Dublin

No-one ever said it would be this hard. That song going through my head today.

I want to be happy. I used to be happy. I like being happy. I used to be good at being happy. I am bored of being angry or sad or understanding or working on myself or checking in with myself about control issues dependency issues codependency issues - issues.

I know it is up to me to create the situation where i can be happy and no-one else can do it for me but I'm tired, I'm confused, I'm worn out.

RA is in early recovery in AA, goes to meetings, has a sponsor, reads some literature. I go to Alanon, I read some literature, i keep a journal around my recovery and I read here a lot (there's a whole lot of good advice on this site that keeps me sane). It seems to me that RA thinks he is further along than he is. I still get a lot of blame, there is still a lot of anger and he seems arrogant about his recovery. Things are improving, slowly. I think I am just impatient. I want to be happy.

Another stupid argument this evening and another night of silence and he is now fast asleep and I am awake with my head racing. I am so bored of it. Sorry for the whiny rant. I know others have very difficult situations to deal with and in many ways I have it good but I have been worn down by the bad days and I am very afraid that this may be as good as it gets and if it is - it isn't good enough. Life should be about more than this crap!

Thanks for listening.

LexieCat

Vent away. You recognize your own impatience, and that's big progress. You aren't saying you won't ever get to "happy," you are just tired and wish you were THERE already.

It will get there--YOU will get there. Keep the faith. Good things will come to you. What is happening now--the way you are feeling now--is a necessary part of the process.

It's funny, I didn't notice how much better things were getting as it was happening, but one day it just seemed like I hadn't felt crappy and angry and sad in a while. You'll get there, trust me.

Dublin

Thanks Lexiecat, the vent helped! after I wrote this I slept and this morning I woke up determined to have a happy day and I tried something new to me - I let go - I've really struggled with the idea of a higher power and today I just decided to let go and see what happened and I had a great day! Work was hard and busy and lots of people looking for things from me but I stayed happy. RA texted me and I responded honestly how I felt but without my usual sarcasm ( I know, lowest form of wit but my 'go to' position). RA came back with a real effort to make up - this is new - and I was happy. I had a long hard day but I was happy. I know it won't last forever and I know I've still a ways to go and RA has a way to go but If I get happy days here and there I'll take that.

Thanks to all on SR for being here and sharing. Just having a place to vent helped so much last night. I got a night's sleep from just a whiny post. A good night's sleep though is a true gift. So thanks all for being here. Lexie cat re your thread I'm sending you my best declutter reorganise wishes and vibes! I gather clutter and RA is OCD we're a match made in bad sitcom heaven!

NYCDoglvr

Definitely vent! Especially in early recovery we need to get those feelings out. My sponsor suggested that I get a pad an a pen and just start writing and that helped a lot. Your husband is withdrawing from alcohol and you're withdrawing from your obsession about him being an alcoholic. It takes time to feel comfortable in your skin when big changes happen. Remember, we practice our program one day at a time. You only have to go through this TODAY. What I discovered is fast walking helps in dealing with obsession and depression. And go to as many Alanon meetings as possible.

Wishful133

I understand what you are going thru. RAH has been sober since Apr 30 and it can be hard. Hugs.

Dublin

Thanks NYC and wishful. I feel guilty sometimes for giving out about things. All the times I said 'if only he'd stop drinking I could handle anything' then he stopped drinking but lots of the issues were still there. It is better, much better but I'm impatient with the speed of recovery, both mine and his. It is brilliant to have this place to come and vent where I know people 'get it'.

It's a Rare sunny day in Dublin today with the forecast for sunshine for the weekend, I'm gonna make the best of it. Thanks for the support.

rry1177

Hi Dublin,

I'm still new to SR and am in a relationship with an active alcoholic. I totally understand the mind racing (I thought I was losing my marbles a month ago) and the impatience. However, I think it's great that you both are in recovery. The posters are right about taking it one day at a time. It's much easier to focus on having one good day instead of a good week, month... Keep up the good work.

whatisnext

I can relate to the feelings and emotions you're having. I went for months without a good nights sleep. I was in this constant state of anxiety. It was so exhausting. I let it affect my job, friendships, family. I was such a mess and didn't think it would ever pass. I so badly wanted to be happy too. There was a point that I couldn't even take it day by day. I had to take it minute by minute.
Like Lexie said, one day I just realized that I hadn't been sad or anxious in awhile. I didn't even realize that I was feeling better until I realized that I was feeling better!
It does feel good to vent and to know that others understand. I think you should go get your self a manicure with a really bright color to match the nice weather! Sometimes the little things like that will make you feel good...even if it's just for a few minutes. At least its a few minutes that you are not angry or sad. I wish you so much happiness

Dublin

Thanks Rry and what's next. I went to a local community garden in the sunshine today and being around nature and growth and of course sunshine really helped my mood. Thanks for all the support and I wish the same support for you whenever you need it. I have to deal with my impatience and work with the progress and not expect perfection xd