Finally starting to get it
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Finally starting to get it
This morning, I have hope that I’m finally learning something from Alanon and SR and actually applying it to life, and it feels really really good.
First thing: RAH took the ancient basset out (usually my job) and came back in complaining about how many times the dog’s hind end gave out and what a hassle it was. I refrained from starting the lecture about “the dog is old, he can’t help it, have some compassion for him” and simply thanked him for taking Sam out.
Next: He grumps around the house throughout the morning routine, nothing really overt, but I suspect most of you know what I mean, that passive-aggressive huffiness that just BEGS you to ask “gosh, hon, what’s wrong?” I refrained from asking what was wrong and just continued as if all was well.
Next: He has a fit b/c the socks he grabbed out of the dresser don’t match and he has to go back over and get different ones. Then he tromps off to the kitchen to get his breakfast ready. I decide to stay in my office and check emails, etc., since he is clearly in a foul mood. When it’s nearly time for him to leave, I go out to the kitchen and say “I apologize if you feel I ignored you, but it seemed you might do better w/a little space this AM.” Well, yes, apparently he DID feel ignored and dammit, I sat on the chair that HE always sits on to put on his socks and so then he had to sit on the BED instead of the CHAIR to put his socks on (now you know I can’t make this stuff up, right?). I said “gosh, sorry, would have been glad to move if you asked me to.” As he huffs out the door, I tell him to have a good day, and also mention that after today, he’s got a 4-day weekend coming. “Well, I don’t know if that’s even a good thing!” is the petulant reply. Fine, then how about I take the 4-day weekend and YOU take the 2 days I have to work? But I do not say this and just wave goodbye like usual.
Next: As I’m on the phone w/my sis, I hear call waiting beeping. I am pretty sure it’s RAH, since this is the pattern, to leave all pissed off and then call and apologize. I let it go to voicemail and finish conversation w/sis. I check it. Yep, it’s him apologizing (or sort of apologizing). Well, that’s nice. We can talk (or not) when he gets home. He’s at work and I have things to do before I start my own work; this is not something we need to address right now. I’m not derailing my day w/concerns about his mental state.
So, the point of all this? I am so incredibly pleased that I was able to be there, do my normal AM routine in the presence of his “bad morning” and be sucked into the vortex as minimally as I was! Wow, when I think of what this would have done to me a few short months ago—and I honestly believed I didn’t cater to him or do any of that codependent $hit. Hmm, guess I did do it….different viewpoint now, lots more information now, lots more self-knowledge now.
Could I have done even better this AM? Sure. Will this happen again on another day and I WILL get sucked in? Probably. But am I incredibly happy that I managed to dodge the bullet this time by staying on my side of the street? You bet! And I was even able to feel some little twinklings of compassion for him at the same time as I was detaching, but yet not allow that to override what I needed to do for my own peace. That may be a first for me.
Thank you to everyone who has helped me get this far along my path, and to those of you still flailing at the very beginning of things, there is definitely hope. You are not alone and together we can do this.
First thing: RAH took the ancient basset out (usually my job) and came back in complaining about how many times the dog’s hind end gave out and what a hassle it was. I refrained from starting the lecture about “the dog is old, he can’t help it, have some compassion for him” and simply thanked him for taking Sam out.
Next: He grumps around the house throughout the morning routine, nothing really overt, but I suspect most of you know what I mean, that passive-aggressive huffiness that just BEGS you to ask “gosh, hon, what’s wrong?” I refrained from asking what was wrong and just continued as if all was well.
Next: He has a fit b/c the socks he grabbed out of the dresser don’t match and he has to go back over and get different ones. Then he tromps off to the kitchen to get his breakfast ready. I decide to stay in my office and check emails, etc., since he is clearly in a foul mood. When it’s nearly time for him to leave, I go out to the kitchen and say “I apologize if you feel I ignored you, but it seemed you might do better w/a little space this AM.” Well, yes, apparently he DID feel ignored and dammit, I sat on the chair that HE always sits on to put on his socks and so then he had to sit on the BED instead of the CHAIR to put his socks on (now you know I can’t make this stuff up, right?). I said “gosh, sorry, would have been glad to move if you asked me to.” As he huffs out the door, I tell him to have a good day, and also mention that after today, he’s got a 4-day weekend coming. “Well, I don’t know if that’s even a good thing!” is the petulant reply. Fine, then how about I take the 4-day weekend and YOU take the 2 days I have to work? But I do not say this and just wave goodbye like usual.
