She Wanted an Answer, I Gave Her One
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
She Wanted an Answer, I Gave Her One
And now she doesn't like it.
It all started with her being all pissy Sunday night about a range of things. Then she said (right when I got up to go to bed, of course), that she doesn't know where our marriage is going, she feels more like brother/sister (we don't have 'relations'), she doesn't feel wanted, needed, cared for. I know better than to engage in those types of conversations when she's on her second drink, and also when I'm ready to go to bed. So I say little, and go to bed.
She sends me a text later pretty much rehashing what she already said, and says that maybe splitting up is the way to go; since obviously I don't want to care of listen to her feelings.
So yesterday I type up a LONG response, 3 pages long, and email it to her. In it I state that I too want a partner in my life who is there and present 24/7, but with her drinking, she not there for me or our 3 yr-old son. And then I went on to give specific examples of dates and situations of blackouts and events when DS awoke in the middle of the night and she was passed out and never heard a thing. She always wants details when I say something, so I gave her very specific facts. Not feelings so much, just facts.
She's barely speaking to me, and she left an attorney's number on the counter, probably for me to find. I told her we didn't need to get divorced, but if she wasn't willing to work at things, then maybe it's best. I guess she doesn't want to work at things.
I'm kind of sad, and kind of relieved. Sad for my son who will now be brought into this mess; and relieved that I finally got to say what I wanted to say -and it's all in writing.
You may remember that I posted about an attorney telling me I needed to inform her that she needed to get help and enter a program or I would leave. Well, we kinda got there in a round-about way, though I did not give dates or say that treatment was needed. But, based on what I wrote, with dates, it's clear she has an addiction problem.
Now we'll wait and see what happens. Maybe the attorney's number is there to scare me - I'm not scared, because I've already talked to attorneys on my own.
Thanks to you fine folks and the forum - I am stronger, more confident, and better-prepared than if I had never come here.
"More will be revealed."
C-OH Dad
It all started with her being all pissy Sunday night about a range of things. Then she said (right when I got up to go to bed, of course), that she doesn't know where our marriage is going, she feels more like brother/sister (we don't have 'relations'), she doesn't feel wanted, needed, cared for. I know better than to engage in those types of conversations when she's on her second drink, and also when I'm ready to go to bed. So I say little, and go to bed.
She sends me a text later pretty much rehashing what she already said, and says that maybe splitting up is the way to go; since obviously I don't want to care of listen to her feelings.
So yesterday I type up a LONG response, 3 pages long, and email it to her. In it I state that I too want a partner in my life who is there and present 24/7, but with her drinking, she not there for me or our 3 yr-old son. And then I went on to give specific examples of dates and situations of blackouts and events when DS awoke in the middle of the night and she was passed out and never heard a thing. She always wants details when I say something, so I gave her very specific facts. Not feelings so much, just facts.
She's barely speaking to me, and she left an attorney's number on the counter, probably for me to find. I told her we didn't need to get divorced, but if she wasn't willing to work at things, then maybe it's best. I guess she doesn't want to work at things.
I'm kind of sad, and kind of relieved. Sad for my son who will now be brought into this mess; and relieved that I finally got to say what I wanted to say -and it's all in writing.
You may remember that I posted about an attorney telling me I needed to inform her that she needed to get help and enter a program or I would leave. Well, we kinda got there in a round-about way, though I did not give dates or say that treatment was needed. But, based on what I wrote, with dates, it's clear she has an addiction problem.
Now we'll wait and see what happens. Maybe the attorney's number is there to scare me - I'm not scared, because I've already talked to attorneys on my own.
Thanks to you fine folks and the forum - I am stronger, more confident, and better-prepared than if I had never come here.
"More will be revealed."
C-OH Dad
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
She wanted drama . . . and you -- you gave her reality.
You B@STARD!
Great Job.
As far as the kids. Here is what I have figured out . . . .
They ALREADY are in the mess. Might as well get them on the good side of it. About the best we can do.
You B@STARD!
Great Job.
As far as the kids. Here is what I have figured out . . . .
They ALREADY are in the mess. Might as well get them on the good side of it. About the best we can do.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((COD))
What great recovery to not "pick up the rope" Sunday nite when she wanted to "discuss" things ~ it's great when we recognize trying to talk to someone under the influence is not a wise choice.
You showed yourself and her great respect when you did this.
Will continue to keep you, your son and your wife in my thoughts and prayers for your HP's very best - for everyone !!
I pray that you are given the guidance and peace to do what is healthy for you & your son ~ even when it feels a scary
Pink hugs
What great recovery to not "pick up the rope" Sunday nite when she wanted to "discuss" things ~ it's great when we recognize trying to talk to someone under the influence is not a wise choice.
You showed yourself and her great respect when you did this.
Will continue to keep you, your son and your wife in my thoughts and prayers for your HP's very best - for everyone !!
I pray that you are given the guidance and peace to do what is healthy for you & your son ~ even when it feels a scary
Pink hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
What is it with getting close to July 4th???????
