lizatola

I am really struggling right now with handling my worry. My son has a skin condition that erupted after a stomach virus we both got and it's causing his skin on his hands and feet to peel deeply. I posted about it recently. Right now, we are still planning on going to FL, we have family to visit, cities to visit, pictures to take, etc and I'm sure we can make use of our time even if he's not healthy enough for tennis.

I am worrying over his future, praying that I'm handling his learning disabilities appropriately, hoping that I choose the right reading program, praying that the working memory training I'm signing him up for is worth all the cost of the program. Turning my decisions over to God and waiting for an answer as to whether I should hold him back or try part time in the very expensive private school that works with LD kids? I feel like a ship without a sail, just bobbing alone on the ocean waiting for the wind to guide me to my destination. UGH.

I worry about health issues for all of us, about the dog when I leave him with AH, about my own health sometimes too. Honestly, I've always been a bit of a worrier, ruminating over stuff that I know I have no control over. This all has gotten worse since the dog attack. I can't seem to shake it. My AH was watching a movie where a woman was being held at knife point by a guy and she was screaming and I felt this unbelievable fear rising up inside of me and I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I had to leave the room. Her scream reminded me of my own cries and screams from that night, it's weird. Although, I've never really cared for movies where people are tortured, murdered, etc. anyway.

So, other than medication: what can I do? I'm trying to get better about calling my sponsor. I'm working hard at journaling and I started doing a 5 minute meditation every day to help me with breathing and, well, meditation in general.

Florence

Liz, I can never remember. Are you seeing an individual counselor? These sounds like classic PTSD symptoms. There are a variety of treatments to manage these including meds and therapy.

It sounds like the dog attack peeled a scab off an old wound.

DreamsofSerenity

Hi Lizatola,

I'm very sorry the rash hasn't gone away yet.I'm also you have such anxiety and fear. I have a lot of it myself and was even thinking of posting on it today.

I put my child on a plane to Europe yesterday to see the father, and burst into tears at the airport in front of everyone. I looked like a total lunatic. My other child was scared, wondering what the h-ll was going on, and if it was really a dangerous situation or if I am just nuts.

I was terrified the plane was going to crash and I'm not really even scared of flying. I wanted to go on board and make sure the pilot wasn't drunk, and kept looking at the mechanics out the airport window to see if I could somehow sense competency, or a lack thereof. The entire time the plane was in the air, I was on edge. Today I feel better, but tomorrow I will start again. I worry about car accidents, kidnapping, illness, and sunburn.

Health issues are the worst for me. I was diagnosed with high BP because everytime I went anywhere near a doctor's office my BP shot through the roof. I got a cuff and started taking it at home; turns out it is actually low. I had a benign breast lump and the doctor had to give me xanax to take for a week until I got the results back. I had convinced myself that not only did I have cancer, it had metastasized to my lungs.

I could go and on about all my fears but I don't want to hijack your thread more than I already have. I basically wanted to share with you what I was thinking about myself yesterday. I was thinking that my problem must come down to the fact I have not really placed control in my HP yet. I still somehow feel like I have the power to control my destiny. Or maybe I have also lost a bit of trust in my HP. After my sister's death and some other crap that's happened in my life, I've come to think of life as something full of potential catastrophes. I no longer believe I deserve to have a life without tragedy and pain.

Anyway, I would like to know what ideas people have about this too. I do a lot of yoga which does wonders with my depression but has not seemed to work as well with the anxiety. I'm thinking maybe some books on positive thinking might help. I'm reluctant to take medication every day when my anxiety is really more episodic.

Anyway, you are not alone. I'm sure your son's rash will get better soon but I know how upsetting it is when your child is unwell.

Try exercise. It does help me somewhat.

Xxx

lizatola

Yes, I am. I see her tomorrow. She told me to watch for signs of PTSD, mostly because I was having dreams, fears of being out at night, startling at every sound I heard, etc but most of that has disipated by now.

For the first week after the attack, I couldn't watch TV much at all because of the violence, etc. Now, it's just screaming that gives me the creeps and makes me feel sick. I will talk to her about it tomorrow. Of course, I mentioned it to my AH and he just looked at me like I was weird but he still changed the channel for me.