Next: As I’m on the phone w/my sis, I hear call waiting beeping. I am pretty sure it’s RAH, since this is the pattern, to leave all pissed off and then call and apologize. I let it go to voicemail and finish conversation w/sis. I check it. Yep, it’s him apologizing (or sort of apologizing). Well, that’s nice. We can talk (or not) when he gets home. He’s at work and I have things to do before I start my own work; this is not something we need to address right now. I’m not derailing my day w/concerns about his mental state.
So, the point of all this? I am so incredibly pleased that I was able to be there, do my normal AM routine in the presence of his “bad morning” and be sucked into the vortex as minimally as I was! Wow, when I think of what this would have done to me a few short months ago—and I honestly believed I didn’t cater to him or do any of that codependent $hit. Hmm, guess I did do it….different viewpoint now, lots more information now, lots more self-knowledge now.
Could I have done even better this AM? Sure. Will this happen again on another day and I WILL get sucked in? Probably. But am I incredibly happy that I managed to dodge the bullet this time by staying on my side of the street? You bet! And I was even able to feel some little twinklings of compassion for him at the same time as I was detaching, but yet not allow that to override what I needed to do for my own peace. That may be a first for me.
Thank you to everyone who has helped me get this far along my path, and to those of you still flailing at the very beginning of things, there is definitely hope. You are not alone and together we can do this.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Good for you!!
My AW always seems to be troubled by some ailment - real or conjured up, I really don't know.. I used to BEG her to tell me what was wrong. Now - I ask once, maybe twice, and then drop it. If she wants to play martyr and all, that's her choice. I'm getting older myslef and have my own aches and pains from running the household pretty much on my own and taing care of a 3 year-old, I don't need her 'woe is me' attitude constantly.
And it's because of SR that I learned these things.. Kepp up the good work!
C-OH Dad
My AW always seems to be troubled by some ailment - real or conjured up, I really don't know.. I used to BEG her to tell me what was wrong. Now - I ask once, maybe twice, and then drop it. If she wants to play martyr and all, that's her choice. I'm getting older myslef and have my own aches and pains from running the household pretty much on my own and taing care of a 3 year-old, I don't need her 'woe is me' attitude constantly.
And it's because of SR that I learned these things.. Kepp up the good work!
C-OH Dad
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 236
Wow, it seems that reality just loves to slap me in the face. "Hi this is reality do I really have to slap you in the face with a 2x4 every single day?", Yes apparently is does. Reading your post I just realized that I was compartmentalizing Mr. Wonderful's daily actions. Seperating drunk version vs. sober version. I just realized that it affects every aspect of his being and I was playing right along with it and fell hook, line and sinker.
Good on you for not pandering to his attitude. And thanks for the "slap in the face"
Good on you for not pandering to his attitude. And thanks for the "slap in the face"
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by honeypig 
Could I have done even better this AM? Sure. Will this happen again on another day and I WILL get sucked in? Probably. But am I incredibly happy that I managed to dodge the bullet this time by staying on my side of the street? You bet! And I was even able to feel some little twinklings of compassion for him at the same time as I was detaching, but yet not allow that to override what I needed to do for my own peace. That may be a first for me.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
You know, part of my joy in the happenings of this AM is just how free this makes me feel. I mean, if I had any inkling of trying to be a "good wife" and not upset the hub so he wouldn't be "driven to drink", HOW THE F*** would I ever guess that I shouldn't sit in his designated sock-putting-on chair? Talk about realizing that you can't control things!
He woke up crabby--happens to us all. But only an A's brain would spin things that specific way and hang onto things like that, and while I can feel sorry that he has that to deal with, I do not have to let it alter the course of my day, physically or emotionally. Makes me feel light as air!
He woke up crabby--happens to us all. But only an A's brain would spin things that specific way and hang onto things like that, and while I can feel sorry that he has that to deal with, I do not have to let it alter the course of my day, physically or emotionally. Makes me feel light as air!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by fedupbeyondall
Sorry to have made my comment on your post all about me. Just want to also say congrats, keep up the good work.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Originally Posted by Recovering2
I'm glad Sam the bassett got his walk!
My avatar is Ned, our other basset. We also have a little black Demon Terrier named Daisy.
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