At a crossroads with my binge-drinking husband

Old 07-02-2013, 07:00 PM
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At a crossroads with my binge-drinking husband

I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my marriage.

My husband is a periodic binge-drinker. When we first got married, it would happen every few weeks, and he would always try to moderate. Now, it's evolved to where it's happened probably three times in the last three years. He doesn't drink at home, ever. He never comes home drunk after work or anything like that. I actually haven't been in his presence when he's been drunk for at least two years. If he ever does drink, I leave. Basically, the only time he ever drinks is when the rare social occasion comes along and he lets his guard down and has a drink. When he drinks there is no off button, and he gets loud, aggressive, and usually in some kind of trouble. Last December, after not drinking for a good six months, he had wine at his boss's house and got a DUI driving back to work. So, he's now in mandatory AA and counseling. He's actually had a surprisingly good attitude about it and seems to be treating it like a wake-up call. We are getting on a new health insurance plan in August, and he's saying he'd like to see a therapist about some underlying issues he has.


The problem we're having now is, our marriage is not at a healthy place. There's been a lot of tension lately. We just had a lengthy phone call and we both expressed how unhappy we are. He says I don't do anything without him, that it seems like I'm afraid to leave him home alone. It's true, I won't even go to my parents' for a visit two hours away. I never go out with girlfriends. I think part of me feels like he has had to give up social stuff to avoid alcohol and if I go out, he'll feel like it's okay to do it, too. He says he turns down any social offers he gets, even just watching a soccer game at a friend's house, because he knows we'll fight about it and I'll text him constantly while he's gone. We both agreed that life is too short to live like this. He said he knows that he's earned my distrust, but that we have to move forward and live normal lives. He says he doesn't want to go out to bars or drinking, but he also doesn't want to have me calling him because he's five minutes late from work, because it makes him feel like a child. He says he doesn't want a toxic environment for our kids, and that he won't do that to them or raise them in a house with fighting parents. He also says he's 34 now, and that our kids are getting older, and he doesn't ever want them to see him drunk.

I don't want to micromanage or make him feel like a child. But he did earn this. I don't enjoy worrying or acting like his mommy. I know he will sink or swim on his own. But I also feel like if I control things, I'll keep bad stuff from happening and I'll protect our family. We're settled into our house, our son is starting at a great kindergarden, and I have an interview next week for a great job. Everything is falling into place. I would hate to see him go to dinner with a friend and blow everything by taking a drink. If he just doesn't go anywhere, that can't happen. But I don't want to be a prisoner to that for the rest of my life or be his keeper. If we divorce and we both move on, maybe we'd be happier with a fresh start and he could have a clean slate. We both want to make our marriage work, but not if the cost is that our children have to live with a miserable mom and dad.

Is this doomed? Am I justified in worrying so much? I feel like I am, but I also know that I'm an anxious person, and I used to treat my little sister the same way when we lived together. If she was out late, I would worry to death. I'm a natural worrier, so being married to someone like my husband is kind of the perfect storm combined with my anxiety. Do I just let go, and let the cards fall how they're going to fall? Or do I just cut my losses and get my own place and we share custody? He says he will be supportive if that's what I want to do, but he'd like us to find a way to get through this. I just don't know.
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Old 07-02-2013, 10:36 PM
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Hi Emmy...what are you doing for yourself? Are you attending Al-Anon? The three C's really apply to your post - you did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it.

A lot of the things you describe in the way you attempt to control your husband's behaviors are things I was doing...and which ended with me in counseling and diagnosed with anxiety & depression. That didn't help my marriage. The main thing I've learned is that I am only responsible for my actions/thoughts/feelings/behaviors/emotions/etc. My RAH is responsible for his - nothing I do or say will change that.

My RAH has lost my trust, and it sounds like yours has too. I'm not sure how he's going to earn that back, but I've told him it is his to earn...it will not be given. It sounds like you need a frank discussion about trust - do you think you will ever be able to trust him again? What is he willing to do to be worthy of your trust? Your RAH has made some positive steps in the direction of sobriety - that is a truly wonderful thing! He is working on himself. You need to work on yourself, that seems to be the thing that actually works for people and makes positive progress in their relationships.
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Old 07-03-2013, 03:41 AM
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Over the las two years of my RAW I have been through three relapses, a DUI, another trip to rehab and her start of individual counselling.

I have hit two crossroads during this for myself and right now my marriage is in a jello like state. Firming up but has a little wiggle still.

