Plath

I realize that I haven't been here for a while, and I would like to say "Hi" before I allow my confused thoughts to spill out here. Thank you all for being here, it's refreshing to see familiar names after a long absence.

I don't know if what I need to talk about has much to do with being an ACA, but I do know that I've never learned how to cope with basic feelings in a healthy way, due to my childhood, so I suppose it does.

I'm very isolated right now, and have been for some considerable time. We moved about 40 minutes from the city and have a toddler, so it's difficult for me to get out and spend time with the few friends I have chosen to keep in my life.
My husband is very non-communicative, and I love to talk. I like to chat with people, and I have no adult company at all. The only adult interaction I get is when I go into work (which happens about three times a month).

I work at a women's shelter, so I chat with the clients, and then when my relief comes in I talk their ear off until I'm mildly horrified with myself. And then I proceed to beat myself to a pulp mentally for relentlessly talking AT my coworkers, and probably coming across like a crazy person (definitely not a good thing when you work in social services).

I had met a friend who lives nearby, and at first it was lovely to have her and her daughter come over to our house. It gave my son someone to play with, and me someone to talk to...or so I thought.

My friend has ended up being a total nutter (she told me that she was diagnosed as bipolar, and I didn't think much of it until I realized that she is basically manic and paranoid at all times, and is also an ACA who still chooses to engage in her family's horribly abusive dynamic). Her anger, paranoia, and anxiety was so strong, and she was so relentless in talking about it that it was starting to cause my own anxiety to skyrocket, and that's never a good relationship.

So I've had to disengage from her, and have been successful with that for the most part...but now again, I have no adult company in my life, except for family when they come to visit, or when I talk to them on the phone. The family interaction is mostly positive these days, save for some drama that I try not to get involved in directly.

I am not the kind of mother who wakes up raring to go take her VERY "energetic" toddler out to the park or wherever, so I mostly stay at home with him. He's quite a handful to take anywhere, so it's almost not worth it to do it alone. So I'm here with my toddler most days, and I am absolutely dying for company.

So, the end result of this is that when I do encounter other grown adults to converse with, I come off as relentless, and I can't stop talking. I see the looks people get after I've been talking for a while, and after being "talked at" by my bipolar friend, I can understand thinking "oh my gosh, this person is really mental".

So I'm not sure how to deal with feeling isolated. There are some things missing from my life that I used to enjoy doing, and they haven't been replaced with anything so far. I suppose I need to find an outlet to be able to reintegrate myself into society without babbling at people. I just feel so ashamed of myself.

There are other things I would like some input on, or to find out if anyone else has ever felt like this, but I am going to put out another thread for that, I think.

I suppose I really needed to vent, and self-acceptance may be forthcoming, which might allow me to address myself in a more loving fashion, and that always helps with the behaviors. I think I'll work on that one tonight.

Thanks for reading. I've missed this forum, but life keeps going, regardless of whether we're trying to better ourselves or not.

Kialua

Having a preschooler at home is not easy. Without the support of my family, in fact despite, I found groups to join at my church, had a membership to the local community pool, and the zoo. That was three days a week. Then we had neighbors and friends. It's easy to isolate with preschoolers because it seems easier but it only makes it's own new problems. Being proactive isn't easy. Being isolated is. Your choice.

Plath

Yes, I'm thinking about looking up some support groups for moms in my area. I definitely need something to do for myself, because the isolation factor is beginning to affect my work.

I recently tried getting friendly with our neighbors, as they have kids and my son really likes to play with the youngest girl. The problem with that has been that they're a very odd family, and the older (20 years old) daughter is the only person at home with the kids while the dad is out of town...and she has some very questionable friends. Our other neighbors are either not home during the day, or they're a bit odd as well. So there went that attempt.

You're right, it is unbelievably difficult for me to get up and get us both ready to go anywhere during the day, so it is far easier to just stay at home, and let family come to visit. I recently made some changes to my diet and vitamin supplements that seem to have given me far more energy, so that's a nice plus.

I confess that I'm afraid to take him out to places like the park or wherever right now, as I'm so desperate for friendship that I'm afraid I'll bombard the first mother I see there. I also have an aversion to going to group activities, as I've always felt that I don't fit in. The only places I've ever truly felt at home in were 12 step meetings, honestly.

Right now I'm feeling super panicky, so I may need to process some of my feelings before I run out tomorrow and try to make friends with other mothers. I've emailed my therapist and requested an appointment, so that will probably help.