I think the whole thing has enhanced my fear responses or something. I am already fearful about the trip to FL. Getting anxious about what I'm going to pack, fear about my son's health issues or whether we can stay healthy for the trip, etc. I keep reminding myself that I'm not going to Siberia, for God's sake, it's just FL and I have family and friends there. Yet, I just don't want to be away from home. I struggled going to Albuquerque a few weeks ago but once I was there, I was fine. So, I keep reminding myself that everything will be fine even if we have to turn around in 4 or 5 days to come home. No matter what, everything will be fine. UGH!

As for AH, he's actually been quite pleasant since I called him out on driving my car drunk and illegally. Been on his best behavior, we even learned how to play Chess this weekend and got along just fine. At this point, I'll take whatever I can get because I don't need the added stress from his side of the street.

lizatola

Hugs to you!!! I understand. When I was 13, my younger sister was diagnosed with leukemia. For most of my high school years, I thought I was dying of cancer. Always checking my lymph glands, feeling for lumps, etc. I spent enough time around cancer hospitals to know what to look for. I finally found a lump on my rib cage when I was 18. I had it removed right after senior graduation. It was a benign bone growth and they had to remove parts of my 11th and 12th rib cages on my right side. So, I like to joke to my son that he can poke right through me because of my 'hole'.

For me, I've seen a lot of tragedies, too. But, I think they've given me a healthier perspective instead of an anxious perspective. When my grandparents were hit by a car and my grandmother died at the scene, I remember thinking that today was a blessing because you never know when your last day will be. My AH used to ask me why I was always happy when I woke up every morning. And, I would tell him it was because God had blessed me with another day. You lose enough people to deadly accidents that take your family in the blink of an eye, and you appreciate the days that you have.

So, in other words, I can handle the idea of life vs death just fine. I am not afraid of death. What I'm afraid of is the ability to handle the other crap that comes along or actually could lead to death: illness, disease, breaking a bone, accidents, trauma emotionally or physically, planning for the future, financial stress, relationship stress, etc. If I could live in a bubble, maybe that would solve all my problems, LOL? Joking, of course.

Lyssy

I do know what you are feeling. I too suffer(ed) from it. It is much better now, but years ago it was almost debilitating. With me (my feelings) it was the most stupid, ridiculous fears. Couldn't figure out why it was happening.

My dr. is very good and recognized it and put my on an anxiety rx. I was reluctant because of addiction scares and decided that I would ONLY take when it the fears were extreme and unfounded. This seemed to clear some of the cobwebs and allow me to see what was bringing this issues on. Some were really obvious once I was able to take a step back (without the fear voices), some were physical, less obvious.

I am by no means advising meds. Just sharing what worked for me. I also did a lot of "self talk"(mantras of sort).

I will give you an example. I feel completely out of control driving on they freeways here (big city), but recently I have been forcing myself farther and farther out of my comfort zone. My "mantra" has been to keep saying to myself "what is the worst that can happen?" and then go through the possibilities. Most of them are no biggie - what if I get lost? Well, I get lost. I will and can find my way home.

With regard to your fears that you have control over - ask yourself - are you doing everything you can to the best of your ability to take care of these things?

bless5

I used to have a lot of anxiety, but it's almost completely gone these days. The first major change is my hubby has been sober 4 years now. That was a big contributor to my anxiety and I finally was ready to divorce if he didn't get sober, and I think he knew I was ready to bail. My RAH has also always has a lot of anxiety and depression. I told him I would stay in the marriage if he got sober and did everything in his power to be overcome it.

What has really helped us both is AA and AlAnon, eating a healthy diet, daily exercise where we get our heart rate up (doing a half marathon this fall), and honestly turning off most news. I can't hear all the horrible news 24/7, and listen to talking-heads bicker and stay joyful. I keep up with the big issues, but really limit my exposure. I can't watch violent tv either, as its hard for me to get it out of my head. I recently read that individuals that are prone to depression and anxiety are especially sensitive to negative information. Also, exercise is the closest thing to a wonder drug. Better than Prozac. That doesn't mean drugs don't have their place. I used something temporarily, but RAH has been on a antidepressant for years and will always have to take something. (But now it actually works since he's not mixing it with alcohol .

