ckoures

I have to go face my spouse and his overwhelming disdain for my drinking. UGH. I would rather gouge my eyes out with dull spoons. Oh well, made my bed, now I get to lie in it.

I've been thinking today about the things that prompt me to want to drink - and it's usually the same: nervous, stressed, worried about him being mad, worried I'm not a good enough mom, and then overwhelming boredom.

ANd I guess the bottomline, is I am selfish. A selfish person drinks to stop their pain. Right? Because that's exactly what I am about to be told.

doggonecarl

By the time I was logging into a recovery web site and counting my "sober" days and dreading my relapses, I drank because I needed to. I had lot's of excuses, but only one reason.

Maybe it's the same with you.

Soberpotamus

Instead of selfishness... maybe you are hurting? People around us don't always understand or know why we do things... I wouldn't worry so much about what he thinks of your drinking at this point... what do you think is going on? If you are bored, you might need to find some hobbies or activities to do during the time you'd ordinarily drink.

From your post, I hear you beating yourself over the head for being selfish... because maybe that's what you're accustomed to from your husband? I never bought into the "I'm a selfish person because I drink, or I am selfish, therefore I drink" deal... I think addiction is far more complicated and multifaceted than a person being selfish, you know?

wpainterw

No. Not selfish. Addicted. Long term consumption of alcohol causes certain neurological changes which result from the body's effort to adapt to the booze. The chemistry changes. The nervous system changes. So, as far as the body is concerned, alcohol becomes part of the routine and the brain figures out all sorts of reasons why the drinking has to continue. Hence "I drink because..." And your brain is saying you drink because you're selfish. And that makes you feel guilty and makes you want to drink even more. So it's a set up. You're setting yourself up, or rather your body and your brain are setting you up to drink.
It's tough to get out of this loop but hundreds have succeeded. This SR website is a fine start and you've done yourself a big favor by logging on. Often medical help is needed, as well as counseling and, if you find it helpful, AA or at least some support plan which puts you in touch with other recovering alcoholics. It's easier and less risky if you try not to do it alone. You can do this but expect it to be hard work and a challenge. The payoff is fantastic and you'll feel better about yourself than you've felt for a long while. Good luck.

W.

Sonrisa12

For me, I drank to escape my unhappiness and because of stress. I did it to numb myself. I did it to escape from my life.

I found that when I would hit the wine and start to get sloppy, I'd cry. It was almost as if that was the only allowed time to let my emotions out - it was my escape, my release, my outlet - and I preferred to drink alone. Other times when sober I bottled in those emotions and I guess I used the alcohol to help me in some way release - albeit in an incredibly unhealthy way. I was hurting. I was self-destructive, I was lost - not selfish. The truth is I am still hurting. I'm just not drinking anymore. I realize I need to face my issues and that is going to take a long time to do. I need to face them and I just can't do that with alcohol in my system.

So no, I don't think you are selfish at all - I think Jennie is right - maybe you are hurting. That my dear, does not make you selfish. That makes you human and maybe its time to examine the reason why you are drinking and think long and hard on it - and definitely doing something new during your witching hour (my vernacular for drinking hour). Get out of the house during that time and do something you enjoy. For me, it has been about changing patterns and habits and so far, I'm 17 days sober.

If I can do it - so can YOU!

josi

I use to think I was selfish too because my husband would tell me I was. Now I realize I just don't have any control over my drinking. For some reason I can't stay sober for longer than 2 weeks. I seem to drink for similar reasons as you and as I write this, I'm drinking but I'm trying to figure out how to stop. Not just for tonight but for tomorrow and the next day. I think I've come to the conclusion that I need more support than I have. I promised my counselor that I would try AA and I think that's my last resort, as I've tried everything else. I do know that I can't continue to drink. If your husband was more informed of what an alcoholic is maybe he would realize it's not easy for us. Hopefully your husand shows support and you're willing to listen to what he has to say other than that you're selfish. He may just be confused like my husband was.

Nuudawn

I too don't buy into the selfish thing. As others noted, it's much more multi-faceted than that. I never learned appropriate coping mechanisms or how to identify stress and/or my feelings all that well. I just picked up in "discomfort" I guess. I struggled with anxiety and a general awkwardness and unease of being..since I was a child. There were reasons, but they really aren't that important at this point. It was an escape ..and an answer, just not a good one. I think, as a result of this poor but habitual answer, our actions become self serving, but in essence we "picked up" to soothe our pain or discomfort. And once we found our answer, we didn't look for another really. It was working (or so we thought) ..so why think anymore about it? We don't...until we realize, it's not the ideal answer..lol. Bad stuff starts to happen and perhaps our life or health becomes affected.
Once we decide to stop, well then begins the arduous journey of finding new answers..better ones...healthy ones.

fantail

Be careful not to turn your conflict with your husband into a reason for you to keep drinking. I've fallen into that trap before... let my resentment for other people's criticism of my habits/attempts to control me convince me that my habits were fine. Or let tension in my relationships justify my drinking.

It sounds to me like you need to deal with your drinking and you need to deal with your relationship, and it's important to treat those like the two separate issues that they are.

Neither is fun, but you can do it.

BabyJane

Every human being on the planet could be called selfish at some point. How will it help for you to have more guilt? I don't think you are making excuses for drinking as much as admitting that you have this problem and trying to find out why it is occurring. Are you in recovery now or at least trying to cut down on drinking or (ideally) stop all together? Because if so, you're doing well by coming here and trying to get the feelings out. Your ex may have a poor opinion of you at this time but you can hold your head high in spite of the criticism if you are staying sober right? I hope it goes ok. Whatever you do, don't drink over it! It won't help; at least in my experience it always makes things worse never better no matter what's being said or done around me that I can't control. My reaction is the only thing I have power over, so I react as a sober woman and the rest eventually sorts itself out if I'm patitent and willing to do the work.