so worried - alcoholic gf moving out of parents' to her own apt
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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so worried - alcoholic gf moving out of parents' to her own apt
I have to admit I am terrified today. I started going to Alanon last week and am trying to apply the 3 C's I've learned here. But I can't help but sense a bad moon rising... I'm telling myself I can't control what happens, but what do I do when/if it does happen seems to be the conundrum.
My gf is an active alcoholic, and admits it when she's drinking. I have only recently come to terms with it (hence Alanon and this forum). She is also a nurse in a drug treatment/detox facility. She's never violent or abusive - she just drinks throughout the night and occasionally becomes incoherent or tearful. (I read someone call this 'quacking'). For the past 5 years, she has lived with her parents to save money. I'm starting to think her move home was not to save money, but because of a DUI that landed her in jail, also about 5 yrs ago.
Today, she is moving into her own apartment. During the beginning of our relationship, I'd spend time with her at her parents' house. Only recently did I learn that she had been hiding drinks from me there.
I am so worried what this new freedom will do for her. I am so worried what it will do to us. I know I should let go of that but this feels like a turning point.
As I write this, she has been up nearly 24 hrs after working an extra long shift and ignoring my advice to take a nap. If history and her current texts are any indication, she will be (or is) drinking until I arrive several hours from now.
I guess I'm torn between detaching with love vs. enabling. If she's drunk when I get there to help her move, am I enabling by staying? I told myself I'll just drive home if this happens. But she has seemed so nervous about moving, and moving is a stressful thing for most of us, and I really want to be there to support her. If I leave, am I detaching or am I just being a petulant child. It's hard to know. Thanks for listening.
My gf is an active alcoholic, and admits it when she's drinking. I have only recently come to terms with it (hence Alanon and this forum). She is also a nurse in a drug treatment/detox facility. She's never violent or abusive - she just drinks throughout the night and occasionally becomes incoherent or tearful. (I read someone call this 'quacking'). For the past 5 years, she has lived with her parents to save money. I'm starting to think her move home was not to save money, but because of a DUI that landed her in jail, also about 5 yrs ago.
Today, she is moving into her own apartment. During the beginning of our relationship, I'd spend time with her at her parents' house. Only recently did I learn that she had been hiding drinks from me there.
I am so worried what this new freedom will do for her. I am so worried what it will do to us. I know I should let go of that but this feels like a turning point.
As I write this, she has been up nearly 24 hrs after working an extra long shift and ignoring my advice to take a nap. If history and her current texts are any indication, she will be (or is) drinking until I arrive several hours from now.
I guess I'm torn between detaching with love vs. enabling. If she's drunk when I get there to help her move, am I enabling by staying? I told myself I'll just drive home if this happens. But she has seemed so nervous about moving, and moving is a stressful thing for most of us, and I really want to be there to support her. If I leave, am I detaching or am I just being a petulant child. It's hard to know. Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by blake1989 
I guess I'm torn between detaching with love vs. enabling. If she's drunk when I get there to help her move, am I enabling by staying? I told myself I'll just drive home if this happens. But she has seemed so nervous about moving, and moving is a stressful thing for most of us, and I really want to be there to support her. If I leave, am I detaching or am I just being a petulant child. It's hard to know. Thanks for listening.
Once you have figured that part out in your head then you can move on to step #2, determining what course of action you will take if/when your boundary is crossed.
Remember boundaries are not punishment against the A's in our lives, they are for us to create a safe environment for ourselves, physically AND emotionally.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: ON
Posts: 766
wow,
If history and her current texts are any indication, she will be (or is) drinking until I arrive several hours from now.
What if you didnt arrive and went to a different meeting.
i am sorry to say but her parents enabled her and you will be too if youre not careful.
dont fall into the trap of the alcoholic.
If history and her current texts are any indication, she will be (or is) drinking until I arrive several hours from now.
What if you didnt arrive and went to a different meeting.
i am sorry to say but her parents enabled her and you will be too if youre not careful.
dont fall into the trap of the alcoholic.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Personally, you don't have to make an immediate decision, but you will eventually have to decide whether you are willing to be in a relationship with an alcoholic, especially one who is still using.
No harm done if you don't make a decision in 24 hours. But you know what you know now, and you can't un-know it. Proceed with these red flags firmly in your line of vision.
No harm done if you don't make a decision in 24 hours. But you know what you know now, and you can't un-know it. Proceed with these red flags firmly in your line of vision.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Blake
You can't be in a happy healthy relationship with an active alcoholic. It just doesn't work.
My XAGF was a total "quacker" and after a few episodes of this I learned that just ignoring her and taking off was more effective. That didn't solve the alcoholic problem or the fact that I found myself in a bad relationship that at times felt so fricken good! She got violent once and started drinking MORE because we were starting to talk about her problem. Like a child rebelling against her dad. Do you want a strong GF you can trust or a problem child?
As you start to have more aha moments I believe you will come to understand you are getting the short end of the stick here. I don't know if this has happened to you yet but in my case my vacations, instead of being a fun 4 days, had to be 2 days because she "had work". As it turns out she was looking forward to "working" which was 2 oh so glorious days of drinking it up without her bf around. Oh and we couldn't get up early on day 1 of my 2 day vacation because it was "too early". So day 1 started out at 4pm....