I recently stopped going into town by myself and shopping, which was a really nice outlet for me. It gave me a chance to have some time to myself, do something I enjoyed, and simultaneously talk to a lot of different people while I was out and about. I find lately that I generally buy what I need online, and I just don't need as much "stuff" as I did before.

So maybe finding some sort of activity that I enjoy, that would allow me to interact with other people but not be fixed to interacting with any one particular group, would be a great thing. I noticed an article in our little weekly newspaper about watercolor classes at the local community center, maybe something like that would help.

Thanks for responding, Kialua. It's nice to "see" you.

Mracoa

When my anxiety is high, I find it hard to break from my established routine. Doing anything new adds to the anxiety and I find myself wanting to avoid it. But I normally find that if I can overcome and go do something new, I always enjoy it once I get to doing it. I feel better after that I tried something new. So, when I'm thinking about doing something new, I need to remind myself that the anxiety I feel is my programmed reaction, and that if I follow through it will be alright and the anxiety will fade.

Plath

That is an excellent point, Mracoa. It seems so obvious, but I think it's something that I've become so accustomed to glossing over mentally that I don't realize it's there. Yes, anxiety when it comes to breaking the established routine. I can't stand it, and it does take tremendous willpower for me to do it. It's easier if it's doing something that I've done before, like going to the park or something, or if I don't have any stake in what happens when I go... Thanks for helping me see that it's a part of the anxiety factor; I think I'll bring that to the table at my next therapy session.

Plath

Update:
Ah, I feel a little better already, taking some small but proactive steps. I had looked up support groups in my area, and found what I thought was a therapist who lead an ACA meeting here in our town (which would be odd, because it's such a small town). She doesn't do that, but she was very friendly and offered a lot of suggestions about where I might go to get me and my son out, and meet some other mothers in a casual environment (the local community center, some hot spot parks where people take young children, etc.).

Then I called a friend of mine who only lives a few miles away, but we just never end up getting together, with family stuff and busy schedules. She is one person who seems to be on the same page that I'm on as far as emotional growth, so she's good to talk to. We made tentative plans for her and her family to come out tomorrow and barbecue with us for the fourth, and I feel much better after just talking to a couple of adults who totally understand where I'm coming from.

Whew... It feels better having some solutions in the works, and it makes me feel more relaxed about my work environment. If I'm not seeking approval and company in my work environment (which is inappropriate where I work), I can feel better about trusting my ability to be more of a professional while I'm there.

Thanks everyone for being here for me to kind of sort out my chaos. I was feeling pretty overwhelmed, but I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Sometimes things like isolation can sneak up on us, and then it can feel like we've been blindsided when we realize how it has affected us (I suppose that's true for myself, anyway).

I guess that, when I've had enough of feeling a certain way, I become at least a little more willing to step out of my comfort zone, even if it's just one or two small steps.

I'll keep working on this, and will hopefully be able to schedule a therapy session soon to address the anxiety factor when stepping out to try new things.

Much love and thanks to all. This is pretty new territory for me in many ways, so I appreciate the input and support tremendously.

Learning how to interact with people appropriately is kind of a new thing, as I am living in a new town and must forge new relationships...without overwhelming the people I'm talking to, and then shaming myself for it.

Kialua

Preschool isolation can really get to you unless you find some groups to join in with. I hope you find some, your son probably needs it as much as you do.

This is not something the two of you can do together but have you heard of Toastmasters? Find a Club - Toastmasters International They are good place to practice public speaking on safe topics and learn how to mix various types of people. Your ability to write so well makes me think you might be a good speaker.

Here is something for the both of you, Mommy & Me Meetup groups http://mommy-me.meetup.com/ If they don't have one near you maybe you could request they start one and take that on.

Oh and don't forget Story Time at your local library, those are always fun for the kids.

I'm glad you are feeling upbeat.

tromboneliness

Good to hear from you again!

T

Plath

Thank you! It's good to "see" all of you, and be back. As always, once I bring something up on here, it has lead me to other realizations about myself. I'll probably post more about that later, as I have time to process it...
For the time being, gardening therapy is working its magic.

Plath

Thanks Kialua. I will keep those on my radar.

It's interesting, because I actually am a very good speaker, and I can carry on fun, animated conversations with people whenever I'm comfortable. With strangers, or people I know, it doesn't really matter. In my work experience at places like treatment centers, I've been able to stand up at the front of the room and lead group sessions about recovery topics, and things like that.