Hang in there. One day at a time, and sometimes one minute. Deep breaths!

wolfpackfan45

I can relate totally. For the last 23 years I've had to go through some very extreme health issues with my family members. To make a very long story short my father died, my husband had a heart attack & triple bypass at 42. My mother was diagnosed with the same cancer as my dad (they got hers early) & my husband then went into heart failure. During this time my daughter had both her hips replaced ( due to a hip condition she wore braces & had numerous surgeries all her life) when she was in college, but had to have both redone on an emergency basis last summer because of metal toxicity from the titanium hips. My husband lost his job as my youngest son entered college. My daughter's fiance stole all her $$ from her savings account while she was in medical school and the wedding was called off. I'm now the primary breadwinner on a teacher's salary & my son ends up in the hospital due to alcohol and anxiety. He told us he's an alcoholic. Needless to say, I broke down. The anxiety I was experiencing was unbelievable. I just couldn't hold up under all of it anymore. Every time the phone even rang I'd panic & run. I had to sleep with a pillow over my head because I was afraid someone would call in the night & tell me something else had happened. Any noise would startle me & I was a mess. Sleep issues, the whole nine yards. I couldn't go on like that anymore. I called my MD and went in. He told me I had a form of PTSD. He put me on an antidepressant which also helps with generalized anxiety disorder. I got in with a therapist & started weekly sessions.. I also started going to Al Anon meetings every Friday night. I spend time every day reading a Bible devotion & I pray. And pray. I'm working the 12 steps & I read Al Anon literature. I've found that working an Al anon program, & I mean really working it has helped me immensely. When I start getting anxious I try to stop the thoughts by getting busy, praying for God to help me through it, deep breathing, & rationalizing with myself. And i try to exercise every day. I make some time for me now. I've been everyone's caregiver for so long. I still have a long way to go but I'm getting there. Baby steps. I keep telling myself that things have to get better. I try my hardest to stay positive, but it's hard. I really do try to turn everything over to God. but it's been the most difficult lesson to learn. I just keep trusting He'll get me and my family through all this. You're not alone. I promise. Hang in there. Try to let go and let God.

DreamsofSerenity

Lizatola,

I have succeeded in practically living in a bubble yet still manage to worry about life on the inside of the bubble.

I'm sorry about your cancer anxiety as a kid and your sister's leukemia. That fear might have predisposed you to anxiety now. It's like the fearful thinking patterns can become ingrained in us, and then are hard to change.

I totally agree with Bless about the news. I don't listen to (or read) any of it. It irritates some of my friends to no end because they think it is somehow my responsibility as a human being to be aware of every horrible thing going on in the world at all times. The media wants to scare the crap out us because for some reason fear sells. We live in a very anxious society and I think it's hard to not absorb it.

ShootingStar1

Liz, I have thinking about how to respond to you for a bit now, and I just couldn't figure it out.

I read Wolfpackfan45's post, and I am blown away by her courage, determination, and forward motion in the face of such profound tragedies.

That kind of put into perspective for me part of what is working for me, helping me move forward.

I think I am finding, after a year gone from my AH and now divorced, that as I keep returning my focus to what is healthy for me, to what I can create that is positive for me and others, my enmeshment with my trials and tribulations lessens.

When I, in my impatience and self-importance, take back the wheel of this train I am riding, I try to push it up a hill, off the tracks, wherever I think it should go. And generally, I expect to get to this place FAST. NOW. Well, that just isn't working for me. I get very frustrated, then I get depressed, then I get frozen, then I get scared.

And around about that time, I see that me being conductor is not working. And I apologize and say to my HP, okay, you showed me again. I will let go. I will to work Thy will. And then the train seems to be gliding downhill easily to a better destination again.

I know many of you don't believe in God or a HP - I remember finding it very funny when someone said "HP" means Hewlett-Packard to them.

For me, it is quite literal, whether I want it to be or not. When I was despondent a few days ago, and posted about it, I decided to give up trying to be in charge, and told my HP that, and walked down to the Fiesta in my town. Your turn, I said. I was astonished that I happened to sit next to a man who was one of the arts leaders in this city, and he became interested in me, and gave me a tour of life in the arts in my new city.