Sounds like Independence Day for you is closer!
Now that she has started down this path, keep going yourself - it's what you've wanted and needed for your son for a long time.
ShootingStar1
Sounds like Independence Day for you is closer!
Now that she has started down this path, keep going yourself - it's what you've wanted and needed for your son for a long time.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Way to go COD, it has to be a relief just to have taken this next step no matter where it leads. Great job sticking to the facts & not getting wrapped up in the emotions - I agree with Hammer completely, she was after drama because it feeds the Crazy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Newsflash: I am the cause of her drinking
She told me this morning that I am to blame for her drinking - that if I was a better person and better husband, she would not need to drink.
She said she will be looking to move out soon. Now I do feel sad, for our son. She said nothing about custody, co-parenting, nothing.
Thanks for all the support, thoughts, and prayers.
C-OH Dad
She said she will be looking to move out soon. Now I do feel sad, for our son. She said nothing about custody, co-parenting, nothing.
Thanks for all the support, thoughts, and prayers.
C-OH Dad
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I, too, am sad for your son, COD, but as a child of an alcoholic mother myself, I am more so relieved and grateful that he has one parent who is willing to deal with life on life's terms. Thinking of you both through, sending strength and courage.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad 
She told me this morning that I am to blame for her drinking - that if I was a better person and better husband, she would not need to drink.
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
She said she will be looking to move out soon. Now I do feel sad, for our son. She said nothing about custody, co-parenting, nothing.
I'm HAPPY for your son too ~ he has this Hero Dad that acts a great provider, role model & friend; putting his needs above everything else in the World, including his own personal time to fart.
((((((BIG FAT HUGS))))))
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You never know... she might be fine with your having primary custody. When I left my first husband, I felt the boys should stay with him. Like you, he did most of the "parenting" stuff because of our schedules. I honestly thought they would be better off with him than with me. I love my kids, but I think he is definitely the better parent--at least when they were young.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
You never know... she might be fine with your having primary custody. When I left my first husband, I felt the boys should stay with him. Like you, he did most of the "parenting" stuff because of our schedules. I honestly thought they would be better off with him than with me. I love my kids, but I think he is definitely the better parent--at least when they were young.
I hate confrontation - I'm a lover, not a fighter
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 146
Some people aren't meant to live together. You've got to really think about it.
Write down a list of the positives and negatives of being married and place a numerical importance value on each of them, do the same for single life, do some calculations, and that might give you an idea of how to proceed. When marriage becomes miserable, it ain't worth it anymore. Kids adapt. Stay civil with your Exie though, if she indeed becomes your Exie!
I miss life as a family unit but I'm not entirely sure I miss my Exie.
She wants me to be sober because I'm a good little boy and I do everything she says when I'm not drinking, but when I drank I got feisty and rebellious. She thinks I'm going to be a pushover now. WRONG! :P
Write down a list of the positives and negatives of being married and place a numerical importance value on each of them, do the same for single life, do some calculations, and that might give you an idea of how to proceed. When marriage becomes miserable, it ain't worth it anymore. Kids adapt. Stay civil with your Exie though, if she indeed becomes your Exie!
I miss life as a family unit but I'm not entirely sure I miss my Exie.
She wants me to be sober because I'm a good little boy and I do everything she says when I'm not drinking, but when I drank I got feisty and rebellious. She thinks I'm going to be a pushover now. WRONG! :P
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Something to consider, if you say nothing she might expect that she will leave with your son and you won't fight it.
When I was in your shoes I made it quite clear that I would never be the every-other-weekend "Disney Dad" and I would bankrupt the both of us in legal fees rather than give up my rights as their father.
It helped to level set realistic expectations right from the start. Always a much better negotiating position.
Might get her thinking that rehab and a shot at sobriety might look like a better option at this point?
When I was in your shoes I made it quite clear that I would never be the every-other-weekend "Disney Dad" and I would bankrupt the both of us in legal fees rather than give up my rights as their father.
It helped to level set realistic expectations right from the start. Always a much better negotiating position.
Might get her thinking that rehab and a shot at sobriety might look like a better option at this point?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Even though it's quacking, it's so painful to be blamed for someone else's drinking. It used to hit me in the most vulnerable spot. Thank God you have your recovery and know that it's just a bunch of quacking BS.
I agree that your son is really lucky to have you. Had my mom been an alcoholic, I would have been seriously f*cked. There is no way my dad could have risen to the occasion for us.
I am also happy you have some evidence of AW's addicition to use to get full custody of your son. I am like you, I would have stayed in the marriage to protect the child.
Maybe her threats to leave are just more quacking? How will you move forward if that's the case?
Anyway, be grateful for yourself today. Be grateful you had the sense and strength to work on recovery, and that you are whole enough to be a wonderful dad to your boy.
I agree that your son is really lucky to have you. Had my mom been an alcoholic, I would have been seriously f*cked. There is no way my dad could have risen to the occasion for us.