I could give you TONS of examples. How she couldn't make it on time to meet up with friends for a trip (was 5 hours late, I WAITED for her, I should have said "well we've waited 30 mins, cya). I could go on and on. I truly hope you don't rack up as many examples as I have.
You sound like you genuinely care, are doing lots of research and moving in the right direction. She needs to stand on her own, not jump from enabling parents to enabling BF.
I also agree that you have to define your boundaries and stick to them no matter what.
You can't be in a happy healthy relationship with an active alcoholic. It just doesn't work.
She's never violent or abusive - she just drinks throughout the night and occasionally becomes incoherent or tearful. (I read someone call this 'quacking'). For the past 5 years, she has lived with her parents to save money.
As you start to have more aha moments I believe you will come to understand you are getting the short end of the stick here. I don't know if this has happened to you yet but in my case my vacations, instead of being a fun 4 days, had to be 2 days because she "had work". As it turns out she was looking forward to "working" which was 2 oh so glorious days of drinking it up without her bf around. Oh and we couldn't get up early on day 1 of my 2 day vacation because it was "too early". So day 1 started out at 4pm....
I could give you TONS of examples. How she couldn't make it on time to meet up with friends for a trip (was 5 hours late, I WAITED for her, I should have said "well we've waited 30 mins, cya). I could go on and on. I truly hope you don't rack up as many examples as I have.
You sound like you genuinely care, are doing lots of research and moving in the right direction. She needs to stand on her own, not jump from enabling parents to enabling BF.
I also agree that you have to define your boundaries and stick to them no matter what.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
oh come on....moving isn't THAT stressful...you put your crap in a box, put the box in a truck, drive the truck, unloaded the box, unload the stuff in the box. how old is she anyways? cuz you speak of her as if she is a small child. and maybe that's how she trained you to treat her...still living at home, but has a professional career in of all things the substance abuse field.
i think you are afraid to make any boundaries around her drinking, because she's always drinking and if you were to honor your boundaries you wouldn't be around her much. as it is, when you are against her drinking and yet spend time with her in that state anyways, you first violate your own sense of ethics and your presence implies consent.
this is where the rubber meets the road, blake. you either accept her for who she is NOW and all that that entails....OR you do not and then YOU act accordingly, no longer trying to make her conform. she's gonna do what she's gonna do. i'm fairly sure she knows where to get help, giving what she does for a living. this is no longer a relationship but a battle for control......over her person and her life as she chooses to live it.
i think you are afraid to make any boundaries around her drinking, because she's always drinking and if you were to honor your boundaries you wouldn't be around her much. as it is, when you are against her drinking and yet spend time with her in that state anyways, you first violate your own sense of ethics and your presence implies consent.
this is where the rubber meets the road, blake. you either accept her for who she is NOW and all that that entails....OR you do not and then YOU act accordingly, no longer trying to make her conform. she's gonna do what she's gonna do. i'm fairly sure she knows where to get help, giving what she does for a living. this is no longer a relationship but a battle for control......over her person and her life as she chooses to live it.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
but what do I do when/if it does happen seems to be the conundrum.
You have to figure out what is acceptable to you and what is not and when it is not, what are you prepared to do for yourself. It sounds like you are afraid to stand up for what you want and feel in fear of losing her.
Enabling: you making excuses for her drunkenness on being nervous and stressful about moving.
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I find it alarming that she is working as a nurse at a detox unit. She could easily make a mistake coming in under the influence or on a bad hangover and hurt a patient. She is an accident at work waiting to happen.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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blake, what has helped me is to remember what FireSprite posted above--which is the crux of making boundrys for yourself----boundrys are not a punishment AGAINST the Alcoholic, but, rather, for US to create a safe environment for ourselves (physically and emotionally).
However you decide to handle it, I suggest doing it with that principle in mind.
dandylion
However you decide to handle it, I suggest doing it with that principle in mind.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Hi Blake,
I'm sorry to hear this story.
Just last weekend you were excited because you had a sober night with her and you played a song, etc.
This week, she's kicking things off just like she wants it and you're getting amped up about it.
Seduce
Poison
Seduce
Poison
I'm sorry to hear this story.
Just last weekend you were excited because you had a sober night with her and you played a song, etc.
This week, she's kicking things off just like she wants it and you're getting amped up about it.
Seduce
Poison
Seduce
Poison
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I second the brilliant Ms. Anvil's post. This woman is an adult, and a professional. Do you happen to know why she is moving? Maybe her parents are fed up with her behavior?
You gotta work on unwrapping the bubble wrap you have this woman in. If she sinks, she sinks. It might be what she needs in order to wake up to the unmanageability of her own life. You aren't doing her any favors by protecting her.
You gotta work on unwrapping the bubble wrap you have this woman in. If she sinks, she sinks. It might be what she needs in order to wake up to the unmanageability of her own life. You aren't doing her any favors by protecting her.
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