4th of July
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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4th of July
Hi
The 4th of July marks my anniversary with my partner- 21 years. Here's what I'm doing to "celebrate" this years 4th of July.
My alcoholic partner who I havent seen in a couple of weeks will be returning home from a work trip, and he has invited some of his drinking friends to stay for the long weekend ("they invited themselves"). My partner has recently taken his problem to a new level (or to a level which I had not seen before) --continued heavy drinking, the same old promises about not drinking, but bigger blatant lies about what he's doing about it.
Anyway, here's what I'm doing for the long holiday weekend: I've rented a car (which I can't really afford at this time) to take a trip (to who knows where), and to stay in hotels (the cheaper the better, but so depressing). Just so I can avoid seeing him drunk, and all of the anger and ugliness that goes with it. I'll be gone for anywhere from 4 to 14 days (that's when the car must be returned), and I'll have incurred significant debt. Just to be away from a drunk, scary, sad lying alcoholic.
I've been there for him for many many years, and I've stuck around because of his weekly promises to quit drinking. He makes the promises, I don't demand them. He makes the promises, and then breaks them, week after week after week. He writes these promises in greeting cards, cards which I still receive, but no longer open -- it's too sad to read them.
I guess I'll probably leave him soon, but I don't believe that there's much out there for me after this. Perhaps that's what has kept me in an awful relationship for so many years.
Anyway, happy fourth to everyone. Except for me I guess.
Marc
The 4th of July marks my anniversary with my partner- 21 years. Here's what I'm doing to "celebrate" this years 4th of July.
My alcoholic partner who I havent seen in a couple of weeks will be returning home from a work trip, and he has invited some of his drinking friends to stay for the long weekend ("they invited themselves"). My partner has recently taken his problem to a new level (or to a level which I had not seen before) --continued heavy drinking, the same old promises about not drinking, but bigger blatant lies about what he's doing about it.
Anyway, here's what I'm doing for the long holiday weekend: I've rented a car (which I can't really afford at this time) to take a trip (to who knows where), and to stay in hotels (the cheaper the better, but so depressing). Just so I can avoid seeing him drunk, and all of the anger and ugliness that goes with it. I'll be gone for anywhere from 4 to 14 days (that's when the car must be returned), and I'll have incurred significant debt. Just to be away from a drunk, scary, sad lying alcoholic.
I've been there for him for many many years, and I've stuck around because of his weekly promises to quit drinking. He makes the promises, I don't demand them. He makes the promises, and then breaks them, week after week after week. He writes these promises in greeting cards, cards which I still receive, but no longer open -- it's too sad to read them.
I guess I'll probably leave him soon, but I don't believe that there's much out there for me after this. Perhaps that's what has kept me in an awful relationship for so many years.
Anyway, happy fourth to everyone. Except for me I guess.
Marc
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by marc2010 
I guess I'll probably leave him soon, but I don't believe that there's much out there for me after this. Perhaps that's what has kept me in an awful relationship for so many years.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-choosing.html
Yes, happy Independence Day to all, INCLUDING you!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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thanks honeypig for the reply and for that thread. maybe there's hope after all, but it doesnt seem so at the moment. i may feel differently when i'm away for a few days, but i could just be in for more fear and guilt for leaving. Thanks again!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
Try to think of it as a way to take time for yourself, to get yourself better instead of getting away him. Finding some alanon meetings might be a good activity, yes? Spend this time on you and you won't be running away from the problem but confronting it! A different way of looking at it anyway. I used to think there was nothing out there for me and that's why I stayed with my XAW so long. But I found someone who can make me truly happy, myself. That person was lost in the alcoholic for many years, it was nice to see I was still in there somewhere. I found out alone isn't necessarily lonely. Happy fourth of July, you deserve one!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
This seems like a healthy step to me. I wouldn't want to spend a weekend with a bunch of drunks either.
Even cheap hotels have bathtubs were you can soak and relax.
Maybe bring a journal along to work through some of your emotions? So many of my "break throughs" happened when I was alone in a hotel room.
Hope this turns into a healing trip for you.
Fondly,
db
Even cheap hotels have bathtubs were you can soak and relax.
Maybe bring a journal along to work through some of your emotions? So many of my "break throughs" happened when I was alone in a hotel room.
Hope this turns into a healing trip for you.
Fondly,
db
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Hi Marc...well, no lies: it does sound daunting. But at least you're getting to the point where you are ready to change something. Probably doesn't feel like you're doing something good for yourself, but you are. Glad that you're here!
I agree with OhBoy as well. See if you can find some AlAnon meetings. You have friends you haven't even met yet, that you're on an adventure to meet!
Last, thanks to honeypig for sharing that link. I'm going to check it too, because that fear that "there's nothing for me now" is really really rough. And I can see how it keeps you stuck, either hanging around for more abuse or doing what you need to for yourself but feeling awful anyway. Really need to fight that kind of thinking.
I agree with OhBoy as well. See if you can find some AlAnon meetings. You have friends you haven't even met yet, that you're on an adventure to meet!
Last, thanks to honeypig for sharing that link. I'm going to check it too, because that fear that "there's nothing for me now" is really really rough. And I can see how it keeps you stuck, either hanging around for more abuse or doing what you need to for yourself but feeling awful anyway. Really need to fight that kind of thinking.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
We say we stay until the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving. You're in the thick of it, it hurts, it's exhausting. You sound like you're in mourning.
While you're making these plans for yourself, try to find a way to shift your feelings about this. You're taking time for yourself with a much deserved vacation, and you have the chops to enjoy yourself no matter where you end up. You're just running on E and need to refill the tank.
Xx
While you're making these plans for yourself, try to find a way to shift your feelings about this. You're taking time for yourself with a much deserved vacation, and you have the chops to enjoy yourself no matter where you end up. You're just running on E and need to refill the tank.
Xx
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
Marc, it sounds like your heart is aching. I hope you are able to make the shifts people talk about, I know it's painful but if you can make some of this getaway pro-Marc and do some self- care, some things that make you feel good even for a bit, it will be a good step. Just taking this time away shows you really are working hard for your own healthier life, and that is very brave.
One little bit for yourself at a time!!
One little bit for yourself at a time!!
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