PickledPink

One of the things I've always tried to figure out is what makes us do this to ourselves.

I remember being in treatment and hearing all sorts of stories about what made someone an addict. Many people had extremely traumatic experiences and used drugs or alcohol to cope.

I felt like an outsider. Even though I too had a lot of "bad" things happen- rapes, childhood sexual abuse, panic...I never really thought that those were my reasons for drinking.

I am 35. The first time I got drunk, I was 14. I drank half a bottle of blackberry brandy that my parents had for "special occasions". My parents did not drink. Hardly ever. Drinking alcohol for the first time was, well, amazing. I felt so wonderful, and I had absolutely no negatives with it (aside from the shame when my parents freaked out). I weighed about 125 and was 5'10 at the time. There is no way that I should have been able to handle the amount of alcohol that I did, but for some reason it felt like the thing that my body was missing. Crazy. When I got older, it just became all the more easy to drink. I was the "functioning" alcoholic. I can easily down 2 bottles of 15% ABV wine like nothing. My favorite beer is 8% and I can drink a 12 pack a night with barely a hangover. That's just not right!

I used to have cop friends who would use me to teach roadside sobriety procedures because I could be 2-3 times the legal limit and usually pass. Nothing says you need a new group of friends than finding yourself spending the day in a room full of cops who feed you vodka, shot by shot.

I realized that I was drinking so much because I didn't really know how to do anything, or have any kind of fun without alcohol. Watching TV by myself at night was torture without a bottle or two of wine. I was bored, lonely and alcohol was like the comfortable best friend I never had.

So, what's the consensus? Do you think that your physical ability to handle your drug or drink of choice plays a huge part in your addiction? I mean, I've got a lot of friends who have had extremely traumatic, life altering events and they don't even think about drinking.

least

My life altering event was every morning waking up hating myself and wishing I were dead. That was traumatic enough.

Anna

No, for me it was dismal self-esteem and inability to cope with the demands of work, wife, mother. It was self-medication.

PickledPink

Least- is this why you abuse, or why you're getting sober?

The first time I got sober, I woke up around 3 pm one day, my daughter had been eating cake and watching TV since she got up. Husband was gone for the month. That was the first time I ever felt suicidal. I even planned it in my head. I remembered thinking that she deserved a better mom, my husband deserved a better wife and I wanted to die. A voice creeped in and pretty much told me to "tell" someone and I did. It scared me that I was actually contemplating death.

PickledPink

Anna- I guess for me, it was also part self-medication. Good point!

Hevyn

Hi Pickled.

In my case it calmed my anxiety. (No horrible childhood or trauma.) I was nervous & self-conscious. It made me feel normal. Only for a few years, though. The rest of my drinking career was spent seeking that euphoric feeling I once had. It never came back.

Soberpotamus

I was chasing the buzz... and not dealing with life, with my thoughts & emotions, not wanting to live in the here and now... I claimed I hated mediocrity, I wanted to be special and different... I wanted to be a great success. Somehow, alcohol became predominant in my life, over everything. And prevented me from becoming the "success" I'd hoped to be as a writer...

I hadn't dealt sufficiently with my upbringing, being the daughter of a notorious alcoholic and black sheep of the family. I was simultaneously sheltered by my grandparents and hung out to dry by the crazy antics of my mother, all the while told the incredible message of: You can be anything you want to be. You're smart. You can do anything...

I was running from the past, and running from me. Alcohol was my one constant.

ScottFromWI

I question how much our past really has to do with who becomes an alcoholic or who doesn't. I'm a perfect example of someone who shouldn't be an alcoholic. While my parents were not wealthy, I grew up in a great home with pretty much a perfect childhood. I went to a good college and got a degree. I got a good job pretty much right out of college. I have a great wife and kids too. I've never been abused emotionally or physically, and while I've never been "wealthy", I've always had a good place to live, food to eat and enough money to have fun from time to time.

Yet i'm still an alcoholic.

alphaomega

I believe I became addicted in utero.

I do not have full on fetal alcohol, but I know full well I was neurologically damaged, I am positively sure. So for me, I just always felt normal, familiar. My family dealt with everything with alcohol.

In addition, I think alcoholics along with being predisposed, also have a sensitivity to their surroundings and the world that is not seen as often in "normal" society.

My two cents.. Its free.

PickledPink

Wow! Chasing that buzz, so true! It never, ever felt as good as I *thought* it did!