What I'm realizing about myself is that, as a former addict in my own life, I have generally been around people who have had similar experiences to mine, similar childhoods, etc., and I am comfortable with that.

Moving to a small town and becoming less tolerant of chaos and drama has forced me to interact with an entirely different facet of society that I'm absolutely not comfortable with.

I think the issue here is that I feel as though I am trying to put up this "normal" facade, when in fact I am still walking around with the cloak of the black sheep, at least unconsciously. I still feel like the teenage outcast who is going to be rejected by all the popular kids, so it's incredibly difficult for me to be around "normal" people and not either talk nervously and relentlessly, or just try to avoid them altogether.

I think that's a part of what's happening at my work. I feel very out of place compared to the zen-like demeanor of my coworkers (although I'm not bad at what I do), so I just talk and talk to cover up my nervousness.

So it's a real challenge, and an outright trigger for me to go to group meetings full of what I consider "normal" people. Deep down, I still feel rejected, secretive, and scared. So I don't do it.

I'm not sure what the solution to this is, exactly, but I do know that self-acceptance will play an absolutely key role in allowing me to figure it out.

tromboneliness

I used to live in Flagstaff, Arizona -- and I actually liked the small-town aspect, for a reason that might be surprising: Precisely because you frequently run into people you know around town. Which means that you frequently run into people you know from Al-Anon around town.

I have never been able to understand why people say, "I don't want to go to a meeting where I live, because I might run into people I know, and they'd see me outside." Why is that not a good thing? It means that you've got friends who get it and understand the issues we deal with, that most people think are "weaknesses."

And if you run into an enemy (or "frenemy") at a meeting, that might be good, too -- and after a few meetings, you might not be enemies anymore!

T

Plath

Tromboneliness, I've never gone to an Al-Anon meeting.

Mainly because I didn't realize that my step-dad was an alcoholic until later in life, and my mom just carried around the anger and abusiveness of her alcoholic father, without the alcoholism.

I come to this page (and would go to meetings, if there were more available) because of the toxicity that was carried through the generations in my family.

I no longer attend other 12 step meetings, as drugs and alcohol are just not an issue for me at this point in my life, and haven't been for many years. But a lot of the unhealthy behaviors remain, from childhood and my years of active addiction.

I really do wish there were more ACA meetings available, because that's where I would be heading right about now.

I feel like if I go into an Al-Anon meeting, people are going to be like "Okay, so no one in your life is an alcoholic or an addict. What the heck are you doing here?"

So there's that...

DesertEyes

Hello Plath, and pardon me for jumping in so late in your thread

Depends on the meeting. If you browse around the meeting directories you will see that some meetings are focused specifically on ACoA issues. The reason is that al-anon recognizes that ACoA "stuff" can be the root of al-anon issues. When I first moved into this town there were _no_ ACoA meetings at all, but a couple of the al-anon meets worked just fine for me.

Perhaps there will be such a "focus" meeting in your area. The directory will read "AFG Adult Children Survival To Recovery", or something like that. Oh, and they will _never_ throw you out, if the peeps at an al-anon meet are not ACoA themselves, they will be _raising_ some ACoA's. They _will_ be nice to you even if they have nothing else to offer you.

http://www.al-anon.org/local-meetings

ACoA originally started in Al-anon, way back in the early '80's. Nowadays you find peeps from all kinds of other recovery programs in ACoA meets.

Mike

Plath

Thanks, Mike. I'll look into the meetings we have around here. I know that there aren't many twelve step meetings here in general (it's a very small town), but there may be some nearby, as you get closer to the city.

I'll think on that. Until then, I have the option of going into therapy on Saturday, and maybe just addressing feeling like a "black sheep". My friend and her kids are coming over this evening, so that will be a nice thing. She's "my kind of crazy", if you know what I mean. The kind of "everybody has issues, but we don't have to be non-stop toxic about it" crazy, ha.

Feeling a little better about it, but I really do want to work on the self-acceptance and digging in to that part of me that has never felt comfortable around "normal" people.

But I will check into the Al-Anon meetings around here, and see if anything looks like it might be a good fit.

Thanks for responding to my thread, it's good to be back, and it's good to "see" you.

tromboneliness

Doesn't matter! That's because what it's really about -- once you're out of crisis mode -- isn't so much "what do I do with this alcoholic," but has more to do with "how do I deal with people," or "people, places, and things," as the program cliché goes.