I am also happy you have some evidence of AW's addicition to use to get full custody of your son. I am like you, I would have stayed in the marriage to protect the child.
Maybe her threats to leave are just more quacking? How will you move forward if that's the case?
Anyway, be grateful for yourself today. Be grateful you had the sense and strength to work on recovery, and that you are whole enough to be a wonderful dad to your boy.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm with Hammer. Word for word.
And it might be time to revisit that lawyer and make sure you have your ducks in a row if she DOES try to leave with your son.
You got this. Sad, hurt, whatever. You gave her what she asked for and you know you we're clear. She can make her choices. You take care of you and that precious little boy.
And it might be time to revisit that lawyer and make sure you have your ducks in a row if she DOES try to leave with your son.
You got this. Sad, hurt, whatever. You gave her what she asked for and you know you we're clear. She can make her choices. You take care of you and that precious little boy.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
She told me this morning that I am to blame for her drinking - that if I was a better person and better husband, she would not need to drink.
yes it was from Quackerly McQuackerson
Hope you realize her drinking has nothing to do with you - if you have any doubts - I think there is an old thread about the excuses we have been given by our A's about why they are drinking/using. . .
As an adult child of an alcoholic and an untreated al-anon ~ the damage that happens growing up in that environment takes lots of recovery and years to mend ~ my parents were really good people that loved me ~ but just didn't know how to control their disease and I was greatly affected by that dysfunction.
You are doing your son a great honor by not allowing dysfunction to control YOU or his home life.
PINK HUGS
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
COD, she's is currently all fogged up right? Manipulate the situation to you and your son's advantage. Convince her to stay if you need to for the short time, or whatever gets you to gather more evidence, more police reports, etc.
That's such BS, she's still drinking. Take her son away from her, maybe she will hit rock bottom then, he doesn't deserve to be living with an alcoholic. We all know you didn't cause her drinking. A friend of mine raised his 2 girls by himself because his exaw gave up, big respect and huge props to you man.
Be stealthy, spin it to your advantage, tell her whatever as long as it gets you in better place. Best of luck and do what you have to.
I know for sure that won't be the case with her. She said that the only thing keeping her sane for so long (if you call being an A, sane) is our son.
Be stealthy, spin it to your advantage, tell her whatever as long as it gets you in better place. Best of luck and do what you have to.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
HI COD,
My thoughts are with you during this difficult time. I know you are frightened for your DS as your fear custody concerns. Be strong and put it in your HP's hands. More and more courts are favoring father's rights too. Your ADW sounds like she is not happy with herself in general and this will continue after she leaves. You did not "cause" her drinking as she states and her happiness wont magically reappear after she leaves. She will now also have to do everything around the house that you are doing for her. Keep your boundaries. You are doing all the right things. Continue with Alanon if you can. I go to the Alanon website at night, they have nightly meetings there online via the chat room everyday at 9pm. They are helpful if you cant get to a FTF meeting due to childc are concerns.
My thoughts are with you during this difficult time. I know you are frightened for your DS as your fear custody concerns. Be strong and put it in your HP's hands. More and more courts are favoring father's rights too. Your ADW sounds like she is not happy with herself in general and this will continue after she leaves. You did not "cause" her drinking as she states and her happiness wont magically reappear after she leaves. She will now also have to do everything around the house that you are doing for her. Keep your boundaries. You are doing all the right things. Continue with Alanon if you can. I go to the Alanon website at night, they have nightly meetings there online via the chat room everyday at 9pm. They are helpful if you cant get to a FTF meeting due to childc are concerns.
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
COD,
Good for you! You know as the spouse of an A, in order to keep the peace, we have to keep our thoughts and truths to ourselves so much that regardless of what happens in your situation, at least you got to speak (write) your mind and how you really feel about your relationship.
Fathers rights are such a big deal nowadays. I was told that it would take something catastrophic to make it that I got sole custody. And I am in a situation with a restraining order and he only has supervised visits two hours a week for the next 4 months. So don't let her bully you and scare you into giving in on anything you deserve because she threatens to get sole custody of you son. Its not going to happen. I know the fear of that, is your weak spot. Mine too.......
Your post just reminds me of Jack Nickelson saying, " You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!!!!!"
4MyBoys
Good for you! You know as the spouse of an A, in order to keep the peace, we have to keep our thoughts and truths to ourselves so much that regardless of what happens in your situation, at least you got to speak (write) your mind and how you really feel about your relationship.
Fathers rights are such a big deal nowadays. I was told that it would take something catastrophic to make it that I got sole custody. And I am in a situation with a restraining order and he only has supervised visits two hours a week for the next 4 months. So don't let her bully you and scare you into giving in on anything you deserve because she threatens to get sole custody of you son. Its not going to happen. I know the fear of that, is your weak spot. Mine too.......
Your post just reminds me of Jack Nickelson saying, " You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!!!!!"
4MyBoys
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