I was running from me too, running from having to deal with reality, make decisions, deal with people. I think a part of me use alcohol as an excuse for why I wasn't what I had thought I should be.

mecanix

I think for me the seeds were sown in childhood . The timeline up to my sobriety date is this ,

As a kid , Isolation, bottling emotion up, feeling guilt when there's no purpose, concealing what lies within . sensitive , insecure and therefore a desperatly clingy people pleaser . up to 17

Started binging at about 20 .

later judgment of self and others and rage at myself and the world for not measuring up . Then disillusionment, depression and apathy . madly generous swinging to hopeless depression . 17-27

27 + Not depressed but had the illusion i could then at least be a Homer Simpson drunk and not a Barney Gumble .

34+ Then just hoplessly tired of life and drinking and not seeing an end to it ,did'nt want to let go of the only thing left that gave me pleasure, only the comfort of passing out everynight .

Sober at 37 .

Bestwishes, m

Olive1

Me too. Except for the wife and kids.

silentrun

I had to work my way up to it. I drank in my 20's but it always made me sick if I drank more than 3. I would try to lay down and the room would spin. In my 30's I started drinking more often and a little more each time. It was 10 years ago this month that I had my first black out after a night of binge drinking. I woke up on the couch and couldn't figure out why I hadn't thrown up. I knew something had changed. IT was like my body had adapted to handle a lot of alcohol. My brother is the type that from the very first time he drank it was on for him. I was astounded how much he could drink and not get sick. His body never had to adapt he could just do it right from the start. I would have to say he is a born alcoholic and I am a made one. My motivation was purely hedonistic.

misterritter

Since I realized I have a problem I have been doing a lot of reading and research, and one thing I have heard and read is that an increasing ability to tolerate large amounts of alcohol is a key component common to most if not all alcoholics. So, whatever gene that makes us more susceptible to developing alcoholism also results in a higher tolerance to the drug. Which goes along with the idea that alcoholism is a progressive disease. We need to drink more to get the same result, rinse and repeat.

Personally, on the surface I do not fit the bad childhood, abuse, trauma route. I 'shouldn't' be an alcoholic. For me I think its my way of coping with feelings and emotions that I don't know what to do with. Starting therapy has allowed me to see that I may be intellectually intelligent but emotionally I am ignorant. Alcohol is my way of dealing with and regulating emotions and anxiety in my life. (hopefully that is changing to read was my way of dealing with....).

ippochick

child of alcoholic parents here. 40 years old and been drinking since i was 9.

ostensibly, i drank because of my ****** childhood and terrible mother. in reality, i drank because i didn't know how to NOT drink...

OnTheLinks

For me I look forward to the buzz and getting onto social media sites to basically chat people up. I wouldn't dream of doing it when sober as I'm happy with a partner and kids, but after 4 drinks I can't wait to get drunk and do it.

That sounds so pathetic - but it's true.

AlexaDaly

Just trying to cope with life: an exhausting job, a son with cerebral palsy, the stress of paying bills, increasing anxiety, a stale marriage of 28 years... you know, just life! I felt like a big fat fraud as a Sunday School teacher and youth group leader and secretly an alcoholic. Makes me cringe to even write it! but I have to say I feel better sober and have less overall anxiety without alcohol, and my self esteem is so much better!! I will never go back!! NEVER!

OldRocker

My reason was because of my past ties. I played in an 80s rock band and it was just the culture at the time to party and to not care. We didnt move on and still partied like Motley Crue were living next door. Since then most of my 80s friends are dead and I was close to joining them.


80s/rock n roll debauchery was my excuse for a long time....even long after that ship sailed.

strawberryblond

You want to know something totally screwed up? I was molested as a child, had my first baby at 16, went through a nasty physically and emotional abusive first marriage, and got through being an unemployed single mom without drinking. I didn't start drinking until the worst probable time in my life- after I finished chemo and radiation treatment for breast cancer. Most people who go through that are just grateful to be alive. Me? I did the total opposite.

MeSoSober

Same here. I never drank until I got to college, but even then I think I tended to overdo it, even by college drinking standards. Couldn't tell you why. As a self-supporting adult, as far as I can tell I just loved the buzz too much and had no stop button. Not a good combination. I don't think it helped that, without a spouse or kids, I could get loaded pretty much at will on weeknights or weekends without witnesses.