I had to write down recently for myself what I trusted my RAW with. I started with simple things like not burn the house down. It was hard to do at first becasue I felt like I couldn't trust either, but I know there are some things left in the trust bowl.

Anxiety was a different issue for me and I had never had it until all of this started. I learned breathing techniques and found little exercises to detach myself from the situation. Sometimes I do good, other times not so good. i am learning to do it which is important for me.

I go to a few Al-Anon meetings each week. It is co-located with the AA groups. I have friends in there who have years of sobriety (20+). Besides the Al-Anon people, they are someone that I can sit and talk with who have provided me perspective in things with my RAW. They have never told me to stay married, get divorced or do anything crazy. Just perspective on the mind of my RAW.

For me, I have noticed the emotional pain my RAW went through after a slip/relapse. She had discussed not deserving a marriage or children. I at one point looked at my marriage and was upset that it did not fit the MODEL that I thought it was when I got married 20 years ago.

So your question is "Is it doomed?"

IMO....not necessarily. If both of you really want it you will do what you have to resolve your issues. Be aware of your feelings, AA teachs A's about HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired). That works for us also, most of the time the anxiety and trust issues bubble up when one of those things is going on.

If you haven't, go to an Al-Anon meeting. Don't have to talk, you might get hugged by a random stranger if they have a "greeter" assigned. Matter of fact, you might get multiple hugs from multiple random strangers. Give it 5 or 6 meetings. There are a LOT of us in this situation other than the random internet bots who type on forums. Those meetings have helped me immensly. There are a lot of helpful people in there who care and will help if you give it the chance.

Hang in there, sometimes the straight line life we imagine (start/marriage/kids/finish) has a few turns.
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Old 07-03-2013, 05:07 AM
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EmmyG-

What have you done for you?

For me when I was micromanaging it was because I was trying not to feel. Feel how I felt about my loved one with alcohol concerns, feel what I felt about my childhood, feel what I felt about myself and my own concerns.

Your posts in the past have been mostly about your loved one...and helping him get to where he needs to be.

What about you?
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Old 07-03-2013, 11:07 AM
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A lot of your energy seems to be going to monitor him. And, from experience, you can't make him or prevent him from anything he is going to do, or anything that is going to happen.

He needs to be free to take accountability for his own recovery, and to monitor his own behavior, correct his mistakes if and when he makes them.

In Alanon terms, I think you are walking on his side of the street. I did that, too, with my EAH, and it only made him mad.

If you also know that you did this with your sister when she lived with you, it is something to look at in yourself. Maybe thinking outloud about what a mutual trusting relationship would look like to you, would be helpful. This will come up again as your children get older - - we have to let them go to live their own lives.

Alanon, reading Melodie Beattie's book Co-Dependent No More, counselling that focuses on you, what causes your anxiety, and reassures you that you can be happy and fulfilled without focusing on trying to make things right for the loved ones in your life - - all this would be helpful.

I think there is more hope for the success of your marriage than meets your eye!

ShootingStar1
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Old 07-03-2013, 12:03 PM
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Agreeing with what many have said here. I tried the micromanaging and you know what happened? He binged, he did something stupid, and there was still nothing I could do to stop it. I've been at a crossroads for a long time in my marriage, but I have given up on managing him. I don't change my life for him, I go out with my friends, I leave and go on vacation even though I know he will leave the dog alone or lose the dog which he's done before. I don't stop living just because he may get into trouble. My AH also has a DUI but was not directed to go to AA. The trust is where I struggle, and I can totally relate to your post. The best thing I ever did for myself was getting into Al Anon and getting a sponsor. She helps keep me sane and reminds me that he's a grown man and there is nothing I can or should do to prevent him from living his own life. Hugs to you!
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Old 07-03-2013, 12:35 PM
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I personally think that when you police someone else's activities so closely like this (no matter the reason) it's like issuing a challenge for them to "defy" you and preps the breeding ground for deep resentments to develop.

Even if you are successful, what are you TRULY gaining? All the control in the world isn't going to rebuild trust, it doesn't heal your wounds or provide you new tools or methods to deal with REAL problems. The time, energy & head space it takes to manage that level of control sounds exhausting to me, honestly, & when I got to the point you are at I could barely recognize the person I am underneath all of that sound & fury. It wasn't who *I* was or wanted to be & when I realized that, I knew things had to change because I like who I am without all that baggage!
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