I will take responsibility-maybe I should never have gone out in the first place then none of this would have happened!
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
He now thinks it would of been a good idea to take him home? Does he not understand the part where he was "very belligerent?" It's never a smart move to argue with someone drunk. No way, no how. Downright dangerous.
Personal responsibility.
No way is there your fault and I'm surprised to hear you'd even try to own any of this.
Eh, that's the best I have. My bit of experience is I have gotten right in someones face that was doing same thing as your spouse and said "shut the hell up and own it. I'm not fighting a drunk pill popper."
Which is a bit funny in retrospect as I was no angel either.
Cheers
Personal responsibility.
No way is there your fault and I'm surprised to hear you'd even try to own any of this.
Eh, that's the best I have. My bit of experience is I have gotten right in someones face that was doing same thing as your spouse and said "shut the hell up and own it. I'm not fighting a drunk pill popper."
Which is a bit funny in retrospect as I was no angel either.
Cheers
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
Others will have more wisdom than me, but a couple things come to mind.
First of all, you are NEVER to blame for his drinking and his choice to drink, unless you pour it for him, and it sounds like sine manipulation to me that he would even suggest that, and I would urge you to see that and not stand for it.
Second, it feels right that its on him what he does, but I would probably also remove yourself from the situation at the earliest moment when he drinks. It sounds like maybe you did that at some early point. I can imagine that would draw his ire and anger, but that is not your fault
I worry what you say about he won't do it again. From my limited experience, unless he's very serious on recovery, and working really hard ( and even then!) there is a seriously high likelihood he'll do this over and over.
What can you do today for yourself, to move away from this self-blaming and get some clarity and self-care? Do you go to Al-Anon?
First of all, you are NEVER to blame for his drinking and his choice to drink, unless you pour it for him, and it sounds like sine manipulation to me that he would even suggest that, and I would urge you to see that and not stand for it.
Second, it feels right that its on him what he does, but I would probably also remove yourself from the situation at the earliest moment when he drinks. It sounds like maybe you did that at some early point. I can imagine that would draw his ire and anger, but that is not your fault
I worry what you say about he won't do it again. From my limited experience, unless he's very serious on recovery, and working really hard ( and even then!) there is a seriously high likelihood he'll do this over and over.
What can you do today for yourself, to move away from this self-blaming and get some clarity and self-care? Do you go to Al-Anon?
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Originally Posted by ibm 
I will take responsibility-maybe I should never have gone out in the first place then none of this would have happened!
Seriously, He is an adult and knowing he is an alcoholic he CHOSE to drink.
You did not cause his alcoholism, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. This is completely on him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 8
THANK YOU. Calotta-SADIELADY AND LETHE. I am going to cut and paste all of your responses and let him read them.
Needless to say I have come a long way -this really was a first- for me to be blamed this time, really?? LOL
can't thank you all enough! Interesting how my reaction was though. Out to plant two new trees--happy 4th and much, much live and heartfelt thanks-
Needless to say I have come a long way -this really was a first- for me to be blamed this time, really?? LOL
can't thank you all enough! Interesting how my reaction was though. Out to plant two new trees--happy 4th and much, much live and heartfelt thanks-
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
This is what we call "quacking". Nothing you need to take seriously or even listen to.
I'm assuming HE says he "probably won't do this again." We all know he probably will.
He may be very sincere that he doesn't want to drink, but this is what alcoholics DO, at least until they have recovered sufficiently that they don't.
What are your own boundaries? You could decide that if he drinks, you are leaving and he will have to take a cab home. You aren't to blame for his drinking, but you are responsible for your own choices.
I'm assuming HE says he "probably won't do this again." We all know he probably will.
He may be very sincere that he doesn't want to drink, but this is what alcoholics DO, at least until they have recovered sufficiently that they don't.
What are your own boundaries? You could decide that if he drinks, you are leaving and he will have to take a cab home. You aren't to blame for his drinking, but you are responsible for your own choices.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 8
Quacking---!!
Love it love it love it-yeah! That's exactly what it was. I know it's BS but this was a new trick and it really took me by surprise. And though I didn't think I took it seriously I did question. And I consider myself pretty strong and street smart. Haha- thx again for your encouragement-
Love it love it love it-yeah! That's exactly what it was. I know it's BS but this was a new trick and it really took me by surprise. And though I didn't think I took it seriously I did question. And I consider myself pretty strong and street smart. Haha- thx again for your encouragement-
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
You can not reason with us alcoholics once we get going. We will say and do anything to continue drinking once we get started. I think most of us actually know this. That stuff about blaming you after the fact sounds to me like classic manipulation. You have no responsibility at all for his drinking and don't believe otherwise.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
IBM, one little friendly suggestion. Reading all this to him as your first instinct is hopeful and wishes he could hear it, but he probably can't. And it sets yourself up for more heartache and disappointment I'd you think that wisdom you find here can be enough to get him to shape up. What I've learned here is that no amount of me wanting to teach or show him or want better for him means a damn. My ABF / ExABF heard plenty such things from me and it meant CRAP in the grand scheme, and only made me feel inadequate and unable to help. Which, gulp, is true. We can't do it for them. I'd really do whatever you can to focus on you.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 179
I second Sadie - you just can't reason with an active drinker. It is so so hard to accept that, but that is part of the "can't control it." You also didn't cause it and looks like you are remembering that "c" now. Happy 4th!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by sadielady
Others will have more wisdom than me, but a couple things come to mind.
First of all, you are NEVER to blame for his drinking and his choice to drink, unless you pour it for him, and it sounds like sine manipulation to me that he would even suggest that, and I would urge you to see that and not stand for it.
Second, it feels right that its on him what he does, but I would probably also remove yourself from the situation at the earliest moment when he drinks. It sounds like maybe you did that at some early point. I can imagine that would draw his ire and anger, but that is not your fault
I worry what you say about he won't do it again. From my limited experience, unless he's very serious on recovery, and working really hard ( and even then!) there is a seriously high likelihood he'll do this over and over.
What can you do today for yourself, to move away from this self-blaming and get some clarity and self-care? Do you go to Al-Anon?
First of all, you are NEVER to blame for his drinking and his choice to drink, unless you pour it for him, and it sounds like sine manipulation to me that he would even suggest that, and I would urge you to see that and not stand for it.
Second, it feels right that its on him what he does, but I would probably also remove yourself from the situation at the earliest moment when he drinks. It sounds like maybe you did that at some early point. I can imagine that would draw his ire and anger, but that is not your fault
I worry what you say about he won't do it again. From my limited experience, unless he's very serious on recovery, and working really hard ( and even then!) there is a seriously high likelihood he'll do this over and over.
What can you do today for yourself, to move away from this self-blaming and get some clarity and self-care? Do you go to Al-Anon?
In fact, now that I replied, I can find your post easily when I'm feeling low on wisdom.
I let mine alone a lot, when he was drinking. He would hide out and drink, so I kept myself busy. Thought that's what he wanted.
You just can't please them. It's crazy that he was screaming at you for his crap, but it's typical.
Judging from my experience now, I think you'll see this more clearly with a little time and detachment. When you're right in the drama and upset and self-doubt and chaos, you just can NOT think straight!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by ibm
I cut and paste everythjng then I realized -what the heck am I doing- and decided not to. Duh -DUHHHHHHHH. 👍👍👍❤❤❤❤
Appreciate the wisdom and experience here!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Appreciate the wisdom and experience here!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Happy Independence Day!
Once you get that it is never your responsibility when a grown man decides
to get drunk or behave badly, you are on your way!
Here is a little quacker for you.
Beth
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