I don't have an active alcoholic in my life anymore, but I still have to deal with people every day... and my own issues make me, who I am, every day. It's a little hard to explain -- when I first went to an Al-Anon meeting, I was in crisis mode, and I thought Al-Anon was "a group that will show you how to make her stop drinking." Heh... fat chance of that! But once I got there, I found out that there was a lot I could do to imprrove the situation, without any action on the part of the alcoholic. (Or a mean boss, a dictatorial bandleader, controlling relatives, you name it.)

I like to keep it simple -- the bottom line is that you can't control or change people. That is a profound realization, to most of us, because we are brought up to think that you can change someone. You can persuade them, using your superior powers of reason, or your masterful grasp of logic and how to construct airtight arguments in support of doing things your way instead of theirs. We hear this all the time. But I like to turn it around and say, "Are there people who control me? Is there someone who, when they say 'Jump!,' I ask, 'How high?' Do I take orders from people?" Basically, no, at least in my case. I don't change, just because someone who claims to "love" me says, "Why can't you just be more thoughtful?" or, "Why don't you fill the gas tank before you bring the car home?" or "Why can't you do some of the chores around here once in awhile?"

Anyhow, any Al-Anon meeting I've ever been to, they don't ask you what you're doing there -- I think the standard language is that anyone who "has been affected by someone else's drinking" is welcome. ACA meetings are harder to find, but you might find an Al-Anon meeting with adult-child focus, or something like that. ACA, though, can get pretty intense -- the Red Book they use is great, but it really spells out, in explicit terms, the stuff that a lot of ACA's carry around with them as a result of their experiences.

In the meantime, this is always a good place to talk about any of this stuff! :-)

T

Plath

Ha, thanks T.

Maybe I'll find an Al-Anon meeting around here to just sit quietly and listen. I think I looked once, and there aren't many, but there is a nearby smaller city than the one we were living in, and I would guess that they have some good meetings.

Do they ask newcomers to introduce themselves, like they do in other 12 step meetings, and say "Hi, my name is _________, and I'm affected by someone else's drinking"...? I might feel odd about that, because if you get down to it, I was indirectly affected only by my grandfather's drinking, and he died when I was a year old. But I don't mind introducing myself, just wondering if it's requested.

It does sound like a great alternative to the other 12 step programs I used to go to, since the root causes for my issues have shifted, or become clearer at any rate.

Hm... Thanks so much for the thoughts to chew on, everyone. I might just try it. A 12 step group would be a lot more comfortable for me to walk into, although I will probably start seeking out a few places where I can find other moms, too.
...And to learn how to deal with the people, places, and things stuff, heh. That's always a tough one.

DesertEyes

Not out here on the left coast. Peeps introduce themselves by first name only, and that's it. Some of the long-timers might say "My name is ____ and I am a grateful member of al-anon". Nobody is expected to say anything, it's a very low pressure program.

We have a sticky on the subject of what meetings are like .... gimme a sec cuz now I forgot where I put it...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html

Mike

irisgardens

Plath...thank you for your posting, as I have several of the same behaviors and feelings and have been working on it for years...but still feel uncomfortable as I can talk others ears off...and it isn't always appropriate. You were very articulate in describing the behaviors and I recognized my own 'black sheep' 'not normal' feelings' and am in alanon for that very reason...it has taken me years of therapy and re-learning to learn how wonderful alanon and the twelve steps are for me...around anything that I want to try to control or change...because I can't. I am back after a 4 year hiatus because I still need it even though I don't have the original issues that took me to the group. Thank you again...nice to know that I am not alone.

Plath

And likewise, Irisgardens.
It's nice to know that I'm not alone as well.

Plath

Thanks, Mike.
I am on the left coast, but in NA meetings people are expected to identify themselves as recovering addicts, and likewise in AA meetings, etc. It's nice to know that if I decide to go to an Al-Anon meeting, I don't have to identify myself as anything in particular.

We had a lovely Fourth with my friend and her kids, and everything was really nice and relaxed. We're planning to get together tomorrow, as we both have time in our schedules (I always have time in my schedule, but it's good to have someone to hang out with).

Of course I blurted out some blunt truths to my MIL and p*ssed her off quite well, but I've learned that that just happens between us sometimes. I enjoy the ride when she's being pleasant, and understand that it will cycle back to some sort of drama eventually, and try not to let it bother me (or if it does, I try to process it appropriately).

I said what I needed to say, not impolitely but not tip-toeing around the subject, and I suppose if she's offended by that it's really not my issue. I wasn't rude or inappropriate in any way this evening, so I'm going to count it as a win.

Thanks again, everyone. So glad to be back.