It seems unreal, and I am almost embarrassed to post about this. But it keeps happening. When I let go. I sound crazy when I write this. But it happens.

So maybe part of the message here is that you are doing absolutely the most and the best any mother can do for her son. Your dedication and thoughtfulness about what the best decisions are is just great. Maybe it is time to let go of the outcome.

And, you are soon approaching the time where your son, who I believe is about 14, will need to start taking more and more charge of his own destiny.

I'd say believe in yourself, believe that you will do the best any mother can do, perfect or not, and that God will guide you - and your son - forward. Mistakes - or less than perfect decisions - are not life threatening. They are just opportunities for reflection and course correction.

I'd start relying more on your son's own judgment about what he feels is best for him. Soon enough, by 17 and 18, these will be his choices, his outcomes with his life. Maybe it is time to segway into realizing that your job as parent is not making his life perfect; it is guiding him to making his own good decisions.

When I worry, dwell in anxiety, fear the "what could be's", I get stuck. I waste my energy. I make simple things complicated. I don't have any joy. I get depressed. So I try to move myself out of that frame of mind, sometimes with more success than other times. It seems to be a fight I have with myself - is my attitude "I have to have it my way", and "I get to control everything around me, so the outcomes are my fault" going to win, or am I going to find my humility again and accept that I don't rule the world.

And I am ashamed to say, sometimes I really would like to rule my world. I can be very fierce, very determined, very sure that I am right. On occasion my adult daughter has been known to tell me, with empathy and a smile, "Mom, cool your jets." And she was right. I didn't even want to be queen - I am more interested in being king.

It's not that that is all bad. That determination, focus, fierceness, and drive has gotten me where I am. But it ain't all. It isn't enough. It works better when I am not pushing toward the puny results I can imagine. There is more out there when I let it emerge.

More and more, I just think life is about letting go and letting be.

ShootingStar1

Tuffgirl

Thank you ShootingStar for saying this - I feel the same way. And it has happened enough times for me to finally get it. And like it! Even if the time 'in between' things happening is scary or unsettling.

Lizatola, maybe instead of holding onto things so tightly, allow yourself to let it go. Have patience and faith that all will be well, including yourself.

ShootingStar1

Tuffgirl, it is good to know I am not alone in experiencing this. I am a spiritual person, but I am not particularly religious, no particular church, go to Unitarian services occasionally because they are ecumenical.... This is an unexpected, new thing for me to ask my HP for something and get such specific, sometimes humorous results. I feel a little nuts to admit it, but it is what happens, in fact. Not my imagination. I just shake my head, throw up my hands and say okay...

ShootingStar1

Tuffgirl

I totally understand and often feel the same way. I am also not religious, so it isn't really about religion. For me, its about having confidence in the way things work.

I'm just grateful I am old enough and wise enough to understand the real roadblock in my life is ME. And to be self aware enough to recognize that life is much easier when I get out of my own way.

fourmaggie

i can only handle a 24 hour period...i dont have no expections...i take the day by day...and saying NO when required...i know my limit!

lizatola

Thank you all for the responses. ShootingStar's response was so eloquent and gave me a lot to think about. I feel better about things today, not so overwhelmed. My son's hands are still peeling away and now he has a crack that's bleeding, but I need to take his lead. He's not worried about it and he knows the reality of his situation, which is to take it one day at a time and to just take care of the skin 'for today'. We are doing our best to make sure he is getting hydrated, starting some exercising at the park to see how he's feeling physically, and we're looking forward to the 2 weeks in FL.

Maybe we'll spend the mornings at the beach, maybe we'll take a few drives, maybe we'll hang with my grandparents for longer than they'd like, LOL. Who knows? I do know that no matter what happens, it will be the way that God wants it to be. There's a chance that all this happened (one illness followed by another for him) to help his heel get better because it would keep him from overusing the foot or further injuring himself. He is currently in the middle of a growth spurt and he was diagnosed with Sever's disease in his heel after he pulled out of a tournament a few weeks ago. He should outgrow the condition in the next few months but it's still bothering him if he doesn't wear the strapping that the podiatrist made for him.

So, I keep reminding him that there's a reason he's been off the courts for 3 weeks now. God' plan is perfect.